Dusk enshrouds paralyzed eyes
whose wretched haze chains down the light,
Holding it in bittersweet abeyance.
Could it be, that for all the moon's august gleams, it has suffocated?
Has it abandoned the foreboding sky?
How could it leave me to bow before waning silhouettes?
I cannot dream into an empty night.
Can't you tell me
why I steal endlessly through fields of cold shoulders,
Dismissing the leaden echoes of their billowing nails?
Is it just to experience, if only for a moment,
that lonely flower's feigned beauty as it arrests my nerves once again?
Hollow hands can only long for the taste of flesh,
And without my anchor I feel so slight.
I'd wear a thousand crowns of leeching thorns
if I could again hold dear
Something worth treasuring –
Something worth regretting,
But all I have is this reluctant breeze
waving aged blood and broken hairs past my dusty eyes.
For a moment your glare pierces from a brilliant darkness –
Dawn clutches my soul.
I watch the sun slowly engulf you.
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First poem after a two-day break. This poem stems from a few things:
1) My love for poetry as a serious art. I don't enjoy reading the many poems on here that seem very rushed and haphazard. Poetry should be a thoughtful and (usually) well-constructed art, not a fallback. People don't care for poetry because so much of it does suck (thank you Imagists...lol).
2) My heart and soul (cliche and obvious
). I do believe that poetry should be an exploration of the mind, though I think that it should be done with a certain panache no matter how controlled or how emotional it is. I tried to dive with this one (though, honestly, not nearly as much as I usually do), and hopefully I resurfaced with something enjoyable/interesting.
3) The average love poem. Good Good (
). I mean, I love you guys (those of you reading this probably don't fall into the category 
), but if love is such a deep and complex emotion, can we stop simply brushing the surface, or at least stop trying to pass it off as something much more than it is? Sometimes it feels like I have to read the same poem everyday.
Sorry for the unusually charged rants, and I know it might/does sound a bit arrogant and condescending, but know I still love you all. I think that sometimes I just get a little flabbergasted (
) when I read so much...well, you know. Haha, but anyway, I hope you enjoy ^^
(This is my work, and claiming otherwise is plagiarism)
<da:thumb id="168137597">
Edited on 12-9-2014 to clean things up a bit (I must've been feeling mean when I wrote these rants .-.)!
1) My love for poetry as a serious art. I don't enjoy reading the many poems on here that seem very rushed and haphazard. Poetry should be a thoughtful and (usually) well-constructed art, not a fallback. People don't care for poetry because so much of it does suck (thank you Imagists...lol).
2) My heart and soul (cliche and obvious
). I do believe that poetry should be an exploration of the mind, though I think that it should be done with a certain panache no matter how controlled or how emotional it is. I tried to dive with this one (though, honestly, not nearly as much as I usually do), and hopefully I resurfaced with something enjoyable/interesting.3) The average love poem. Good Good (
). I mean, I love you guys (those of you reading this probably don't fall into the category ), but if love is such a deep and complex emotion, can we stop simply brushing the surface, or at least stop trying to pass it off as something much more than it is? Sometimes it feels like I have to read the same poem everyday.Sorry for the unusually charged rants, and I know it might/does sound a bit arrogant and condescending, but know I still love you all
. I think that sometimes I just get a little flabbergasted () when I read so much...well, you know. Haha, but anyway, I hope you enjoy ^^(This is my work, and claiming otherwise is plagiarism)
<da:thumb id="168137597">
Edited on 12-9-2014 to clean things up a bit (I must've been feeling mean when I wrote these rants .-.)!
Comments28
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI decided to omit star ratings citing their use in 'measuring' literature as tenuous at best and, as such, must ask you to please ignore the star rating.
Quick observations/suggestions:
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 1 | Line 2 - I'm not sure if the 'whose' is referring to the 'dusk' or the 'eyes' which leaves the first few lines a bit convoluted feeling.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 1 | Line 4 - You've created a contrast here with the opening clause 'could it be that for', but I'm not connecting the dots between how 'august gleams' and 'suffocated' are supposed to contrast each other contextually.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 1 | Line 5 - Why wouldn't the moon abandon something that is 'foreboding'? Is it possibly foreboding now that it is abandoned?<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 1 | Line 7 - I like this line, but I also feel it logically contrasting: isn't a blank canvas what you would want to work with speaking of something as creative as dreaming?<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 2 | Line 1 - Can, rather than 'Can't'<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 2 | Line 2 & 3 - Best lines.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 2 | Line 5 - Consider trimming this line down and making it more active (i.e. that lonely flower's feigned beauty arresting my nerves again?); also, how is the lonely flower's beauty feigned? I'm not sure I'm putting together the symbolistic importance on this one.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 3 | Line 2 - have to separate your clause: and, without my anchor,*<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 3 | Line 4 - 'dear' strikes me as being unnecessary<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 3 | Line 5 & 6 - this is a well done juxtaposition regarding the nature of things<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 3 | Line 8 - 'for a moment is a prep phrase and needs a comma after it.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="564" title="Bullet; Black"/> Stanza 3 | Line 10 - This is a strong line, but I think it has more impact if you leave it on its own rather than grouping it with the stanza; something to play around with, maybe.I think this piece is struggling with its identity a bit. There are some uses of what I would consider strong nouns and verbs to augment your symbolism, and some that strike me as being detrimental.
Ones I thought detrimental: 'holding' (line 2); 'it' (lines 4, 5, 6)
I know I kind of touched on that during the bulleted comments, but I thought it important enough to revisit.
The Whole piece reads rather fever dream-ish. Very imagery and adjective laden, with definite connections thematically, but not something I can full y piece together. I'm unsure if that's me as the reader, or if it's possibly too much, non-linear imagery just overflowing the canvas. Just something to look at and consider.
I'm also not sure why the entire piece is in italics, which just means that I didn't glean what you were trying to do with that. Again, that could just be me as the reader.
All in all, there's definitely some strong lines here, augmented by a Christ figure allusion with definite allegorical connotations. That said, it's just a bit too disconnected for me to discern much beyond the seemingly anti-romance theme of potentially unrequited or 'loved and lost' message in the imagery.
Hope something of that overview helps you out, good sir. You know I'm a fan of how you approach your writing and your obvious efforts to make it your own, so it's good to see you back here. I will always be a fan of cognitive works, I think there is something very special in them.
Cool.
Glad you asked for the critique, it was fun to get into this one. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="26" height="18" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="455" title="I salute you!"/>