I'm just extra irritable right now but this is something that's been on my nerves since almost day one of working here. I work in an office that opens onto a very long hall with melamine floors and painted cement brick walls, so that you can hear what the guy way at the other end is talking to his desk mate about since there's nothing to dampen the sound.
I've mostly learned to ignore the variety of noises here, like the constant banging from the machine presses in the background, or the weird tattoo-machine noises from their fancy laser cutters or just the sounds of people talking and walking and doing people things.
But there's this one woman. I swear you'd think she was about to keel over dead. She has the worst
hacking cough I have ever heard, and I've heard some wicked coughs. It sounds like her lungs are filled with cottage cheese and her throat lined with coarse grit sandpaper. I was convinced she must be horribly ill with a cold, until after a few weeks I realized she just has this permanent cough of death because it never went away.
Then I heard her speak.
Put the crack pipe down Sally, put it down! She basically sounds like a mash up between Selma Bouvier from the Simpsons, and Petunia from Futurama. It sounds like it should be painful
for her to speak, her voice is so ragged and horrifying. Worse, she can't seem to go a full sentence without coughing so if she's talking to anybody you can bet she's going to cough at them several times in the process. And of course it just resonates up and down the hallway, echoing its chunky, rasping horror.
My parents are both lifelong chain smokers and they do not have a cough like that. My grandfather had throat AND lung cancer
from a lifetime of smoking and he
didn't even sound like that!!
Everybody with half a brain knows what you're up to in your spare time Hacky McHackerson
So for the sake of all that's holy have the decency to cover your crack mouth (I've seen her teeth, there's really no other explanation once you line up the evidence) when you're hacking up a lung, none of us need to deal with that shit lady.
Crack smoking co-worker with insanely loud hacking cough WON'T STOP COUGHING ARGH!