No it's not actually rant but I don't know a word for it..
Please don't read this journal, if you don't want to.
It's just for me to write my feelings down (it's about irl problems..)
However, I'd really love to receive comments or advices on this ; U ;
Thank you very much in advance!
So well, as you might know, I'm currently trying to get good grades in school so I could sign up for a scholar ship for a year abroad. Yesterday, after I went to bed (but didn't sleep yet) I had a.. kind of.. okay I started crying (woah this is rlly awkward). I don't even really know why I started crying?? I just thought about school.
The thing is that I'm really trying to try hard. I do try hard most of the time, but it doesn't show any results. My exams (I have written almost only As last year) are now a mix of Cs, Bs and As. About participating in classes, I used to get a lot of Bs because the things I'd have a good quality but I would have to participate more. Well, now I have a lot of Cs instead of Bs for participating.
I don't know, my main problem is the participating-stuff I think? It's really not that I don't want to participate, but rather that I'm afraid of that? I have no idea.. I think I'm afraid of saying wrong things? IDK WHY ;;
Another reason for me "participating less" is that I got a lot of new teachers. The subjects get more difficult, too, of course. I don't know. Seriously ;;
So yesterday I was lying in my bed and I just felt a huge pressure from my family, since they are expecting me to get a lot of As. It's like- if I don't get a super good school certificate this year, I will not be allowed to do the year abroad + I won't be allowed to draw/ be online that much since I'd have to study more..(?)
But.. I really want to be better in school?.. I just can't..? ;;
Instead of that I get even worse in school.
Seriously.. I have no idea what to do wahh-- I just want to disappear for the next 4 years and appear again when I'm done with school. It's just really a huge pressure and I have no idea how to handle it.
Another thing I wanted to write down here is a little more personal after all. It's about my friends irl.
Last year I have always been with my best friend in the breaks. I'm still with her all the time, but.. actually I'm only "another friend" to her right now I think? There are two other girls who ( I think ) want to be her best friend. Both of them are super persistent (is that the right word..?)..
At the moment (almost all of) the girls from our class are all together in the breaks. This includes me, my bf and the two other girls. We always sit on a heater or something (since it's super cold).
About a month ago one of the two girls (I'll name her P for now) suddenly started doing a lot of stuff with my bf (I'll name her A) again, since they used to be best friends in elementary school + first 2 years of our current school. P found another best friend around 2 years ago. But why would she suddenly want to hang out a lot with my bf again? (I started hanging out a lot with my bf since about 1 year) P is really persistent. She was talking to A really much and she sat next to her all the time and often told her to "come to her" when we sat in a bigger circle and they didn't sit next to each other or sth (yes P is annoying). Luckily she got less persistent about 2 weeks ago.
But now there's the other girl of the two girls (I'll name her J). J is WAY more persistent and WAY more annoying than P. She started hanging out with my bf a lot since about a year, too. But J and P in combination really makes me want to just hit them both (no I don't do that//). Thanks to them I barely really talk to my bf in the breaks anymore. WELL luckily I sit next to my bf in almost every class. But- I really don't know. I have the feeling that my bf actually does want to hang out with the two of them more than with me. It makes me really insecure when I sit next to my bf in the breaks. And I am not persistent at all. If I talk to my bf & J or P starts interrupting me, I wouldn't try to keep talking. I just am not this kind of person. But I really don't want to lose my bf just because two other girls are more persistent than me or sth.
I can't even tell J and P straightly because they are (kind of) friends to me, too. But-- amg I just don't know what to do.
I think this is actually one reason why I want to go to school even less than before -> no motivation -> no motivation to participate in class (?) if that makes sense haha/
Wahh if you got through until here: CONGRATS!!//u//
Thank you very much for reading!
I myself feel kind of better now, since I got a clearer sight through all the mess of my rl
I'd highly appreciate if you left a comment down there ↓
So yeah- Thank you!! ; U ;♥