Critique of Silhouette of a Man by RedSky-atNight


A dark silhouette of a man stood (how is he standing? Impatiently, patiently, hovering, lingering – be more descriptive.)  by a woman sleeping
Under a supple wafer of seagull-white cotton.
It rested ever lightly upon her quietly nude body.
There was a full moon painted close by the window (and)
under it she lay, her skin shining quietly in the quiet light.
By her bedside stood a man, silhouetted against the moon.

For a space of time(,) the scene remain unchanged;
The man in black(use another word – black is boring. Midnight, ebony, coal, ink, etc) tenderly fingered (her) covers (and)
the woman slept soundly with soft intakes of breath.
The moon shone through the window, illuminating the night (-)
Illuminating her naked features in its discreet light;
Defining his raiment in a tall, dark(I hate to be picky – but tall and dark are a bit bland as well) silhouette(.)

For a moment(,) their eyes met, for no doubt she dreamed of his(.)
When the man's look rested upon her lids;
When his tears could be seen falling in silhouette(,)
The man lowered himself on his knee, and hid his eyes(.)
There he confessed his love to the woman quietly sleeping. (I thought she was awake)
There he wept, silhouetted against the moon

Quietly the man let known his grief to the moon outside the window(,)
In filtered a quiet light, casting his features in dark silhouette(.)
The man knelt by the bedside of a woman quietly sleeping.
Her body reposed innocently in the moon's quiet light(;)
Her locks were deepest black, dark as the man in silhouette.
There knelt the man in grief, silhouetted against the moon.

There he spoke two words in her ear before rising (-)
before pulling from its sheath a stiletto of keen shine
upon which the moon shone down its quiet light.
Quietly the man brought the knife above his shoulder,
His face cast in black (and) eyeing her seagull-white.
There he stood a moment, silhouetted against the moon.

Resolved, he plunged the knife deep into the woman's breast
(and) she woke(,) releasing a quiet cry of pain.
The woman's eyes were drawn to the stiletto of keen shine
Delved in her breast, illuminated in a quiet light by the quiet moon.
There she lay serenely, albeit with short, pain-ridden breaths,
clutching the stiletto; illuminated by the moon.

In her final moments she sought out the man in silhouette(.)
His face was turned and he hid his eyes for fear(,)
Standing enveloped quietly in the shadow of the moon.
But dying in the moon's quiet light she endeared herself to him(;)
Drawing his look upon her at the last, bringing light to his face.
There they reconciled, in the quiet rays of the moon.

There she died, one hand around the knife in her breast (and)
The other in the hands of the man in silhouette.
The quiet light of the moon had fallen from his face (- )
Though his eyes remained transfixed upon the woman.
On the blood that leaked from her breast he paid no attention
For she lay as if sleeping, bathed in the quiet light of the moon.

The man let known his love to the moon close by the window (and)
In filtered a quiet light, casting his features in dark silhouette.
He knelt by the bedside of a woman, upon whom shone the moon.
Locks of deepest black framed her face in the quiet light;
her pale eyes remained upon the man in silhouette.
Under a wafer of cotton lay the woman, illuminated by the moon.

With a soft kiss on her brow rose the man in silhouette.
From his coat he withdrew a white magnolia (and)
Pressedit to his mouth so as to inhale its tender aroma.
He held it against the moon a moment, as a dark silhouette,
whereon he laid it on the woman's breast alongside the stiletto.
There it rested quietly, illuminated by the moon.

A dark silhouette of a man looked upon a woman sleeping
under a dulled wafer of seagull-white cotton.
It rested ever lightly upon her quietly nude body.
There was a full moon painted close by the window (and)
under it lay a magnolia, shining quietly in the quiet light.
By the bedside stood a man, silhouetted against the moon.

The Sour
I see the repetition of words is intentional and that is why I am skipping down to the bottom to save time. If you were trying for an effect – I would stop. When a reader sees multiple words used over and over again, we start to look for them and it can pull us out. The worst thing you want to do to a reader to bring them back into reality. After reading this, I walk away with "moon" "silhouette" and "quiet" repeating in my head and yet I don't remember the story. Every line I kept looking for it. It flows well using the words but I felt more rubber banded around.
My advice – which is only my opinion – is drop the repetition and put in your own personal description.  This could be a hauntingly lovely tale without them.
I did a bit of editing. If you feel uncomfortable with the semi-colon – don't use it. Just try and form complete sentences instead.  If you use them because you feel you must – it will show.
The Sweet
I love the darkness of this piece and how you experimented with the form. It shows you have a great talent for poetry and a command of the language. Remember this is only my opinion and others will feel differently. Good luck and thank you for submitting it!
Critique by =LateNightLady
No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment:

:iconcritique-it: More from Critique-It

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
November 29, 2009
File Size
0 bytes