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story so far

Journal Entry: Tue Nov 17, 2015, 3:20 AM
everything around me came crashing down and i had to process things in a very short space of time. i left someone i loved to sort myself out and everything now lies in ruins. but i will persevere i have to. i have to accept that she will never come back and i do... finally...

My poems/ writings recently have been very short lived, written in very short spaces of time, but there's room for improvement on all of them and revising.
I plan to keep writing, and drawing (will upload those when i can).

Long and short, life right now is shit. i'm dealing with everything and i trip every few steps. but i will get there.

I'm doing a TEFL course (teach english as a foreign language) course with plans to leave the country and travel a bit till i find somewhere i can call home.
where i live and have done for the last 20+ years i don't call home... i felt like my relationship was as close to home as i would get living here. but i was wrong it seems.

I can say so much and keep saying it, but in the end it comes down to that. i've fucked up in the past that's why i tried to make it right instead it's in ruins and all i can do now is pick up the shattered pieces and put myself back together and never make those mistakes again.

which is my plan i have my bucket list which i've recently changed the 2 top things in it will never change upon completion:
I will be ok
Ask for help when you are struggling no matter what.

these are now prominent on that list and will remain there for good.

i will not let this beat me.

  • Listening to: silence
  • Reading: the girl with the dragon tattoo
  • Watching: my screen
  • Playing: Rift
  • Eating: food
  • Drinking: water
Fail on the painting twice a day. i really should do more but i lack motivation more and more :(
I know this is my own doing, my wallowing in self pity, at the same time though i feel like a victim of circumstance. Based on my current life experiences with "friends" and relationships I feel pretty worthless, useless and like i shouldn't be around... but meh. such is life.

Maybe i should try to show my feelings in my art, I don't even know how to begin to project my feelings my soul into my art. When I draw or paint I get lost in details rather than trying to express emotion I over complicate the imagery and never finish them. I cant focus on just the expression I feel the NEED, as it were, to show every detail I can and then I lose interest because it's not how I imagine the image to be or even end up.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF MY "rut"!!!

I don't know how to get out of the technical side and into the emotional side to project what I feel the image should be.

Before you jump to conclusions about this, no I'm not suicidal. If my life is shit it's because it's supposed to be and I will make the best of what I have.

If you actually read this page when I can be bothered to write anything then I feel bad for making you read my drivel. I ramble a lot...
  • Listening to: silence
  • Reading: the girl with the dragon tattoo
  • Watching: my screen
  • Playing: Rift
  • Eating: food
  • Drinking: water
i've noticed i have a lot of unfinished pieces as well as lack of inspiration to actually do more... my problem is i'm self taught and cant afford classes in anything let alone things i love like drawing and painting. so my skill is limited to what you see here... i'm going to start to paint a piece at least twice a day every day up to 6 hrs each so not only will speed improve but so will my skill as an artist, i've many passions in my life and art is a mojor one it equals my love for music as these are the only two constants in my life.

I want to do something with one of them and art seems to be my best option, so i'm hoping something will come of from my hard work. as i'm fed up with what i have at the moment and no motivation with anything.

</rant>
  • Listening to: silence
  • Reading: the girl with the dragon tattoo
  • Watching: my screen
  • Playing: Rift
  • Eating: food
  • Drinking: water
i do take commissions for all types of work, message me about it and we'll sort something out.
  • Listening to: DJ Cuckoo - full on psy_trance
  • Reading: N/a
  • Watching: N/a
  • Playing: N/a
  • Eating: N/a
  • Drinking: water
i'm looking for models available over the next month for the following photoshoots:

- 50's style pin ups
- tattoos
- fashion (dark/ goth etc)
- Natural Beauty


A release form will be required to sign (for non commercial use, unless you deem it OK for commercial use).

For nudes you must be 18 or over.

my availability is generally Fri. Sat. Sun however alternative days can be arranged
  • Listening to: DJ Cuckoo - full on psy_trance
  • Reading: N/a
  • Watching: N/a
  • Playing: N/a
  • Eating: N/a
  • Drinking: water