I don't want to die... but I think it was a mistake that I was created.
After looking back at 11 years of Catboy at the Con and other artwork I just remember what my father said to me the first time I showed him my drawings as a kid.
"You will never get anywhere with those."
And you know what? He was right. I am still that loser kid that is thinking that in just a short 5 years I will be working for some big company... or have my own tv show... or something stupid like that.
I don't know what to do anymore. I love my characters... but I don't think that I can stand myself anymore.
What is wrong with me?
Am I just some fucking loser?
Am I lying to myself when I think... yep tomorrow will be great? or better? or good? or whatever?
Am I lying to myself when I think I deserve that next breath of air?
Am I lying to myself when I think maybe I should just give it all up?
I don't know.
But I hate liars.
I won't park in our rear parking lot because those bastards will probably just smash into my car and drive away like it was no big deal.
I'm tired of this.
As soon as we can I am gonna move my wife and I to a better neighborhood. So we can leave those MF's to live in their crackhouse!
I am trying to hold onto that. I really am. The man he was... and not the man he is now. Because the man he is now is not my grandfather.
Now I am told that we should not accept contact from certain members of the family... I found out why and I will not get into that here but to hear that about two of my family that the last time I saw them they were considered the kids to hang around with.
Sickness does it as well. Been sick for a while and felt like I am not doing anything... which when your sick you are not to do anything and just relax. However with the way I think... I have to do something...
I broke down a couple weeks ago in front of my wife. I broke down because I knew of everything that I had to do... all my chores... it weighed me down and for a moment I couldn't breathe thinking about it.
My wife held me and told me to not think about it. Told me that I needed to calm down.
It is hard for me to do so. I know I have dishes to do. I have things to clean. I need to reorganize the closet so that we can get to it without things falling... I need to clean the bedroom because it looks dirty to me and I need to clean it. I need to do more artwork or people will think I am lazy... I need to keep up the website because if I don't people will think I am lazy. I need to do so many things because I need to do them in my mind....
I don't know how to relax anymore... I have to learn how to do that again... cause even when I am laying in bed... trying to sleep... I think of all the time I am wasting sleeping when I could be doing other things...
I am sorry that I wrote so much but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I have Facebook but I didn't want to post this there. I hate thinking that people will need to tip toe around me to make me happy or see me as a crazy person.
thank you for listening.
Today I got up thinking that today would be alright. I have had a stressful week... a sorta stressful last night and now I was going back to work.
That was until I noticed that my outside storage shed looked a bit weird... weird as in my rockband drum set was sitting outside as well as some cups. I found that we had been broken into again... I don't know if anything was taken but it has shaken me quite a bit. I called into work and let them know that I may not be coming in today due to this as I am going to have to find a local storage place to store the stuff.
I found my storage place and got a good work out from moving the boxes and everything that was in storage.
I just feel like someone saw me naked. Violated my space and my ability to feel safe in this community.
When we can move to a new place I will feel so much better... one where the crime rate is down alot more.
I don't want to put any pressure on Jen because I love her but I also didn't want her to see me like this. I am pissed... very very very pissed. So now I am just trying to keep my mind off of what happened. I have kept the broken latch... yes the lock was down right impregnible but the latch was stressed until it was cut. lovely.
After emptying the storage shed I used some screws to secure the door since I do not want it flapping in the air like the other doors used to. I then came inside and did some housework. Mostly did this because if I stop and think about it then I start getting dark thoughts... like taking some of my swords... suiting up... and going out and start cutting the heads of gang members.
See just went dark there. So I am working on getting the house all spruced up. At work I would not be doing that... I would be thinking about the person I was helping and if they were worth their weight in salt or if they knew the god damned person that broke into my storage.See again went dark there. It is time for me to go back and continue some work. Have a good day.
It just won't turn over. I am just kinda pissed
So to all you you out there that are looking for a comic tomorrow... sorry. I just don't feel happy enough to draw.
if you can help please give to the link www.paypal.com/us/cgi-bin/webs…
we are in our own place now...
This means that I have to start the comic again...