There is nothing like a long hiatus from everything you love because your mind is mired in so much crap that you can't even think about lifting a pencil to sketch. To draw. To write. To scribble. To doodle.
I think I've hit a wall that I can't climb by myself. I look up to see if there's a way to scale it. It goes on forever. I look to the sides to see if I can skirt around it. Each side goes into the distance and disappears in the fog. I yell out to see if there is anyone on the other side who can hear me... anyone who might be able to help me break through. Silence echoes back to my ears.
So I turn around and sit up against the wall to think. What can I do? I feel the wall against my back and somehow, it feels... Warm. Comforting. Solid. Almost like a lover's caress, I lean my head into it and close my eyes with a heavy sigh. Heavy. Yes, that's what I feel... Weighted down with all my baggage. Sluggish from my pain. Trudging unsuccessfully through the swamps of my past that I never have dealt with.
I know it's Stagnation. I know it's Depression. I know it's Fear.
And yet, knowing all of this... it lulls me into complacency. It sings to me of catatonic comfort. It hums softly into my heart and soul... deadening my feelings to the point where nothing touches me anymore. The silent lullaby of "just stay here and everything can't hurt you because it will all pass you by and leave you alone."
You son of a bitch.
I almost fell for it. You almost had me so hypnotized that I became a statue of anguish.
I stand up, my legs shaky from not standing on my own for so long. I press my hands against the wall. Balling them into fists, I hit it repeatedly and finally let the tears flow. My screams are long and loud... plaintive and wailing.
I KNOW you are there! I finally understand...
I acknowledge you. All my pain. All my torment. All my fears. All my past. You are a part of me.
But you do NOT control me.
So I went to see someone. They are helping me. I will not break you down... I don't think that was truly ever an option.
But with their help, I can finally make a door.
Just... don't crumble yet. Just don't fall. Because I need you. Yes. I NEED you.
Because the Wall.