The Complaints Tavern Newsletter: Issue 11

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Welcome to the 11th Complaints Tavern Newsletter. We've been going strong for a year, people!

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask a favor of you as your loyal editor:

Read the Editor's Page.



Thank you! Now let's get this party started!

Letters to the Editor



Whoa, it seems that nobody's sent me anything this month!

Editor's Page



Hello all! This month, I have a very important announcement:

This is the last Newsletter.

Some of you may be thinking, “finally, no more of that shit!” or “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE NEWSLETTER! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!” You pick your side. The reason I'm not continuing regular issues is because interest has been completely lost. The past few months I have had to heckle heckle heckle to get even one article, and hardly any quotes have been sent in. I will continue the Newsletter if there's a high enough demand, but since that's not likely, I'll only be doing Newsletters when there is news to report in the chat.

I truly enjoyed doing the Newsletter and don't regret it at all. See you all in the Tavern!

BREAKING NEWS!



It seems nothing major has happened this month, so there's no news to report!

Columns & Things



Dear Timmy


timmy64
March 22nd, 2010

Welcome to this month's edition of Dear Timmy no longer part of Dear Abby Inc due to pending charges against our former parent company.

First we start with a letter to the colimnist:
Has your printer/fax machine ever jammed, preventing you from receiving a Dear Timmy Letter?

Wishing To know,

A Paper Jam


Dear A Paper Jam,

There was a recent incident with a letter from CittensCollar. It didn't prevent me from publishing a response! :dummy:

Now to this month's letter, titled Why group projects are doomed to fail by cassiedj

[Dear Timmy,

Long time boss, first time writer to your column].

So I'm doing this project with two other people in French class. It's a timeline. It's due tomorrow.

Member A said she would email all of the info I needed over the weekend- well, it's 7:30pm and I she hasn't emailed me or texted me back. Okay, inconvenient, but I can do some research myself.

I called member B and asked if she could help me out with the research. I leave a message. She calls me back and basically says "yeah, I have more important things to do than help on this project. Good luck!"

:| Really? What if I just didn't do this project? You'd yell at me, and I would say "well you had the option to help out, but put other things before that." I'm so unbelievably mad right now. I'm stuck doing this entire thing myself.
:iconraegplz:

:icontealdeerplz: Group projects always suck.

[Love, kisses, and an extra 10% on your Christmas bonus,
cassiedj]


Greetings my sexy benevolent overlord,*

What you should probably do is add a note to tell your teacher that you pulled off the project alone. While normally I'd have a funny response like "kill them with French" what you should do is add a note (in the French language) on your project about it, so then if the teacher asks them about it; they won't know it's there and cannot lie and claim they did the work.

Either that, or you really could do what Velma Kelly did when she killed her sister and husband.
"And well, I completely blacked out. It wasn't until I was washing the blood off my hands that I even knew they were dead."

Hope this helps,
Your screaming servant,
Timmy.

This month's thread was suggested by NOBODY! :la: Want to pick next month's? Note me! :eager:

*I get fired if I call her anything but this.

Lights! Camera! Complaints!


AzureSquire
March 29th, 2010

Most of us here love movies.  They give us something to take our minds away from life issues, and help us form a bond as we discuss how much we enjoyed what we’d just seen.  Well, most of the time, unless it’s a remake of a memory we’ve already grown to love.  But that’s okay, right? It’s not like you’re going to run into such bad news until it’s already here, right?

Well, I’m here to ruin that. :la:

For those of you haven’t had the displeasure to meet in the forum, my name is AzureSquire, and I have the uncanny ability to find all terrible movie remake news (don’t ask how, it’s just a gift).  So being a gift, I’ve been invited to share my gift to the world through these very pages.  And just in case any of you want to pull a Joe Wilson :iconjoewilsonplz:, I’ve provided articles with each movie, so you can see the news for yourself.  Now with that said, let’s get this party started!

Since I’m going to be the bearer of bad news, I might as well start off with the Bears first: The Berenstain Bears that were a staple of every 80’s and 90’s child’s library are in plans for a live-action movie.  That’s right.  Live action comedy with CGI, and not living in their Bear Country, but in the real world where “[it] isn't oblivious to the fact that they're bears.” www.usatoday.com/life/movies/n… stealing from the Cleaveland Show www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uq1Wyu… wasn’t enough for these guys. That’s okay though.  If there was one thing we loved about the Berenstain Bears, it’s that they know how to take mistakes we make and turn them into family-fun stories. And I’m looking forward to the next Berenstain Bears book that teaches us all the important life lesson of how to handle movie creators that go out of their way to assault our childhood memories i177.photobucket.com/albums/w2… :)

Moving on, Monopoly, the game you played and loved as a child, is making its way to movie screen by Universal Pictures.  Now I know what you’re thinking: “This game is all about collecting money! How in the world can you make a plot out of that?” But worry, they’ve found a way! :la: According to this article latimesblogs.latimes.com/heroc… , the main jist of the plot is a lovable loser who falls asleep playing the board game and then wakes up in…get ready for it…Monopoly Land! Where he has to save the place from being bought up by an evil pair of Parker Brothers!! :dummy: And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out the deal between Hasbro and Universal Studios extends to other classical games as well, including Candy Land, Ouija, and Battleship www.eonline.com/uberblog/b5754… We’ll see if the premise for this Monopoly money buster is too big to fail or not.

After escaping from Monopoly Land with a Get Out of Nightmare Free card, prepare to follow the Yellow Brick Road to nowhere with the Wizard of Oz.  Apparently excited by the success of Disney’s recent Alice in Wonderland movie, New Line Cinema is thinking of turning the classical book into its own dark franchise.  And just to guarantee that Dorothy’s adventures in Oz are as emo dark as Toto wearing mascara, they have hired the producer of Twilight to write the one of the scripts to be considered.  Our only hope is that the flying monkeys will tear apart any script that involves a Scarecrow that sparkles in the sunlight.  And if that wasn’t enough, Warner Bros., who owns the original classic movie, is preparing to send Dorothy’s granddaughter to vanquish a new evil in Oz.  So if you can’t stand the idea of not one, but TWO remakes taking on your blue-dressed damsel, you better click those red heels til your ankles sprain.

And last, but certainly we hoped would be the least of our worries…

Neverending Story. No, I am not kidding.  The classical 80’s movie with the theme song that people still get overjoyed to is preparing for a reboot of the series to share with the whole family!  www.comingsoon.net/news/movien… Not too many details are being released yet, but something tells me that that Artax isn’t the only one who’s rolling in his grave in the Swamp of Despair.

Well, that’s all the bad movie news I have for now.  But don’t worry, this is Hollywood we’re speaking of.  Which means I’ll eventually be back with mooooooooooreeee….

Until next time :evillaugh:

AzureSquire

Interview!


MasterPlanner
March 22nd, 2010

Due to the absence of our regular interview columnist TimeToComeClean this month, this newsletter's interview is brought to you by the letter M. M as in MasterPlanner...and Makayo, the subject of this month's interview! Here we shall find out more about one of the Tavern's regular gamers than you wanted to know, and whether the dark side really does have cookies!
 
<MasterPlanner> Okay, let's get started! :la: How the hell do we go about this?
<Makayo> ...
<Makayo> Uh... You ask questions, I answer?
<MasterPlanner> Oh, so that's what I was supposed to be doing...Well, how did you first find out about deviantArt? And for that matter, the Complaints Forum and Tavern?
<Makayo> The leader of a Halo: Combat Evolved video group that I was a member of told me about deviantART in 05. He'd since ragequit after misunderstanding rules, but has since returned. I don't really recall how I came about becoming fairly regular on the Complaints forum, but it started about October of 08. In regards to the tavern, I'm pretty sure I'd been around since its creation.
<MasterPlanner> Great. Now, for those poor ignorant souls who don't know you at all, what interests do you have?
<Makayo> I'm lightly into anime and manga, but there hasn't been much that interests me lately. I'm also a pretty big perv, but that's only partially relevant. I'm fairly into gender-bending, but that's most probably due to my dissatisfaction with my own gender. I'm also a fairly avid gamer. Mostly RPGs are my thing now, but I'm still somewhat into the shooters. And that says nothing of my StarWars fanboyism.
<MasterPlanner> And your favorite games?
<Makayo> My favorite games are Saints Row 2, Mass Effect [both the First and Second], and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic [and Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords, despite that one being rushed and incomplete]. To a lesser extent, I'm still fairly fond of the Halo series, though not nearly as much as I used to.
<MasterPlanner> As for Star Wars...what's your opinion on the prequel films and the animated Clone Wars series?
<Makayo> In regards to the Prequel films, even if they aren't the most popular, they're still considered G[eorge]-Canon. As for Clone Wars, I've avoided that for the most part due to the cheesy CG. I might give it a chance... Eventually. As far as I'm concerned, the Expanded Universe from the Battle of Yavin onwards is gold.
<MasterPlanner> How many Star Wars novels have you read?
<Makayo> Interesting fact: Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith is playing right now on my TV. In regards to the novels, there's only a small gap between 11 ABY [After Battle of Yavin] and 25 ABY that I have not read or listened to on Audio book. I'm particularly fond of the latest saga being released: Fate of the Jedi.
<MasterPlanner> I've read that series. Great promise, it shows. :nod: Now, can you describe your daily activities in the Tavern?
<Makayo> Generally, I pop in whenever I'm at my desk, or running the laptop down in the basement. I'll usually chat about various things - some more interesting than others  - with other members, and occasionally discuss forum events.
<MasterPlanner> So, nothing quite out of the ordinary...if the Tavern can be said to be ordinary :lol:
<Makayo>Yeah. I like it when we talk sexy things. :meow:
<MasterPlanner> Want me to talk dirty to you? :flirty:
<Makayo> Only if you want to. ;p
<MasterPlanner> But, business before pleasure. Next question: what really grinds your gears?
<Makayo> People who say "grinds my gears" is what miffs me most. Honestly though, probably people who whine on the forums, or those convinced that their 'premium membership' means that dA is supposed to tailor the site to their desires.
<MasterPlanner> You mean kids with an oversized sense of entitlement?
<Makayo> That, and the 'not-so-kids'. ;p
<MasterPlanner> Immature adults who act like kids! :dummy: Although those supply us with lulz, are the lulz worth it?
<Makayo> Whatever amuses me is good for me.
<MasterPlanner> Well, one last thing because we don't have all day. Since the "tits (y/y)" thing really isn't my territory, I shall ask: "Lightsabers (y/y)"?
<Makayo> ... Wait, what?
<MasterPlanner> Thanks for participating in the monthly Complaints Tavern interview!

kiren17's Grab-Bag


kiren17
March 26th, 2010

No top 5 complaints threads of the month, sorry folks!

No, this month I want to talk about something that me, Dr-Paine, Sane-Intolerant, and TheSylverLining put together.

Back story: I was hanging out in The Tavern, as usual, and I noticed TheSylverLining and Sane-Intolerant talking about not being able to get motivated to write, or something along those lines. Me, being oh-so-clever as I always am, jumped in the middle of their conversation and said "Hey, you guys, why don't we all go have a word war?"

"A word war, you say?" They asked, puzzled.

"Yes," I began, "A word war is when we set a certain time limit, and we all try to write the most in that time frame."

TheSylverLining and Sane-Intolerant were on board. We headed over to my chat room, TheChillArea, and discussed rules.

HARK!

Dr-Paine appeared with a desire to join in! Naturally, we agreed. Now we had 4 people, 20 minutes, and some very quick fingers. We began, and everybody completely ignored the chat and wrote their hearts out. It was a success. We all had above 400 words to our stories, and we were all proud. We shared our works with each other, got feedback, had some laughs, it was a good time. Then directly after that, TheSylverLining, Dr-Paine and I had another war.

TheSylverLining's writing: sylverkitsune.deviantart.com/a… (Note, this is what Sylver wrote in the most recent war, not what she wrote in the first one)
Dr-Paine's writing: dr-paine.deviantart.com/art/TL…
Sane-Intolerant's writing: sane-intolerant.deviantart.com…

I won't whore myself out, but I will say this: The first 3 parts to my story "Lily" are currently sitting in my gallery. Every word in those stories, so far, has been written in a word war. Coincidence? Not at all. Word wars are the only thing that get me motivated. Word wars give me competition, and they give me people to bounce ideas off of. They give me people who are having trouble getting motivated who motivate me, and vice versa.

Currently wars are held almost every night, most often by me, Dr-Paine, and TheSylverLining. Lately, however, we've been getting a few more people willing to participate.

So you make up your own mind. Word wars, are they a waste of time, or are they the most fucking amazing thing ever?

chat.deviantart.com/WarOfTheWo…

Note me if you'd like to organize one.

Features


PSOWILL
March 31st, 2010

Baha05 by NikkiXKaila

:thumb148711477:

Memorable Quotes



04:06:19 AM <CittensCollar> so i've finally reached the point where i have too many songs to fit on my ipod so i have to choose what to put on there and what to get rid of... i've gotten rid of all the pop music so far. except for one band.
04:06:22 AM <CittensCollar> backstreet boys.
04:06:26 AM <CittensCollar> FUCK YEAAAAH
04:07:10 AM <Welu-T> CittensCollar: FUCK YEAH!!
04:07:34 AM <GoThIc-PyRo> CittensCollar: fuck yea
04:07:49 AM <sbkMulletMan> :iconkoolaidplz:FUCK NO!
__

<Makayo> MasterPlanner: I thought you were a master baiter?
<Abstract-Mindser> Makayo: :iconrimshotplz:
<MasterPlanner> Makayo: No, I'm a cunning linguist :eyes:
__

<BiggCaZ> Its just not okay to be that gay
<BiggCaZ> guy*
<BiggCaZ> you be as gay as you wanna be
<Gearmond> >:V
<BiggCaZ> Gearmond: Not calling you gay
<BiggCaZ> just saying, if you wanna go on like that
<BiggCaZ> go ahead
<CittensCollar> i think sbkMulletMan's accidental racism might have just been outdone
<BiggCaZ> i won't judge
__

<bohobella> haaaaalp! There is a piece of meat stuck in my throat I cant get out. What I do?!
<CittensCollar>bohobella: ask him to pull it out?

<CittensCollar>"squirted"
<CittensCollar>ew
<CittensCollar>ew
<CittensCollar>ew
<CittensCollar>an orgasm should never, ever be described with that word
<sbkMulletMan>Skronkette: well, that's what it does! unless you haven't been doing your kegels, in which case I guess it just dribbles a bit
<CittensCollar>sbkMulletMan: :iconimhorrifiedplz:... :rofl:
<sbkMulletMan>Skronkette: there we go! "Dribbled like a leaky faucet all over my to-OKAY, I'm drawing the line there
<HappyDuckCreator>'he sprung a leak, and couldn't stop.'
<sbkMulletMan>HappyDuckCreator:   Get the Wrench! Tighten those nuts, boy!
<sbkMulletMan> DISPENSING AN ERECTOR!
<HappyDuckCreator>'he plastered the wall, and still had leftover cement.'

<CittensCollar>i'm trying to think back to when i started becoming such a perv
<CittensCollar>i... i don't know
<CittensCollar>i think i was born this way
<CittensCollar>right out of my mom's womb and i turn around, look at the cooch i just came out of, and go :iconthefonzplz:  'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
<CittensCollar>and i'm going to hell

<sbkMulletMan>hrm, I think I have some kind of rule 34 idea: Kirby is trying to fuck...something, I dunno, I'll think of something, but he's crying and flapping his little flippers around, screaming "I HAVE NO WEENIE!" God, I hate that pink fucker

Memorable Videos



:bulletgreen: Funny Moment in Gaming: Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland - A Happy Gay Bridge Builder: www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aAUjd…
:bulletpurple: Greens Keepers - Lotion: www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ToNZH…

Jokes



Why did Mary fall off the swing?

She's got no arms.

</b>Knock Knock</b>
Who's there?
</b>Not Mary. </b>
__

Why did Clive fall off his bike?

'Cause he's a fish

Why did Bobby fall off his bike?

He ran over a fish.
__

Light a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.
Light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
__

Why did the energizer bunny go to jail?

He was charged for battery.
__

A little boy goes to his father and asks him "Daddy, can you help me with my homework?"

The father replies, "Sure, son, what do you need help with?"

The son says "I have to write an essay on the difference between theory and reality. What is it?"

The father says, "Well son, I have a way to show you what the difference is. But first you have to follow my instructions exactly." He takes out some paper and writes down four questions. He tells his son, "Now you have to ask your mom the first question, your oldest sister the second, your older sister the third, and your older brother the fourth. And most importantly you have to ask the questions exactly as they're written down. Now when you've finished, come here and tell me what they said and I'll tell you the difference between theory and reality."

"Okay!" The boy takes the paper and walks off.

He goes into the bathroom where his mother is adjusting her makeup. He reads off the paper. "Mommy, if someone offered you a million dollars to make love to Robert Redford, would you do it?"

His mother whispers, "Don't tell your father, but yeah, I would."

The boy then goes into the bedroom of his oldest sister who is studying and on the internet. He asks her, "Hey, if someone offered you a million dollars to make love to Brad Pitt, would you do it?"

The oldest sister says "Hell yes, what girl wouldn't?!"

The boy then goes into the bedroom of the second sister, who is texting her friends on her cellphone. He asks her, "Hey, if someone offered you a million dollars to make love to Robert Pattinson, would you do it?"

The sister tells him ":roll: Are you kidding? Of course I would! He's totally hot!"

The boy then goes into the room of his older brother, who is playing video games, and asks him, "Hey, if someone offered you a million dollars to make love to Tom Cruise, would you do it?"

The brother says, "Well, sure, a million dollars is a lot of money."

The little boy goes back to the living room, where his father is reading the paper. "Daddy, I asked them the questions and they all said yes! What does this have to do with the difference between theory and reality?"

The father tells him, "Well, here's the difference. In theory we have four million dollars. In reality all we have are three whores and a fag!"

:iconrimshotplz:
__

A psychiatrist is holding a group therapy session with five mothers and their children. The mothers all suffer from various addictions. The psychiatrist is testing his new theory.

"Addiction is a disease which permeates every aspect of your lives, including your children," he tells them. He looks toward one woman and says, "For example, you are addicted to alcohol. You are so fixated on getting your next drink that you even named your child Brandy."

The woman nods, "It's true, I'm an alcoholic."

The shrink turns to the next woman. "You are addicted to food," he tells her. "You are so preoccupied with food that you even named your child Candy."

The fat woman nods. "It's true, I need help."

The shrink, warming up to his theory now, turns to the next woman. "You are addicted to shopping," he says. "You are so obsessed with money and the things it can buy that you even named your child Penny."

The woman just nods, saying, "You're right, I've just never seen the connection before!"

The shrink turns to the fourth woman. "You are addicted to narcotics. You are so preoccupied with how you can get your next high that you even named your child Mary Jane."

The junkie nods, saying, "It's true, all I think about every day are drugs."

Before the shrink can say anything to her, the last woman stands up and grabs her son by the hand. "Come on, Dick, I don't need to hear any of this quack's bullshit."

:iconrimshotplz:

Foruscope


TheDiseasedOne
March 29th, 2010

Aries: You know how sometimes you sit there looking at the last delicious chewy chocolate chip cookie left on the plate, and even though you have already had your fair share and somebody else hasn't yet (and you know it), you just really, really want to reach out and take that cookie before anyone else gets? WELL FUCKING DON’T, YOU GREEDY BASTARD! Seriously, are all Arieses as selfish as you are? Probably, yes. But that’s no excuse to go on stuffing yourself. Aries is a sheep, not a damn pig! On a slightly less combative note (or maybe not…) this month is lookin’ good in terms of your lovelife. Venus (the tramp) is flirting through Mars’s second house, so that pretty little thing you got your eyes on…? Now’s the time to snap them up. And don’t be afraid to get a little rough…they’ll end up thanking you, in the end. Plus, your dishes will be ever so clean!

"How can I be useful, of what service can I be? There is something inside me, what can it be?" Rather confusing, that, but what else can you expect from this months famous Aries? After all, this is the bloke who turned artform into a self mutilation.

Lucky plz: :iconpantsplz:

Odds & Ends



:bulletred: Remember, if you liked this issue, :+favlove: it!

:bulletorange: If you think an event is important enough to report on, note me and maybe I'll make a special announcement!

A special thanks to our contributors this month:
TheDiseasedOne for the Foruscope,
timmy64 for Dear Timmy,
MasterPlanner and Makayo for the interview,
AzureSquire for the article,
PSOWILL for the features,
kiren17 for his grab-bag,
and everyone else for the quotes/videos/jokes!

If I forgot anything, do tell me in a comment!
© 2010 - 2024 cassiedj
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CarolynBoBarolyn's avatar
But... but... I don't even do that chat thing, and I love the newsletter!!