So... I gotta level with you guys. Any of you who are still watching intently or even care. This is mostly gonna be rant journal, but its going to be very hard to write, because these are things that are quite personal and... Well I have a hard time letting people in. Any ways lemme start by saying this...
I'm not happy.
I have high functioning depression.
What that means is I can look and act totally fine, act like,my goofy wierd self.
But that's all it is. An act. A façade put on so that I don't burden those that I care about with even more baggage.
I know what most of you are thinking. "Why Ciro, why don't you just talk with us or your family about it," or "Ciro, you should really see a shrink if you're feeling this way."
That's all well and good. But that's also really naive of you to say. Do any of you really wanna hear what I'm really thinking or feeling? Do you really wanna listen to all of the dark shit in my head, the self destructive malarchy that I believe? History has dictated that that answer is no. And I have fewer friends because of it. Do you have any idea what it's like when you're told that and when you do open up, you're either ignored or told to keep it to yourself or, my personal favorite, told to die quietly so that everyone else can get on in peace?
If you have, then you are few forgotten souls in this indifferent society and you have my sympathies.
So yeah, I usually don't open up. Because despite how wonderful you all are, some of you more than others, you're still just strangers. Faceless strangers on the other side of the globe. With lives of your own. Its none of your business what goes on in mine.
And for those of you who I don't consider strangers or want to not make strangers, please understand that when I message you frequently, I do so because I care. I know it sound superbly selfish, and you're right it is. I hate it. I hate clingy people and its one of the many thing I hate about myself. But when another can look past that and tell me about the things I'm doing right, well... It kinda makes life that much more bearable. And god... That just sounds like some of the most awful shit...
I'm sorry... I really am, I'm really writing down all this as it comes to mind. This is, after all, a rant. But still I'm sure most of you don't care about my feelings and only watched for the good ol' anime gobbly goodness... Well... I've been finding it hard to do that recently.
My creative spark isn't what it was... Actually.. No. That's a lie. It's sharper than it ever has been. It's my motivation that's dying. Much like my motivation for everything else really.
I get these urges to draw or do something great when I'm at work or somewhere else where I can't do what I want, and when I do, it just fizzles. Vanishes into nothing. Then I go back to occupying myself with videogames, YouTube, porn or whatever my mind can get into. Feel like I'm getting the run around from my own mind and I'm getting tired of it. And my current living situation isn't helping.
Penniless, stranded in the middle of nowhere surrounded by loving family that don't really see any use or any importance in your interests and hobbies and instead project their ideals on you, even though these ideals have kept them in the same state as you're in for years. Also there's the fact that I can be homeless in no time flat if certain payments aren't made and with me being the only stable source of income, it kinda sucks that I work a job who intentionally keeps their employees poor in order to force them to work for them. So... Set's kinda the first and last thing on my mind right now.
I just feel like I'm just drifting on until my inevitable end. Call me out on my Bullshit, defend yourselves, call me a crying lil' white privileged first world problem crybaby bitch who should just die, I don't care. Just don't be surprised if I take your advice.
Welp, I've said enough and will probably lose friends and followers in the morning. I'm done. Its 4 a.m. in the morning and I need sleep. If it'll come.