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the Confectioner of Kinks
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I'm sorry. Things have been extremely difficult for me lately, and I just got another curveball thrown my way. Although I'm still fighting, I feel like the effort I can make is waning every day and leaving little over for myself and my artwork.

I figured it was sensible to mention this in case anyone is wondering about the lack of new content starting from a couple weeks from now. I don't enjoy going on hiatuses like this and it feels like my work ought to take higher priority, but even without being overly dramatic, some days I've felt like I'm barely hanging on.

I've got another therapy session set for tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll give me some mental clarity, but I thought it might be best to post about all of this while it's current.

I'm still fighting and doing the best I can, but it's felt far, far harder for me than it has any business being and I'm running chronically low on stamina. I wish I could be stronger than this, but not being given the time I need to heal, and effectively getting kicked while I'm down is hardly conducive to me feeling happy and creative. I genuinely want to get back on the saddle as soon as I can, but I've got a lot on my plate; personally, mentally, emotionally, that I need to deal with.

I might have moments of ease when I might get some stuff done, but until I regain some stability I don't feel like I can make any real promises.

For the time being, I'm really grateful for your patience and continued support. Thank you.

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I just got back from what was meant to be a working vacation for CFz, but things didn't quite work out as planned. I'm feeling good all things considered, but there's a lot to process and as always I don't feel like there's nearly enough time for me to do so in a productive way. I figured that taking some time to comb through those thoughts and feelings might help, even if a little bit. (If you'd like to know what's been going on but lack the time to read through everything, I've included a short summary at the end of the post cause I realize this is quite long) As I mentioned at the time, I caught Covid at the con, which affected me quite badly after I got back to my partner's place. While I didn't have the worst symptoms, having to self-isolate didn't come at the best time. I don't want to risk overstating things, but being left alone with my own thoughts for what was effectively a whole week was really rough on my mental health. I'd just been dropped back into normality from a long weekend full of affirming, comforting experiences where I could be my true self, and that was already hard to deal with by itself. To make matters worse, while I was isolating I also learned that my longer-term plans of living in the UK were somewhat compromised. I've been wanting to spend more time there to be closer to my furry friends and poly partners, and get more of the same affirmation and reassurance that I got from the con into my everyday life. Realizing that it wasn't going to be nearly as easy as I'd anticipated was a shock, to say the least. I've still got to do more research into my exact situation to find out if I have any other options, but from what I've seen it seems I'd need to get a work visa at the very least in order to live there long-term, which means I'd have to get a job. I've never been good at juggling multiple commitments at once - namely school or a full time job, plus doing art on the side - so this course of action would effectively mean changing my job from doing art to whatever I'm lucky enough to even find, let alone get accepted for. To clarify where this exactly led me to, it felt like I had to make a choice between my ideal living situation and my ideal working situation. I've put more thought into things since then and it's perhaps not quite as stark a choice as that, but it still feels like I'm getting closer and closer to being forced to stop working full time on my own art and that's frankly a terrifying prospect. Having it pitted against my other personal needs only makes things worse. Like I said, I still need to conduct some more research into whether I have any alternative options, but the resources I found on the UK Government website make it clear that I'm restricted in what I can do as far as living within the country, especially as a freelance artist. If you have any knowledge or advice on the matter or know someone who can help, I would greatly appreciate it if you could get in touch. In other somewhat related news, progress with transitioning has felt slow, but somewhat steady. Getting to experiment openly at the con did a lot of good for me, and it affirmed (and validated) a lot of my wants and needs in the process. The return trip home was hard on me, but I realized that it was because I felt like I was going back to my "fake life," which I've grown tired of maintaining. As a result, I decided to come out to my parents far earlier than I'd been planning, which I did just yesterday. It went well, and although their reactions were somewhat measured, the experience was positive and they're clearly being as supportive as they can despite having their own hangups and concerns. I also got word back from the gendercare clinic for my endocrinologist's appointment, which I think will involve some initial tests to get me started on HRT. It's in October, so still a little ways off, but I realize this is far and away a quicker turnaround than many trans folks have to deal with. Being still at the very start of my long journey is daunting and frankly quite terrifying, and I'm having to fight against my own consistent lack of stamina in putting up with even the most minor of setbacks and challenges. The constant self doubt and dysphoria certainly don't help either, so it all adds up to what feels like a very arduous process despite having made good strides with starting on things. Next; within the next two months, I'll be moving again. Realizing I'm trans led to me breaking up with one of my partners, who I currently still live with, and while things are thankfully still amicable between us, we knew we'd have to sort out our own living arrangements if we were going to move on in a healthy way. It's happening a little more quickly than I'd anticipated, but I'd rather rip that bandaid off quickly than spending more time and money to maintain a situation which is not that ideal for either of us. I'm going to do my best not to let it get too much in the way of work cause my output has not been great even without these regular disruptions, but I'm not quite out of the woods just yet. This is all to get me to a place where I can do things at my own pace and hopefully maintain my momentum a little better too, so it will be a worthwhile effort. As a brief but related aside; while spending time with my partner and watching some stuff together, I had a moment of agonizing clarity that it's felt like ages since I last had genuine fun while doing my work. It's very much an issue related to (and caused by) all the other things I've been having to deal with in my life lately, but it's also a matter of my own state of mind. I'm not good at being present in the moment, so even when I'm actually achieving what I want and doing good at it, I'm distracted by worries and thoughts about other problems I'm faced with, or will have to deal with later on. It might take time to fix and has affected my work for a while now, but I'm aware of the issue and want to regain that sense of excitement about what I do. I really miss it. In short summary; CFz was great for me, Covid knocked me down from that really hard; I realized that I won't be able to live in the UK as easily as I'd hoped, which was very upsetting to learn (any help and advice is welcome); As a result I'm feeling like I'm getting closer to having to move on from doing furry art full time; I came out to my parents as trans and it went well; I should start HRT around October; I'm moving again starting from next month; and in light of all that, I feel like I've lost my spark while doing what matters most to me - my art. It's been a hell of a lot to take on and very, very confusing to say the least. The constant conflict between maintaining a positive outlook and dealing with the setbacks and doubts has been difficult, especially given that they're issues related to my most closely held wants and needs. I'm trying to keep myself focused on what I can do to get the best outcomes possible, but compromising really isn't easy for me and can often feel like an all-or-nothing decision, even if the alternative is still a fairly good option.

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I have Covid. Caught it at CFz.

Not gonna sugarcoat it but at least the symptoms aren't too bad. Thank goodness for the vaccine.

Wish I could use the time somewhat productively but work will unfortunately be held up for a week or two again, at this rate.


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Figured I'd make a quick post regarding some things that might be going unnoticed in the background as of late. Got a couple of projects still ongoing and between maintaining my mental health and keeping focused on priority tasks, sometimes I can go a little quiet.

I've been in a bit of a low spell recently; I think I was a little overdue for one after being so productive last month, and I'm also still dealing with fallout from the big changes that have come about with my realizing I'm trans. You could call them growing pains, I suppose, but the uncertainty has definitely worn me down. I'm just trying to work my way through it carefully as I can, and continue supporting myself with my art as I figure things out bit by bit.

On that note, The Debauchery Drive has pretty much run its course by now, and I'm happy to say that it's been a resounding success. I really cannot thank everyone enough for their generosity, and I hope the art that will result from it will be worth it. The Donation Page will be up until the 19th next week, when I head up to the UK again to attend CFz. After that, I'll be replacing it with a regular tip jar.

I've been quietly updating the Drive's page as well as my Twitter feed, albeit less quietly, with the illustrations that I've gotten done so far. I plan on uploading them to my other galleries soon. There's another 11 of them I've got queued up to get done from goals that have already been reached, and plenty other goals to be reached besides that. Some of them are close to completion, too!

Here's a handy list of all the categories which are near their next goal:

Chocolate Taur (C2), Goal #1: €60 / 100

Ruby Sex Pet (R2), Goal #2: €170 / 175

Yasmin Stat Mods (Y2), Goal #2: €140 / 175

Isaac Wild Cards (S6), Goal #1: €57 / 85

In other art-related news, I've finally finished my commission queue from last year! I managed to pick up the pace fairly well towards the end, and I hope to keep it that way in future. Please note that I will be updating my prices before reopening, and the next batch will be reserved to my patrons when I'm back from CFz next month. If you'd like to grab a slot, be sure to pledge to my site before then.

And finally, yes; I will be at CFz this year and I hope to see you there too! I will be dealing and taking digital commissions with my brand new work setup, so please come and say hi if you're attending.

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Hi all, it's been a while! Sorry for not mentioning anything about my absence any sooner, but I needed some time to myself given all that's been going on with me in the first short months of the year. I figured it'd be best to share a little update about getting back in the saddle, so you know what's been going on with me at least in retrospect.

Because of some of the recent drastic changes in my life, I've invested in new equipment for a portable work setup. I've always wanted to try having a more nomadic lifestyle, and I'm taking the opportunity now that it's presented itself again. Unfortunately, the laptop I ordered has been held up over and over for the past two months thanks to order fuckups and parts shortages. For now though, I've at least gotten my hands on the most essential part of the kit (which I'll be revealing in tonight's return stream), so I can get a head start on practicing with it until I need it for CFz.

I want to thank everyone who's contributed to the Debauchery Drive, which is still technically ongoing. It's helped me make ends meet after having put down quite a bit of money for work and transition related stuff, and I'll be picking up that project again real soon. There's several more illustrations that have met their goals and I'm looking forward to getting them done for you all.

Further to that, I had my first appointment for gender therapy just yesterday. It was a preliminary checkup to assess the severity of my situation, and what services and help I need to get to where I want to be. Although I went into it feeling optimistic, albeit a little nervous, I was still impressed by how kind and understanding the consultant and therapist were while asking questions and listening to me. The next step is a psych checkup to make sure I'm able to give informed consent for whatever therapy I want to sign up for, but voice training and an endocrinologist appointment for HRT are pretty much already in the pipeline. I'm still nervous and a little apprehensive, but it's very exciting nonetheless.

I'd really like to properly gear up on my artwork again sometime soon, and I've been thinking about a new schedule for online activities like streaming and Discord events, so stay tuned for that. For the time being I'll just be resuming streaming sessions at my usual time tonight, and I hope to see you there.

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