Okay this journal is a little-.. rant-like? idk
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Curulin's avatar
By Curulin   |   Watch
1 64 1K (1 Today)
Published: November 22, 2014





No it's not actually rant but I don't know a word for it..
Please don't read this journal, if you don't want to.
It's just for me to write my feelings down (it's about irl problems..)
However, I'd really love to receive comments or advices on this ; U ;
Thank you very much in advance!

So well, as you might know, I'm currently trying to get good grades in school so I could sign up for a scholar ship for a year abroad. Yesterday, after I went to bed (but didn't sleep yet) I had a.. kind of.. okay I started crying (woah this is rlly awkward). I don't even really know why I started crying?? I just thought about school.
The thing is that I'm really trying to try hard. I do try hard most of the time, but it doesn't show any results. My exams (I have written almost only As last year) are now a mix of Cs, Bs and As. About participating in classes, I used to get a lot of Bs because the things I'd have a good quality but I would have to participate more. Well, now I have a lot of Cs instead of Bs for participating.
I don't know, my main problem is the participating-stuff I think? It's really not that I don't want to participate, but rather that I'm afraid of that? I have no idea.. I think I'm afraid of saying wrong things? IDK WHY ;;
Another reason for me "participating less" is that I got a lot of new teachers. The subjects get more difficult, too, of course. I don't know. Seriously ;;
So yesterday I was lying in my bed and I just felt a huge pressure from my family, since they are expecting me to get a lot of As. It's like- if I don't get a super good school certificate this year, I will not be allowed to do the year abroad + I won't be allowed to draw/ be online that much since I'd have to study more..(?)
But.. I really want to be better in school?.. I just can't..? ;;
Instead of that I get even worse in school.
Seriously.. I have no idea what to do wahh-- I just want to disappear for the next 4 years and appear again when I'm done with school. It's just really a huge pressure and I have no idea how to handle it. 

Another thing I wanted to write down here is a little more personal after all. It's about my friends irl.
Last year I have always been with my best friend in the breaks. I'm still with her all the time, but.. actually I'm only "another friend" to her right now I think? There are two other girls who ( I think ) want to be her best friend. Both of them are super persistent (is that the right word..?).. 
At the moment (almost all of) the girls from our class are all together in the breaks. This includes me, my bf and the two other girls. We always sit on a heater or something (since it's super cold). 
About a month ago one of the two girls (I'll name her P for now) suddenly started doing a lot of stuff with my bf (I'll name her A) again, since they used to be best friends in elementary school + first 2 years of our current school. P found another best friend around 2 years ago. But why would she suddenly want to hang out a lot with my bf again? (I started hanging out a lot with my bf since about 1 year) P is really persistent. She was talking to A really much and she sat next to her all the time and often told her to "come to her" when we sat in a bigger circle and they didn't sit next to each other or sth (yes P is annoying). Luckily she got less persistent about 2 weeks ago.
But now there's the other girl of the two girls (I'll name her J). J is WAY more persistent and WAY more annoying than P. She started hanging out with my bf a lot since about a year, too. But J and P in combination really makes me want to just hit them both (no I don't do that//). Thanks to them I barely really talk to my bf in the breaks anymore. WELL luckily I sit next to my bf in almost every class. But- I really don't know. I have the feeling that my bf actually does want to hang out with the two of them more than with me. It makes me really insecure when I sit next to my bf in the breaks. And I am not persistent at all. If I talk to my bf & J or P starts interrupting me, I wouldn't try to keep talking. I just am not this kind of person. But I really don't want to lose my bf just because two other girls are more persistent than me or sth.
I can't even tell J and P straightly because they are (kind of) friends to me, too. But-- amg I just don't know what to do.
I think this is actually one reason why I want to go to school even less than before -> no motivation -> no motivation to participate in class (?) if that makes sense haha/

Wahh if you got through until here: CONGRATS!!//u//
Thank you very much for reading!
I myself feel kind of better now, since I got a clearer sight through all the mess of my rl :iconmingplz:
I'd highly appreciate if you left a comment down there ↓
So yeah- Thank you!! ; U ;♥
damnnn i want to cry again aejkfahfjla


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Art Trade (OPEN)
Very sorry I wasn't able to respond quickly to the last batch, ATs are open for a short while but I will be moving soon so it might be subject to some delay, for the same reason I might also not be able to do too many trades qq ATs are accepted based on  -How I like your art style (not necessarily skill related)  -How I feel able to draw your character  -Character designs and how they might inspire me  -Will do anything for good friends This following section is important! Please read this section even if you don't read the others! * Please understand that I do not accept every offer. I accept trades based on "how I need you style f
art challenge event [open]
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anonymous's avatar
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RizuRiji's avatar
Omg, so I'm just a random stranger so--
But I know exactly how you feel, especially that second half there.

So for the first half, I don't know, I haven't had a problem in participation since it's a grade for me too, and sometimes I just go for it. One of my favorite teachers once told me that it was okay to be wrong, and that the teacher won't go crazy on you or something, they'll just simply correct you and ask if you get it (that's what happens to me at least?) but yeah, I hate participation, it's a pain >.>

For the second half, I've been in a similar situation. So I had these two friends that I really love to hang out with and stuff, we had like this bond that felt really nice, but then there was another friend of mine that came along and started to really hang out with the two of them, and I just felt like they didn't like me as much anymore and it got me really really depressed (pathetic? yeah, thought so too). It got kind of bad at one point, and they started to see how sad I was so they all tried to make up for it by spending more time with me and that felt great so I would suggest just talking to your friend about how you feel and s/he'll hopefully understand? I know it's scary, but it really does help, so yeah, random advice from an awkward stranger ;v;
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
Ahh nooo I'm really grateful for every single advice so thank you really much!!<3

Ohh ohh I see!! ; Q ; I totally get your point! Wahh I'll try to participate more! ww but yes, it IS a pain ww

Ohhhh I see ! ; Q ; ahhh that's amazing though, I'm really glad for you that it had a good end for you! 
Tysm for your advices!!<3
RizuRiji's avatar
I mean, I wouldn't usually participate, but if it's a grade then I have no choice because I'm scared of my parents QwQ

Well, I still feel left out at times, but it's gotten better, I hope the best for you <3
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
ahhh I know what you mea thoguh</3

eee eee well GOOD LUCK! ;u;// and ty <333
KudamonoYasai's avatar
KudamonoYasaiStudent Digital Artist
S-senpai, sorry if this is so late ;A;


I also have that same feeling at times, like when you just want to be better at school but the results get you depressed, sometimes it makes me think why cant I just get it right but others can. It just gets me frustrated. In our school, we frequently get a new set of teachers, like twice every semester? And everyday in every subject is a different teacher. It was kind of hard for me to adjust when I was new. I guess studying in advance really helps? Well it did, for me.
And I actually run out of motivation to study real quick so I constantly search Google for inspiration lol it might seem silly but it worked for me lol. I got straight A's this semester and it makes you want to continue doing good at school ;v;

For friends, yes I also had a similar experience and it was D': really sad for me. So I resorted to anime haha since it never fails to cheer me up whenever I'm sad and I was just like "I have no time to be down, I still have plenty of anime to watch" pffft. Before, I couldn't bear being alone, but now, I have anime lol //slap
Now that I have learned my lesson, I avoid attachments. Like if you're too attached to a friend or something, it gets more painful when they leave. I won't expect they'll be by my side forever because idk it's just how it works? Don't worry, you won't be alone for the rest of your life when you lose a friend, you have plenty of other nice friends out here! > v <) /
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
Ahh nooo senpaii ;; pls don't afjkhajel I'M LIKE SUPER LATE SO SORRY, TOO! ; Q ;<3

eeeee ;;; wahhhh I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN!! TYSM !! I'll try that! ww<333

wwwww xDDD Ahhh ww I get your point!! ww 
alright wahh ;; tysm for all your advices senpai!! ; Q ;<333
KudamonoYasai's avatar
KudamonoYasaiStudent Digital Artist
ah it's okay curu senpai! > u < I understand you have lots of stuff going on (o u o)

You're welcome! even though I think I'm really bad at giving advices//// orz
Hope they somehow helped ^^
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
<//////3 it was probably me being lazy for replying only though.... not only but... you know... ww I'm super gomen

nAHHhhh YOUR ADVICES WERE REALLY HELPFUL! SRSLY TYSM!<33333333
KudamonoYasai's avatar
KudamonoYasaiStudent Digital Artist
aaa you're welcome senpai! <3 <3
StrawberryAiki's avatar
//here goes me being late because I don't know how to put anything in words

Getting too much pressure from others really doesn't feel good, but I think getting pressure from yourself has way more impact (of course, this depends on the pressure you're experiencing). It's also pretty much normal with your family expecting/pressuring you to get good grades (as they say, they want the best for you and the family), but don't let it get to you, sensei! If they ever compare you, why not just find something you're better at than that person they're comparing you with? Or just remember that there's something you can do. There's no such thing as a person who can't do anything (everyone can do something, whether it's pro or not).  Be grateful for it. It will lift some things off, and it will help you stay optimistic, somehow. ^u^

The hard work thingy kind of brought me in the same situation as you for two years //three years this new year//. I'm still depressed about that, so I may not be able to give a decent advice. But what I can say is... don't give up. If your hard work doesn't show today no matter how hard you try, then try again tomorrow. You'll surely cry every now and then, and may even experience pain, but it's part of it. And don't say you can't be better. Think of how from a baby, who doesn't know how to write nor draw, has potential to be a pro, or a kid who cries when he/she gets hit by a ball in the face, but becomes a sporty person who can catch or dodge it from hitting his face again.

On the part about participating, I can also relate to that a lot more than anyone can imagine. ;w; But I think being shy or anxious around new teachers isn't something new, so you should get to know them better. If you do, maybe it'll help. It's really hard to raise your hand (feels like it's anchored down by yourself) when you're not sure about the answer, and it'll just be plain embarrassing to get the wrong answer with so many people in class, but go for it! I mean, what if it's right? Occasionally, even the smartest student in class may answer wrong, but after that, they shake everything away and just re-think to find the root of how it went wrong. They think of wrong answers as a pathway to the correct one (comparison not intended). Persistence, Curu-sensei. If you know how to stalk, then being persistent is the same in a few ways. Except you're not chasing a person. You're chasing courage and stuff to stand up and participate.  : >

Sensei, I think that instead of letting any stressing pressure get to you, try encouraging yourself.

Now about the situation with your bf... 

Don't be too insecure, sensei. Let her be because no harm will be done by getting new friends. My point is... If your bf really is your bf, then no matter what happens she'll always be your bf. If you really feel sad or bother about it, then maybe you should have a talk to her about it. It's possible that you two may just be having misunderstandings.
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
Ahhh wahh noo ww I'M THE LATE ONE !! SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY!!

ahh ;; I see what you mean!! Tysm for all your advices wahh ;;// I WON'T GIVE UP WW//

ohh ohh I see!! ahh ;; TYSM SRSLY!! ; Q ;<333

ohhh www actually i think I'm too coward to talk to her about that ww I'll just... idk ww i think it'll solve itself with time! BUT TYSM SRSLY!!<333
StrawberryAiki's avatar
Ahh, pfft--- You're always really busy, so I understand. It's totally fine! ^u^

What will happen is up to you, so just go for your choices, sensei! We're all a little scared sometimes, after all. But at least you're not giving up. : >

S-sensei, too much kind words---! I'm just doing what you did for me too. :iconsupertighthugplz:
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
eeeeee ;u;//

I'LL GIVE MY BEST! /

eee ;;;// but still-- aejkfhlae//
StrawberryAiki's avatar
That's great to hear, sensei! That's the spirit!! :iconmanlytearsplz:
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
WWWWWWW YESSss xDD!!
Herazuli's avatar
HerazuliHobbyist General Artist
I know what you feel when you're pressured to be reaaally good. Although parents should be supportive, they only pressure us more by comparing us. The only thing you can do is try talking to someone about it. Presumably someone who doesn't know you. It's a lot easier talking about your problems to a stranger than someone who knows you best.

About your bf, I think you should try to pressure P & J (put your stress on them in a good way). I mean, my bf was never stolen from me because I was deemed "small but terrible" by my classmates and I made a good use of it (don't worry I don't threaten people).
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
wahhh this is so true though</3 stop comparing us</3
and also wahh the second part's so true, too akjefhalea tysm !! ;u;<3

www I see wwwwwwwwww I think both of them could more like be described with "small but terrible" instead of me wwww//kicked
Herazuli's avatar
HerazuliHobbyist General Artist
:iconletmehugyouplz:


Pffttt--
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
xD//
Puriimochi's avatar
PuriimochiHobbyist Digital Artist
I had a similar situation once (for first one)
this is what I did I'm not sure if it's the best thing to do tho ^^"

for the first one it's better if you quit drawing until you've got your grades up (assuming you have a few months til exams or something)

school is a lot more important than your hobby 
If you didn't get the grades you want and couldn't go overseas, you can't start over
if you didn't draw for a few months, your watchers and da friends are still here when you return so don't worry XD
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
Ohh?? wahh ;; I wish I could do that ahah/mingming
I actually considered taking a long break but-- I don't think I'd be able to keep up my motivation for studying more than 3 days www
How did you keep studying without getting distracted from things like dA?? *Q*//

& ty for commenting!! ; Q ;//<33
Puriimochi's avatar
PuriimochiHobbyist Digital Artist
I still come to DA ( can't stop this obsession TTuTT)
But I just don't draw as much
If I really want to draw I just do simple Chibi sketches (lol obsession again)

Its ok to come to DA just don't post anything not even comments!
That way you don't spend so much time and could look at artwork to rest your mind

Good luck with your studies 
Your previous results were all As so you definitely can achieve that again ~~
Curulin's avatar
CurulinHobbyist Digital Artist
Ohh i see!!

wahh alright ;; Tysm for your advice!! //o//
I'll try ot do that!<33

eee and tysm again ;;;; wahh ;; I'll work hard ajkefhaefaef//diessss
good luck to you too!!<3
Fukur0u's avatar
Fukur0uHobbyist General Artist
I don't really don't know how to give advice, but here's just a few of my thoughts I guess?

Perhaps if you're feeling overwhelmed you can focus on one thing at a time? If you're really busy with schoolwork, set priorities and get them done one after the other instead of doing it all at the same time. I don't really know much about your situation, but I have to say that don't get too discouraged about your marks! The more you do the more your grades may drop, think of it as an obstacle to get over. Also if your parents are pressuring you to get better marks you can always talk to them and explain your situation. They don't know what's going on at school anyways so they may think you're not trying or something. Think of your year abroad as the prize, you have to work hard and persevere to get it or else you won't. It'll definitely be hard, but if you try your best, you'll have a better chance of getting it! ^w^ (Why do I feel like I'm sounding kinda mean?)

About your friends, I honestly don't know how you can solve it. I'm not good with making friends, though I guess I find I was sort of in a similar situation last year when I went to a completely new school and had no friends. I got to know some people but I didn't feel 'accepted' into their group. But my solution to that problem isn't probably the one you would like to do. I cut off all ties with them and started again. It sort of - not really worked for me since I'm usually alone now, but I felt it was better than hanging around uselessly when they didn't even want me there.

Truthfully, what I would do in your situation is look for some new friends. Friends will come and go all the time and if it feels like they don't want you then it'll probably make you more miserable. I don't know. If you're afraid of being alone you can always stay and then break away when you find some new friends or something like that. Fighting over someone really won't change anything. However much it would be nice that you could still hang out with your bf, the other two girls probably won't let you.

This probably won't be of use much, but this is my useless attempt at giving advice, ahaha...
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