I dont really know how to even start this journal. My thoughts are a bit chaotic, but I'll try to keep it somehow organized to explain my absence from dA and why I struggle to come back.
Also a fair warning; this is one of those sappy rant journals. Brace yourselves, a wall of text is coming XD
no but really tho..
Its been a build-up of pressure regarding art that I never felt before. I am a creative soul, I drew every spare moment of my life, but as of lately, as soon as I sit down plugging my tablet in and taking the pen out of the case, my palms start sweating. I feel physicaly ill when i start to sketch, feeling judged and having completely lost all confidence (or carefree attitude) I used to have in my art.
Its the feeling of not being good enough, not have the required talent to submit anything on dA and that Im always compared to better artists. I used to not give a flying f*ck about my skills, still entering shows competing both with and against friends with not a care in the world and I was never bothered before about losing or winning, it really meant nothing to me. All I did was create and interact for the sake of a good story.
But I've been noticing as of lately, and even discussed with close friends, what expectations an artist must meet today to be of any interest. I already expect more of myself than I can handle. Im laying down with a broken back (figuratively speaking!) after an incident a month-month and a half back which from my POV confirmed my lack of artistic abilities. This added pressure keeps me from posting or even drawing.
I feel like Im drowning in expectations.
The art must be high quality, with perfect anatomy, perfect backgrounds, depth and difficult angles, preferably big-scaled animations or motion books to be of any interest. Its expectations I cant and will never meet. Ironicaly, these expectations I also put on myself, because I want to feel like I can pull my weight in collabs and not be constantly the weakest link. I want to feel like my art partners can rely on me on good results, not only in competitions, but also as in completing the art piece in a respectful manner. I wish I had enough skills to be confidently shading, lining, doing backgrounds or sketching. Not being this good-for-nothing flatcoloring only. There is nothing I want more than my friends feeling like they can rely on me artisticaly, and not feel like they need to pull most of the weight in a collab to make the drawing look decent. (Or god forbid if I draw their characters wrongly). And even if my friends dont see it this way, I still feel like I dont have what it takes to be a good collab partner, dragging their art down.
I feel bad for not regifting art to friends who art for me, for christmas, birthdays, art to cheer me up, random gifts without any particular reason and including my characters in their stories. I feel responsible as hell to show them -through art- how grateful I am. But its been piling up because they are so many who truly deserves so much more. I wish I could express my gratitude, because i love them all to bits. However, when I start working on gifts, I tell myself to put my heart and soul into it; I want it to be breathtaking and more than perfect, I want to art them something so good they lose their words. Because thats how they make me feel when they gift art to me. I just dont have the skills to do so, and it pains me more than words. It makes me procrastinate, which only increases the pile of ''returning the favour'' infinetly.
There are so many things I miss and new projects I want to do!
I've been standing on the sideline, watching as life moves on. New exciting events, plots, collabs... There is nothing I want more than to partake in all of this fun again. I joined HCL, hoping it will be the springboard I need to get back into art. I've been playing with the idea to make a comic out of my Drakehest characters, I've been wanting to make my own little RPG for anyone to join, without any extended rules or financial fees. I wish to finish my main stable's plots or start anew and fresh, sticking only to a couple of breeds and go back to the roots, downsizing the herd to keep it realistic to what Nattvik was intended to be.
Apart from HCL and art payments, the projects and plots are just wishful thinking. Not a day passes without the feeling of overwhelming sadness; that I desperately want to create, but my body and mind stops me from it. I feel like Im missing out on so much, hearing all the plans everyone has for their characters, for their art and plots. I want to be one of the community again, I want so badly to be the artist that I myself
want to be. But with a year without much improvement and the general feeling of not reaching the expected standards, I dont know what to do other than remembering ''the good old days''; the days when picking up a pencil didnt make me want to hurl.