cottonpatch

I tried to let my eyes adjust to the darkness, with no avail.  It was just too dark, and cold, I couldn’t see anything.    I knew I was walking somewhere, but didn’t really know?  Instinctively, I raised my right arm out from my side, fingertips stretched.  I ran my fingers against the wall as I walked, to help guide me.  I concentrated on the texture, bumpy and rough.  Porous, rough, and dry, followed by a smoother, yet still rough, dip.  I could feel each shape, a shape, surrounded by dips on all sides. I let my fingers slide around and trace what I was feeling.  It was rectangle.  A brick wall, I thought.  It became a rhythm now, as I could feel each brick, followed by the grout.

I concentrated on each foot step, not really knowing where I was going.  Had I lost my mind?  How could I not know where I was?  It was disorienting.  My mind swirled, I struggled to keep my thoughts calm.  Panic began to strike, as I stifled a scream in my throat, my breath short and raspy.  “Get a hold of yourself!” I snapped, hoping to bring myself back to reality.  My steps began to quicken, and soon I was in a run, running with my life.  Panic took me faster and farther, but it was to dark, and I stumbled on my own two feet.  I reached up to feel the warm and sticky streak that was running from my forehead.  I jerked my hand back with utter shock and horror.  I reached up to feel again.

How many times had I fallen?  I tried to think, as I traced my face, feeling each raised line on my forehead, arms, and legs.  I could feel the tacky blood, some wounds were
Fresh, others were dried, rough to the touch, others smooth, soft, and vulnerable with new growth of skin.  What was going on?  I had fallen so many times, and I couldn’t remember.  Maybe it wasn’t that I couldn’t remember, but like I couldn’t keep up. How many times?  I pushed the thought out of my head.  I knew I had to get up, that’s all.  This internal nagging kept haunting me, just to put one foot in front of the other.

I could feel the pain in my legs as I got up, my knees shaking from the shock, and reached out my right hand again, to trace along the wall, and to steady myself.  This hallway wouldn’t ever end.  I couldn’t see any light, any signs or clue as to where I was or where I was going.  I kept walking, one foot stepping in front of the other.  I placed each foot, carefully and cautiously.  I kept walking, and walking.  My fingertips were feeling the porous surface of the wall again, my only guidance in the darkness.  I let my mind slip back into the calm, brought by the rhythm.

A sudden halt of my left foot stopped my train of thought.  There was no more ground in front of me.  I could feel the empty space as I tried to put my left foot down. I pushed my foot ahead of me, tapping my toe beneath to test the vastness of this empty space.  I gave up after some time had past.  I let the reality sink in.  There was nothing.  I simply placed my left foot back down next to my right.

But there was more ground to cover.  No, not forward ground anyway.  Somewhere deep in me, I suddenly knew where I was.  I felt to the right, more open space, the wall next to me was gone.  I reached out with my left, stretching my fingers out again, nothing.  Had I really reached this place?  I knew I had to continue walking, but had I really made it this far already?  And suddenly I knew.  I knew what was to come, where my feet would have to lead me next.
I could go right, or left.  And there I stood, for what seemed like eternity.  My decision was torn.  I knew what was to the right, I knew what was to the left, but I still couldn’t decide.  To the right, or to the left, panic began to strike my breathing again, my mind swirling with the decisions I would have to make on each path.  How many times I would fall again, how many times I would decide to get back up.  The rush of feelings came to my mind, feelings that would come, from the right, and from the left.

I thought of the pain and agony in each road.  The suffering and tears, with each road that I would choose.  A smile flickered across my face, the corners of each side drawing up.  I thought of the joy and happiness, that each road would also bring.  I let my lips stretch back out into the thin, straight line, as reality set back in.  Sooner or later, I would have to choose, and I knew all too well what each path would bring.  No one was here to help me with my decision.  It was all on me I was for sure.  

Thoughts of the pain, agony, happiness, bliss, struggles, failures, and overcoming I would now face flooded my mind.  I knew which way I would go.  I turned my body, reaching my arm out to the side again, reaching blindly to the new wall out beside me.  I concentrated on the pattern on the wall, brick, grout, brick grout, and my mind sunk back into the rhythm.  My footsteps were echoing with each placement of each foot.  Steady and sure.  This was my journey.