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A Modest Proposal for Harvesting the Essence of Bronies in the Hope of using their Tears to Build a Fairy Kingdom

It is a disconcerting scenario to those who click onto an internet debate, or search blogs, that when they look to the comments they see sections crowded with pony icons, followed by three, four, or six peers, all pastel colours, and importuning every other user for acceptance. These people, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in tirelessly converting others to their cause who, as they grow more accustomed to their practice, either turn zealot for want of friendship, or leave behind their inhibitions to fight for complete control of the digital realm.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of equine sympathisers have rendered the internet a deplorable wasteland, upon which I observe a very great grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these idlers useful members of the internet would deserve so well of the public attitude, as to have his username erected in all corners of the internet.

But my intention is very far from being confined to removing posts from comment boxes: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of fans who are born of lesser stock. As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many months upon this important subject, and having maturely taken into account myriad factors, I have found that other attempts to remove this bane have often overlooked a simple trick. It is true that a brony newly converted may be supported by their peers for many weeks before activating their love beams, and, as it so turns out in all manner of bemusement, these bronies extract nourishment from friendship. They can survive purely on a diet of cordial behaviour and smiling, which is most curious to all those of a sane disposition. There is likewise another observation of these things; that if we find a way to exploit their niceties we shall be able to demean them most effectively. And should we curtail these people and expose them they will shy from their practice to avoid the expense of shame.

The number of bronies on the internet being usually reckoned as ten million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two million who care little for friendship; from which number I subtract five hundred thousand who are able to maintain rational thought, (although I apprehend there cannot be so many of these, under the present distresses of the internet) but this being granted, there will remain almost eight million of these things who desire only to shake you by the hand. I again subtract five million for those imitation bronies who follow the trend only because it is the popular thing, or those who use this interest ignorantly.

There only remain three million of overt conviction. The question therefore is: how can this number be contained and prevented from breeding? By which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, it is utterly impossible to prohibit these people.  As I have been informed by a principal authority of the highest internet regard who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances where a brony did not vomit rainbows on him and ruin his best suit in the process, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is not credited as a brony, and that becoming one of their sort is, in fact, determined by the teenage years. The young shall be excluded, therefore, from the rapturous coming of liberty.

I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing internet associate that a firm and healthy brony well conceived to his mirth is, at twenty years old when his appreciation is at its finest, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout. Their incessant desire for friendship manifests itself, so I am informed, in a welcoming pathos  – of jelly-like consistency – that can be devoured along with their bone, flesh and skin.  

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that of the three million bronies already computed, two hundred thousand may be reserved for breeding, whereof only one percent be females; their kind is lacking in this culture, but one female will be sufficient to serve four thousand males in this fashion. That the remaining millions may, at twenty years old, be driven like herds of ponies into great machines throughout the internet and fed episodes of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" so as to render them plump with the milk of human kindness, and thus fat for a good table of cynicism. A single brony, fed well on a diet of friendship and rainbow wishes, will make two hundred dishes at an entertainment for cynics who can deride them for their lack of cynicism, and when the family dines alone, the fanfictions will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter when cynicism is at its peak.

I have reckoned upon a medium, that a brony just hatched - describe them in this way to insult them further - will weigh five hundred pounds, and in a single year, if tolerably nursed on internet fads and rainbow ponies, will increase to six hundred pounds. I grant the food of their optimism will be somewhat expensive, and therefore very proper for cynics, who, as they have already devoured most other internet fads, seem to have the best entitlement to the bronies.

Brony flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in October, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author that ponies will be returning then, which will supply them with ample diet. The markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of bronies will be eager to see if their show has been renewed for another season; therefore my proposal will have one other collateral advantage, as when this show airs they will spend twenty two minutes off of the internet away from us. As they grow more rotund they will become increasingly more appetising.

Those of us who are more impatient may choose to eat too early; the result is that the pathos is less satisfying. Patience is therefore advised before striking at a brony. As to our internet, precautions need to be taken to ensure that the mass slaughtering of bronies is regimented and efficient in the most convenient parts of this proposal, and depressing butchers may be assured that progress, even if slow initially, will be made. I rather recommend coercing the bronies under a ruse of friendship before dressing them hot from the knife, as we do when roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of the internet, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter and offered a further refinement upon my scheme. He said, that some bronies, the amount of which can be decided in due time, should be allowed to mature to the age of thirty and, in rare circumstance, forty, for a more satisfying crunch when inserting vicious teeth into their exposed flesh. But with due deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for while allowing them to mature an additional twenty years may be viable in improving the flavour of their eventual ridicule, allowing them to stagnate for longer will leave us with a larger brony infestation. As to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission, be a loss to the public, as they would begin to lose the ability to breed further food for our gluttony.

It is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be inclined to censure my proposal, (although indeed very unjustly) as bordering upon cruelty, which, I confess, has always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however well intended. But in order to justify my proposal, it should not be forgotten that the most satisfying crunch to whet the digital appetite is to ridicule the minority; and that, in this circumstance, appears to be the common brony. Some people of a discerning eye are in great concern about the vast number of their kind who are older than the regulatory and aforementioned twenty years, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts upon what course may be taken, to ease the internet of so grievous an encumbrance. We must be careful to not act too soon, however, for if we deprive '[the bronies]' of nourishment, they will make for a less appetising morsel to sate our hunger for dominance.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance:

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of bronies, with whom we are daily over-run, being the principal voice of the current internet, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with a design to consume, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so much good opposition of cynics who have chosen rather to leave the internet than to stand and fight.

Secondly, the taste of a brony is unparalleled for they are the perfect pinnacle of prepubescent fascination worthy of being mocked for the sake of mocking; their increasing adoration of friendship makes them plump and fit for devouring with humorous and witty words of violence.

Thirdly, the internet shall return to its once happy state. No more will there be a million different pony icons at every turn of the head; no more shall a semi-ironic, degenerative meme dictate people's lives.

Fourthly, the breeding bronies will become self-sufficient and continue for many years to come to provide easy nutrition for cynics in need of a quick snack.

Many other advantages would be enumerated. For example, brony tears, when captured in a vial, can be sold for high prices. For, as a wise colleague of mine informs me, the tears of a brony, when poured upon lofty earth will, within mere days, create a magical fairy-dust kingdom of candy wishes and summer smiles. These tears shall be harvested in their own form by a further proposal of mine: it is my belief that in capturing brony tears – of which vast lakes can be extracted when new information is revealed about the show – we shall be able to pour them into a giant well of rational thought and save them for such a time when it pleases us to ridicule them to a point of excess.

I can think of no single objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal and the number of bronies will be thereby much lessened on the internet. I desire the reader will observe that I calculate my remedy for this one individual cause of vice as being readily employed within the space of two months, should action be taken right away. I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, however, as to reject any offer, proposed by other cynics, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual.

But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better alternative, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, my proposal will feed the internet for many years to come. And secondly, it will reduce the amount of bronies that we cynics have to encounter. Some may call us close-minded, but I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the good of the internet. I have no desire to taste brony jelly myself: I will, however, take some brony tears in the hope that I can build a fair kingdom from its magic.
A Modest Proposal for the Bronies, devoted almost entirely to Swift's classic satire.

Sometimes we all just need to learn to be able to laugh at ourselves.
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:icondaaberlicious:
Daaberlicious Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I stopped reading... It got too silly.
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:iconwiikai:
WiiKai Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
..... I'm game
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:iconberlioz-ii:
Berlioz-II Featured By Owner May 13, 2012
Hmm, being 29 bordering on 30 (though refusing to be addressed as "brony" the same as "Trekkie" or other made-up group-inclusive definition) would proffer for a five-star cuisine rating when lapped together with my love of Italian cinema (Fellini, Antonioni, De Sica, Leone, etc.), anime (with a particular appreciation toward Satoshi Kon), Star Trek, the comedy stylings of Monty Python, and the pretentiousness of a Cinema Snob crossed with Oancitizen on top of Friendship is Magic...

In my highly bloated humble opinion this tasty morsel should only be served to the most discernible dilettante of the finer cuisines instead of the usual rabble of internet loiterers and hodgepodge cynics spending their days shoveling down McDonalds cheeseburgers with the gusto their grease-encased hearts can take before succumbing to the inevitable palpitations of a stroke... aaaaand now it seems that I have become hungry. Bring forth the stake, my good sir!
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:iconturkeysm:
TurkeySM Featured By Owner May 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, another excellent piece you have created my dear friend! It's been awhile since I've seen a parody of "A Modest Proposal", and seeing one that has to do with bronies makes my day filled to the brim with sunshine and kingdom creating tears! I loved the way you matched the style and message of the original work to this newer context; my memory was actually sparked multiple times since I could recognize which part of this proposal matched which part of the original one. These works you create are really fun to read, and they are a credit to the English language. Neigh, I shall even go as far as to say that they are a credit to literature itself (at least brony literature)! Now, I must excuse myself to go read your "Admonition to the Reluctant Clopper".
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:iconhopewoods:
hopewoods Featured By Owner May 12, 2012
I love how well you manage to switch the words from the original. It flowed so well not to mention it is just plain awesome.
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:iconregidar:
regidar Featured By Owner May 12, 2012  Student Writer
As an 8 year old girl, I approve of this.
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:iconliam-shotson:
Liam-Shotson Featured By Owner May 11, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
I am a brony because I find it fun to be one. I enjoy the show, enjoy the art mostly because it amuses me and I talk to other bronies. I can't care less about anti-bronies, shippers, ect. With everything there are haters and people with weird fetishes. Heh, I find some bronies laughable, I even agree with alot of this.
Afterall. Brony tears. Best collected when first shed to make the bestest of fairy castles.
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:iconfriendofthedoctor:
FriendoftheDoctor Featured By Owner May 11, 2012
Sadly I'm afraid that I got a little side tracked by your sophisticated pattern of speech, but am I correct in assuming that is a proposal to help deal with the increasing number of the more "enthusiastic" fans of the My Little Pony series?
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:iconleohwzr:
LeoHwzr Featured By Owner May 11, 2012
I dont agree even if satire. Mostly because as a recent Brony im starting to take notice alot of this fandoms faults. Shippers/ those who take the anti-bronies seriously/rule 34/ lack of pegasisters/ etc.

I figure that a fan base with a majority of mature geeks should know that even if the show is visually processed sugar, we still shouldnt act like children over it. Some of the younger bronies would just copy the acts of the older douchier bronies and then non-bronies [or people who havent seen the show] would just end up grouping us all as a bunch of losers.

These few dont speak for all of us, but it does affect the majority of us who are trying to have a little fun with the fandom.

Theyre really needs to be some sort of 'Fandom: How not to Act' Act... and yeah cant be enforced... but it was a thought
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:iconshadowysilence:
shadowysilence Featured By Owner May 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
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:icondoctordapples:
doctordapples Featured By Owner May 11, 2012
Clever girl

[link]
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:iconcuddlepug:
Cuddlepug Featured By Owner May 11, 2012
My God, didn't even know you'd done this! Great minds.
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:iconnicolasduca:
Nicolasduca Featured By Owner May 11, 2012
+1
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