I've been so busy with work, I have not had time or energy to post anything. I don't draw or write anymore (no time) and my photography of my merchandise collections are currently on the backburner (no energy). However, with two new watchers I feel like I have to do something. So here are some jokes to maybe brighten up your day!
A woman goes to her doctor for some medical attention:
Doctor: Ok Ms. Arnold, what seems to be the problem?
Ms. Arnold: Doctor, my chest is hurting.
Doctor: Well, lets have a look. Please take your shirt off.
She takes off her shirt and the doctor sees something surprising:
Doctor: Wow Ms. Arnold, you seem to have an imprint of a giant 'M' on your chest.
Ms. Arnold: Well, this is kind of embarrassing. You see, my boyfriend came to visit me last night and we got a bit... intimate. He was wearing his old college letterman jacket and in the heat of the moment forgot to take it off.
Doctor: I see. So your boyfriend went to Michigan?
Ms. Arnold: No, Wisconsin.
A man becomes very sick and goes to his doctor after all the tests have been completed:
Man: So doc, what's the verdict.
Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm afraid you only have about a year left to live.
Man: Oh no! Doc, is there anything that can be done? Is there any treatment that might change things?
Doctor: Well, let me tell you what I want you to do. I want you to buy an old beat up Dodge pickup. Then I want you to find the ugliest, meanest, loudest, largest woman you can find. It's best if she has spoiled brat children. Then I want you and your new family move into a beat up old house in one of the worst neighborhoods around. That's going to be your best bet.
Man: And that's going to make me live?!
Man: Then why in the hell would I do that then?!!!!
Doctor: Because, it will make that year seem like forever.
A man's dumb cousin Festus from the backwoods comes to stay with him and his wife in the suburbs. His cousin came to town to work as he wanted to be part of the civilized world. However, they realized with only a beat up pair of coveralls and not much else, he needed good work clothes and other sundries to make him presentable. So his wife takes him to Wal-Mart to get what he needs. While there he becomes enthralled by something.
Wife: What are you looking at Festus?
Festus: These shiny things! What are they?
Wife: It's called a thermos. It keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold.
Festus: You're kidding me! That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard of, can I get one?!
Wife: Sure, grab the one you want and lets go.
The next morning, Festus is sitting in a chair waiting to start the day. Wearing new work clothes and clutching a brand new thermos in his hands. The man comes down stairs to greet him.
Man: Well hello Festus, those sure are some fine new duds you're wearing. What's that you have in your hand.
Festus: This here is called a thermos! It keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold!
Man: Well that sure is a nice one! What you got in there?
Festus: Two cups of coffee and a glass of iced tea!
There was this fiery and passionate preacher that would always look up to the sky and say things like, "I see... The King Of Kings!" or "I see... the Lord of Lords." Well one day his congregation decided to play a practical joke on him. They had a skylight put in above the pulpit without his knowing. They then put a store window mannequin and put it through the skylight. The next Sunday, the preacher is doing his sermon and looks up to the sky, "I see... Wait a minute, I do see something!"
A husband and wife are playing a game of golf. When the husband's golf ball goes flying off course towards the houses on the outskirts and they hear a crash. He wants to pretend it never happened. After all, houses next to golf courses have this kind of things happen all the time. However, his wife feels that it's only proper to go apologize. They go to the house and find the door wide open. They climb the stairs and find the golf ball on the floor among broken glass. A man is standing there in a robe and a turban.
Man: Is this your doing? I'm a magic genie and I've been trapped in a vase for centuries. As a reward, I will grant you a wish.
Husband: Shouldn't that be three wishes?
Genie: Ah, you've read too many books. But I'll tell you what, I'll give you two wishes but the third will be for me.
Husband And Wife: Agreed!
Genie: Ok, then time for your two wishes.
Wife: Well, the best thing to wish for in any situation like this is for us to be incredibly wealthy.
Genie: In this time, how much would that be?
Wife: Lets say, 50 million dollars?
Husband: Now it's my turn! I wish to be a scratch golfer!
Wife: Hey now, how about a wish that will be beneficial.
Husband: Come on honey, you know how much I love golf. Besides, we already wished for enough money to last us a lifetime!
Genie: Too late anyways, the wish is granted. Now, it's time for you to hold up your end of the bargain. You see, for centuries I have been by myself with only my hand for companionship. I wish to sleep with your wife. And by that I don't mean actually sleeping.
Wife: I don't think we can agree to that.
Husband: Come on honey, think of all that money! Plus as a scratch golfer I could even go pro and make us even more millions!
Wife: Well, if you say so.
After doing the deed, the wife is lying in bed with the genie:
Genie: Wow, that was great.
Genie: You're husband is a very nice guy.
Wife: Yeah, I guess so.
Genie: Tell me, how old his he?
Wife: Forty-two next month.
Genie: Huh! Ain't he a little too old to believe in this genie crap?