I wish people would take the time to try to understand me and where I am coming from. I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't think I'm ugly. More plain than ugly. I just dont see how people can just... throw me away like a piece of trash. Like I'm not worth even the shirt on my back. I love deeply, and hurt easily, and I am sometimes too quick to trust, but... I never thought of those as faults until recently. As much as I have been hurt, you'd think I would lock my heart away forever, but I just can't. Love is the ONE thing that I have always wanted. I go to sleep at night dreaming that I am being held close by someone. I wake up, and wish I was still dreaming. I always thought by now I'd be with my soulmate. I thought for sure I'd be on my first kid. I just knew I'd be married, or as close to married as a lesbian can be. I was certain that every night, I would be kissed softly, and told that I was loved more than anything, with arms wrapped around me. Of course, I never expected it to be perfect... But I expected the love to be there. I feel like every day I am wasting more and more away. My hope and faith are dying, along with my body, slowly. It hurts so very bad. I want nothing more than to look up at the sun and feel god's presance telling me that it's not so bad, that everything will be ok, but all I feel is emptiness... A cold wind on my cheeks reaffirming my loneliness. It feels like I have nothing. No hope, no faith, like everyone is turning their backs on me, even though I KNOW they aren't. It just feels like they don't understand, and that they can't. I no longer pray for love. I pray for an end to my suffering. How will that come? By death, by love, or by me no longer caring at all? Will i finally ever find peace?
Why is it wrong to want to die? I know that people say that suicide is selfish. That is leave behind broken families and hurt friends. But isn't it also selfish to ask someone to live just so you can be happy? And even then, be happy in that person's misery? People say that death is never the right way, but how do we know that for sure? How can we even say that when we do not feel that person's pain. We don't know how bad grandma is hurting in her last stage of cancer. We don't know how alone that gay teen is as he's being beaten in the locker room. We can't feel the pain of a broken heart of a mother who has lost her only child. Why is it ok for us to be sefish, and force people to live a life that even we would not want to live? Why is it a sin for them to end it all. To seek peace in death? The dead feel no pain, no loneliness, no longing. Why is it wrong for someone so unhappy to want death to seek it out to end their suffering? The answer we like to give is always the same. "It won't be like that forever." but in all honesty, we don't know that. We say that so we can continue to ahve that person in our lives, despite their misery. To me, that seems more selfish than suicide.
Reading: The Serial Killer Files
Watching: Apartment 1303
Playing: Viva Pinata
Eating: Nothing. food makes me sick at the moment