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A Sticky Situation

A

A Sticky Situation

“Hold the door!” shouted Captain Caulk as he ran for the elevator, cape fluttering dramatically behind him. “Hold the door!” The figure inside stepped towards the control panel, and the doors, obligingly, slid open. “Thank you, kind citizen!” said Captain Caulk, panting slightly. Not enough to suggest that he was in any way out of shape, just enough to indicate that he had been striving heroically to do something heroic. “Don’t mention it,” said the diabolical Doctor Baby, coldly. “Oh.” Captain Caulk regarded his nemesis as the doors closed behind him, not entirely sure whether he should stand facing them—as was universally accepted elevator etiquette—or to prepare for glorious battle. “No, really,” said Doctor Baby, the harsh fluorescent elevator lighting glinting from his sinister science goggles. “I thought I was pressing the ‘close’ button.” “Oh,” said Captain Caulk, again. “Mmyes.” Doctor Baby observed his own gloved finger, still hovering just by the button. “This is proving to

Wack E. Dingo and the Road Racer

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Wack E. Dingo and the Road Racer

“Feep feep!” blurted the Road Racer, a creature legally distinct from whatever cartoon bird you may be thinking of (but for the record, yes, it is that one). The Dingo gave no reply. “I said ‘Feep feep!’” repeated the Road Racer. “I heard you the first time,” the Dingo explained. “But I’ve kind of got my own thing going on here.” “Oh yeah?” The Road Racer took a step closer. “What is that?” “It’s a soft shell meal deal from Outback Taco.” “Planning to use that as bait in one of your crazy contraptions then? I’ve gotta say, it’s quite a step up from birdseed.” “It’s not for you,” said the Dingo, through a mouthful of succulent ground beef. “Not everything is about you.” “Oh.” The Road Racer pecked at the ground a bit. “I take it you’re having a break? Perhaps you’ve already set up a Rube Goldberg style trap for me to foil and are now finished for the day?” The Dingo sighed, setting his food back down on its iconic Outback Taco packaging. “It’s not so much a break as a retirement. And I

Arnold The Sentient Pina Colada's Very Busy Day

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Arnold The Sentient Pina Colada's Very Busy Day

EXT. LEAKY BOTTOMS BOAT RENTAL - EVENING ARNOLD THE SENTIENT PIÑA COLADA sits at the front desk of his beachside establishment, LEAKY BOTTOMS BOAT RENTAL. Row upon row of kayaks and catamarans lie untouched upon the sand. It is late in the day. It is evident from the neatness of the ranks of boats that there have been no customers. JOLENE, a perfectly ordinary jellyfish, drifts about in a shallow rock pool nearby. ARNOLD and JOLENE listen to upbeat reggae music emanating from a cheap, wind-up RADIO that also rests upon the front desk. ARNOLD Nice weather. Mild. JOLENE propels herself into the side of the rock pool, pauses, then reverses direction. ARNOLD You said it. Surprised we haven't seen more business today, really. I wonder if it's because... JOLENE drifts lethargically towards the other side of the rock pool. The light is getting low, and - as a perfectly ordinary jellyfish - she is becoming lethargic now that dark is falling. ARNOLD What a remarkably succinct summary of

Jack and the Smalltalk

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Jack and the Smalltalk

“Fee fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he live or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!” “I’m Cornish,” Jack shouted. “What?” “I’m Cornish,” Jack repeated. “If you want to get technical.” “Oh.” The giant stopped, the brace of dead cows dangling from his belt swaying comically. “Still, pretty close, though.” “Yeah, but like… Nobody’s asking you to guess people’s heritage based on scent. It’s not as if I’ve popped up here and said ‘Have a sniff and see if you can work out where I’m from!’ That’s literally the first non-nonsense thing you said to me, and it’s wrong.” “I feel like you’re getting really hung up over this.” “I’m just saying, you only get one chance to make a first impression.” “Yeah, well, I’m going to eat you now.” The giant took a menacing step forwards. “How do you feel about that?” “Mostly just confused?” “It’s really not that complicated!” “Okay, but you said…what? You’ll ‘grind my bones to make your bread’? Is that a real thing?” “I can’t

Big Harry's Big Mistake

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Big Harry's Big Mistake

“It didn’t have to end this way,” said Big Harry, pacing the floor of the abandoned ice factory. “I hope you realise that.” “Aww, come on, boss!” Frank struggled to keep Big Harry in view, but dangling from an industrial crane he only had so much control over what direction he was facing. “It was one time! One time in twenty years! If I’d won that bet, you’d have your money and my debts would have been wiped clean. I thought it was a sure thing! Are you really going to throw away twenty years over one bad day at the track?” Big Harry said nothing. It was highly uncharacteristic, and pants-dampeningly scary. “Look,” Frank continued. “I’ve got a problem: I’m willing to admit that now. I swear I’ll get you your money back. I just… I didn’t know what else to do at the time.” Big Harry remained unsettlingly out of sight, and eerily silent. “Come on, boss! I needed cash fast—I was in deep!” “Not as deep as you’re gonna be.” Big Harry emerged from the shadows, dragging beside him an empty oil

California James and the Tipple of Doom

C

California James and the Tipple of Doom

For three days California James had trekked through the unforgiving jungle. He had faced snakes. He had faced scorpions. Also when he had initially got off the plane on Friday, he had stopped into a pub outside the airport and been horrified to discover that the mens’ room there had one of those guys who extorts money out of you in exchange for using the sink. It was hardly the deadliest encounter of his long and varied career as an archaeologist, but it was up there with the most annoying. The main thing to take away from all of this would be that even before he clambered to the top of the ziggurat and approached its vast wooden doors, it had been one hell of a weekend. He set his hands against the planks. They yielded inwards only ever so slightly, clanking as though bolted from the other side. They definitely wouldn’t open, anyhow. A small panel slid open and a pair of wrinkled eyes peered out. “Those who seek the grail’s power,” announced the guardian of the temple, “must recite a

Loafing Around

L

Loafing Around

The minotaur roared menacingly, the noise resounding from the labyrinth walls. It shifted its weight from foot to foot, a seasoned fighter nimble despite great size. It hefted its axe in great clawed hands. It roared again. It also bobbed about on the spot some more. It looked pleadingly at the knight in front of it, stuffing his face with bread. “Come on, mate,” said the mage. “We haven’t got all day.” “I’m sorry!” snapped the knight, through a mouthful of crumbs. “I’m down to forty-seven health points, okay? If I don’t finish this, that monster’s going to kill me on the next hit.” “I’m not saying don’t eat it! I’m just saying, maybe chew at a less leisurely pace.” “It’s a whole loaf of bread! And it’s crusty! And in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve just been gored by a minotaur! It doesn’t exactly put you in the mood for a hearty snack.” “My action bar’s filled back up,” announced the bard. “All our action bars have filled back up!” The mage put his face in his hands. “We’ve been

Revenge, at First Though Sweet

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Revenge, at First Though Sweet

Portress of Hell Gate, Sin contemplated her key. Upon this frail object, the weight of all creation rested. Seven days had it taken her father’s father to build a paradise. One turn, and she could plunge it into ruin. Of those who had fallen, she alone stood blameless, charged to keep that door forever closed. She opened it. Perdition was her birthright. She’d have it be her vengeance too. *** Ten thousand angels marched upon the throne: brother against brother, host against host. An hour before there had been peace in heaven. Now the clouds were stained with blood. Righteous in anger, Michael struck the helmet from his foe—sending it plummeting to chaos and night—and found himself looking upon the face of his most beloved friend. There could be no mercy, yet he let the devil go. *** From the deepest shadow of the farthest sphere, Lucifer—brightest of all angels—stalked towards his prize. It was right that he should claim this thing, he told himself. It was just. Even to the

The Deeper Issue

T

The Deeper Issue

“In ocean wet, in briny deep, when evil’s near I shall not sleep!” “Aaah!” yelled the first mate of the Reel McCoy. “Take my wallet, just don’t stab me!” “What?” asked the fish-tailed lady who’d just flopped aboard. She lowered her trident. “I don’t have much cash on me because we’re in the middle of the sea and there’s nowhere to spend it, but there’s a loyalty card for Molly’s Chippie in there and it only needs two more stamps!” “What?” asked the mermaid again. He got out his wallet and slid out the card. “The ink got kind of wet when I was in the dinghy, but Molly’s nice. She’ll honour it anyway. That’s a free sausage and chips! I mean, you’ll still have to have to buy two more meal deals to qualify but the change in my pocket should get you most of the way there!” “Okay.” The mermaid used her trident to lever herself upright against the guard rail. “First of all, I’m not here to mug you.” “Oh.” The first mate looked at the wallet in his trembling hand, then slipped the loyalty card
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A Sticky Situation

A

A Sticky Situation

“Hold the door!” shouted Captain Caulk as he ran for the elevator, cape fluttering dramatically behind him. “Hold the door!” The figure inside stepped towards the control panel, and the doors, obligingly, slid open. “Thank you, kind citizen!” said Captain Caulk, panting slightly. Not enough to suggest that he was in any way out of shape, just enough to indicate that he had been striving heroically to do something heroic. “Don’t mention it,” said the diabolical Doctor Baby, coldly. “Oh.” Captain Caulk regarded his nemesis as the doors closed behind him, not entirely sure whether he should stand facing them—as was universally accepted elevator etiquette—or to prepare for glorious battle. “No, really,” said Doctor Baby, the harsh fluorescent elevator lighting glinting from his sinister science goggles. “I thought I was pressing the ‘close’ button.” “Oh,” said Captain Caulk, again. “Mmyes.” Doctor Baby observed his own gloved finger, still hovering just by the button. “This is proving to

Wack E. Dingo and the Road Racer

W

Wack E. Dingo and the Road Racer

“Feep feep!” blurted the Road Racer, a creature legally distinct from whatever cartoon bird you may be thinking of (but for the record, yes, it is that one). The Dingo gave no reply. “I said ‘Feep feep!’” repeated the Road Racer. “I heard you the first time,” the Dingo explained. “But I’ve kind of got my own thing going on here.” “Oh yeah?” The Road Racer took a step closer. “What is that?” “It’s a soft shell meal deal from Outback Taco.” “Planning to use that as bait in one of your crazy contraptions then? I’ve gotta say, it’s quite a step up from birdseed.” “It’s not for you,” said the Dingo, through a mouthful of succulent ground beef. “Not everything is about you.” “Oh.” The Road Racer pecked at the ground a bit. “I take it you’re having a break? Perhaps you’ve already set up a Rube Goldberg style trap for me to foil and are now finished for the day?” The Dingo sighed, setting his food back down on its iconic Outback Taco packaging. “It’s not so much a break as a retirement. And I

Arnold The Sentient Pina Colada's Very Busy Day

A

Arnold The Sentient Pina Colada's Very Busy Day

EXT. LEAKY BOTTOMS BOAT RENTAL - EVENING ARNOLD THE SENTIENT PIÑA COLADA sits at the front desk of his beachside establishment, LEAKY BOTTOMS BOAT RENTAL. Row upon row of kayaks and catamarans lie untouched upon the sand. It is late in the day. It is evident from the neatness of the ranks of boats that there have been no customers. JOLENE, a perfectly ordinary jellyfish, drifts about in a shallow rock pool nearby. ARNOLD and JOLENE listen to upbeat reggae music emanating from a cheap, wind-up RADIO that also rests upon the front desk. ARNOLD Nice weather. Mild. JOLENE propels herself into the side of the rock pool, pauses, then reverses direction. ARNOLD You said it. Surprised we haven't seen more business today, really. I wonder if it's because... JOLENE drifts lethargically towards the other side of the rock pool. The light is getting low, and - as a perfectly ordinary jellyfish - she is becoming lethargic now that dark is falling. ARNOLD What a remarkably succinct summary of

Jack and the Smalltalk

J

Jack and the Smalltalk

“Fee fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he live or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!” “I’m Cornish,” Jack shouted. “What?” “I’m Cornish,” Jack repeated. “If you want to get technical.” “Oh.” The giant stopped, the brace of dead cows dangling from his belt swaying comically. “Still, pretty close, though.” “Yeah, but like… Nobody’s asking you to guess people’s heritage based on scent. It’s not as if I’ve popped up here and said ‘Have a sniff and see if you can work out where I’m from!’ That’s literally the first non-nonsense thing you said to me, and it’s wrong.” “I feel like you’re getting really hung up over this.” “I’m just saying, you only get one chance to make a first impression.” “Yeah, well, I’m going to eat you now.” The giant took a menacing step forwards. “How do you feel about that?” “Mostly just confused?” “It’s really not that complicated!” “Okay, but you said…what? You’ll ‘grind my bones to make your bread’? Is that a real thing?” “I can’t

Big Harry's Big Mistake

B

Big Harry's Big Mistake

“It didn’t have to end this way,” said Big Harry, pacing the floor of the abandoned ice factory. “I hope you realise that.” “Aww, come on, boss!” Frank struggled to keep Big Harry in view, but dangling from an industrial crane he only had so much control over what direction he was facing. “It was one time! One time in twenty years! If I’d won that bet, you’d have your money and my debts would have been wiped clean. I thought it was a sure thing! Are you really going to throw away twenty years over one bad day at the track?” Big Harry said nothing. It was highly uncharacteristic, and pants-dampeningly scary. “Look,” Frank continued. “I’ve got a problem: I’m willing to admit that now. I swear I’ll get you your money back. I just… I didn’t know what else to do at the time.” Big Harry remained unsettlingly out of sight, and eerily silent. “Come on, boss! I needed cash fast—I was in deep!” “Not as deep as you’re gonna be.” Big Harry emerged from the shadows, dragging beside him an empty oil

California James and the Tipple of Doom

C

California James and the Tipple of Doom

For three days California James had trekked through the unforgiving jungle. He had faced snakes. He had faced scorpions. Also when he had initially got off the plane on Friday, he had stopped into a pub outside the airport and been horrified to discover that the mens’ room there had one of those guys who extorts money out of you in exchange for using the sink. It was hardly the deadliest encounter of his long and varied career as an archaeologist, but it was up there with the most annoying. The main thing to take away from all of this would be that even before he clambered to the top of the ziggurat and approached its vast wooden doors, it had been one hell of a weekend. He set his hands against the planks. They yielded inwards only ever so slightly, clanking as though bolted from the other side. They definitely wouldn’t open, anyhow. A small panel slid open and a pair of wrinkled eyes peered out. “Those who seek the grail’s power,” announced the guardian of the temple, “must recite a

Loafing Around

L

Loafing Around

The minotaur roared menacingly, the noise resounding from the labyrinth walls. It shifted its weight from foot to foot, a seasoned fighter nimble despite great size. It hefted its axe in great clawed hands. It roared again. It also bobbed about on the spot some more. It looked pleadingly at the knight in front of it, stuffing his face with bread. “Come on, mate,” said the mage. “We haven’t got all day.” “I’m sorry!” snapped the knight, through a mouthful of crumbs. “I’m down to forty-seven health points, okay? If I don’t finish this, that monster’s going to kill me on the next hit.” “I’m not saying don’t eat it! I’m just saying, maybe chew at a less leisurely pace.” “It’s a whole loaf of bread! And it’s crusty! And in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve just been gored by a minotaur! It doesn’t exactly put you in the mood for a hearty snack.” “My action bar’s filled back up,” announced the bard. “All our action bars have filled back up!” The mage put his face in his hands. “We’ve been

Revenge, at First Though Sweet

R

Revenge, at First Though Sweet

Portress of Hell Gate, Sin contemplated her key. Upon this frail object, the weight of all creation rested. Seven days had it taken her father’s father to build a paradise. One turn, and she could plunge it into ruin. Of those who had fallen, she alone stood blameless, charged to keep that door forever closed. She opened it. Perdition was her birthright. She’d have it be her vengeance too. *** Ten thousand angels marched upon the throne: brother against brother, host against host. An hour before there had been peace in heaven. Now the clouds were stained with blood. Righteous in anger, Michael struck the helmet from his foe—sending it plummeting to chaos and night—and found himself looking upon the face of his most beloved friend. There could be no mercy, yet he let the devil go. *** From the deepest shadow of the farthest sphere, Lucifer—brightest of all angels—stalked towards his prize. It was right that he should claim this thing, he told himself. It was just. Even to the

The Deeper Issue

T

The Deeper Issue

“In ocean wet, in briny deep, when evil’s near I shall not sleep!” “Aaah!” yelled the first mate of the Reel McCoy. “Take my wallet, just don’t stab me!” “What?” asked the fish-tailed lady who’d just flopped aboard. She lowered her trident. “I don’t have much cash on me because we’re in the middle of the sea and there’s nowhere to spend it, but there’s a loyalty card for Molly’s Chippie in there and it only needs two more stamps!” “What?” asked the mermaid again. He got out his wallet and slid out the card. “The ink got kind of wet when I was in the dinghy, but Molly’s nice. She’ll honour it anyway. That’s a free sausage and chips! I mean, you’ll still have to have to buy two more meal deals to qualify but the change in my pocket should get you most of the way there!” “Okay.” The mermaid used her trident to lever herself upright against the guard rail. “First of all, I’m not here to mug you.” “Oh.” The first mate looked at the wallet in his trembling hand, then slipped the loyalty card

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A Moth to a Flame

A

A Moth to a Flame

The wind screamed through the branches outside. Lucille had the curtains drawn, but the noise painted a vivid picture for her: the creaking cedar looming precariously over the house, its wet leaves ripping free and plastering themselves to her car … the garage door flapping loose as the gale scatters her belongings through the woods … it didn't bear thinking about. She watched her six-year-old son, Sam, sitting cross-legged on the rug watching an old animated film on the television, and tried to focus on normality. The wind stopped suddenly. Supernaturally. They were wrapped in a quiet that defied explanation. A quiet that invited the imagination to flood with threats and horrors. The mouse on the television drowned in thickening bars of static. The lamps dimmed and flickered in unison. Slowly, her son rose, and padded to the window. “He's here,” he whispered. Lucille's heart pounded as he parted the curtains a crack, revealing an unnatural crimson light. It

Blending In

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Blending In

Lying on her stomach with both arms stretching down into what she assumed was some sort of sewer, Vanessa reflected on that first and most important edict of time tourism: to blend in. She’d spent the past week doing her best to follow it, despite total ignorance of local custom and fashion. Now, though, she figured: what the hell. Her battery-powered torch might be an anachronism, but it was preferable to rooting through the probably-sewer with her hands. “Oh,” said the woman crouching beside her, “that light – is that you? Are you making that?” “Um,” said Vanessa, already regretting her choice. The poor woman must have it hard enough already without Vanessa further disturbing her hold on reality. “It’s just a, um, light device.” “I’ll make you my court wizard,” the woman beamed. “As a reward for helping me. See, there it is.” The missing coin gleamed at the bottom of the street-hole. Vanessa fished it out of the dirt and gave it a polish: nothing special about it as far as she
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Account History

A

Account History

(A series of photographs:) A plate of spaghetti, artfully lit. A selfie, obviously posed: a young man with a pensive expression, looking off to the right while sporting a comical false moustache. A wedding: the brides taking one another by the hand; a slice of white-frosted cake, trimmed with lustrous, presumably edible false pearls; another selfie, both brides laughing into the camera, the young man with his arm around one of their shoulders. A small puppy in a garden, playing happily with a fat red-haired woman in a floral-print dress. The same puppy head-on, floppy ears perked up, tail a blur. (These are still online. The first of them are captioned and filtered; beginning with the wedding, they were uploaded automatically.) Then, jarring after all the care taken with lighting and camera settings before: an odd angle on an unremarkable bathroom sink. The focus seems to be on the mirror, but it reflects nothing but the opposite wall. No effort has been made to keep the
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This isn't burger king...

This isn't burger king...

I will be forever thankful for tattooing becoming more mainstream because it means I get to make my living doing something I love because more and more people are getting tattoos. What isn't so amazing is when people treat tattoo shops like it going to be "your way, right away." Had a fun experience a little while back where someone was a bit too demanding and self-entitled and, while trying to get the situation sorted out, I asked them calmly to drop the attitude so we can get things taken care of. If you have any life experience, you probably know that when someone is trying to get their way by being pushy and you call it out, it never goe

The Curse of the Unicorn

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Ten Little Astronauts: Section One

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Ten Little Astronauts: Section One

 Eleven   Even before the alarm began to sound, Blore knew in his gut that something was wrong. It was only when he pushed open the hatch of the suspension tank, and a few drops of thick cryonic fluid drifted out into the pitch-black hallway, that he realised what it was: there was no gravity. That was why his stomach churned. The world, the tiny pool of light spilling from his tank, seemed to swirl.   “Owen, lights.”   The computer gave no response.   “Owen, turn on the lights.”   Nothing.   “Owen...” But there was something else now, beyond the cold tank and the dark hallway. Something that no crewm
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Artist // Professional // Literature
My Bio
Damon L. Wakes writes just about anything that springs to mind, producing both novels and short stories. As well as promoting his own books, he makes an effort to share the work of those who are under-read, under-appreciated, or just plain awesome.

Author of OCR is Not the Only Font, Red Herring, Bionic Punchline and Face of Glass.

He can also be found at:
Twitter
Wattpad
Smashwords
Goodreads
Facebook
Google+

Favourite Visual Artist
H.R. Geiger
Favourite Movies
Alien, Waltz with Bashir, The Hangover.
Favourite TV Shows
The Walking Dead, Family Guy, Mongrels.
Favourite Books
Rumo and his Miraculous Adventures, The Salmon of Doubt.
Favourite Writers
Walter Moers, Douglas Adams, Harlan Ellison.
Favourite Games
Odin Sphere, Bioshock, Steambot Chronicles.
Favourite Gaming Platform
Onlive
Tools of the Trade
Keyboard, mouse, scalpel, blowtorch, carborundum cutting wheel.
Other Interests
Archery, biology, camping, carnivorous plants.

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xlntwtch Writer
:iconhappybirthdaysignplz: ... :iconcakeplz: ... :party:
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
Thank you! :-)
WindySilverHobbyist Writer
Happy birthday!  Banana Chocolate Cake with candles 50x50 icon Banana 
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
Thanks! :-)
WindySilverHobbyist Writer
You're welcome! :la:
WindySilverHobbyist Writer
Happy birthday! birthday cake :bananala: 
DamonWakesProfessional Writer
Thank you! Banana Laaaaaa