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The Fermi Pair o' Socks

Daily Deviation
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By DamonWakes   |   Watch
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Published: July 6, 2015

“Captain, I’m getting a reading from the device with the blinky lights.”

    “The one that goes ‘Voort-voort BING’?”

    “Voort-voort BING!” pinged the device.

    “The very same.”

    “Great Scott...” The Captain stared around at the alien landscape. It seemed the least likely planetoid in the universe to be capable of sustaining life, but the device with the blinky lights was never wrong. “What are we dealing with here?” he demanded. “Is it carbon-based? Silicon-based?”

    “Cotton-based,” said Science Officer Bunsen, waving the device over a nearby crocheted conifer. “And further, the flashing device that goes ‘beep beep’ indicates that there is movement just behind that knitted knoll.”

    The Captain whipped his weapon from its holster. “Set phosons to prewash,” he instructed the landing party.

    “What if that doesn’t stop them?” asked a nervous recruit in a red turtleneck.

    “Then we go to setting ‘H.’” Captain Parsec narrowed his eyes. “Silks and printed acetates.”

    Two floppy ears and a big pair of eyes peeped over the edge of the hillock. A pink nose twitched, scenting the air.

    Parsec turned to Bunson, not taking his weapon off the creature. “Can it speak?”

    “I wuv you!” The small knitted animal trotted towards Captain Parsec on unbelievably adorable little legs.

    He shot it in the face, causing its head to shrink and its colours to run. Death was instantaneous.

    Nervous recruit Rex Spendable stared at the phoson in his hands. “Isn’t it weird that our weapons are washing-machine themed, even though it’s already been established that fabric life forms were unheard of until just now?”

    “Quiet, you,” snapped Captain Parsec.

    Bunson waved a juddering Plasticine device over the corpse. “According to the Harryhausenometer, life on this planetoid is sustained by a powerful field of gravitational stop motion.” Bunson gave Parsec a meaningful glance. “Chaos theory dictates that a quantum interflux of this vocabulatory magnitude explains away any scientific improbabilities we might encounter, and that by gasping and saying ‘Great Scott, you’re right,’ you can end this dense paragraph of technobabble and move on with the story.”

    Captain Parsec gasped. “Great Scott, you’re right!”

    A number of similar fabric rabbit creatures had by now assembled, joined hands, and begun to sing. Their cutesy voices made it kind of hard to pick out the words, but the song was definitely something about friendship and the importance of sharing. Ordinarily it would have been heart-warming, but because they had chosen to sing it while dancing in a circle around the body of their fallen companion, it was mostly just kind of unsettling.

    “Is this place safe?” asked Rex.

    Bunson retrieved yet another device from his huge science backpack. He switched it on and twiddled a few dials. “Oh my, yes,” he answered. “I’m reading a whopping six hundred and three on the neutron safetrometer.”

    The crowd of fabric rabbit creatures finished their song, turned around, and immediately began to swarm all over Rex Spendable.

    “Aaah!” screamed Rex, pulled to the ground by the weight of adorableness. “They’re hot and itchy!”

    As the rabbits dragged him away, they began to chant a new song. Again, Parsec couldn’t catch every single word, but it definitely involved entrails and eldritch abominations and was more than just kind of unsettling.

    “Hang on,” said Bunsen. “This isn’t the neutron safetrometer: it’s the electron cthulhugraph. We really need to invest in a label maker.”

    “Meh.” Captain Parsec began to make his way back to the ship. “It’s cheaper just to get another intern.”
© 2015 - 2020 DamonWakes
Flash Fiction Month 2015, Day 6.

I feel as though there's been a slight lack of silliness in my stories for the first week of this Flash Fiction Month, so a large influx of handmade cultbunnies seemed like just the thing for today.

If you've enjoyed this story, you can find the rest of today's submissions here, and all my previous Flash Fiction Month stories collected as OCR is Not the Only Font, Red Herring, and Bionic Punchline.
Comments72
anonymous's avatar
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Shaudawn's avatar
ShaudawnHobbyist Writer
I laughed so hard I think I grew a second nipple.   :D
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
That's...unusual. :slow:
Nichrysalis's avatar
NichrysalisHobbyist Writer
"Rex Spendable"

"Bunson waved a juddering Plasticine device over the corpse. “According to the Harryhausenometer, life on this planetoid is sustained by a powerful field of gravitational stop motion.” Bunson gave Parsec a meaningful glance. “Chaos theory dictates that a quantum interflux of this vocabulatory magnitude explains away any scientific improbabilities we might encounter, and that by gasping and saying ‘Great Scott, you’re right,’ you can end this dense paragraph of technobabble and move on with the story.”

    Captain Parsec gasped. “Great Scott, you’re right!”"

You, good sir, have very much made my day!

DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
Glad you liked it! :D I've always been kind of amused by the whole "Our electrolyte beam must have changed the quantum genome of the planet's ionosphere" speech when it turns up on TV. Obviously they need to explain that thing X has had effect Y, but it always feels peculiarly wordy given that the science stuff in question usually has everyone in imminent danger, and the person it's being said to rarely understands it anyway.
Nichrysalis's avatar
NichrysalisHobbyist Writer
By the way, can Captain Parsec's first name be Justin Twelve?
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
:shrug: Sure, why not? It's no less plausible than anything else in this story.
Nichrysalis's avatar
NichrysalisHobbyist Writer
"Justin Twelve Parsces"

:giggle:
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
:stare: "Yes, I'm aware it's a unit of distance, not time. It's just that I didn't have any say in what my parents named me."
Nichrysalis's avatar
NichrysalisHobbyist Writer
:lol: That is awesome!
professorBunsen's avatar
professorBunsenHobbyist Traditional Artist
I was afraid, for a moment, that the red-shirt was going to escape unharmed! That was a lot of fun!
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
I figure that the only person more likely to get slaughtered by a mob of alien sockbunnies than a redshirt is a redshirt with a grasp of his role in this sort of story. That level of genre awareness is just asking for trouble.

I was pleasantly surprised to spot your username in the comments to this, by the way: it's oddly appropriate. :XD:
stargirl2791's avatar
stargirl2791Hobbyist General Artist
:rofl:  

Go read "Redshirts" by John Scalzi.  It's not as funny as your little flash here, but it is a clever play on the many tropes of the Star Trek series... which, I assume, is at least a mild contributor to your aforementioned masterpiece.
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
I've heard of that--I'll definitely check it out if I ever stumble across a copy. Star Trek was a definite inspiration for this (along with Clangers). :D
QuiEstInLiteris's avatar
QuiEstInLiterisProfessional Writer
*manic cackling*
The-Inkling's avatar
Handmade cultbunnies. :happycry: You just made my day, also congratulations on the DD!
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
Thanks! :XD: The way things seem to be going this year, those bunnies could eventually be recurring characters.
OriiPrincess's avatar
Da heck did I just read?? Totally worth it though!!!
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
:D Glad it lived up to your expectations.
segura2112's avatar
segura2112Student Digital Artist
rofl Love ! Thank You and congrats on the DD.
DamonWakes's avatar
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
No problem--thank you! :-)
Ladygentlemanbastard's avatar
LadygentlemanbastardHobbyist Artist
Oh my. I needed that laugh! (and it was so well crafted)
anonymous's avatar
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