In this special 3 part story,Crisanto,now in his teens,writes 3 separate entries of his family in a secret diary he bought for himself when he was a kid.
In this one big entry here,he finally talks about his most beloved family member of all,his Mother.
I love my father and sister so much!
But...for most of the time,it was my mother who stuck by me ever since I was a baby.She’s the main reason why I’m the man today,and even my name was thought up by her.
Crisanto,a Spanish form of Chrysanthus, and a Greek name meaning "golden flower". My name possibly has a Filipino origin as well,but I’m not entirely sure.So when I was old enough to browse the Internet,many sites says that my name is indeed of Spanish and Greek origin,but I even managed to find my name also relating as a Filipino name,and in Filipino,my name means “Christ”.
It did surprise me when I was told by Mama that my birthday was on December 25,the same day Jesus,the Son of God,was born.Mama giggled at my surprised expression.
To add to this coincidence,apparently,I grew up religious.Much more religious than my mother,who is born a catholic and grew up in a rather religious family.I grew up reading most of the bible,and I was especially fond of reading the story of Adam and Eve,Noah’s Ark,and of course,the birth of Jesus Christ.
I pray every night and day,during meal time and such,I memorized prayers from the bible,I sometimes would say some of the verses of the bible and more.I even bought a book of saints when I visited a bookstore with my Mother.
My mother,though not religious,is proud that I have a healthy practice of my religion.But she warned me that if I ever abuse my faith on religion,she would punish me through silent treatment,meaning,she would be cold to me and ignore me,and that’s something I NEVER wanted to happen.
But it’s still a good thing her family has a well balanced faith,because religion CAN get out of hand.
Other than my name and religion,my mother is an overall quiet woman.It’s funny though,she hasn’t changed a bit.Well-in terms of height that is ( ^ _ ^)’...
And can you believe that she’s almost in her 30s?She still looks like a mid teen,for crying out loud!Well,I don’t know if she should thank her Asian genes for that.
But aside from that,there are moments where she unleashes her inner child again.Like the time she went into the art store to caress marker sets as if they were her children,the times she would visit a store that sells plushies and christened them and became her children,she would squeal when she gets to pet baby animals,and not to mention that she squeals over anything that interests her.
Despite that she’s growing older,she’s still a kid,and I don’t want her to lose what’s left of her innocent childlike tendencies.
From what I heard from Auntie Kitten,Mama used to be the typical girly girl as a kid.I gasped,and Auntie Kitten laughed,saying that she too was surprised when her own gothic,emo twin sister personally told her that.
To me,it was a huge surprise when Auntie Kitten continued describing my mother as a kid.She told me that used to collect barbies,she loves anything pink and glittery,and the most surprising thing of all,Mama used to love going outside and was an extrovert!
I gasped even more.My quiet,indoor loving,introverted mother,once loved being in the outside and loves hanging out with people?
I couldn’t believe Auntie at first,but she just laughed,saying that it depends on me if I believed her story or not.And to be honest,up until today,I still didn’t believe her story until my mother herself told me.
I was blown out of my mind that day.
My mother,to me,is a beautiful woman.
Despite her short height,she is unique in her own way.Even though she’s not exactly society’s ideal type of woman,my mother is beautiful in her way.Sure,she’s also not the brightest star,but she is intelligent in her own way,for she has a way with words.
It makes it better that she is a talented artist,and she practiced her craft ever since she was 3 years old.Though happy with her talent and skills,she still talks shit about herself.
I hate it when she degrades herself as a whole being.But she has her reasons.She doesn’t want to be desirable,especially for men.She purposely self-loathe herself so that men wouldn’t chase after her.
My mother doesn’t seem to like the majority of the male population,and I can see why.She only likes certain types of men,and she especially admires men like me.She even said that men should takes notes from me,for I am the ideal man,my mother said.
The men she despises are the shitty ones.The abusers,the rapists,child traffickers,corrupted authority figures,the ones who think that women are just their playthings and more.I may be a man,but I agree with my mother.
Those kinds of men need to be wiped off the earth.
My mother is usually a nice person,not to mention she’s as kind as she could ever be.But sometimes,her kindness is her weakness.
She told me of her of her junior high school days one day.
In her view,she was too dense to not notice that her former classmates took advantage of her once shy and gentle nature.And can you believe me when I say that mother used to NOT curse?
I couldn’t believe it too.
My mother,when she was 7th grade,wanted to fit in and tried to please her classmates.It was when she slowly reached to 9th grade that made her wake up to reality that she never really belonged there in the classroom.During the majority of her junior high school years,she only had two friends.But now that Mama went off to senior high,they never talked much anymore.
I was furious when she told me that someone in her old school said one time that she was a freak.She couldn’t remember who said that about her,but whoever that person was,I so desperately wish I could slap them in the face.
During her junior high school days,it was also the time when Mama once had a boyfriend.I spat out the tea I was drinking.My mom dated a guy?!
Mama just giggled nervously,saying that she didn’t know her sexuality back then,but then her small smile faded to one of guilty frown.She and her ex only lasted for 3 months,before the guilt consumed her heart and broke off the relationship.She further explained that she confessed to her ex is because her true intention was to see if she is capable of loving another person,for she had no idea how to when it comes to intimate love back then.
It turns out...she wasn’t ready to love...
Her ex was a sweet boy to her,a rarity of boyfriend these days.He loved my mother for 3 years straight,and that love grew stronger due to the fact that he and mother attended the same school together.
Hell,he fell in love with her the moment he saw her.He was 6th grader at that time,and visited her house because he was working on a project with Mama’s sister.My mother wasn’t part of the school he attended at the time,but when he laid eyes on my mom,he quickly fell for her.For 3 years straight,he tried to win the heart of my Mama,but in the end,it only got broken.
I almost choked on my tears.I was a sucker for romance,but tragic romance?I was always a crybaby when it comes to those,and unfortunately,My mother always seemed to be in these types of romances,and it saddens me deeply because it’s true.
After 3 months of attempted love,her ex knew what she was thinking,for he had saw her crying one day in school.So,in the afternoon in school,her ex agreed on a breakup.
My mother agreed to it,and they both went their separate paths,both parties hurt and heartbroken.
That was when my mother first became emotionless towards love,and vowed to never fall in love again to keep herself from being heartbroken.
But....that is...until she met my father.
For a long time,my mother had hope that this relationship with Papa would finally make her happy.She loved my father deeply,and tried her best to keep them happy,and every time my mother would say that her sacrifices for her relationship to last were insignificant,I wanted to cry.
My mother,for most of her life,is used to downgrading herself.She would always lower her self-esteem and confidence.She would say negative things about herself,and hearing her talking like that about herself resulted me to hug her,tears streaming down my eyes.
I was around 13 years old when Mama told me all of this,and she gently smiled as she hugged me back,still continuing her small story while patting my hair.
My mother longed for happiness,she longed for someone to love her unconditionally,and when she dated Papa,she felt loved,she felt secure-
She was finally happy!
But then...things started to go bad.
If you had read my previous entry about my father,you then already know what they did to Mama for the past 3 years.
But despite that,Mama was still strong,willing to try harder for the sake of her relationship to last.
...Until 3 years later,the horrible truth came out.
...I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about right?
When it came out...my mother’s patience finally snapped.
She ended her relationship with my father at the mid end of August.
And ever since then,she was never the same again.
To this day,her dull,lifeless eyes still haunt me every time I look at them.When I do,I see pain,sadness,grief,anger,and disappointment.Her outlook and her view on love,now shattered along with her already worn out heart.
Because of it,a lot of traits of my mother has vanished.She’s still kind though,but when provoked,she would become a force to be feared of.especially in our household.
Her eyes never shined again,and it’s a painful,constant reminder.
Because no matter how hard my father tried to redeem themselves in the eyes of my once happy mother,she couldn’t move on from her past.
After all,once a Pisces is backstabbed by a person she trusts the most,that cut stays FOREVER.
My mother would somehow,and hopefully learn to forgive father,but never in a million years will she forget about the pain and heartache she went through.
To this day,her eyes remain empty.
For every time she gets involved with any kind of romantic relationship or interests,it would end in tragedy,as if she was cursed.
And what’s worse,she believed that she is,and knowing that hurts me more than anything else in the world.