Bullseye Script

(Dan and Liam are outside Knightmare Castle, when Dan hears a bus bell)

Dan: Hang on! I didn't know that Knightmare Castle had a bus stop. (Points to the bus stop sign)

Liam: (Looks) Nether did I! How odd!

(The bus pulls up, and Dan recognises it.)

Dan: Wait a minute! I'd know that bus anywhere!

Liam: Eh...What do you mean?

(The bus' doors open, and a familiar Moooo! could be heard.)

Liam: Oh, brother!

Bully: Evenin' fellas!

Dan: Bully! What are you doing here?

Bully: I'm out for a run in this thing.

Liam: But, why around Knightmare Castle?

(Liam looks inside the bus and sees dart players)

Bully: Well, Jim, Tony and Dave are off on their holidays and I was told I could find some replacement hosts here. (Hands Dan a note)

Liam: Hmm...? Oh my…what does it say, Dan?

Dan: Ahem! It says:

"Dear Bully.

Having heard that Jim, Tony and Dave are on holiday, I thought I'd tell you that there are two talented dungeoneers cum game show hosts at Knightmare Castle. They did very well as game show hosts at last Summers Barbecue party.

Signed Hordriss the Confuser."

(Liam sees the Bullseye related stuff in the bus)

Dan: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Liam: If it involves a rope and a donkey and riding on it or having sparklers in your ears at the same time, ha-ha! You mean Host Bullseye!

Dan: I most certainly do. (Gets on bus)

Bully: All aboard!

(Liam climbs on board and Treguard, Sidress, Lord Fear, Sly, Pickle and Majida follow)

(Doors close)

Dan: Right away, Bully!

Bully: Here we go!

(The "Bullseye" theme starts playing from out of nowhere! Bully presses the eject button, and he, Dan and Liam jump out of the ceiling. They each land on a dart and start riding them like witches on broomsticks. They go around the dartboard.)

Dan: Whoa! Blinking Nora!

(Liam laughs and slams into the Triple 20 bed)

Liam: Oomph!

(Bully and Dan hit the Bullseye, and the dartboard turns into the studio)

Tony Green's voice: It's BULLSEYE! and here are your hosts, Dan and Liam!

(Thunderous applause. The dartboard doors open and Dan and Liam walk out of them.)

Dan: Thank you! Thank you very much!

Liam: Hello and welcome to a special Knightmare edition of Bullseye!

Dan: Yes, this is the Bullseye game show you know and love, but with that Knightmare twist, because we have the Knightmare cast as contestants. But first, let's meet our referee for the evening.

Liam: Exactly. Now, today since Tony ain't here, we've got Knightmare's know it all. Ladies and gentlemen, Hordriss the confuser!

(Applause)

Hordriss: Thank you, Liam, and if your curious, I made that Tony Green impression.

Liam: And a good one too. I say, I say, I say! What is grey and carries a big trunk?

Dan: I don't know. What is grey and carries a big trunk?

Liam: A moth on holiday!

(Audience groan)

Dan: You'll like this one. How do you make antifreeze?

Liam: I dunno, tell me!

Dan: Take her to the North Pole!

(Some of the audience groan, some laugh)

Hordriss: Ho-ho! Very clever...shall we begin the show?

Dan: I think we'd better. Let's meet the contestants tonight.

(Applause)

(Liam goes over to the contestant seats)

Liam: Our first set of contestants are part of the Powers that Be, but were making it different this time. Team One are Treguard and Sidriss!

(Applause)

Liam: Our second team is from the Opposition. He's the leader and the other is the lacky! Please welcome Lord Fear and Sly Hands!

(Audience: Boo!)

Lord F: Very nice!

Liam: And Team Three are the sidekicks. Sadly, we couldn't get Lissard to come on the show, but we have Treguard's partners, Pickle and Majida!

(Audience: HURRAH!)

Liam: Over to you Dan!

Dan: OK, let's start the show. Shall we get ready for the Category Board?

Liam: Of course.

(The board revolves to reveal the Category Board)

Dan: Thank you, and here we go. The first round. Every answer is worth £30. Here are the categories: Faces, World, Sport, Showbiz, Knightmare, History, Books, Words, Britain and Spelling. Sidriss, could you start off, please?

Sidriss: Okay then. (She stands up to the oche.)

Dan: What would you like, Treguard? Pick a category.

Treguard: I'll take Faces, please.

Dan: Faces, Treguard wants.

(Sidriss aims her dart and hits Faces in the 50 mark.)

Liam: It's in Faces and it's worth £50!

Dan: So you get a £50 bonus, Treguard. OK, look at your screens and could you tell me who this is?

(Picture of Ringo Starr)

Treguard: Ringo Starr.

Dan: Is correct, and a further £30 to your score. OK, Lord Fear, you next.

Lord Fear: Uh…History, please.

Dan: Lord F requires History!

(Sly stands up to the oche, fires his dart, but it lands in the Words category.)

Dan: Ah, Words. No bonus, but the category is still there. So for £30, what sort of a person is a herpetologist?

Lord Fear: A person that studies warts?

Dan: Nope! I can offer it across. Anyone?

Bully: Moooo!

Dan: No reply? It's a person who studies amphibians and reptiles. OK Pickle, your turn.

Pickle: Ah... I'll go with Britain, please.

Dan: Britain it is. Majida.

(Majida goes to the oche, throws her dart and it lands in the bullseye!)

Hordriss as Tony: That's the BULLSEYE!

(Applause, Bully appears and puts his thumb up)

Dan: Whoa! What luck. £200 in one fell swoop. For a further £30, In which Devon town was the fictional Fawlty Towers based at?

Pickle: That would be Torquay!

Dan: Another £30 heading your way. And at the end of round 1, Treguard has £80, Lord Fear has…er…zilch and Pickle is in the lead with £230!

(Applause)

Dan: Onto Round Two, now, and the remaining categories in this round are now worth £50. As we can see, we have World, Sport, Showbiz, Knightmare, History, Books and Spelling left. Remember, the ones that are lit are the ones you can hit! Right, Treguard. What will it be?

Treguard: Knightmare, please.

Dan: Obvious choice. Over to you, Liam and Sidress.

Liam: Remember, only the lit categories.

(Sidriss aims dart, and hits Knightmare in the 100 section.)

Liam: It's in Knightmare, and it's 100!

Dan: So that's another £100 to you, Treguard, and the category's in play. What was the name of the dungeoneer, who sidestepped to the left, to his doom, in Series 4 of Knightmare?

(Some chuckles come from the audience)

Treguard: Aha! That would be Simon.

Dan: Of course it is. Well done, that's taken your tally to £230. Lord Fear.

Lord Fear: I'll have Showbiz, please.

Dan: Showbiz, his Lordship wants this time.

Liam: (Sighs) Okay, Sly, don't hit the unlit categories!

Sly: Ooh. I'll try.

(Sly goes for Showbiz, but hits the bullseye instead)

Hordriss: That's the BULLSEYE!

(Applause, Bully appears and puts his thumb up)

Sly: Oh, goody!

Dan: There you go, Lord F. You're off the mark with £200. For a further £50: Which classic 70's game show is to be revived on Five in Early 2010?

Lord Fear: The Golden Shot.

Dan: No. I can offer it across.

Bully: Mooooo!

Dan: No reply. It's Name That Tune. Pickle, your turn. We have World, Sport, History, Books and Spelling left.

Pickle: World, please.

Dan: Pickle wants World.

(Majida goes to the oche, shoots the dart and it goes to World, and the 100 mark)

Liam: 100 in World, Dan!

Dan: So, £100 to you, and here's your World question for £50. Which country won the rights to host the Summer Olympic Games in 2016?

Pickle: Umm.. Madrid?

Dan: No.

(Lord Fear presses his buzzer, and his light goes on)

Dan: I can offer it across to Lord Fear.

Lord fear: It's Rio de Janeiro

Dan: Correctamundo, and you've nicked £50. Well done. So at the end of that round, Treguard has got £230, Lord Fear has £250 and Pickle has £380. Now, the third and final round and each category is worth £100 now. We only have Sport, History, Books and Spelling left. Remember, the ones that are lit...

Audience: Are the ones you can hit!!!

Dan: Exactly. Treguard, let's have your selection, please.

Treguard: I'll take Sport, this time.

Dan: Treguard wants Sport, and it's over to Liam and Sidriss.

Liam: Sport then, Sidriss.

(Sport flashes on the board. Sidriss shoots, but misses the category and it lands in History.)

Dan: So, no bonus, but History is still there. So to make up the £100 you missed, Which current Ferrari driver is set to move to McClaren Mercedes when Fernando Alonso takes over in the 2010 Formula 1 season?

Treguard: Lewis Hamilton?

Dan: Nope. I can offer it across.

Bully: Mooooo!

Dan: Time out. The answer was Kimi Raikkonen. (Puts head in his hands.) Oh, Treguard. Treguard, Treguard, Treguard! Lewis Hamilton is still in McClaren Mercedes. He's never been in Ferrari!

Treguard: Ah.

Dan: Yes, a bit of history in the making. Lord Fear. Three Categories left to choose from, Sport, Books and Spelling.

Lord Fear: Spelling, please.

Dan: OK, Lord Fear wants Spelling, and it's flashing away.

(Sly shoots his dart, and it land in Spelling in the 30 point zone.)

Dan: So £30 to you, and here comes your Spelling question for £100. A vegetarian eats vegetables only. Spell Vegetarian.

Lord Fear: Um…V-E-G-E-T-A-R-I-A-N

Dan: Let's check with Bully.

(Bully walks past with Dictionary. Dan points to the letters.)

Dan: V-E-G-E-T-A-R-I-A-N - £100 to you. Well done.

Dan: Pickle, two categories left. Sport and Books.

Pickle: Sport, please.

Dan: So Pickle wants Sport, and it's over to Liam and Majida.

Liam: It's Sport, you're aiming for, Majida.

(Majida aims for Sport, and hits it in the £100 zone)

Dan: £100 to you Pickle, and here's your Sport question for a further £100. In which sport would you expect to find Stefan Edberg, Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer playing?

Pickle: Oh that is so easy. It's Tennis!

Dan: It is Tennis, well done, another £100, and that brings us to the end of the Category board round. Let's look at those scores. In third, Treguard with £230, in second, Lord Fear with £380 and Pickle's in a commanding lead with £580!

(Board revolves to the Pounds for Points board)

Dan: So, Pounds for Points time. Whichever dart player hits the highest score, the non-dart player could win the equivalent number of pounds. So, over to Liam and the Dart Players.

Liam: Thanks, Dan. Okay, Sidriss, you're first!

(Bullseye music in Background)

Liam: Triple 20…single 20…and double top. That gives you 120, Sidress. Next, Sly. Triple 20…Double 15…and Triple 20, that gives you 150. And finally, Majida. 20…20…and Triple 20, 100, so Sly takes the match, Dan.

Dan: Lord Fear, for £150, who was the first host of the UK version of the Price is Right?

Lord Fear: Uh…pass!

Dan: I can offer it across.

(Treguard presses his buzzer and the light comes on)

Dan: Treguard, for £120?

Treguard: Bobby Bragg

Dan: Nope. The answer is Leslie Crowther. So, back to the Oche with Liam, and it's Sidriss to throw first again.

Liam: Take your time, Sidriss. Triple 20…Triple 20…and single 20, 140. Now, Sly. 1…1…and another 1, 3. Unlucky! And Majida, step up to the oche. 20…20…and Double top. 100. Sidress takes the match, so back to you Dan!

Dan: Thanks, and Treguard, for £140, Which famous Swedish band won the Eurovision song    contest in 1974 with the song "Waterloo"?

Treguard: Abba.

Dan: Is exactly right, and £140 is yours. Back to Liam for the final round in Pounds for Points.

Liam: Right, it's the final round. Sidress to throw first, once again. Here we go. 20…20..and Triple 20, 100. Sly, next. 20…Double Top…and 20, 80. And Majida. 20…Double top…and Triple 20, 120! So, Majida takes the Final round! Back to you, Dan.

Dan: So, Pickle, for £120, If you were served with escargot in France, what would you be eating?

Pickle: Snails

Dan: Is correct, and that brings us to the end of Pounds for Points. Lets look at the final scores. Treguard and Sidress have £370, Lord Fear and Sly have £380 and our winners going through to Bully's Prize Board are Pickle and Majida with an astonishing £700!

(Applause)

Liam: Indeed. Sadly, Treguard and Sidriss, and Lord Fear and Sly, come and join us here.

(Treguard, Sidriss, Lord Fear and Sly join Dan and Liam at the podium)

Liam: Now, you may be able to return so, we'll give you your money and Bully's!

(Liam waves his wand and Treguard, Sidriss, Lord Fear and Sly get their prizes)

Dan: It'll take some time to count this dosh out, so we'll see you in a couple of throws! See you soon.

Liam: Yes, don't go away! (Starts counting tenners to both teams)

(Graphic with Bully writing End of Part One)

(Part Two. Bully erases the chalk and reveals the applauding audience.)

(Applause)

Dan: Welcome back to Bullseye. Here we have today's winners ready to tackle Bully's Prize Board. Well done, Pickle and Majida. Before that, it's Bronze Bully time!

Liam: And this week's celebrity is none other than Deal or no Deal's Noel Edmonds

(Thunderous Applause)

Dan: 301 or more with 9 darts, and whatever the score we change to pound notes for your chosen charity, Pickle and Majida. Over to Liam and Noel at the oche.

Noel: Thank you.

Liam: Take your time and do the best you can!

Dan: Right, total silence in the audience, please.

(Noel's first dart hits Triple 20)

Hordriss: Triple 20!

(Second dart hits Triple 20)

Hordriss : Triple 20 again!

(Third dart hits 20)

Hordriss: And Single 20 - 140!

(Applause)

Dan: OK, Noel's second round.

(Noel shoots and gets the bullseye.)

Hordriss: IT'S THE BULLSEYE!

(Second dart hits Triple 20)

Hordriss: Triple 20!

(Second dart hits Triple 15)

Hordriss: And Triple 15! Brings the Total to 415!

Dan: 3rd and final round, now. Anything more is a bonus!

(Noel shoots and gets the bullseye.)

Hordriss: THAT'S THE BULLSEYE!

(Second dart hits Triple 20)

Hordriss: Triple 20!

(Third dart hits Triple 20)

Hordriss: And Triple 20. Making a grand total of 825!

(Wild Applause)

Dan: Come and join us, Noel!

(Noel joins Dan, Pickle and Majida)

Dan: Impressive stuff, Noel. And, because you got over 301, we are going to double your point score, giving a grand total of £1,650 for charity. Pickle and Majida, what charity are you giving this money to?

Majida: We're giving the money to Cancer Research UK!

(Applause)

Dan: They'll be more than happy with that. And Noel, makes a change from being away from the Banker, doesn't it?

Noel: It does really. I wanted to help out, since I do a fair bit of dart playing.

(Hears a phone ringing)

Dan: Excuse me, Noel. Uh, who's got their mobile switched on?

Liam: Don't look at me, it's not me!

(Liam points out a member of the audience)

Dan: You there, in the red and white checked gingham dress, stand up!

Audience Member: Yes...

Dan: Turn it off, please. We're recording!

Audience Member: Oops! My apologies!

Dan: Thanks. As you were saying, Noel?

Noel: As I was saying, I needed to show off my darts skills, and where else but here!

Dan: And it shows what a keen eye you have when it comes to the dartboard. Maybe you can practise those skills on the Banker if he messes up at all.

Noel: Not really, no.

Dan: I was kidding. Ladies and Gentlemen, Noel Edmonds!

(Applause)

Dan: Right, Pickle and Majida. NOW it's Bully's Prize Board. Listen very carefully, because here's what you could be winning tonight.

Liam: Yes, Bully…do your stuff!

Hordriss: (Bully points to 1) Iiiiiin 1!

Dan: You can make a break with this! It's a snooker table!

Hordriss: (Bully points to 2) Iiiiinn 2

Liam: Want to dip into a cocoa fantasy? Now you can, with this fantastic chocolate fountain and fondue set!

Hordriss: (Bully points to 3) Iiiiiin 3!

Dan: You'll be hitting the right notes with this! It's a state of the art Keyboard!

Hordriss: (Bully Points to 4) Iiiiin 4!

Liam: Be the talk of the town with these fancy wristwatches and jewellery!

Hordriss: (Bully points to 5) Iiiiiin 5!

Dan: It's for yoo-hoo! If you want them...It's a set of mobile telephones.

Hordriss: (Bully points to 6) Iiiiin 6

Liam: Music on the go when ever you want, it's a pair of I-pods and a £50 gift voucher!

Hordriss: (Bully points to 7) Iiiiiin 7!

Dan: You'll have class when you cut the grass! It's a lawnmower!

Hordriss: (Bully Points to 8) Iiiiiin 8

Liam: Want to watch some nostalgia, but in the year 2010? Well, this HD TV will sort it out!

Hordriss: (Bully points to centre) And Bully's Special Prize!

Dan: Look at this. It's a state of the art computer, complete with the latest software and equipment!

(Audience applauds)

Dan: Well, here you see 8 red segments around the bullseye representing the prizes, and the Bullseye's the Special Prize, making 9 prizes altogether. Remember, Stay Out of the Black and In the Red, Nothing in this game...

All: FOR TWO IN A BED!!!

Dan: That's right! Remember you have 9 darts - 6 for the dart player, 3 for the non-dart player, and it's the dart player, Majida, to go first. Over to you, Hordriss and Liam.

Liam: Good luck

Dan: Once again, silence in the audience and phones off!

(Majida fires her first dart and hits Red number 5)

Hordriss: Red Number 5!

Dan: Number 5 is the set of mobile Telephones.

(Shoots and hits the bullseye)

Hordriss: That's the Bullseye!!!

(Bully appears and puts his thumb up)

Dan: That's the special prize, the computer and software!

(Hits Red number 1)

Hordriss: That's Red Number 1!

Dan: And that's the Snooker table! Your turn Pickle, good luck.

(Pickle nods. His first dart hits Red number 6)

Hordriss: That's Red number 6!

Dan: That's the set of I-pods and the £50 voucher!

Dan: The ones that aren't lit are still available.

(Hits number 2)

Hordriss: Red Number 2!

Dan: That's the Chocolate Fountain and Fondue!

(Hits number 3)

Hordriss: And Red Number 3!

Dan: That's the Keyboard. Back to Majida for the final 3 throws. 4, 7 and 8 remain. Hit the lit ones and you lose the prize. The pressure is on!

(Majida throws her darts and they land in Reds 4, 7 and 8)

Hordriss: Red Number 4, Red Number 7 and Red number 8!

Dan: That's the Wristwatches and Jewellery, the Lawnmower and the HD TV. You've swept the board. Let's have a look at what you've won. You have won: The Snooker Table, the Chocolate Fountain and Fondue, the Keyboard, the Wristwatches and Jewellery, the Mobile Telephones, the I-pods and Voucher, the Lawnmower, the HD TV and Bully's Special Prize, the computer and software!

(Applause)

Dan: The £700 you won earlier and the money you raised for charity, that's safe. It's these prizes. You can gamble them for what's hiding behind Bully on the screen. You've got the time it takes the board to revolve to tell me what you want to do. What should they do, audience?

Audience: Keep them! Keep them!

(Board revolves)

Dan: So, what do you want to do?

Pickle: we'll keep the prizes

Dan: In that case, you keep your prizes. Here are your tankards, your Bully's, your cash and your darts, thanks for playing! A big hand for Pickle and Majida!

(The audience applauds wildly)

Dan: Let's bring back our next high scorers with £380, Lord Fear and Sylvester Hands!

(Lord Fear and Sly walk in with their tankards, Bully's, cash and darts)

Dan: So, what do you guys want to do? You can keep your money, Bully's and tankards or you can gamble on the mystery prize behind Bully. What's it gonna be, fellas?

Lord Fear: Hmm…well, I must say that it has been a great day, but we'll give it a miss.

Dan: OK, give it up for Lord Fear and Sly!

(Applause)

Dan: Now it's down to Treguard and Sidress with £370!

(Applause as Treguard and Sidress enter)

Liam: Okay guys, same question. Your money, tankards and darts are safe. You can take them or you can gamble. What would you like to do?

Sidress: We'll gamble!

Dan: THEY'RE GONNA GAMBLE! Right, then. You need 101 or more to win. 3 darts each, Treguard, you're the non-dart player, so you get to go first!

Liam: Take your time, Treguard

(Drumroll)

Treguard: (Treguard fires his three darts)

Hordriss: 10. 5. And Double 20. 55!

Dan: So, It's down to you, Sidress. Remember, 101 or more...

(Sidress' first dart lands smack in the bullseye)

Hordriss: That's the BULLSEYE!

Liam: YES!!!!!

Dan: YOU'VE DONE IT!

(Thunderous applause)

Dan: Let's see what you've won!

(Bully appears and puts his thumb up. The screen lifts up and a float with different monuments from Europe comes in)

Liam: You have won a 2 week trip around the continent of Europe, plus £5000 spending money

Audience: WHOOOO!

Liam: Come on out, everyone!

(Applause continues)

Dan: And as well as that, you have your Bully's, Darts, Tankards and winnings. Well, that's it for this special Knightmare edition of Bullseye. A huge thank you to Noel Edmonds, Hordriss as Tony Green and all the contestants here. We've had a great time presenting, haven't we, Liam!

Liam: Exactly, my best friend. Sadly, time's up for the show. But remember - You Can't Beat A Bit Of Bully!

Dan: You got it! We'll see you in another gameshow soon. From all of us here, Goodnight. Bye-bye!

(Everyone waves off. Bully hits the board three times, removes his darts, closes the doors, turns round and winks. At the end of the credits, the words 'Merry Christmas' appear)

(Everyone teleports back to Knightmare Castle and Bully gets back on his bus.

Dan: Thanks, Bully!

Bully: My pleasure. See you around, fellas.

Liam: See ya, Bully!

(Liam puts a Christmas Pudding on the front of the bus. The bus starts and pulls away. Then, it starts to snow)

Dan: Well, look at that!

Liam: Well, well! Talk about a white Christmas!

Dan: Exactly.

Both: Merry Christmas, everyone!