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This may not be the worst year but I still don't want to face myself

The first two or three months started out fine and I felt like I could recover. I wasn't going balls deep into anything but was putting decent effort on everything you could say, especially because in the Fall of 2015 I didn't even animate much. I did watch a lot of Starcraft 2 and was plain frustrated that it still took so long to improve... Still, it's nothing like the time I've dumped into Lost Saga, which is over twice as much in the same time span I estimate. Although Guilty Gear Xrd had its dumb bits I didn't waste as much time as I did with waiting around for LS 1v1s like I did before...

I still can't get mad enough or regret what I did in high school that much, I mean all I recall was that I felt that shitty and didn't want to plan for the future. Lost Saga was just a pretty good distraction from that anxiety even if it may have backfired later on in the end in 2013, 2014 -- but then again that may just be my clingy personality. And I haven't changed that much now even with better self-control. I won't develop a sudden interest in law and legal work even if it's not the worst for me.

From mid-April to maybe August I didn't waste that much time on games even though I'd still watch the Koreans play SC2 -- but still didn't have enough "obligation" to prepare to grow up and whatnot. Similar feelings from summer 2015 were there, just not wanting to really enter the adult world. The good thing was that I got back into shape with basketball, some weight lifting and Martial Arts in fall quarter, but I guess unless I actually become a blue-collar worker or a personal bodyguard that isn't that relevant.

I reached Level 65 with my Archer and Slayer in TERA, which isn't too impressive and grinding the T8+ gears wasn't that fun either. Still, my TERA time is probably a lot less than Lost Saga where on my original OGP account I had 4 level 30 heroes and 1 level 50 hero -- grinding in TERA is relatively easy/simple. Still, in 2012 it was fun derping with Sol and Viking and May, more fun than most of my experiences with other games this year (granted Sol's awkwardness). Given that time seemed to pass significantly slower during high school I'm tempted to say that was all worth it, hah. Even Shadow of the Colossus on emulator and pirated Super Meat Boy were both very fun, and anime was kind of cooler back then too.

In a sense I've just failed many of my resolutions/goals for this year, even though I'm also almost done with a lot of them. I expected at least one big surge of passion, but the moments I had in October, November weren't enough. From May to most of summer my anxiety would get the better of me and I just wouldn't draw enough, putting it off till later in the night. Didn't even rewatch LoGH either though I'm up to episode 54 of it. I've improved on my art even though I'm not using more complex tools or shading, but I still wanted a few more drawings to close out this year.

Despite a lot of good luck coming my way throughout my teens my "weirdness" probably should have been addressed earlier in middle school if elementary school children were too hard to motivate. I think it's a weird philosophical mindset where I ignored something if it didn't seem true or if it was all too temporary. And yet what was permanent or meaningful was suddenly created over an experience rather than just existing logically, as I believed it should...

I guess I'll review college in depth when I hopefully finish it in June.

I didn't get to play Zelda Wii U because of two more delays, but I got to play the Last Guardian. Really good adventure games are some of the best experiences for me, graphics were great as expected too... Story didn't make too much sense. Hopefully I can play Zelda Wii U sometime over the summer before I'm too caught up with law school or paying my own bills some other way.

Dad is being an Asian dad, my brother isn't even good enough... I guess in comparison a lot of the other kids he knows are damn successful and since I'm not severely autistic there's not much of an excuse for me.

Overall Re Zero was probably the best anime I've watched this year too, I wish I could've found more but I guess I was too lazy to even watch anime on many days, ha. Chaika was also pretty good, need to watch S2 of that and S2 of GATE.

So here were my goals in any case:

Work out more -- Potbelly not fully gone but my figure has improved, just would like that six pack and be generally a bit more muscular now, no need to push it too far like some of the guys I see at the rec center.

Finish Jaren vs Shade -- I don't think I added too much into what was planned, but I overestimated my passion/determination for all the frame by frame fighting last year. Still it's kind of sad given that I didn't swap onto any other animations and that I generally had a block of time over the summer. Oh well, in many ways I feel this was more or less worth my time.

No job lol, and no Zelda U but I'm not too upset about either of those.

Finish editing Legend of Shade 1 -- I tacked on a bit 6,000 words I think? I don't know when something is necessary for plot and when something is just an add-on... the line is kind of blurred.

Finish Legend of Shade 2 -- very rare times this year when I felt inspired. Let's blame that. Also blame the fact I got kind of sidetracked with subplots. But I don't think the plot was too bad and I think if I forced myself too much I would've added too many random bits. I hit 300,000 words at least, barely.

Tales of Quinity -- even less for this one, although I did sort of put in a bit of effort on week out of the year, ha. I feel like this story is important in a sense though.

Also made the beginning of a new Zusa -- it was an improvement but over the past couple years I just learned that I'll probably have my hands full with Shade given how many ideas and how much I ended up integrating into that story.

What can I really hope for in the future besides another creative spark? Technology and sex robots, AI maybe? The furthest I'll probably get otherwise would be being lucky with a honeymoon period but I don't think my personality can deal with long term relationships. I know by now that even if high paying jobs are preferable I'm not too concerned with social status either.

Oh well, as I age I'll gradually be getting used to working like a machine, day to night just for survival in this sad world.

Resolutions/goals would be --

Keep up or improve my fitness
Finish editing Legend of Shade
finish Legend of Shade 2
finish my animation
maybe start a new animation
find summer employment and either go to law school or begin living independently somehow here....

Oh, and I did grub out an A in PC Ethnic studies lol. Watched Gochuumon S2 too, pls gibe more Japan.
  • Listening to: love as large as brontosaurus
  • Reading: 4chan
  • Watching: Durarara!! x2
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: rice
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
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January 1, 2017
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