There was a pastor who was assigned his very first parish in a small town. In this town were two brothers Rufus and Chester Brown. Both very rich and mean as snakes. With their great wealth, they practically ran the church and were always making demands. This was the reason the old pastor left.
One day, Chester drops of a heart attack. Some time later, Rufus goes to visit the pastor.
"Rev, I understand the church has some much needed repairs."
"Yes sir, we need to raise about $200,000 and I don't know if we can raise that much."
"Well, I want to give you a check for the full amount.?"
"Really?! Why Mr. Brown, that is a great gesture on your part!"
"Well, now hold on Rev, there is a caveat. Tomorrow, you are overseeing my brother's funeral. In your sermon, I want you to tell everyone that my brother was an absolute saint. If you can't do that, you wont get a single dime. I'll let you ruminate on that. I suggest you take up the offer, you're not going to get that much any other way."
Well, the pastor spent all night praying for guidance from God and eventually had his answer.
The next day, the pastor stood at the pulpit and delivered the sermon.
"Chester Brown was a horrible man! He never did anything for anybody that didn't benefit himself. He was a greedy, selfish, hateful excuse for a human being!"
It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Rufus' face was beat red the veins bulged out of the side of his head and his neck.
"But compared to his brother, he was an absolute saint!"
An old lady's dog dies. However, she loves the dog so much, she had to make sure it was dead so she took it to the vet.
The vet assured her the dog was dead but she kept insisting he run tests to find out.
"Well, there is only one test I can think of."
"Please, I need to know."
So the vet leaves the room and comes back carrying a mangy cat clawing and hissing up a storm. He runs the cat over the dog several times and nothing happens.
"Yes mam, the dog is certainly dead."
The lady accepts it and moves on. About a week later she gets a vet bill for $560. She calls the vet to find out why it's so much.
"Why is my bill so high, how could it possible cost that much?!"
"Well, the $60 was for the visit and the $500 was for the cat scan."
A pastor is walking down the street when a member of his parish gets his attention.
"Hey Rev, what happened to that brand new bike you got, I thought you'd be riding it on such a lovely day."
"Well, can you believe it, somebody stole it from me."
"Well, I've got an idea. Next Sunday do a sermon on the ten commandments and when you get to thou shall not steal, bear down on it REAL hard. The culprit will feel so guilty, he'll return the bike."
"Well, I guess it couldn't hurt."
The next week, the pastor is riding his bike once again.
"Hey rev! I guess my suggestion worked."
"Well, sort of."
"What do you mean sort of?"
"Well, when I got to the part about, though shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
"Hey Cletus, how was your trip to the public swimming pool?"
"Was fine until Delbet got us kicked out."
"What'd he do?"
"How do I put it delicately... he was weeing in the pool."
"It's gross, but a lot of people do that."
"Not from the high dive!"
A man goes into a talent agency with an idea for an act.
"I can hit myself in the head with a hammer without any damage. And I can do it for $50 each time!"
"Well, I'd have to see a demonstration, but it sounds like quite a feat!"
So the guy pulls out a hammer and whacks himself hard on the head. Knocks himself out cold. Five minutes later he jumps up and yells, "Ta da! And I can do that everytime, $500 each time!"
"Wait, several minutes ago, you said $50!"
"Yeah, but that was before I tried it."
Let me tell you about Carlos the Mime. He was down on his luck after his mime career went down the tubes. One of his childhood friends called him up to offer him up a job.
His friend owned a small zoo and needed some help. The zoo was not a world class one. It was beat up, dirty, and the animals were not the healthiest. However, it had an ape that was the star attraction, the people loved it and were willing to put up with the low quality of the zoo, just to see the it perform.
Sadly, the ape passed away and they couldn't get a replacement. Carlos' friend wanted him to put on an ape suit and entertain the crowds.
Carlos was reluctant but needed the money so he took the job.
After the first couple of days, it was clear the patrons were not impressed with this replacement and started to pay more attention to this mangy lion in the next cage. Carlos got the idea to hang from a tree branch hanging over the lion's cage and taunt it.
Well, the crowd ate it up and soon the crowds got bigger and bigger.
However, one day while doing his act, the branch broke. Carlos was stuck in the cage with the lion. The lion chases him around as he cries out for help.
"Help! Help me! Help me!"
The lion jumps on his back and pins him to the ground as he continues to yell for help. The lion lowers his head to Carlos' ear.
"Shut up you idiot, you want to get us both fired?!"
Two friends were visiting the dog races when one of them grabs the other by the shoulder.
"Hey Bud! You know that money I gave for you to hold for me and not give it to me unless it's an emergency? Well this is an emergency.
"Look at this race form! In the 7th race, the 7th dog; his name is Lucky 7! As you know, 7 is my lucky number. I was born July 7, 1977 at 7pm. The 7th child in my family. This is a sign, I must bet all my money on this!"
His buddy reluctantly gave his friend the emergency money.
The dog came in 7th.