Jim sighed to himself, cleaning the blood from his legs; he had to run himself a bath instead of having a shower his legs far too sore for him to stand for too long. He hated everything about himself, and he only found joy when he took a blade to his flesh; the pain made him ignore those criticising thoughts, those were coming back now though, despite the stinging sensation in his thighs.
They always reminded him that he was an awful guitarist, untrained and clumsy; how most of the time he had to quickly improvise and try to get the notes right. But, he always knew in the looks he got from the band that he should focus on playing things right and to the note; the only person who didn't acknowledge it was the one person he wanted attention from, Mick.
He was so stupid though, lost in his foolish fantasies; he would never have a chance with Mick, even if the younger man was remotely interested in guys, which he wasn't, and Jim knew that more than anything. He saw the girls, and how Mick was so interested in them, and he always felt himself being pushed to the side, even when he went to Mick to ask about help with playing more controlled; the bigger man would shrug and mutter 'later' before disappearing with a woman.
Jim was far too ugly for Mick to even give him a second glance, and that's all he ever saw in himself; matted and messy curls that frustrated him to no end, the only reason he let his hair grow out was because Mick said that he looked better with longer hair. But now that his grey's were showing, Jim wanted rid of it.
It was getting so hard for him to put on a smile, he was only ever truly happy when he stood on that stage and played, lost in the cheering fans and the music; once he was off stage though, his brain began criticising his performance, and how he could do so much better if he just focused.
Jim forced himself out of the bath, slowly and carefully drying his flesh, taking extra care around the new cuts; even those made himself sick, the old scars, new scars and fresh cuts, how puffy and red his skin turned from the abuse. There was no way out though, and one thing he wouldn't admit, he let himself indulge in drugs again, just as another escape, and when he wasn't cutting or getting high, he was drinking himself into oblivion.
He had to wonder how no-one noticed, no-one in Slipknot and no-one in Stone Sour; he was in such an endless cycle and he just wanted someone to sweep him off his feet and save him from drowning beneath everything.
Feeling angrier than ever, Jim found out some scissors, he grabbed as much of his hair as he could and cut, watching himself in the mirror; his eyes were red from crying and he never felt more disgusting. A knock on the door made him drop the scissors and his hair, but he still didn't care as those locks fell to the ground, "Hold on!"
Jim left the bathroom, he quickly pulled on a pair of boxers, some baggy pants and a baggy sweatshirt, wanting to hide his flesh as much as he could; he went to the door and opened it up, raising an eyebrow at the sight of Mick, "Jim," Mick stepped forward and Jim automatically took a step back, "Your hair."
"It was annoying me," Jim shrugged, avoiding eye contact with Mick; he knew if those blue eyes caught his own, he'd feel even more guilty about everything, "What do you want?"
"What? No." Jim huffed, going back into his hotel room and plopping down onto the bed; he sighed when he heard the door close, hoping that Mick had gone away.
"Then why are you eyes red?"
"Because I was crying. Can you go now?"
Mick sighed heavily, "Why?"
"I want some time alone."
"I meant, why were you crying?" Mick walked over and he looked down at Jim, "Don't lie to me either."
"Because I'm a fucking idiot, okay? I screw up. Now will you please leave?!"
"No. I'm your friend and I wanna help you. Let me fix your hair."
Jim closed his eyes and groaned, "Fine."
"Okay, good. Where are the scissors?"
Mick then went into the bathroom, he picked up Jim's hair and put it into the bin, raising an eyebrow at the drops of blood on the floor and on the side of the bath; he grabbed the scissors then headed into the room again, "Jim, there's blood-"
"Nosebleed," Jim moved, sitting up so that Mick could sit behind him and tidy up his hair; Mick bit his lip but walked over anyway, he grabbed the bin that was beside the bedside table then seated himself behind Jim, slowly, he cut away the uneven parts, tidying up Jim's hair as much as possible, "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I care about you. And you have nice hair, you don't need it growing unevenly. I still can't believe you cut it though..." Mick put the bin back then placed scissors on the bedside table, chewing the inside of his lip when he saw a razor blade, "What have you done?"
"Huh?" Jim turned around, "What do you mean?"
Mick picked up the blade, he saw all the colour drain from Jim then he put it back down and moved over to his friend, "Show me."
"Not at all-"
"I am! I'm a fuck up, and ugly and fat and...I hate it, I hate everything. I don't wanna be in this body. I don't want to be at all..."
"People love you, how would they feel if you weren't here? Do you think that we'd be okay? The band wouldn't be able to function without you. Your parents. Even the fans would be heartbroken. You should have nothing to hate. I'd love to look like you."
Jim sniffed, but he knew Mick was being honest and then he had to wonder why Mick would want to change anything about his appearance, "There's nothing wrong with you."
"That doesn't mean that I don't look at myself with no self-loathing. I don't think anyone could be one hundred percent happy with themselves, no-one is perfect and they're always gonna see something and think 'I hate that' but other people won't see it. And they'll have someone who looks at them, and knows that there is flaws, but sees that person as being perfect, if we didn't have differences, and flaws, then it would be so boring. To point it out to a person and say, 'I love that about you', it's acceptance Jim."
"But...No-one accepts me. I don't get anyone fawning over me."
"Maybe they're too afraid to say anything," Mick smiled softly, "Let me point out what I see, in you. You're definitely not fat, so I don't know where you get that idea. You're guitar playing is fantastic, I'd love to play as freely as you, that's why I always ignore when you ask me to teach you. I don't want you to lose your unique ability, I love when you improvise live, it's so much better, and I wish you recorded like that, without a care in the world. I know you focus on the music, and sure, the improvising works better with Stone Sour, but I'd never be able to stay in line if you weren't like that for us. I back you up Jim, I think it sounds better. Plus, it's a better experience for the fans, and they love it. The only time you're ugly is when you're sulking, I like to see you, talking about music or your guitars and whatever, you light up and it's so much better than the face you make when we finish a show," He shifted closer to Jim, "One thing though. You have a pretty big nose."
Jim whined and put his hand over his nose, "Meanie."
"But, it suits you. I couldn't imagine you with any other type, it would look too weird," Mick laughed and Jim finally cracked a smile, moving his hand down, "Just you wait, someone will see how special you are. Then you can stop drinking, getting high and, the cutting..."
Jim felt low again, "I thought no-one noticed."
"I did. I know what you're like, and I know when I see a difference in your demeanour. The drugs aren't good for you, neither is the drinking. I didn't know about the cutting until now, but that's not good either, you shouldn't ruin your skin. Even if you're unhappy in it, that doesn't mean that every single person who looks at you will think the same. Someone will look and think 'God, he's beautiful, I wish I could snatch him up' so you need to keep your skin safe."
"No-one would tell me that."
Mick looked at Jim, "I just did. I'm not telling you that as a push either. Of course I don't want you to continue the way you're going. But I'm being honest."
"I'm not beautiful."
"You don't see it, did you have your glasses on when you looked? Because I don't need glasses, my vision is perfect. Maybe you were blinded by the tears too? You need to think about these things."
"You're ridiculous, Mick." Jim felt a little uncomfortable and embarrassed; he didn't deserve this attention off Mick while he was such a mess...He didn't think he deserved it at all.
Mick shrugged, "To you. And to me, I'm just...I'm in love. And it may blind me at times, but I refuse to let up when it comes to keeping that person happy. Even if he doesn't see it, I will, and I'll lend my eyes to him...I'll always remind him of how gorgeous he is,"
Jim blinked, completely in shock, his mind was racing and he suddenly remembered everything Mick had ever said to him. "Great show James, you did an amazing job. Should let me prove myself sometimes though!" "Love the hair, you should keep it long, it suits you." "Hey handsome, you've got an admirer over there." "Could you put a shirt on? I'm feeling a little jealous of your muscles." "I hope someone tells you your gorgeous, every day, and if not, remind me to do it." "Ugh, look at your eyes, they're so shiny." "Wow, I get to share a room with the hottest guy ever, I may die from heat exposure." "Would you stop slouching? You have a great body, show it off! Especially those long legs, stop hiding away." "Jim, will you play for me? Oh, sing too! I love your voice." "Wow, James, love the new jeans. Really show off your great ass." Everything ran around his head and he began to feel dazed, things he hadn't even known he'd heard, too deep within his own self-hate to even notice that someone was giving him attention, right from the very source he wanted it from.
There was once when Jim was in focus though, when Corey asked if someone didn't mind sharing, and Jim remember exactly what Mick's response was, "I'll share with Jim. Great view." When it happened, he shrugged it off since no-one else seemed to pay any attention to it; but now it made so much sense. He did remember getting a compliment every day though, and now his fall seemed so pathetic.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so blunt," Mick got up, "Um. Have a good evening Jim, and sleep well." Before Mick could walk away, Jim pulled him down, straight into a mind-blowing deep kiss; Mick's stomach flipped when Jim opened his mouth and allowed their tongues to meet.
They let themselves get lost in each other, taken by their mutual love; Jim reluctantly broke the kiss, smiling up at Mick, "I love you, Mickael. You can be as blunt as you want to be."
"Really?" Mick smiled and Jim nodded, "Good!"
Jim took Mick's hands in his own, "C'mere, sit back down."
"Okay," Mick squeezed Jim's hands, letting one go so he could sit beside him, "Will you show me what you did? I wanna make sure that you're okay."
"I'm fine. I don't want you to see...It was a stupid mistake."
"Ever?" Mick frowned softly, "How long did you see it as a mistake for though?"
"Not forever, when the marks fade, maybe," Jim sighed a little, "I didn't see them as a mistake, but now I do. I was such an idiot."
Mick kissed Jim's cheek, "Let me kiss them better?" He wanted to see what Jim had done, just to make sure he hadn't gone too far; he needed to know that Jim would heal fine physically so then he could focus on the mental side.
"Do you ever give up?" Jim chuckled, nuzzling into Mick's neck, "Maybe you should..." His hands automatically rested on his thighs, he wanted to be confident with Mick; but right now, the way he looked was terrifying to himself so he couldn't imagine Mick seeing what he'd done, not until he was healed.
"No. Not with you." Mick hugged Jim close; he hoped that Jim would give in, all he wanted to do was care for the older-man and protect him forever.
Jim shook his head, "You're insane. But thank you." He smiled up at Mick, as much as he wanted to open up fully, he couldn't right now.
"So?" Mick pressed; he didn't want to push Jim into a decision, but if it was bad then he could find out a first-aid kit and be helpful for once. He wasn't stupid enough not to know that his compliments hadn't got through to Jim.
Jim sighed softly, "I dunno," He shook his head, "I want to, just not now. I wanna heal a little."
"Okay," Mick nodded, he moved back a little, pulling Jim into his lap, "As long as you're sure that you cleaned up enough. I don't want you getting an infection."
"I did, I promise," Jim smiled again, "Thank you for worrying."
Mick smiled, he pressed a kiss to Jim's neck, hugging him close, "I love you." Jim hummed, he softly kissed Mick's lips, enjoying the way that Mick easily got control of the kiss; he shifted slightly, a little shocked when he felt Mick hard beneath him. It excited him though, knowing that he could turn Mick on without really trying; he moved his hands to Mick's hair and deepened the kiss, rocking his hips slightly.
Mick groaned against Jim's lips, his hands going to the older-man's ass and gripping on as their tongues began to meld together. After a short while, their breathlessness became too much, and with Jim basically humping Mick through their clothes, the bigger man pulled away; he didn't want to take advantage of Jim while his mind was muddled, he wanted Jim to feel comfortable being naked around him.
Mick carefully picked Jim up and laid him on the bed, getting up and smiling softly, "I'll be right back." He headed to the bathroom; Jim sighed happily and laid back, he could feel that his own cock was hard and he suddenly wanted Mick. Jim got off the bed, he cautiously pulled his sweater off, nervously running his hands over his stomach; he remembered what Mick had said and bit his lip. Jim noticed his weight-loss, running a finger over his ribs that were beginning to show, he hated it; his mind travelled back to Mick though.
Jim had felt how big the man was, Mick's erection had been pressing firmly against Jim's ass and he knew he wanted Mick; he needed to feel that love. He tentatively removed his baggy pants, stepping out of them then running his hands over all the cuts and scars on his thighs; that was what he thought was most disgusting about himself, what he had done.
The tall-man sighed then got on the bed, laying down and gently palming his own erection through his boxers; he remembered all those times that Mick had unknowingly turned him on to the point where he was aching. Jim had pretended what Mick would do, one hand around his cock and one on his throat, just there as a reminder, and when he got close, Mick would deny him, leaning over to nip at his ear and whisper that he needed to beg; then he release would come, that hand pressing down on his air-supply and making his release all the more sweeter.
Jim shook his head, ignoring those thoughts, he knew what Mick was like; he probably wouldn't want to engage in that. But Jim did, and he found his hand sliding into his boxers, stroking his cock while he wiggled softly; he heard a soft grunt from the bathroom and he wondered if Mick was doing the same thing that he was, that made him tighten his grip and give whimper, "Mick!"
When Mick heard Jim yell his name, he felt flushed, he fixed his boxers and pants then walked back into the room, his jaw dropping when he saw Jim laying there, pleasuring himself and wiggling against the bed; he walked over, set in a trance by what he saw, stripping as he got closer and closer. Soon, he was crawling onto the bed, his hand covering Jim's as he leaned over to kiss him, "Can I love you, James?" He brushed their lips together, his own cock perking up more.
"Please," Jim whimpered, "Please, Mickael." He was shaking now, desperate to avoid Mick's gaze but enjoying the attention at the same time; he felt both of Mick's hands envelope each of his wrists, and he almost went dizzy when Mick pinned them above his head, he could cum without Mick doing anything else at this point, it was such a turn on to know that Mick was dominating.
Jim always had loved being a bottom, and even though he couldn't stop his shaking as Mick removed his boxers, he knew he wanted this; he smiled softly when Mick began kissing his neck, he watched through hazy vision as Mick lubed up his fingers with his own saliva.
He felt himself instantly relax when one finger pressed to his entrance, he welcomed the feeling; Mick thrusting and wiggling his finger to stretch him was the best thing he'd ever experienced, and the look on Mick's face amazed him, "Are you sure?" Mick asked as he pushed another finger into Jim, stretching him more; he'd saw the scars when he was removing Jim's boxers, the fresh cuts had made him more upset than the scars, and he was afraid of going too far and hurting Jim.
"God, yes," Jim breathed, his entire body tingling; when he felt the third finger breach him, he was sure that he was going to lose control. His hips moved with the way that Mick thrust his fingers, the scissoring only turning Jim on more, "Fuck me."
Mick carefully removed his fingers, the fear consumed him again when he realised that he had no lube, or a condom, "No condom..." He muttered, he felt like an idiot now; he wanted Jim more than anything, "Or lube."
Jim pulled himself up, he spat in his own hands then began stroking Mick, smirking at the moans that came from Mick's lips; he kissed the other guitarist softly, stroking him until he began leaking, then he lubed him up with the pre-cum as well as his own spit. Jim soon laid back down, spreading his legs and enticing Mick to follow.
Mick's insides somersaulted, making him feel breathless for a moment before he took his cock in one hand and Jim's side in the other; he slowly penetrated him, groaning at the tight heat that began to envelope his length. Jim moaned too, his hands going to Mick's hair then pulling him into a kiss; it helped him relax more and it distracted him from the feeling of Mick's cock stretching him more than the fingers had.
He didn't care about a condom, but he slightly wished they had lube, just to make it a little easier for his entrance to allow Mick inside; he soon pulled at Mick's hair, feeling his cock instantly resting against his prostate. Mick was shocked that Jim could easily take his full length, he melted into the kiss though, letting Jim get used to him; once he was sure that Jim was comfortable, he began thrusting, gently holding onto Jim's sides.
Jim broke the kiss as he gasped at the initial feeling, it had been a long while since someone had been inside him; moans soon began spilling from his lips. He rolled his hips to Mick's thrusts, gripping tightly onto the man's black locks; he already felt dizzy from what they were doing, his stomach filling with a tingly feeling, like butterflies.
Mick moved his hands to Jim's face, kissing Jim again as he quickened his pace; Jim let his tongue meld with Mick's, his legs wrapping around Mick's waist. They both quickened their pace, groaning into the kiss; they reluctantly broke it to breathe, and their eyes met.
They continued moving together, their pace equal and steady; both of them were captivated by each other and Mick leaned down to softly kiss Jim's lips, thrusting deeper as he did. Jim felt like he could be attached to Mick forever and still want more, even though their lust was strong and more than noticeable, their love broke through; soft kisses and looks that drove them both crazy.
Mick quickened his pace a little more, both of their groans filling the air; Jim gasped when Mick's cock brushed passed his prostate, and as he felt soft bites on his neck, everything felt so right to him. Having Mick and doing this, with someone he truly loved; he hoped that Mick would continue to stick by him.
As Jim moved his hips with Mick's quick thrusts, his mind became more hazy, enjoying every second of their intimacy; he breathed deeply as Mick's lips found the soft-spot on his neck, and he groaned louder as Mick nibbled softly. He gasped as another perfect hit came to his prostate, his cock beginning to leak; just their closeness could have sent him over, and as Mick thrust a little harder, Jim managed to squeak out a soft 'I love you'.
Mick pulled away from Jim's neck a little, pressing a soft kiss to his ear, "I love you too," He muttered, a deep groan being pulled from his throat as Jim's walls tightened more around his length; his own cock was leaking more, and he just wanted to find the edge, to make Jim his.
Jim's groans turned into soft cries as Mick's cock continued to hit perfectly into his prostate; he felt Mick's strong warm calloused fingers curling around his length and pumping him to the pace they had. He was leaking more, his climax bubbling away as their movements became a little more rushed; both of them needed release, that was obvious, their nerve endings heightening as they continued to move together.
Mick tightened his grip a little, he knew that both of them close; he bucked his hips groaning deeply as Jim cried out, his load shooting over Mick's hand and their abdomens. Mick thrust a few more times, Jim's tight walls sending him over the edge with a loud groan; the two moved together a little more, riding their high out.
Slowly, they settled together, Mick carefully pulling out of Jim and then snuggling up against him; Jim curled into Mick, their eyes meeting as they tried to regulate their breathing. Mick brushed away some sweat from Jim's forehead, brushing their noses together, "I love you, James." He breathed, not caring how many times he said it, it would never be enough for him.
"I love you too, Mickael," Jim smiled softly, pecking Mick's lips then nuzzling his head into Mick's neck, "You wanna clean or sleep?" He was worn out but not really sleepy yet and he knew they could both do with a bath, they were sweaty and smelled of sex, not that he minded the smell much.
Mick wasn't tired either but at the same time, he didn't really want to move; he was comfortable laying like this with Jim, "Clean, I guess," He sighed softly, "We gotta move though." He shifted slightly, still reluctant to move away from Jim.
"I know," Jim kissed Mick's cheek, "But we get to cuddle together in the bath, and we have all night together too!" He smiled, slowly rolling away from Mick and getting off the bed; he grabbed his boxers then headed into the bathroom. Jim turned on the faucets, letting the water warm up a little then he put the plug in; he dumped his boxers on the toilet seat, smiling when Mick finally walked into the room.
Mick dropped his own boxers next to Jim's then went and hugged the taller man, "You're mine now, aren't you?" He wasn't worried about Jim not wanting him, he was afraid that Jim would think that he didn't want a relationship.
"Of course," Jim chuckled, "Excluding the amazing...No, perfect sex. You're wonderful, and I love you. I wouldn't settle for anyone else," He kissed Mick's cheek, "That's why I never...Even though I saw you with all those women."
Mick pulled away in surprise, "Idiot. Nothing happened, it was just for appearances...If I knew it was hurting you more, I would never. I only want to make you happy."
"You do make me happy," Jim smiled, he turned to the bath and shut off the faucets, "When you send three magic words, you made me happy for a lifetime. As long as you never leave me, no matter what."
Mick grinned, "I'll always be here for you," He stepped into the bath then sat down, "If I went first, I'd haunt you. Now come on," Jim shook his head but got in the bath anyway, relaxing back against Mick, "You don't need to go thinking about me leaving you. I wouldn't do it willingly."
"Me either Mick. I love you too much for that," Jim chuckled and Mick rose an eyebrow, "We're really soppy together, huh? Especially you! I never had you down as a softie."
Mick hummed and kissed Jim's neck, "I'm going to learn everything about you, and show you that I'm not soft, at all."
"If it's anything like what you just did. I'll be very sure that you're not soft," Jim shifted a little, "Now hush, we should get clean before we turn into prunes."
~ ~ ~
After a good soak, the couple dried and each put their boxers on; they felt more relaxed and their tiredness was coming back. Jim couldn't help but clean up a little, putting Mick's clothes in a neat pile near the bed, "You're so picky," Mick shook his head and got into the bed, Jim pouted but joined Mick anyway, "It's a good thing."
"Sure," Jim rolled his eyes, he cuddled into Mick, "Thank you." He smiled as he drank in the company he had.
Mick looked at Jim, smiling then kissing Jim's head, "For what?"
"Being here. Loving me," Jim looked up at Mick and gently kissed his lips, "Thinking that I'm okay."
Mick nuzzled Jim, "You're not okay. You're beautiful...Perfect," He smiled more, "And I'm so grateful that you're mine. If I knew sooner that you felt the same about me. I would have done something a lot sooner...I should have done something sooner anyway."
"It's alright," Jim shrugged, "You've been complimenting me, but I never listened...I don't think I would have heard you if you said something sooner. I'm glad you did it now, while I was actually listening, and thinking. Please don't ever blame yourself for what I did, I should have opened my ears. I was just so afraid of you finding out how I felt, that I shut myself away and I was actually a little happy that you had those women around you. Because, you had someone to keep you happy and that's all that I wanted."
Mick smiled, "Okay then. And now, it's my turn to keep you happy. I'll always make sure that you're happy."
"And I'll make sure that you're always happy too," Jim yawned, snuggling back into Mick, "I love you. Goodnight..."
Mick watched Jim as those brown eyes slid shut, he let his own close and got comfortable, hugging Jim, "I love you too...Sweet dreams." Before long, they were both sleeping soundly, their dreams filled with the happiness that was bound to come now that they were together.
I've been writing this for a while. And now I finally got it done!
I can't write endings
Happy 500 Deviation's to me!
Warnings: Self-harm; Sexual themes; Nudity; Male-Sex. Mentions of narcotic and alcohol abuse
Disclaimer: ©Mickael 'Mick' Thomson belongs to himself.©
©James 'Jim' Root belongs to himself.©
©Story is mine.©
Happy 500 Deviation's to me!
Warnings: Self-harm; Sexual themes; Nudity; Male-Sex. Mentions of narcotic and alcohol abuse
Disclaimer: ©Mickael 'Mick' Thomson belongs to himself.©
©James 'Jim' Root belongs to himself.©
©Story is mine.©