a
literature

a cloud hardens over my head

5 12 78 (1 Today)
Published: August 9, 2018

a cloud hardens over my head
most days it gets in the way
and worsens
i can't know what it is
except the wisp belongs to me

where or when it forms 
[moist eyes, mouth dry, a stiffening] 
gestures how for very long,
i have walked on eggshells
with you  this thread won't hold
if i slip, let go a little


© 09.August.2018 :house:
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© 2018 - 2019 cristinewakesuphappy
:bulletblue: what do you know for sure?
:bulletblue: here's our plan, self:
  • look down [or up]. just don't meet eyes with other people.
  • remember, it doesn't matter what you want.
  • don't fall for small talks for as long as you can help it.
  • keep it inside. shove it in. 
  • keep to yourself.
  • forget it.
  • never mind.
  • stop watering dead flowers.
  • don't get in the way.
  • just get by.
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groupthink and gardens
we've grown so used to stepping on flower buds before they can bloom because they're a different color than everyone else's and different doesn't fall into the category of "good" or "acceptable." different doesn't fit here, so we try and try again to soak stems in food colored water and thick-coat paint on petals hoping that maybe our defects will sprout some sense and learn to conform and match the rest. we took seeds from other gardens and planted them in our own until our yards looked the exact same as theirs and then our flowers weren't a different color than everyone else's anymore and that scared me. i wanted deviation; i had no desire
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Her skeleton pushed outwards while her skin caved in. My fingers crawled up her spine. They dipped into the hollow above her collarbone and memorized the sheer slope of each protruding rib. I watched her die. -                I gasped for breath in an effort to satisfy my ribcage, but the heavy air snapped my bones.                                           {I was trying to breathe you in} - Each breath seemed to puncture a hole in your lungs.
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Comments (12)
thesquareroot's avatar
fun fact: the average cumulus cloud weighs around 1.1 million pounds 
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sherbetblooms's avatar
can relate :heart: :hug:
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xlntwtch's avatarComment Featured By Owner
Found through your thoughtful bullet list, thanks! This makes me want to say "Let go." I think (I know, from experience) that what you so aptly describe as '...walked on eggshells' is no way to live. It's highly circumscribed and difficult. Please let go. You may find it better after the initial feeling of falling. I don't know. And because of that, I should say "Only let go if you can."  Or "Let go if you want to." Or something. Or just :hug:
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cristinewakesuphappy's avatar
:heart: 

thank you. 
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DogmaticKerr's avatar
You remind me of myself in some ways, and I'm sorry for that :huggle: because it can be a terribly lonely thing being like me! I think our only difference lies in putting ourselves out there (at least as I can observe by your handy-dandy bullet points :heart: ). I like to face things head on even if, especially if, I know they're doomed and will end badly for me... this is mostly because I fell in love with the notion of allowance, a long time ago, thanks to a beautiful song from a surprisingly beautiful game. The song is "The Best is Yet to Come" and it is in Gaelic - and one of the most accurate and in-depth lyrical translations reveals one of the lines to be "Allow it and you will have it / allow it and love will be" and it struck a cord with me years ago and resonates to this day. True - I am beyond brilliant and analytical to what others would consider a fault - I read people like books and tend to know where things are going before they even start - dynamic observations and all - but even I have to admit that as right as I am, as correct as I tend to be, I cannot know every roll of every die, every time, and that I must admit that as wildly improbable as a thing may be, the thing is still *possible*. So while I do bear myself in mind and constantly measure 'my place' I mostly resist the urges to keep it to myself and to keep things inside - I share what I feel I am allowed to share or what would be helpful to share though I will clam up if it seems like the reasonable thing to do, or if it is wanted of me (but not asked).
What makes me smile the most sadly though (smiling for the awful affirmation :hug: ) is "remember, it doesn't matter what you want" - this is something that goes right to my core. I have found that what I want and what I *deserve* are the last things on anyone's mind - they matter the least in absolutely every sense... and it was such a strange thing to learn when I was young, because you're told otherwise the entire time. What you want, matters and you should give people what they deserve - I guess that most people either didn't get those lessons themselves, or they simply weren't listening.
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cristinewakesuphappy's avatar
:heart:
also, have i thanked you enough for leaving such thoughtful feedback/self-ruminations? 
i guess in a way, i try to put myself out there only when i write poetry - mostly and elsewhere, i clam up

i absolutely agree with you on this: 

'What makes me smile the most sadly though (smiling for the awful affirmation Hug ) is "remember, it doesn't matter what you want" - this is something that goes right to my core. I have found that what I want and what I *deserve* are the last things on anyone's mind - they matter the least in absolutely every sense... and it was such a strange thing to learn when I was young, because you're told otherwise the entire time. What you want, matters and you should give people what they deserve - I guess that most people either didn't get those lessons themselves, or they simply weren't listening.'

:wave:  
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DogmaticKerr's avatar
:heart:

Believe it or not, you have - I think even the simplest of thanks from the most lovely and pure of sources is really the greatest of things :huggle: It's rare that I read poetry and find that it resonates much with me, at all - normally I can appreciate the mood and imagery, the word-usage and the craft but I often find myself spectacularly at-odds with the content - perspectives I can't abide, methods and modes I would never indulge in and, generally, weakness given excuses. You are something else entirely and it's so beautiful, so amazingly loaded and pleasantly palatable for its familiarity, honesty and inherent introspective goodness - even if it's not always about good things. You are a delight and I love you :heart:
It's hard to blame you - in fact, it's impossible to blame you because I not only understand, but I quite agree and if it weren't for my annoyingly stoic nature and tendency to follow-through, I'd do the same... and in some ways, I already do. I don't believe in endless chances and I want things to be done "properly" and to make sense - I expect people to be brave, I want them to be forthright and I constantly hold them accountable when they're not and, as you can imagine... it does me no favors :lmao: So for me, too, there is a point where I become something of a wall - they're welcome to climb it, but I'll be damned if I'm letting them in without the struggle they've earned. This is the end of the line for essentially everyone - I find I am *not* worth that sort of effort ;)

And that's a terrible thing! :huggle: I wish you didn't know what that felt like! It's one of the few things out there that make me bristle (internally) and actually hurt me - when someone casually, emptily and, without any real appreciation for what it means, tells me that I deserve better :faint: It goes to my core, particularly when it's someone who could *give* me better, but would rather not :lmao:

:wave: :heart:
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nawkaman's avatar
nawkaman|Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
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cristinewakesuphappy's avatar
:heart:
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ilyilaice's avatar
Missed reading your poetry! I love the imagery in this.
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cristinewakesuphappy's avatar
[my little :heart: says "thank you"]
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anonymous's avatar
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