Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
×
Hey, I been drawing birds a lot. Anyone have any photos of thier birdies they don't mind me drawing? Parrots, finches, chickens, etc. Any feathered babies. Lemme know if ya do! If I select your birdie to draw I'll post it here on DA and link back to you! I'll also send you the full rez scan as well for you to post where you want to show off your birdie's art.

Note, I may also end up uploading it to my Second Life shop so do know that I'll be selling the art as a digital good on the SL grid, so make sure you're cool with that first.
So, as some of you may have noticed, I kinda went poof again. My computer died, again.

I build 'em, I keep 'em clean and everything should remain in perfect working order. I do hardware checks on the regular, still they go kaput on me, and this one did it after only a few months. I've replaced the motherboard but my cooling pump apparently died due to being unused. . .so gotta replace that now. I'm borrowing my fiance's computer for now since the net is kinda my main means of social interaction due to my health keeping my home bound most the time, so yeah. This was most certainly not an absence I willingly took. Hopefully I can get my rig going again soon without Murphy's Law interfering anymore.
OC Poster with Landscape [Closed] by pillowglitch

Seriously, an adorable style and great quality. Even if you don't commission pillowglitch at least give her gallery a good look through!
Friend: "How come you have injured hands and haven't drawn in forever but you still do better than me?"

Me: "How long do you take on each picture?"

Friend: "About 15 minutes or something like that."

Me: "None of mine take less than an hour. Patience is a virtue for a reason."

Seriously, if you're not happy with how your art is coming out, slow down, take your time, sketch light at first so you can make corrections and don't use anything you can't erase until you're happy with the lines. You'd be surprised how much taking your time can help make your art better! My little practice works I've been doing, the small ones take over an hour and even they are sub-par in quality. Some good art pieces I've seen have taken days, even weeks or more to complete. Don't feel like you have to finish it all in one sitting or rush, you'll feel a lot better about the result if you take your time and even take breaks if you need to. My 3D work even takes 4+ hours and that's just the basics of it.

Art takes time in many cases, don't be afraid to slow down.
Alrighty, 3D icon point commissions are open. In celebration of me having my new computer up and running well I am opening up 5 slots for 30 points each. The normal cost would be 45 points but I'm very very happy about my computer working again.

For 30 points you will get a 200x200 high quality 3D icon with a 2D background in the style of your choice. You will also get $10 off 1 future 3D commission you order from me in the future. You will have full rights to the end product to use where and how you wish. Only right I will retain will be the right to post the art since I did make it and I like to show off my work plus it serves as an example of what I do.

All human characters are an instant yes, if you wish to order an icon of an anthro or other non-human character please note me first to see if your design is doable as I am limited in the resources I have for some anthro and non-human designs. (Noting me will reserve a spot for you)

So yeah, if you're interested shoot me a note. First come first serve of course.

Slots:

1: GypsySoulx
2:
3:
4:
5:
OK, It's silly but I actually have a pokemon picture wish list. If anyone happens to find art that matches these, feel free to link me to them. Otherwise, feel free to laugh at the near-30 guy who still finds pokemon to be insanely adorable. . .mostly the bird pokemon.

The art wish list:
-Pidgey nesting on Pokeballs like they're her eggs.
-Piplup having a bath in a sink/tub
-Groggy Onyx
-Swellow snuggling
-Excited, happy Fletchling/Fletchender
-Strutting Murcrow
-Lap-Snek Ekans
-Toucannon doesn't wanna go to bed!
-Chatot has claimed item as it's own, as parrots often do. ("MINE!")
Did not realize polls were a core only thing. Seems I need to try to get myself core membership next month so I can use polls again, since polls have proven to be extremely useful in the past.
Alright so, who would be interested if I opened up point commissions for icons? 200x200 square 3D headshots of your OCs? Along with a 2D background, though I can knock off 5 points if you just want a transparent background. I can do human and some creatures/anthros.

Also, what do you think would be a good price? I'm thinking about 40 points considering it is gonna be 3D. That's a 200x200 high quality 3D render for less than half a buck after all.

I would add a little extra for some things, such as complex markings or tattoos but about 40-50 would be the average cost. Would anyone be interested in this?

OH! You would also have full rights to do WHATEVER you wanted with the image provided without credit so long as you own the character being rendered.
Kinda dealing with a conflict here. One of my housemates bought me a Cajun blackening season blend, since he knows I'm Cajun and enjoy cooking.

On the one hand, the thought was nice and I do appreciate it. On the other hand he spent far too much on something we Cajuns don't actually use! We mix our own spice blends the vast majority of the time and I can make similar to what he got for cents on the dollar. If something has the label "Cajun" on it you can bet that, 9 out of 10 times, it's not actually Cajun and they charge a premium because they throw the word Cajun on it. The only time it is likely to actually be Cajun is if it's from a city in central Louisiana, also known as Acadiana. So, if you wanna get actual Cajun stuff, check where it was produced.

So yeah, trying to figure out how to tell him that it was really nice and considerate of him to get it but we don't actually use those pre-made blends and the blend he got wasn't even made in Cajun Country. I woulda much rathered a 2 buck thing of smoked paprika over a 5 buck tiny pouch of some blackening season claiming to be Cajun.
So I stumbled upon this page called DAHub. May not be new to some of you but it's new to me! Anyways, I've found some really good artists through it. It's a get paid for faves, watches and llamas page but it's been paying out. But really I think the best thing is how many good artists and cool people I've found through it. There's some amazing artists asking for watches and faves and, honestly, I'm surprised they need to use the DAHub system to get the watches because some of these artists have blown my mind!

So yeah, if you want to discover some really good artists and make points and possibly friends along the way, check it out. The icon is below.

:icondahub:
I'm pretty sure that, in the past few years, you all noticed that pretty much all my journals were because something was going wrong, me ranting, me depressed and angry. Admittedly a lot of that was due to my situation. Stressful living set ups, one including a horrid landlord and all of them leaving me with almost no money to survive off of after rent was paid. I was also almost completely isolated so I had a lot of time to think and those thoughts typically went to all the hell going wrong. Plus there was the whole finding out just how screwed my health really was and trying to cope with that.

Needless to say, that kind of stuff will fuck up anyone's mood and can slowly start to drive you crazy. Which it was doing to me.

Things have changed for the better, at least the living situation. Where I am now is very low stress, the landlord is an awesome, understanding guy and my rent is just a little over half of what it was. So I'm living with a LOT less stress now. I'm also getting more interaction with people since the others that live here have friends who come over and I get along with them pretty well. So I'm not all cooped up by myself most the time. Problem before was that my health stopped me from going out so I didn't see people much, now that's not an issue, even when I feel all blah there's still others that I see from time to time.

Sure, my health still sucks, there may be some good news about that coming soon but we gotta see how politics play out first. But I'm still struggling with my health a lot. Thankfully, however, I don't have the all the other stress on top of failing health so I'm able to cope with my health a bit better. People will likely notice I am in a better mood most the time and now I can take things as they come instead of it all piling up on me.

Overall, it seems things are getting better.
My PTSD has been bad, really fucking bad. It's the same thoughts, the same memories over and over again and sadly, it's not something that one can just snap out of and you can only distract yourself from it so long. It's even worse being that the physical pain even reminds me, I can peg exactly what I was subjected to that caused that particular pain and, well, one assoiation is all it takes to throw my mind right back down that rabbit hole.

I had been doing well fighting it and then stress got worse and hasn't let up. Being under greater stress tends to worsen PTSD episodes and can cause a constant, intense state of being triggered, just recovering from the last time you were triggered or trying to fight back a trigger. It has affected my life in a very negative way. Almost anything, a simple conversation, a single word, anything can cause an association chain that leads right back into the past. Not an easy thing to deal with. The last medication I was on was too risky for me to remain on due to it causing tachycardia. What was used to combat the tachycardia made just functioning difficult even with simple day to day things.

I wish I could just get over it, I wish I could just move on but sadly, PTSD doesn't work that way. Telling someone with PTSD to get over it is like telling a diabetic to just not have an issue with sugar, it just doesn't do any good. PTSD also has a nasty tendency to worsen over time and, I fear, that may be what's been happening in my case. I've become easier to trigger, relive the horror of my past every time I try to sleep, which is why I've been pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to try to avoid sleep as much as I can and even my memory is getting screwy because of the constant stress of it all.

I'm going to be trying another medication, seeing if, maybe, I get lucky and don't end up with a horrid side effect or allergic reaction, it's a slim chance and I hate having to rely on pills to function but at this point it's just getting too bad. I'm rather certain these last several months of constantly fighting my PTSD is beginning to drive me mad and I really don't want to find out what will happen to my mental state if this keeps going as it is.

Amazing and frightening how quickly you can go from having a handle on a disorder and then, suddenly, it all falls apart.
I've been MIA a while, yes, and journal to come on that in the near future. But first and foremost, I want you to all remember one big thing. We are all just perfectly flawed.

This song has resonated for me since it came out and, laugh if you will but, I dedicate it to all ya'll, because it takes all sorts to make this world and we shouldn't feel ashamed of being who we are:
 

For the birds. . .seriously, parrot post

Journal Entry: Mon Nov 11, 2013, 2:00 AM
So, you guys know I love my little feathered babies but, even though I never complain about what they do because I adore them so much the bad doesn't bother me any however there are things that pet shops don't tell those who are taking parrots home. I have addressed some of those things here: crazyblindcajun.blogspot.com/2…

  • Watching: Dirty Jobs
  • Drinking: Gold Peak Sweet Tea

Bit of a change, and a wtf.

Journal Entry: Tue Oct 22, 2013, 5:34 AM
Why the hell do I always start sneezing right when I'm getting drunk? Seriously? Why does drunk equate to sneezing with me?

On the plus side though, this is the first time I've drank in about a month and a half. Haven't really had the want to since I've been on Tramadol, makes sense though, I've been saying I'm not addicted to the alcohol, what I'm addicted to is not being in pain.

As for why I'm drinking tonight? For the first time in years it's because I want to, not because I want to escape physical agony. It's nice to be able to get drunk just because you want to and not because it's your only relief.


  • Watching: The Walking Dead
  • Drinking: Bacardi Dragon Berry

Still trying to get my arm seen to

Journal Entry: Sun Oct 6, 2013, 12:43 AM
So, after three separate doctor visits, none of which have done much of anything to help when it comes to my arm, I'm not going to be able to actually get it seen to until the 23rd. . .well, let me put it more truthfully here: I have an appointment with a orthopedic doctor on the 23rd and who knows how the flying fuck much longer it's going to take to actually get the damned nerve seen to after that. I have called around trying to find someone who could take me sooner but to no avail.

In the mean time my arm has worsened severely, there is already permanent damage to the muscle due to muscle wasting even though I'm trying to still use it as much as I can to try to avoid such damage. You might think "Oh well you can regain muscle mass later." NOPE, that's not how muscle wasting works. Once it's gone, that's it. Muscle wasting is different than just losing strength due to not using it, the body sees the non-functioning muscle as a waste of energy and begins breaking it down, damaging the tissue in the process because, as far as the body is concerned, its gone, why keep it healthy? It starts taking from the non-functioning muscle (which is quite different than a simply unused muscle) to use the nutrients elsewhere in the body. That is why muscle wasting is seen as permanent damage and why it is not reversible. There is no being optimistic about this, especially when you know how the body works and just what kind of damage is occurring.

If this had been seen to in a timely manner then the damage wouldn't be so bad but now, because doctors keep bouncing me around and wasting time, it's giving this arm plenty of time to be subjected to damage. It's not that I didn't go to try to get this seen to, I did within a week, it's that I keep getting bounced all over the damned place. I am 25 and because of this bullshit I'm going to have to live the rest of my life with a damaged arm, which may not sound too horrid, I still have another perfectly good arm, right? Not the case, my left arm has had damage to the hand for ten years now, due to the same nerve that got injured in a very different way. This means that I'm going to end up going through the rest of my fucking life with damage to BOTH of my fucking arms. If I was older and had been able to live more of my life before this happened I wouldn't be so pissed about it but the truth is that, this happening at my age is pretty fucking tragic for me. This is affecting me more then the loss of most my vision ever did. When that head injury took a lot of my vision, yes it sucked, yes it was upsetting but I know how to adapt to that and I adapted fast. I don't know how to adapt to a life with both of my fucking arms damaged. I would rather lose what little I have left of my vision than have this damage to my right arm and I am not even fucking joking.

Before I could easily lift a 25 pound weight without much effort at all right over my head with my right arm, now I can't even bring a 5 pound weight to waist level. My control of my right hand is questionable at best because of all this. I normally never drop stuff now I'm dropping stuff left and right. My left hand being messed up, whatever, it's been that way for ten years, I still had my right that worked just fine so I started using that one, but what do I do now that they're both messed up.

Oh, and get a load of this shit! According to one of the nurses I dealt with, doing nothing is a viable option. Wait, what? So I'm in pain, I am having hell just functioning day to day, I'm scared to cook because of the lack of control I have in both my arms, one of which WAS fine before this shit happened, I need help even fucking getting dressed because this nerve issue means I can hardly even fasten a button but yet doing nothing is an acceptable option?!?!? If I hadn't pushed and hadn't put my foot down, I'm fairly certain doing nothing would have been the option they went with if I left it up to them. Then one of the doctors looked me right in the eye and told me "Oh it'll get better." Really now? Is that how come it's worstening at a frightful rate? Is my arm functioning less and less by the day what you call "getting better"? I didn't even try to hide my anger at that doctor when I told her in no uncertain terms, and I will admit, I did kind of snap at her, that it's been getting worse. Was it rude to snap at the doctor? Maybe, but you know what, I really don't give a damn because if I hadn't snapped at her she wouldn't have moved her ass and I wouldn't even have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor right now. They likely would have decided to "Do nothing" because "It'll get better" even though it is worsening.

I'm going to have to try to make a few more calls to offices to try to find a sooner appointment. The only fucking thing that came from my last appointment is the fact they finally got me on pain meds that actually help me, they put my on Tramadol which is no fucking joke, it makes me nauseous, a bit dizzy, rather tired, makes it a bit harder to focus and makes me sweat but it works and I'll gladly take those side effects if it means the pain is gone.

I won't lie, right now I am at wits end and I swear, if one more doctor tries to brush me off or downplay the situation, I will bitch slap a mother fucker. I am not going to play this damned game. You only have to look at the size difference in my forearms to see what's happening to the muscle due to this, it is that visibly obvious, the proof is right fucking there, I DARE another doctor to try to say it's no big deal, I really fucking dare them.

Great, I'll prolly need surgery. Fucking hell. . .

Journal Entry: Mon Sep 9, 2013, 2:10 AM
My ulnar nerve is getting on my last nerve. It's entrapped at my elbow after I was on the phone for two hours with a crisis hotline (it was a very, very bad day, I will not go into detail) and after I got off the phone I realized I could really feel the pinky and ring finger on my right hand and the next day it started shooting a stabbing pain through my arm randomly. For those who don't know the ulnar nerve is what gives sensation to the pinky and ring finger, it is also what controls fine motor skills in the hand as well as the muscles in the arm that give you a lot of your grip strength. The ulnar in my left arm has been damaged for a while due to old injuries, I adapted to that over the years but it took about ten years to be able to use those fingers as well as I do now. I do not have another ten years to adapt to loss of feeling in the right hand because even after adapting it still isn't perfect in my left. I have a chain maille business I am just starting up and I need my hands, if both are damaged then there goes a second business.

It's bad enough that I had to stop doing my graphic design due to my health and now vision loss, I can't have this taken away from me too. I refuse to become useless and I fucking refuse to give up on yet another business due to my health. All because I called a hotline Monday/Tuesday night when I needed something to stop me from doing something irreversible. Had I not been so emotionally wreaked then I wouldn't have had to call and this wouldn't have happened. Figures huh? I do the right thing and call instead of what I had plans to do and this is what I get for it. Just lovely.

I've done all the things that you can to fix this nerve entrapment non-surgically. Anti-inflammatory meds, nerve gliding exercises, near immobilizing the damned arm, none of it worked. So I went to the hospital Saturday and, sadly, they didn't have doctors that could officially diagnose the ulnar nerve entrapment but it was generally understood that is what it is and I was prescribed medication for it anyways. Norco for the pain, which the dose they prescribed me is too weak but can't blame them, they didn't know just how resistant I am to most pain meds but, being narcotic it does at least help me sleep which I hadn't been able to do for 3 days before. And they prescribed me Medrol, a steroid and the only non-surgical treatment left that I was unable to do myself due to needing a prescription, sadly it doesn't seem to be working, but I know these things take time but still, when it's still worsening that's not a good sign.

I have to call a doctor they referred me to some time today to see about getting in and getting the testing done to confirm the entrapment, which means they're gonna be sticking needles in and near the nerve to see what sort of latency there is in reaction to confirm entrapment and see exactly where it is entrapped. Once that's done, well, seeing as other options have been depleted at this point, it's a very high change they will have to cut my arm open and manually move the nerve.

THAT is the part that's scaring the flying fuck out of me. The operation that would be most likely is called ulnar nerve anterior transposition, they slice a 5-ish inch long section of the arm open, manually go in there and remove the nerve from between the bones then place it either back under the muscle where it was before and can get trapped again, hey if it did it once what's to stop it from doing it again, or they place it within the muscle which means serious muscle cramps could temporarily compress the nerve and aggravate it but it wouldn't be able to be trapped in the bones again, or they place it above the muscle but under the fat and skin, which means it's more likely to hurt like hell if you hit your funny bone but, besides minor agitation from such strikes it is unlikely to cause any serious issues, being someone who almost never has impact in that area I'm thinking option three would be best for me since there is also near no chance of it getting stuck in the bones again unless something really fucks up the arm. That operation leaves a 5-ish inch long area of sewed up skin and muscle that often requires it to be splinted, thus useless for 4-6 weeks.

That's the most likely operational procedure for this. If I'm lucky, really lucky, it's just a bone spur holding the nerve there but I doubt it. I know what a bone spur feels like and I know what a nerve stuck between bone feels like, this feels like it's stuck between bones.

Surgery would leave me unable to use the arm for at least 4 months. I do chain maille, I need my hands or my whole business goes on hold when I was just getting it to start moving well. This is not the time for this shit. As if it isn't bad enough Nikki needed surgery last Monday due to her appendix, this happens hardly a day afterwards? That leave two people in the house who have limitations that'll keep us from seeing to what needs be seen to in the home! It's going to strain all three of us in this home, not just me. It's already straining us a bit because I haven't been able to really use this arm without pain and injury risk because of the lack of fine motor control for the last 5 days. This is going to affect all of us in this household negatively.

I won't be able to cook very well because I normally need both hands for that, though I swear I'll find a way to manage with one, It's going to be hell to try to clean, I can already hardly even get dressed by myself and need a bit of help which I fucking hate. I may be left handed with writing but I'm right handed with everything else due to the old damage to my left ulnar nerve! It's going to be near impossible to do my chain maille while recovering, I'll try to find a way but I know it's unlikely I'll be able to manage, which means no more extra money from sales until I'm healed, which being in a splint for that long will mean I'll have to retrain my right arm and hand so can tack on another half month or even month to the recovery time, so that means more strain. They'll likely want me to go to physical therapy for it afterwards, I'll tell you now that I'll decline, I see no reason to pay for someone to help me do what I already know how to do, mostly because I've had to do my own type of physical therapy before with my knee and my left arm and got better, faster results doing it my self, so at least that's an option. Oh, and then they'll be the medications needed while recovering, so there's less money for the home which, again, means strain on everyone here.

I guess the only good news with this is that the hospital was able to put me in contact with someone who knows how to kick medicaid in the ass to get me back on it, which will help me in the long run since the medicaid office here is horrid about even answering their phones and this person they put me in contact with knows how to get around their little blocks. So there is that at least. But even with that all the negative of it is pretty overwhelming.

Then let us not forget my fear of hospitals. Yea, they're normal for most people, something you have to deal with sometimes but mostly accept. Not for me. They are a cause of anxiety attacks and PTSD related flashbacks due to some really horrid experiences with them in the past. I don't trust doctors, very rarely do I find one I trust even a bit, and to know there is a very, very high chance I'm going under the knife with someone I don't know and don't trust cutting into me, my future livelihood in their hands, I'm fucking terrified and you do not hear me admit that often. Honestly, if it wasn't for that fact that not having this highly likely surgery could ruin yet another business I've worked so damned hard to establish I would likely just force myself to live with the pain until the nerve stopped working like it did in my left arm but I cannot lose another business due to my damned health, emotionally, I couldn't take that. There's still a chance that I might lose some use of this hand if something goes wrong in the surgery but it's guaranteed I'll lose it if I don't go through with it.

Rock and a hard place, a fucking rock and a fucking hard place, story of my fucking life. Well, I guess there's a tiny bit more good news with it, though it'll be temporary, it's still something to make it easier on me in the mean time. Medrol, the steroid they put me on, also helps with intestinal issues (like Crohn's disease), arthritis, helps raise blood sugar (great thing for a hypoglycemic who's stressed as hell), and allergies, the skin lacerations from some of my contact allergies are already showing improvement. So at least I'm suffering a little bit less while I'm bracing myself for the worst news I could get in regards to this nerve and, if I'm lucky, will get my arthritis to back off for at least a while after this round of Medrol which could help me with recovery later. Normally Medrol slows a person's healing but it hasn't been doing that with me, which I'm grateful for.

If I have to have the surgery, which that's a very tiny if at this point, another good thing is that it's outpatient, so at least they won't have to keep me in the hospital. I'll be able to come out of the surgery and go home, since a nerve block can be used for surgery on a limb, I won't feel jack shit for the first 12-18 hours in that arm. Also means that general anesthesia isn't required, which is great, means no breathing tube and no laying in a hospital bed for a few hours for them to monitor me for reactions. Less risk of complications that way. Sedatives aren't even needed, I could remain totally awake during the whole thing which would help me avoid a panic attack since both sedatives and general anesthesia would leave me totally helpless and my body tends to fight tooth and nail against them due to it causing heightened blood pressure and heart rate which are not good things to have going on during a surgery. I know I'd be calmer if awake and aware, as odd as that sounds with my fear of doctors, it would be worse if they tried to put me under. I know that because it's happened before during a dental procedure. General anesthesia, yea, good luck, doesn't knock me out and giving me enough to do so would overdose me. They'll have to do a nerve block, which pretty much works the same way an epidural does but keeps working for a good while afterwards, providing pain relief right after the surgery when it'll be needed most. They would just have to do the nerve block on my arm and strap it down so it doesn't move during surgery and I could be laying there awake, hearing what the doctors are doing so I'm aware of exactly what is going on, something that will help me with any anxiety because I tend to be calmer when I'm kept informed and up to date on what's happening.

I'm trying my best to find some of the good that can lessen the trauma of this situation and make it go smoother for me and everyone else involved. It's not easy to but I'm trying and knowing what I know is helping me emotionally some, not totally but some. I'm still scared as all fuck but if I can at least mentally prepare myself then that'll go a long way when it comes to dealing with the issue. I just wish this hadn't happened, not now of all times when it's going to affect all of us in this house. I'm honestly pissed about it, I won't lie but if I want to be able to do anything with this business I've started I have to go through with it. People say it's my choice but it isn't, the only logical choice is to go through with the treatment because if I don't then I'll fail at this business that means so much to me and failure is not an option for me.

You likely do not know me as well as you think.

Journal Entry: Sun Sep 1, 2013, 3:58 AM
Little known facts about me:

I have known how to do some forms of fire dancing since I was 8.

I have skills near equal to a professional welder.

I worked as a freelance mechanic for about a year, found out it isn't something I wanna do long term. I will still do minor auto repairs for friends if able to see to the issue with simple tools.

I started my first business at age 17 as a freelance graphic designer. However, I pushed myself too far to the point I refused to eat or rest for three-ish days at a time when I had work to do. That stopped when my home nurse stepped in and told me that I had two choices: Stop or she would have me committed.

Telling me I can't do something will make me strive just to prove you wrong. I'm vindictive like that.

I push through pain every day of my life just to get out of bed and I try my damnest not to ever stop at just starting the day.

When I lift 200 (Live weight) pounds, it feels like 50 to me (Yay constant adrenaline. . .not!)

What gives me the ability to keep fighting and pushing  myself (Adrenal gland disorder) is also one of the things that is killing me.

You can tell me to take it easy all you want but I will not stop until I am satisfied with my performance.

I have struggle with anorexia since I was 10. I gain weight then starve myself to lose it. I am currently working on stabilizing that lil issue.

Cajun French was my first language. I am currently working on relearning it.

I am a perfectionist when it comes to my own works/actions but I do not hold others to the same standard that I hold myself.

When some moron tries to undermine my intellect I cannot help but feel sorry for them because they are too narrow minded to see that wisdom and knowledge is not packaged with age as too many seem to think.

I have survived many suicide attempts in the past as well as cutting habits that I still struggle with. But I won't stop. I've come too far and to give in now would be a horrid waste of effort.

I do not conform and any who try to force me to will meet the worst side of me.

I am a survivor of rape, it's how I lost my virginity, then I survived a second rape a few years later.

I see all the hell I've been through as nothing more than trails, things that test my will and want to survive, that is why I reach out to others in need.

I am happiest when I am able to bring joy or support to others. But that does NOT mean I'm a doormat!

I have taken a life in self defense before and no, I do not regret nor feel guilty for it. (He was an attempted rapist, he had a knife, I had my hands. I took him down.)

Two and a half years of my life was spent homeless.

I grew up in poverty, without healthcare, without dental care, without clothes that fit me. My feet are deformed due to being forced into shoes far too small for me when I was a child.

I have always loved dancing and I will never stop dancing.

30% of my body may be scarred but that will never stop me from being proud of myself and how I look.

These are thing I normally don't say. . .i could go on but this is enough.

. . . . .So what are little know facts about you guys?

RIGHT NOW!

Journal Entry: Wed Aug 28, 2013, 12:42 AM
This moment, right now, there will never be another like it. It's another moment of your life, you can never get it back, you can never relive it, you can never change it. Every moment counts.


I'm really at a loss as to what to do here.

Journal Entry: Sat Aug 17, 2013, 11:28 AM
I'm not going to name who here, they know who I'm talking about but I would really like to get some suggestions from other people here.

I have this one person, someone I do care about who I've known for years. The issue is it's also been the same shit for years. They say they've given up on ever finding someone and they they've accepted being alone yet they won't stop bitching about being alone even though I've already told them I don't know what to do to help them. In the past I've made suggestions and pretty much get told they don't want to even try. Seriously, if someone doesn't even want to try then they really have no room to be bitching about a situation they don't want to fix.

Another issue is that any time you point this out, or point out their own contradictions they pull "Yes I know I'm a fuck up." or "I just fucked up like I do with everything." and, in the past, I would try to comfort or give some supportive words but I'm noticing at this point they are only doing it for attention.

Then there's the hypocrisy. They claim to hate pity parties and people who whine all the time about stuff without even trying to fix the issue yet they do it themselves all the time. That's pretty blatant hypocrisy from someone who clams to hate hypocrites. Makes me wonder if that's part of why they're so self loathing.

I mean, everyone has their issues, yes. Everyone messes up sometimes, I know that. But when your own self loathing is so bad that you start to drag others down, likely because misery loves company, there's something wrong.

Friends are supposed to be there for each other, I know that very well but it's pretty hard to be there for someone who doesn't want help. When someone seems so content in their self induced misery and doesn't even want real support, just someone to feel sorry for them which is honestly dragging me down.

I know a poisonous relationship when I see one and, with how much worse some of these things are getting, to the point it is beginning to happen every single time I talk to them, I don't know what to do.

For a while they had been getting better, then they moved and it's all been downhill from there. I know right now they're having rough times and I know the person them moved in with is dragging them right back down but I refuse to be dragged down with them.

The thing is, I still care about this person a lot. I told them I'd be there when they really needed my support but, right now, all of this, they don't really need me, they just want an enabler and I'm not going to do that because it'll hurt them more in the long run.

I really don't want to just cut them out of my life but at this point I'm not seeing much of an option for the sake of my own well-being.

Anyone have any suggestions that don't include just totally turning them away? I have them blocked on Skype right now just to give myself time to figure out a good course of action. I can't sit there and keep letting myself be hurt by a friend who, as of late, hasn't been much of a friend at all. I just wish I could get them to understand how this shit keeps affecting me.

  • Listening to: The fan
  • Drinking: A smoothie