I Have Always Been Like ThisWhenI diedon'tbe sadbecausejust knowthis is whatI wanted sinceI was in the 3rdgrade.IRememberI said to my friends"When I die, I will behappy".Theyshooktheir headsand said thatI was wrong andwhen I die I will bescared.YearsHave passedand I look backat that memoryAnd I realize that I wasright.In4th gradeI told my friendOne day I would killmyself, and now I realizethat she didn't believe me;but the thing is, I was notlying.Irememberwhen I learnedwhat suicide wasand ever since I couldn'tget it out of my stupid, fucking,head.In4th gradeI tried to cutmyself on the wristswith some house scissorsalone.Yearslater andmy thighs arecovered in scars fromcutting.TodayI realizedit didn't matterif I didn't know itat the time, but I havenever, ever, in my life beenokay.
You Deserve It AllIsn't it ironicThat the things that we do to make us feel aliveCan kill usAnd how people you just met seem to have features that stick out to youBut when you see the same people every day for years they start to look all the sameAnd people who you just met may just be an average personMaybe you see them as beautifulOr uglyBut as you get to know them their faces begin to match their soulsAnd how names go along with facesAnd then when you meet someone with that name you see their facesHow you could go for monthsor yearsremembering someone's faceAnd then totally forgetBut then someone shows you a picture of them and their face is in your head for quite a whileHow we associate voices with wordsIf you hear their voice and they have an ugly heart you're bound be afraidBut if you hear their voice and they have a kind heart you're bound feel safeBut the craziest of allIn all my years of livingI've found that people can be so kindDespite kindness being a stranger to themA
I Used to Have a ClockI used to have clock on my wallIt ticked quite loudlyReminding me a second had gone by.Every hour it would ring so the whole house could hear.It always scared me.It hung on my wall, reminding me time had passed every night.Until one night the ticks got faster.They would get faster every second and I couldn't stop.I noticed it wasn't the clock, but my mind.So I gave it a few more chances, and it returned to normal.Soon enough, after a few weeks the ticking got faster once more.Then it stopped. I couldn't move.So when I could, the ticks continued.And so I threw out the clock.Because I didn't need a reminder that I was going insane hanging on my wall.
--[My Moon My Man][Feist]