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Unhealed wounds bleed endlessly,
they flows unblocked, relentlessly,
like a river of pain from me.

Down my face with utter grief,
falling forever with no relief,
like tears of mourning... disbelief.

I'm cover in blood head to toe,
but by looks, you'd never know,
as I do my best to hide it so.

Attempts I made to show and share,
were cast aside without a care,
as if they were never there,

No confidant to reveal my wounds concealed

Bleeding, I slowly limp.
Alone, I slowly heal.
Reding over this it feels finished, yet in need of work. I think I need quatrians and some freeverse to break them up. I can't seem to do anything else with it at the moment, but I'll think of something when it hits me.

Written about current events in my life. Part of the reason for my sad mood people have been asking about. Further answer bestowed to those willing to ask.
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:icondaeira:
daeira Featured By Owner May 12, 2004
they flows unblocked, relentlessly,
-it should be flow.

Why the ellipsis in the last line of the second stanza? It doesn't seem to add any effect. A semicolon, colon or just a simple comma could be equally effective.

I'm cover in blood head to toe,
-it should be covered.

Attempts I made to show and share,
-this one is oddly written. Maybe rephrasing it would be better. In this stanza the whole rhyme felt forced. also, why did you choose to rhyme? What purpose did it serve your poem?

The poem overall is slightly vague. It is hard to grasp concrete emotions and images; you might want to look into that.
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:iconcuttheredwire:
cuttheredwire Featured By Owner May 12, 2004
Thx for the constrictiveness. :aww: Good, honest constructive critism is hard to find.

No arguments with the spelling mistakes. I'm notorius for that.

As for the ellipsis, I was warned about those in the first reply. I kept them becuase they have meaning to me. I know how they should sound, feel, etc. The colon says nothing to me, and the comma is too short. Three dots have a fade effect to me too. I think I might have some complex inflections that I don't know how to punctuate, so I just do my best.

As for the other line, that flows to me and others I've shown it to. The flow has actually been complimented. Yes, it uses plenty of poetic licence, but it just makes perfect sense to me.

As for rhyme, to most ppl it flows, esp when read aloud. I preffer rhyming poetry anyway. Rhyme and meter just sounds better to me. It's more fluid. Free-verse is too chaotic, and I save it for more conceptial poems.

As for feelings, maybe a little more could be added. Another few sections might do it. I've always thought about a song version, as recomended in a comment above. I'm hessitant to, though, because several poets I admir like the flow and felt my emotions more vividly than I expected. Not everyone got it, but those that did really got it. If you want, I can note you a quick story on that.

Thx again for the comment. I'm open to discussing it more. We may not agree, but that can make it more fun. ^.^
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:iconimperfecttears6:
imperfecttears6 Featured By Owner May 11, 2004   Writer
The rhyme scheme is too simple, but you went through with it well - none of your rhymes seem forced.

Lol I really like it :P I strangley have a poem with the same title but the actual writting is very different, its at [link] - its one of my older poems
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:iconcuttheredwire:
cuttheredwire Featured By Owner May 12, 2004
Too simple? Maybe. I'll have to think about it. I'm ope to constructive critisism. =^.~=

The rhymes are a mix of very careful crafting and moments of inspiration in my poems. Meter often comes first. I test my poems out loud to test if it comes together ok... don't know if anyone else does that. ^.^;

I read it and commented. They seemed to have a lot in common with this and another poem of mine (though I didn't state that clearly). I had to take a look when you siad it had the same title. >;}
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:iconchosenone-:
chosenone- Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2004
Mmm, you perfectly transferred a chaotic emotion into a structured, beautiful poem! Amazing imagery and extremely fine language makes this an absolute great in my book! You've got the style and skill - keep at it!
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:iconcuttheredwire:
cuttheredwire Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2004
When I wrote that note, it actually was going to be a reply to this one. Then I re-read my "told on asking" so I made it a bit more private. Any can ask, but I still think it wiser to keep it with understanding friends.

Thx again for the comment. 8)
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:iconcrackedmirror:
crackedmirror Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2003   Writer
im not a big fan of rhyme anymore, but i like this. Heart
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:iconnotwist:
notwist Featured By Owner May 14, 2003
lovely
reminds me of my own poems (not available on DA yet though)
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:iconmadcoffee:
madcoffee Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2003  Professional Digital Artist
life is too short...
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:iconcrazy-engineer:
crazy-engineer Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2002   Photographer
Great Poem.Keep writting,Red!
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:iconraven777:
raven777 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2002
You asked me once what you ever did that
was any good...How bout this for a start...
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:iconraven777:
raven777 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2002
This is Really Really Painful...
In reading the poem I can hear
your anguish...Without your
haveing to go through the story
and relive it over and over...

Like you give a Fuck about,
Rhyme or style I would guess,
you just want the pain to stop...

Read Demonic Souls I wrote...
It may or may not be considered a
good Poem...I don't care...I
didnt care I only wanted the
Pain to stop...

You write for you, It is very
good by the way...But I'd rather
have never seen the poem
written than for you to have to
go through, this much agony...

So I guess Its just not time,
To Cut the red Wire is it?

You did a very nice job,
Thank you for sharing this...

Take care of you,
RaVen...
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:iconredlily:
redlily Featured By Owner May 29, 2002
this works well, keep writing ^.~
-----
redLily Poetess // RlEiDly Jester // rLeIdLY Horns
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:iconkodama:
kodama Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2002  Hobbyist Writer
I love how you made the rhyme scheme without making it seemed forced. Great imagery as well =) (Smile)
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:iconspittlebug:
spittlebug Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2002
I don't really know what to say. I was thinking about you, and ended up here. I am really touched by this. I like:) (Smile) Keep your chin up...
-----
*Straight ahead of you, nobody can go very far!*
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:iconbabysista:
babysista Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2002
it sounds good to me. although... grammatical mistakes. =) (Smile) just a couple. other than that, it's perfect. and remember.. i'm always here.
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:iconumbilikal:
umbilikal Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2002   Writer
i like this somewhat.....maybe its just me, but it seems most people yse the same words to describe any pain they are having....
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The Devil umbilikal https://umbilikal.deviantart.com

site currently in the works : http://vacant.150m.com
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:iconrjupiter:
rjupiter Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2002   Photographer
I really like it cause I can relate to it. When I read it I get the great imagiry in my head and to me that is a mark of a good poem.
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=Floridians For Devart =
=Keeper Of jackdirts 1001 Useless Threads=
=32,000 kids will die from hunger 2day, will you help? - http://www.christianchildrensfund.org/ =
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:iconscires:
scires Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2002
wow man... whats wrong? You transmitted your feeling well... Good job.
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:iconmahdi:
mahdi Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2002
it does flow smoothly.

good.
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http://israfel.org passion filled lies keep me alive.
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:iconwickedjax:
wickedjax Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2002
i love the rhyming scheme....it flows very smothly...like a song... :P (Razz)
deep...nice work :) (Smile)
-----
wickedjax :O (Eek)

bugs, i hate bugs, they drive me crazy, crazy, i was crazy once, they locked me in a round room with rubber walls, i died there, died, i died once they burried me with bugs, bugs, i hate bugs
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:icongottmacher:
gottmacher Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2002
wow... very deep, very meaningful. Usually I don't like the

A
A
A

B
B
B

C
C
C

Set up, but this work out rather well. My only suggestions would be to turn the ellipses (...) into a semi-colon, thus removing any debate this might be "bad goth poetry" as I hear people tell many people who's work I like.

And a few interruptions in that AAA style would be good, too... maybe a chorus?
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-[Transmission terminated]-
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