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caught

Daily Deviation
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when I was younger
I used to chase boys
across the schoolyard
and carve their names into
the darkest depths of
my makeshift diaries;
I thought they were my
best kept secrets,
so carefully
tucked away under the
corners of my mattress
(or so I thought until my mother
asked me exactly who
jonathan was and why
my tongue tripped
over his name.)

as I entered
my ripe and pungent
teenage years full of angst
and peer pressure
I found myself falling
or rather flailing
madly into love,
which the first one is
always the messiest
because we’re still not
quite sure what love is
except that it makes your
chest feel tight and
sitting in class next to your now
best-friend-turned-crush
extremely hard--
needless to say he was
neither the first nor last
boy to play with my heartstrings.

but now as I sit on the edge
of adulthood my feet dangling
precariously off its ledge,
the names and faces that
used to line the margins
of my notebooks
have faded to fond memories
and I’ve found myself
traveling a curious little path,
one of exploration and stubbornness,
one that the little girl
on the playground 11 years
earlier would never have
expected to discover,
at least not until
she found her heart
fluttering and spitting,
forcefully caught between
a boy and girl
as she tried to determine
exactly who was
going to win.
This poem was extremely, extremely difficult for me to write simply because my mind could not and (almost) would not talk about my sexuality. I think it's mainly because it's a topic that I've been struggling with a lot lately. As someone who's actually never had any sort of romantic affiliation with anyone, knowing what your body and mind wants isn't exactly easy. Of course, I had my preferences: growing up boys were my poison and all the inevitable crushes fed my hopeless romantic of a heart. But as I've gotten older and as I've tried to figure myself out it seems that boys aren't the only ones that makes my heart flutter. I guess you could blame that desire to answer the unknown, when you yourself are one of the biggest unknowns you've encountered it's hard living with that fact. But clearly my search for self peace has just made a bigger mess of things I guess. But as I travel along this interesting turn of events I just can't bring myself to really identify my sexuality because I honestly don't really know. Am I straight? Bisexual? Do I get complicated with technical terms? Instead of focusing on a label, I'd much rather just say I'll love whoever brings heat to my cheeks and makes my heart flutter.


This piece was wholy inspired by this month's theme over at BeautyInRawHumanity. In light of June being LGBT Pride Month we wanted our members to express their gender and sexual identities through art. If you're interested in joining us for this challenge, you can check the journal out here: fav.me/d8uetf4

If you would like to read a much more experimental piece related to this, however more focused on the idea of not identifying (i.e. about my detestation of labels) you can check out this piece here: sta.sh/015b4boxwps1 I didn't feel it was worthy of a proper upload, but felt some people might like to see it. chromeantennae, you were a major inspiration for this piece. 
Published:
© 2015 - 2020 crystallized-skies
Comments83
anonymous's avatar
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hacker-takyon's avatar
the ending here is intriguing.

on one end, you could interpret it as bisexuality.

on the other, you could interpret it as the narrator's self.
crystallized-skies's avatar
that's a lens that I've never read this piece with but now I definitely see that duality to it! thank you so much for pointing that out it really makes me happy to see an old piece like this in a new light. 
pansydiv's avatar
This really deserves a DD. I've stumbled upon this poem twice before, and each time I was left with something different at the end of it. It's amazing.
And I know what you mean about this being difficult to write, but hey. You did it. This is remarkable.
crystallized-skies's avatar
<3 <3 thank you so much for your kind words. they mean the world. 
pansydiv's avatar
You're welcome :heart:
PerfectHidingPlace's avatar
Thank you for this :) Undertale heart icon 
Zorthain's avatar
hey

just wanted to say it doesn't get easier to explain but it does get easier to understand, at least by yourself. you might find pan suits you if you want to keep it simple to others, but that's my own opinion so please don't take it seriously.

I hope I can kind of understand, and I hope you feel more at peace with the whole "spitting and fluttering" line, it can be tough to grasp at first :3
crystallized-skies's avatar
thank you, honestly. This was wonderful to read. I've certainly thought about pansexuality for simplicity's sake but like you said I think I've certainly had an easier time understanding myself better, especially in the last couple of months. I've certainly fallen into a much more peaceful place with the whole situation. but thank you again, hun. <3  
Zorthain's avatar
yeah, it's a bit of a struggle. I started to think I was a disgrace when I found myself first attracted to a girl, took me the better part of a year to come to terms with it mainly because of the opinions imposed on me by other people and also because she was older by over two years (which is generally scary for me, especially considering I was like, 12-13 and she was already a "mature, perfect high school student" in my mind, so pretty idolized too.) But it's liberating when you finally do find peace, (I think you know that too,) because you can just kind of say "ok, stop. I know this. I understand this. Now I need to step away from this and focus on more important things, because really it's not a big deal anymore, and I am happy with myself."

anyways, it's good to hear you've found yourself again in the midst of the chaos xD and no problem, thank you for the kind reply Hug 
Bisexualdating's avatar
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Uranus-seventhsun's avatar
Evocative and powerful, the DD was well deserved, and your commets made it even more touching.  I can't relate to the boy/notebook and confusion thing, but imagery  like this:

 'as I entered
my ripe and pungent
teenage years full of angst
and peer pressure'

and


'but now as I sit on the edge
of adulthood my feet dangling
precariously off its ledge,'


are just bang on.
crystallized-skies's avatar
Thank you so much! It's comments like yours that make my days a little bit brighter. <3 
skullhips's avatar
congratulations on the daily deviation!!!!!!! :la: :chairdance: :PizzaParty: Party Hard! Lee Epic Dance PARTY HARD Dancing Pumkin head 2 Dancing Pumkin head 4 We Like To Party! (TF2 Chat Icon) :tighthug:
crystallized-skies's avatar
oh my gosh so many icons. x3 thank you so much darling. <3
skullhips's avatar
no problemo! xDD
CherryKittyPaws's avatar
This is great! It speaks to people who have gone through the same kind of things and I personally understand exactly how you feel. It's still hard for me to explain to people how I feel even though I'm completely at peace with who I am. There are certain people in my family that still don't know I'm Bi and I feel as though I have to keep it that way because I know they wouldn't accept me for the way I am. Amazing piece! <3
crystallized-skies's avatar
That's what I liked about writing this piece, it finally helped me understand how I felt and gave some sort of form to that hard to understand aspect of it. Thank you for reading and sharing, my dear. 
Libitina96's avatar
You wrote a poem from the heart and it is amazing.
crystallized-skies's avatar
oh thank you so much! <3
ArlyssStewart's avatar
I have not the skill of language required to properly praise both of these poems. I will just say that, they are both amazing to read, and thank you for writing and sharing them :)
crystallized-skies's avatar
thank you so much! <3 
ArlyssStewart's avatar
You are so very welcome :3
anonymous's avatar
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