D-E-M-Emrys

Don't worry! I thought I'd post one to try and bolster your favour on critiques - not all are 'shredding'.

See - critique's can be nice! (At least I hope it was!!!)

Whenever I come across the first chapter or a prologue, I keep in mind that the very first sentence is also the very first thing that a reader encounters of the story. THANK YOU for not having the generic 'It was sunny, the flowers smelt nice, the birds sang happily, the freaking bunny rabbits farted and it was good'. Honestly, I can't explain how important it is to me as a reader that you've taken a different approach to the weather. It sounds so very, very small - and it is - but it's a huge change to a story in my eyes.

Upon introduction to Warwick, I struggled to picture where she was listening to the bard - but again this is a trivial point. The bard's tale is a nice way to touch upon history - which I hope rears its importance later in the book <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Big Grin)"/>

I like the concept behind the Plug - applause well deserved! Nice idea, and I have firm belief that your execution of them will be fantastic.

Beware some of your longer sentences. For example 'Glancing warily at the sky, Warwick waited until she was sure another story was not coming, and then rushed from the village centre, dashing heedlessly across the dirt track roads, and into the inn where her mother and father were sitting, listening to the musicians and watching the dancers. It's not the length itself that bothers me, it's the fact that a huge amount of activity is entailed in one go. I’d suggest breaking it down to her departure and heading off through the dirt track road. Then the following sentence seeing her enter the tavern.

I'd also consider 'sub chaptering' the break between the Inn and the arrival at the manor. It would fit nicely with the scene change.

Also, watch the words like ‘drive’ and ‘pavement’. It detracts from the setting. If you can, try throw in a few descriptions of the setting. With cities in fantasy you can have: Gondor from Lord of the Rings (ALL white stone), Game of Thrones Winterfell (stone and thatched roof), Troy from DG’s Troy books (described as the golden city).

Of the 3 characters, at this point my favourite is Marc <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Big Grin)"/> Saying that however, your characterisations are spot on, I’m endeared to each.

When encountering Trapper, he is suddenly struck by the (at the time) unknown figure. To add to the surprise of the sudden strike, have it mentioned in a short sentence on its own. Takes the reader out of the comfort zone. As an example, when you get to the fight scenes in CoR, I like to keep the sentences short and snappy – the pace is then fast and attention jerking. When your scene setting and transitioning, the longer sentences are fine.

The world you have created is swift to welcome the reader which I love in a fantasy novel.

This is such a promising start I can’t even find the words to express my enthusiasm in it. I found myself reading it like a book – a few times forgetting to breathe because I became so absorbed.