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           I thought I was the only one he called darling. Being so lonely without ever being aware of how bad it was until someone starts talking to you like that.  Butterflies in hyper-mode.  Sweet rush of expectation, in the conversations when they started, I was trying to be nice, could not understand why he felt the way he did about himself, because he could take a decent self-portrait every once in awhile...but some pretty shitty ones too. It was my fault to fall for it. Should have looked harder at the shit that was being customized so that I would be sure to see it.  Tricky boy. He had been playing this game for awhile and I had no idea, being the gullible, lonely empath that I was. Cupid really does carry a gun, and my heart was in no way, shape, or form, bulletproof.

      Darkness. Art. Writing. I find writing an artform and called him an artist, he even drew a little for me once, but he never wanted to hear any encouragement. Just brushed me off, talked nonsense, talked about how he felt like he was dying. I wanted to help him get through it. I thought he would want to write his emotions, and that would help him with his depression, and I felt it would be good for him.  I didn't know anything about how his life really is.  I wish it had been honest, talking and wanting to be interested in making stories, really great, poetic, dark stories...and actually collaborating with each other.  Never really could get anything out of him, he never really cared about it and I played the fool, and worked so hard to show him he should try to write more, I offered to help with grammar and punctuation, anything to try to help show him he could get better.  

   He was like a damaged,  so-called tarnished Pony Boy.  I was stupid in love with an image of a melancholy cowboy, an old soul full of pain, who needs cigarettes and whiskey to drown out whatever it is that is hurting him.  I wanted so bad to be the one to stop that hurting. Oh, but I know, no one can reach him.  But I put in a hell of an effort when I had no right to even go there, but I felt such a connection with this perfect illusion, I was not thinking, even when the warning signs are going off in my own head, and everyone is yelling at me to stop.  I was completely aware of my wrong, yet I kept needing to have our conversations and his attention like they were a drug.  What a terrible, obsessive addiction to have.  Seeing pictures of him makes me want to relapse, and recent talk of spirits can bring the feelings back, the daydreams, the delusion of thinking that if I could just be there for him, hold him and show him life, that everything would be ok.  

       Then I have to remind myself that I was absolutely nothing special, and at the exact same time, he was weaving a story for someone else.  Love is thrown around so casually that I wonder why he ever made me believe that it was so elusive for him. It makes me wonder why he even started talking to me in the first place. If that was the game all along and I was just a toy for his boredom.  Finding all this out was very hard for me to come to terms with, and almost a year later, I know I am still not over it.  But I am trying so hard in recovering and repairing everything around me.  Yet the pain and the feeling of empathy, and still wanting to care are always dangerously close to invading my mind again, and it has to stop. I have to make it stop, and that means not seeing the pictures, the posts, or the messages. I cannot see him anymore, in any form what so ever.        

      That also means the stories, the writing, and hardest of all, the art that I made for do I abandon the memory of work that I put my heart and soul into? Well, I can't, and I know it.  I am proud of the work I did for him, but I guess I forfeited any right to it when I gave him the originals...out of love? I suppose I have got to accept the fact that they could end up destroyed and completely erased from existence...and then again, maybe they are forgot about and lost already? Buried under all sorts of clutter, never seeing the light of day because seeing that art would be a reminder of the lies. Maybe, maybe not.  Just forget about all the art and writing and move on to the next chat head, love.  

      But I will continue to make art, and will always have that creativity to call upon somewhere in my heart and mind, even if it seems like I have nothing.  I have to believe that I tried to help him and to make him see that anyone can be creative in their own way, it is what we first started talking about, and what made me feel for him.  I have learned that many people have tried to help him, I sure am not the first, and now I will become a ghost in the graveyard of his lost friendships. So it must be.

     It has hurt me bad, but there is always comfort and a sense of freedom in seeing things for what they really are.  To just completely let go, for good.  
Sort of a long goodbye, open letter for whoever feels like reading, a last excerpt in the novel of this crazy year
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ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2018
Hello! Critmas has brought me here, representing the Gingerbread Ninja clan with this critique. A small caveat: critiques are ultimately opinions, nothing more. This critique is my opinion only. Now, on to your work!

First, the good: There are a lot of complicated, at times self-contradictory emotions in the narrator's (your) voice, and they all come across. I think one of the best things that literature can do is give the reader the ability to get inside of a foreign headspace for a bit, and that piece succeeds at doing that. The third paragraph was probably the best at that.

Second, the not-so-good: Unfortunately, that message is garbled and diluted by the relentless stream-of-consciousness structure of the piece. Lots of abstract language made it harder to have the interest to keep going through the piece, although I must admit I'm glad I did. You varied the length of the sentence structure, which helped, but we needed more sentences/fragments where "I" was not the subject/implied subject. It is hard to sustain a reader's interest for a long time with this kind of structure, so I recommend trimming as many extraneous elements as possible from the piece--the bits about your being an "empath", for example, or the "cowboy"s artistry, probably could be cut without dulling the emotions. (Small quibble: paragraph 4 has a typo in "bordem".)

Lastly, some questions: Is the Cupid reference necessary? Are you okay with the excellent Pony Boy reference being missed by a lot of readers? Why can't the cowboy become a sad ghost in the narrator's graveyard of writing plots? Because I think he can be.

One after-last thought: "Love is thrown around so casually", you say--and it's true, for some. But not all. Good luck in your continued healing.

That's all from me today. Merry Critmas!
D-Angeline Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the excellent critique! Very informative for me, and I will keep all of this in mind if/when I move forward with a longer fiction type story with this subject if I can make it work.  I often make references to things I love about books, songs, etc. and I am okay with readers maybe not getting them sometimes, but I will keep that in mind, and maybe not be so dramatic too often, especially with Cupid.  Thanks again! (and I will fix that typo!!)
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2018
No problem!
WishingUnderThatStar Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Saw your request from the Lit critique forum.

Firstly, you're skilled writer. Your words are very beautiful so my comments below only relate to how your writing is presented.

Emotive non-fiction can run the risk of becoming a form of stream of consciousness. I don't feel this piece is to that extent but there are paragraphs that, as a reader, weakens the piece.
You've captured the emotion, you're a skilled writer but I think it needs a clear, underline message. I get a sense this piece is about betrayal, anger, loss, love and hope.

I could be wrong but I don't think there's much of a readership for non-fiction on dA. In order to strengthen this piece and allow you to gain more readers, I think it needs a narrative that readers can connect with e.g. the current narrative specifically applies to you but not to me. You can simplify the story/theme of the piece.
Alternatively, it would be interesting if this had a change in layout or structured differently, like a letter to him or add a bit of fiction e.g. your 'character' reads this as a eulogy at his funeral. Or each paragraph focuses on the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Hope my comments have helped.
I've only posted two non-fiction pieces and they were definitely stream of consciousness (terribly so :lol: ) but you've given me the inspiration to try it again.
D-Angeline Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the critique, the points you made are very insightful because I am still on the fence about whether to do something more with it or not.  But the things you suggest, especially with the stages of grief, really has got me thinking.  I just need to start writing and trying it out, even if there is not a huge following for the type, to see where it goes.  Thank you again, this has been very helpful, I really appreciate it!
WishingUnderThatStar Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, play around with it and figure out what works best.
If it is changed and you need a reader then let me know. I'd be happy to give it read. All the best and happy New Year
D-Angeline Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks, I really appreciate it! Happy New Year! 
safia3 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017
Hey I added a critique on the lit forum for ya.
D-Angeline Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Hug Thank you! 
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October 25, 2017


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