The pony racial debates have become heated in recent years. So many wayward souls forget about the harmony and amity that should unite us and instead focus on asinine racial questions that engender only discord and enmity. Which race is superior? Why do unicorns tolerate pegasi? Why do earth ponies smell so bad?
Well my little ponies, I am here to elevate this discourse to a Hole Nutha Level. Today, in this video, I will prove to you without a shadow of a doubt that earth ponies are not only the most inferior of all pony races, but they are also complete and utter shit.
Wait! Before y’all rear up and try to buck me in the head, hear me out, please? I think you’ll find my argument quite persuasive.
As portrayed in the Season 2 episode Hearth’s Warming Eve and in the book Journal of the Two Sisters by Amy Keating Rogers, each race is imbued with its own particular magic. Earth ponies have an innate ability to grow things, pegasi can fly and control the weather, and unicorns are the literal embodiment of magic, the pinnacle of pony perfection personified, elite and elegant hornéd equines, magnificent- OK, you get the idea.
So unicorns are obviously amazing, and I guess pegasi are okay too, I mean being able to fly has its advantages, I suppose. So what makes earth ponies so superior at rape culture, along with the cultivation of other crops?
It was this question, once upon a midnight dreary, I pondered, weak and weary. Then, Eureka! As an idea materialized in my tiny simian derivative brain, a choir of angelic unicorns rang through my head, informing me that, lo!, I had discovered an Eternal Truth. What makes earth ponies so special is quite simple: Their shit. That’s right, their fetid fecund feces! Of course! Why hadn’t it occurred to me sooner?
For thousands of years here on Earth we’ve used manure, most typically bovine, to fertilize our crops. It only makes sense that the horses themselves would’ve tried fertilization with their own dookie, and perhaps Earth pony dung is just the best there is.
I deliberated internally after this realization hit me while continuing to watch the aforementioned Hearth’s Warming Eve episode. Then I saw it: Chancellor Puddinghead. I-is that pudding on her head or is that pudding on her head?! Holy crap, it’s shit! HORSELUMINATTI CONFIRMED!!!