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somestrangebirds's avatar

Hey! Congratulations on the daily deviation.

If you looked to improve this piece, I'd consider interrogating some of these sentences to be sure they're saying exactly what you want to say, as precisely as possible.

I'd also look to be a little more economical. For example, I think the first strophe might be condensed to its final sentence without losing much:


can never forget, we can never forgive those

empty souls who force a child to age to soon

(You have a typo here, by the way: 'to soon' should be 'too soon'.)

The second strophe is a bit more interesting because it starts to construct imagery/figuration around its topic: whirlpool / empty vessels / swirling abyss / empty shells. Now, some of this is a bit vague and overly familiar (e.g., the concept of an 'empty shell' is a bit too familiar and edging towards a cliché) but these are nevertheless images a reader can engage with more imaginatively, I think, than the statements and questions of the prior strophe.

Anyway, congratulations again and I hope this comment is of some use to you.

Backjack-Kitsune's avatar

Thank chu so much i will look in to those suggestions