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Critique of Twisted-Prologue by lucifers-uke

Steam rose from the ground as a highly adorned figure took a step forward out of the mist.

(Right off the bat, I would say expand "highly adorned figured" – how was he/she adorned (describe). Next, you use fog and mist in the same sentence and pretty much mean the same thing. I see what effect you're going for, but it sounds too wordy. At the end, describe the surrounding in another way.)

The violent fog
(Again  - another fog/mist/steam reference. 3 times in two sentences. Also, fog isn't violent.)
followed his steps, shrouding him in musty air and mystery

(Don't tell your reading the scene was mystery – show us. Show, don't tell.).

The blood-covered boot slowly changed into a more convenient type of shoe,

(too wordy. Show the transformation without the unnecessary words. For example: The boot smeared boot slowly transformed into a pristine, high top Converse shoe. Also, you use "The" three times in a row to start your sentences)

a Converse High-top with no stains. The ragged and torn leather pants reformed into a pair of casual, black jeans

("little detail" is wordy. If you don't give us descriptions of the jeans, we assume they are plain.)

with little detail. A few black

(You use "black" twice in a row – use raven, inky, coal, ebony, raven, etc)
feathers fell to the ground and

(Don't need "a")

a gentle laughter filled the air.

(Gentle? Not maniacal?)

Once more(,) the figure stepped forward

(Too wordy. I am confused. Why describe the shape shifter if he just goes back into the mist again? Draw this scene out because it seems too rushed and obviously it's important..)

and all that could be seen were two vibrant blue eyes as the haze again covered the being's body. Pleased at having escaped destiny yet again, the creature whispered(,) "I'll be there soon, kid."

This whole scene could be described more – the alleyway, whether cats hissed and ran off as the being materialized, etc. Detail makes the plot believable.


Seymore was feeling too weak to cringe
(Cringe?! He would only cringe if some guy was beating him with a gun butt? You need way more emotion here.)
At (as) the gun salesman pounding(ed) his face with the hilt of his best seller. The man weighed much more than he did and had Seymore's arms pinned down with his knees, mercilessly beating the child into a pulp.

If I could just get my arms free, this would be so much easier to end…the boy thought; the man on top of him cursed him.
(More emotion – the kid would be screaming this in his head)

"Give me the gun you stole! Give it up and I'll keep the charges to a minimum! Children these days have no respect for authority or anything! Give me the gun!" the angry merchant screamed as he slammed the gun into Seymore's nose, shooting blood into both of their eyes.
(Other writers might disagree, but try not to over use the exclamation mark. Allow your words to describe HOW words are being said. Also describe what the Main Character "MC" is going action wise. Is he struggling, is she yelling? Is he lying there and merely taking it?)
The merchant stood, trying to void his eyes of the stinging.
(What is making his eyes sting?)
Seymore, though blind, saw his opportunity and slammed both of his newly freed palms into the man's temples. The man crumpled over nearly unconscious and Seymore quickly punched him into the ground next to him, stumbling to his feet. He heard clapping behind him and was quite angry that he had an audience(.) (None of which ) offered him assistance. He tried to maintain his composure, eyeing the young gentleman behind him who spoke.

(I thought the MC was blind from the beating – how could he "eye" the man. Maybe describe his vision coming back into focus? Also, describe the environment – set the stage.)

"I find it very interesting that someone with such a positive reputation would steal a gun and then nearly kill the man that he stole it from. Of course, I could be wrong in the fact that you are Seymore Sachar and that the tattoo on your forehead is just a mimic. In that case, I could be a hero and turn you in for item and identity theft, attempted murder, and save some idiot's life."
(How is this being said? Describe the speaker. You brought some backstory into this by mentioning a tattoo and crimes. Tell the reader about this somehow before the mystery becomes confusing.)

"How do you know who I am, and why didn't you help me get out of that mess?" Seymore said, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. The blond man in front of him laughed and brushed a strand of hair out of his face.
(Good – a bit of description but it must come sooner.)

"Because I had a feeling you could handle it alone. Besides, I didn't want to waste any energy on you because even if you are famous, you are worthless, especially if you stole a gun with no intent to use it."

Seymore was beginning to boil over, and this amused the blond. (He)Seymore did everything he could to ignore the man in front of him (by) pulled(ing) out his cell phone(.) (As) he began dialing, it burst into flames. Seymore threw the burning object away, accidentally hitting the blond on the arm. He was trying to apologize when he found himself pinned up against a wall with oxygen(,) a rare ingredient in his lungs. The blue eyes staring into his seemed as though they too were on fire. The man took the burning phone and pressed it hard on Seymore's shoulder.  

(Who did this – the blonde? If so – tell us because the action seems sudden and a bit confusing. This scene is rushed. Within a couple of sentences you have him dialing, the phone combusting and him being pushed up against a wall. Take a breath and show how it happened for your readers.)

Kura, I am going to kill you if I survive this…I am absolutely going to rip you apart…Seymore thought, his skin melting and he tried to cry out in pain. (He) was on the ground as quickly as he had been pinned on the wall, his arm and nose now pouring blood (while) the man walk(ed) away.
(Waaa? I am really confused what is going on.)
A pile of ash lay on the ground next to Seymore. He was too angry and hurt to think straight. (Slowly, he) stood (and ran after) the man, (punching him in) the back of (the) head. As soon as he had done this, he quickly snapped from angry to regretful. The blond(e) turned and looked Seymore in the eyes once more, a small bit of blood trickling from his left eye.

"You should have let me go, kid. Now I may very well add your ashes to that pile over there. I have anger issues, and you are about to get a full demonstration of what pissed off really means."
(more character detail on both sides. I cannot SEE either character. Oh, and they speak way too formally.)

Seymore took a couple of steps back at the sheer ferocity the man was putting off. He (did not intend to run away), but he knew that this guy wasn't joking.

"I shouldn't have had bad aim with the phone, if it is any consolation…"
(Too wordy and awkward. Say it out loud and make it more believable.)
Seymore said with a strong voice fading into what he now felt was inevitable. He couldn't break the eye contact until the man in front of him vanished; a sharp tinge of pain entered his gut causing him great nausea. (This needs to be rewritten. Too fast - slow it down and describe it more.)

"If you throw up on me, I swear I'll turn you into a pretzel; a burnt and crispy pretzel that will probably be too charred to eat. This is such a waste of someone with such potential,"(I thought you said he vanished?)  

I won't go any further. None of my edits are made to be insulting towards you. I can tell you see what is going on in your head as you write. You can see the characters moving within the scene – we can't.

First thing before you launch into action is describe the environment – like in a theatre when the curtains rise. The audience gets an idea of the setting: the furniture, whether or not there is a crowd lingering, if there are smells in the air, are there tress nearby, etc. Writers have to describe EVERYTHING for the reader.

Start showing us your scene and then launch into the action. Make sure as you are going through your plot, you describe what is going on. Right now, I see: this happens and this happen and then that happens. That is good, but it moves quickly and the reader never gets a chance to feel a part of anything.

If your MC is being pinned down – show us the brutality of what is going on – show us the pain he is feeling and how he is reacting to the pain. Show us how the attacker is attacking him – do we hear bone splinting or grunting. Is spit flying through the air as he gets his face slammed in. SHOW don't tell.  

You have a good basis to start from, good luck. I hope I was somewhat helpful.
LateNightLady Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2009  Professional Writer
The boot smeared boot slowly transformed into a pristine, - blood smeared (sorry ;)
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