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Well quite a lot of stuff?

First of all job... Crashed truck at 4th day, that ended being deliveryman. Now security guard. Probably the best work-life balance I'm going to find, I still remember for the second half of the week in normal corporate job my mind felt like it was completely fried with caffeine crash and all. Boredom and depression is inevitable, but still better. Bad thing is irregular schedule? Although they haven't given me that many last minute shifts so far.

Watched Megalo Box and Island as the two newer anime recently. Megalo Box wasn't bad at all, good animation although I was never a boxing fan, but the story line was still pretty straightforwards overall to me. Island I felt started too slow for a 12 episode anime and I just didn't get to care that much about Sara and Karen, and then during the winter arc everything felt kind of rushed. The time travel and stuff with Rinne was an interesting enough concept though.

Am still following Attack on Titan, still high budget with the Rod Reiss Titan. Gonna be a lot more bloodshed in the next few episodes though. Storyline overall seems slow as I also read manga, but then again I think in the first season they added 5-6 eps of filler with more fighting and stuffs. Eren's role is surprisingly small overall and the storyline follows a lot of characters.

Ended up rewatching Digimon Tamers and surprised at how much I liked it. The first half is arguably rather slow, but after watching more anime (since 2010 when I originally watched it) I've gotten used to having to wade through stuff like Fist of the North Star (where I didn't care too much about Rei arc, then villains of the week) and Slam Dunk with 100+ episodes. Looped animations like Card Slash and Evolutions also take space -- - the horse Deva and the boar Deva fights were both pretty poorly executed too. Overall the D-reaper should have been introduced a bit earlier though.

But the character development was generally pretty good to justify the slower start (Ruki and Renamon's relationship is unique among most Digimon series I think), D-reaper was a better overall villain than a lot of animes. I still feel Adventure bombarded with Dark Masters all of a sudden, then Adventure 02 had the cheesiest ending everyone is trapped into illusion and Daisuke snaps em out by wanting to make noodle cart, kids get implanted by Dark Spores because they want to be athletic genius lmao. Also BlackWarGreymon's character wasn't bad but he still feels like a lazy reskin.

Thinking of which overall I still like Juri more than Sayaka from Madoka as a character. Impmon would be Kyoko, Madoka as Takato, Jian as Mami ("calm mentor") and I guess Ruki as Homura, and Culumon as Kyubey without the evil.

Also the final battle wasn't as damn generic as shooting signature attacks, the adults aren't super incompetent in this show. Even the more lighthearted episodes felt like good character developments, more interesting than generic schoolgirl shiet.

I never got around to finishing up Digimon Adventure Tri although I suppose I could by now. They didn't bring Etemon/MetalEtemon back though :/ Dunno if they'll make Tamers sequel. Idk about watching Frontier and the other Digimons.

Am on the last part of EBF5 in only the beta. Overall still solid game, I guess I'll have to get full version to explore skill tree and more limit breaks, armor etc. Played it on hard and was decently challenging for me. (25-30 hrs sunk) I haven't ever tried out the Revenge-speedrun strat in EBF4, where you feed Matt all exp and let other three die in order to just win with Revenge skill.

I haven't been too much more social, went to play casual volleyball once. Then garage door was stuck.

Still follow SC2 a bit. Never really got into Terran but Maru is dominant over most of the players this year, if SoS can hold onto get into Blizzcon he'd be the main challenge, I suppose. Surprised to see Armada retiring but new SSBM gods are coming in. Don't have a Switch to buy Smash Universe -- I never even got Smash 4 although I had the Wii U. I suppose I'd want SSB5/U the most perhaps just to play a stronger ver. of Young Link, and changes with Ganon look interesting too. Don't really know any Smash fans around here though, although net play is probably going to be a thing.

Went to Prerelease of Guilds of Ravnica and went 1-2 w/Izzet. May play more Limited overall. Other guilds in the expansion I might be interested in Rakdos and Simic depending on mechanics.

I got Gadunka as a new Bionicle off Amazon, he was in pretty good condition and looks pretty cool, but squid launcher sucks as much as we all remember.

Sent to a 3rd publisher no more replies. Will keep sending at least once a month and do another round of edits on what seems publishable next year.
  • Listening to: Bionicle songs
  • Reading: GE Moore
  • Watching: SNK3, Satsuriku no Tenshi
  • Playing: Bionicleeees
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Well, I rewatched Madoka. Seven times in 7 years, 5 times for Rebellion. Overall I still like it. Still hard to believe seven years already passed. In 2011 I was still a bored kid with so much time on his hands that I got to be so lost in video games. Relate to Homura with the loneliness and longing for better times, I guess. Even 6 years ago I had more in life, even with depressive spells. In any case my writing can somewhat bring me to better times.

Publisher got back to me a bit over a week ago and wished me luck with other possible publishers. Sent to a second, this one not exclusive and will continue to keep trying to send out more. Don't know when I can reasonably expect getting something published.

For the social work job it didn't work out. Me being introverted and antisocial isn't something I can suppress very well, interaction is just so tiring. Also reminded me of how awkward my own assburgers makes interacting with females. I don't think any social constructionism could've really improved me that much. I got some money out of it in the end.

In any case donate to my Patreon, even a little! I'll try my best to find better work but any help is really appreciated.

Realistically it will be several months before I can release a new animation, even if I better know my limits and keep it under a minute.

First day of training for me as a delivery driver. Pretty tiring and pretty hot around here is all I can say -- pay and everything is actually pretty neat it seems. Many apartment complexes can be mazes. Obviously it's not that realistic in the long-term though. I feel if I go back to grinding computer crap the same depressive spells will come over though. Although for this job I am still not sure how productive I can be with writing on the side, my other one really didn't let me get much done. I've written a decent amount this year especially when looking at constraints, but I still want more out of the last few months.

Overall security guard is probably less work as you don't have to scramble to organize boxes, but many turn out to also require weapons permit, heh.

Suddenly got nostalgic over Bionicles in the last couple of weeks. (The MNOG playthroughs were pretty funny) Wish they still made them or that the reboot didn't fail. I broke apart many of my figures, but for now I mostly have completed Vezon+Fenrakk, Matoro, and Pridak who needs eye replacement and lost his hella useless squid+launcher. My last figure was the 2008 shadow leech Takanuva titan, and I dunno where most of him went -- I regret not buying other titans at the time. My first was the red Bohrok, I think as a gift, and then I liked the Toa Nuva, but only got 1 Bohrok Kal and Rahkshi in 2003, and skipped over the latter half of 2004 and 2005. Piraka Rap manages my depression. Maybe will do so now like a true nerd.

Haven't been playing too much of new Legacy, went 3-1 and 1-2. Epic Battle Fantasy 5 is almost done, I look forward to that more than any console games. Judging from battle demo, I like Matt-Anna-NoLegs as main crew, although I'm biased because I just think Anna>Natz. Hungrybox is surprisingly slipping in SSBM. Not really looking forward to many shows though, nor Ravnica 3...
  • Listening to: Bionicle songs
  • Reading: GE Moore
  • Watching: Megalo Box
  • Playing: Bionicleeees
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
23 me!

Well, not security guard after all. New job is alright so far and beats old one anytime, may have trouble paying pseudo-rent though as it pays less and uncertain schedule. It's social work so I'm not drying up in front of a computer, I'm interested in Psychology enough, of course some of the disabilities and issues I have to deal with will be severe.

Basic goals for next year besides publishing include... revising two more of my completed works, and just trying to be more active overall writing and animating. Easier said than done. Made a lot of mistakes over the years and it weighed heavily on me throughout 2017 -- sometimes I get so self-critical.

Some publishers seem pretty annoying, both time delay and some require hard copies. My sample isn't much of the story so far if I only get 10,000 words, I hope my sypnosis isn't too awkward either, the query letters (~1 page) have been easier for me. In any case, tried DAW (Penguin) so far given it's convenient and accepts full manuscript, but it means waiting 3 months before submitting to other publishers, so I have to cross my fingers for a quick reply? Hah!

Expecting many rejections because it's not normal and probably too weird for most readers. Realistically at least 10, probably 20, idk about 30...

Overall I was productive enough with my time off I think, although I'll never get back to full steam with animation like I did in my college years. I don't think I wasted that much time on Starcraft 2. Overall I don't think I'll enjoy games as much as I used to anyways.

Watched Mahou Shoujo Site which was alright, lost its edge, Nana was creepy, didn't really care for any of the characters. Aya's brother was amusing enough. Also watched Golden Kamuy which I thought was pretty good, shenanigans were decent even if not too funny, got to see new things with Ainu culture and the action was not bad either. So much 3DCG looked pretty bad to me though, I wonder if it was really that much cheaper than just drawing the bears. 3DCG usually doesn't look great in anime, with the exception of maybe Berserker from Fate/Zero... Although in many cases over the 12 episodes the plot progressed a little less than expected.

Also watched the first Heaven's Feel movie for F/SN ufotable, and never really was that great for me. Still like Kirei enough though, I guess this route shows Rider's full strength though -- even then I thought regardless of plot, Zero had better heroes and backstories to match their masters. The True Assassin just seems gimmicky and not that interesting.

Speaking of Zero, that made me think of Madoka and I still remember almost 7 years ago when I first watched it. 7 years passing seems ridiculous... And yet the story isn't continuing even after the Rebellion movie in October 2013. Just like after all those years they never bothered fixing Lost Saga or making a similar game.

Thinking about 7 years ago, I didn't think that it would take me over seven years to write and reach out to publishers (The prototypes for the story were started in 2011), but another part of me back then didn't even consider college, and I also thought that no publisher would ever truly bother with my work and that it was a possibility that I'd just be a dumb recluse... Of course back then I felt like I had plenty of time anyways and had enough fun things to do in high school.

Speaking of Fate I do feel a bit like Shirou from UBW, but at the same time I doubt I would've been much happier if I tried harder to conform to a normal life instead of going on seigi no mikata adventures in my own worlds.

Overall the past year has been disappointing for me, mostly because of the working grind. I didn't do 40 hours consistently through it but still. I remember from say, May 2015-2016 I wrote about 240,000+ words for my story and was active animating, drawing and playing vidya (SC2, SSBM, Guilty Gear Xrd, and TERA) while I was in college... Past year I only had slightly over 100,000 words after I had started my newest story in late July 2017, majority of which were done in my time off (the workweek really was that brutal), and probably less than half the time I got to spend on games compared to college, including Magic.

Deathrite Shaman and Git. Probe are banned in Legacy! First week I go 3-0 and win 2 bad matchups (Storm, Reanimator, Burn) with Goblins again. Trashmasters should be effective if I see a lot of D&Ts. Idk whether I agree with the bans that much but it does increase diversity in the format. Idk how excited I am for Guilds of Ravnica later this year though, I still remember liking the Izzet back in the old days. I'll probably go to Prereleases as well as Legacy events.
  • Listening to: Madoka OST in my head again
  • Reading: who knows soon?
  • Watching: LoGH rewatch, prob more moeshit
  • Playing: SC2, MtG
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Miss the past pretty badly. Been around a year since college graduation and this year has been one of the worst of my life. 11th and 12th grades despite the depression, boredom of teenage years I could go home every day and play freaking Lost Saga, even if that game had its issues, even if I raged at it I was interested enough in it to have fun, damn it, and I had both online and real life friends there. I still had much more social interaction at school than in work.

Getting security card guard soon to get more job opportunities. (although that cost additional money) Probably will suck less than being hunched over and staring at boring shit on a screen, although the pay is lower. I don't have to do much fighting at all as you just stand there watching for suspicious things according to training. Krinkels (creator of Madness Combat) started his work as a security guard, although I dunno if he still has any day jobs now. When he releases his game it should give him more income though while I can't guarantee the same even if I get published.

Please donate to my Patreon! Need money, hah...

I'm not so much sure about whether or not I regret playing Smite and SC2 (and TERA) from 2014-2016, I did spend a good amount of time on them but didn't end up enjoying them as much as I did with LS. Smite had its MOBA issues and I just wasn't grindy enough to fully appreciate SC2 I guess. Overall was less depressed than I was in high school, but at the same time didn't enjoy my friendships in college as much either (of course part of that being because everyone just has less time).

Overall 2013, 2015-2016 were the worse stretches during those moments, but on average I don't think they were as bad as it was dealing with the average workweek and crappy Sunday evening feels. Animation, art and writing really is my coping mechanism for life in general and without it it's tough to function no matter how much I get paid from work. I suppressed so much hauling my ass to corporate buildings.

Fourth reread and more editing of my work is going well so far, had a decent stuff to add in as well. Overall it's still not going to read like a normal book though. I guess the last edits I was still unsure where to edit, maybe it just takes many times to be familiar enough with the work to improve it. New animation isn't going to be here anytime soon, I started it in late May.

Also have a more proper plan B if Shade doesn't publish or make much money, finished that novel in late May. Probably still overall going to edit a bit more though it's weight off my chest and another work of mine that I'm more proud of. Overall if I had more focus, ideas it would've been done by the end of last year.

Finished Iliad reread and the Witchwood Crown. Comments... Iliad has a lot of surprising animal metaphors during the fighting and Greek gods are still crazy. As for the Witchwood Crown I got quite into it, didn't realize how much I missed reading due to work. Favorite characters are Nezeru, Jarnulf, and Unver, even if Unver didn't get as much time on the pages. Simon and Miriamele seem a bit boring old ass, and Morgan was well-written and realistic. I also read the Heart of What Was Lost last year but it was pretty short though.

Norns have slavery but apparently the mortals don't? Realistically those in medieval times peasants labored in shitty conditions too though. (Serfs vs slaves?) and I'm pretty sure many cultures had slaves? Overall the mortals seem too "peaceful" to be realistically humans, but this also makes them look good compared to the Norns. 

I guess I had to realize to be authentically just honest with myself... In 2016 even though I generally did well enough in the law and legal classes my heart and mind were in my own fantasy worlds, even if those had their own shortcomings. It's a very strange way to put it. Still in 2017 I thought that the job wouldn't kill me as bad as it did but it turned out that if I kept it up for another few months I would've been squeezed dry.

It's likely that I'll never be neurotypical so that means jobs are going to kill me on the inside until I can make more sustainable income writing someday...
  • Listening to: Madoka OST in my head again
  • Reading: who knows soon?
  • Watching: Mahou Shoujo Site
  • Playing: SC2
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Sucked enough at the job. Last day is Wednesday, then need to find new one. Hopefully I can get around the same or higher hourly rate without having to burn myself out on boring work.

I want to say that it's just the job and that it's possible to find a better one but still it sucks... Looking back on the past 8 months besides the 2 weeks off being free, I haven't found a decent balance at all even after cutting down a lot on gaming (and play Magic a lot less since February too), not with writing, animating, or drawing, and my sleeping patterns aren't good either, although I didn't get a second insomnia attack yet. I haven't been able to balance a social life outside of Magic. I don't know if there's a trick to enjoying the job at all either. So I don't look forward to grinding this out for another 40 years even if I eventually get raises or more vacation time. Compared to my 4 years of college (including all of the depressive spells) the working grind sucks -- even the worst days were probably overall more productive than the average grind from Mon. thru Fri... I don't think it really helps me improve as a person either, overall it means less social interaction as well as having to sit in front of a screen.

I just want to relax a bit when unemployed. It has been hard for me to do so Friday through Sunday to be honest (since that's when I can also put in the brunt of writing, drawing etc. and Fri. night/Sat morning I am still trying to recover from coffee), even though I usually don't have that many chores. Parents haven't yelled at me that much. Maybe I go volunteer more.

Played some EDH and Smite the last weekend. I guess Smite is more convenient since real life interaction is more draining. Maybe I could be more extroverted if I was more shallow somehow. Still was too lazy to try out the new gods in Smite, although the ones I use might be outdated... Matchmaking is still overall mediocre and I get problematic teams more than awesome teammates usually.

Finished Violet Evergarden. Not actually that bad but still pretty cheesy overall. I liked the older brother, Diethard was a badass vs Gilbert. Also surprised the enemies didn't have their own combat doll to fight against Violet, that would be cliche but also realistic. Not looking forward to that many shows atm though. I keep up w Attack on Titan manga as well although monthly waits do kinda suck. Also watched Fate/Zero for the 5th time and still overall like it. Maybe I will rewatch Rose of Versailles which I originally watched in 2014, even though it had its corny parts it was still one of the better shows I found -- I am still going through my rewatch of LoGH.

Didn't really get to meet anybody that seemed really into the work, but I guess that's just the nature of corporations now. I guess in Japan there is more of a drinking culture but it also means longer hours and more conformity.

Still remember 6 years ago I was hooked onto LS and burning with love for Homura (random insomnia then as well and also throwing additional hours on Grief Syndrome), and could just pass time so easily with friends, both in person and online... My drawings were pretty mediocre back then and writing floundered outside of stupid fanfics, but school was much better than the 40 hour grinds. Unless I discover a really damn good game that also gives me a lot of enthusiasm to play it in general we won't be coming close to that stretch.

This really pushes me to reach out and try for publication, although that's another tall task and it takes a while to publish even after finding a willing publisher. I was more uneasy about it after graduating in June of last year, but the more I think about it there's not that much room for me to operate and truly rearrange what I created... I still feel proud in a sense and should go into some editing soon with more confidence. It's unlikely I'll get much more from Patreon unfortunately, although I changed the rewards.

I'll likely never be able to do my best quality with writing, animation unless I can somehow quit the 40-hour grinds (and although my art is still decent I would be able to produce better stuff with a more flexible schedule, although I did put effort into my most recent works), or I'll have to rearrange my formatting entirely. Looking back I'm still slightly disappointed regarding my creations from 2015-mid-2017, but I can't say I didn't try -- work was as lame as I thought after all and it's probably better to burn out following a dream, just like Rider. 2016 was probably my worst stretch, although I got a bit too hedonistic in 2017 and 2015 had its own issues too (although I didn't let anxiety swallow me up completely like in 2013)

We're running down the final stretch with a Plan B as well which hopefully might serve as a backup. Originally I made a spin off/prequel series in 2015 but after a while I figured out it really wasn't going anywhere. This one is a reboot of Zusa from way back in 2013 (and up to mid 2014 I wasn't even supposed to put it on hiatus in the first place) and took way too long (started May 2016), but better late than never for me as always. Unlikely that I'll actually make a longer animation regarding the series though.

  • Listening to: Madoka OST in my head again
  • Reading: Iliad, Witchwood Crown
  • Watching: Mahou Shoujo Ore
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
The working life has made me pretty pathetic. Went back to writing more consciously, hit with a case of insomnia and not drawing. Still training/exercising so I'm not a fatty yet! Other good things were that the Dominaria prerelease was pretty good with crapton of legends, may draft more of the set in the future, it's pretty funky. Not as many opportunities to just chill and play EDH though, although I have stuff for another one. (The Demonlord Belzenok guy) Not even as much energy to really play video games. Geh.

Memories are flooding back of better times is all. Makes depression worse than it already is too, but there's not much to remember as the working weeks go by now. Maybe it's better than just watching TV for me at least. Still overall proud of the writings I did get done... But I did dump a lot of hours drawing too ha.

I'm around halfway through Violet Evergarden, it's okay I guess. Started another rewatch of Fate/Zero for one reason or another... Dunno if I'm really going to hound for shows.

I don't know about meeting new people yet. Will try to just... get more writing done, at least for this month. No days off, and only Memorial Day next month.

Made a Patreon so please donate! Everything counts, because I am paying pseudo-rent now, even a dollar helps. I'll probably keep advertising it! And I'll try my best to reward my patrons.
  • Listening to: Madoka OST in my head again
  • Reading: Iliad, Witchwood Crown
  • Watching: Baji videos every day
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
No days off this month. Kind of sucks. Not getting a raise at work anytime soon, I shouldn't be that unhappy about my hourly wage... I guess still complaining about taxes ha. I doubt I'll ever find the job enjoyable, some days are just so slow. I tried to make new friends with an app called We3 but got nothing. Will probably still occasionally go to play some Magic.

Nothing new really. Did meet up with some old high school friends and might reconnect with some more, still not my closest friend from way back though. Kino's Journey 2017 was pretty good. It might've actually been one of my early influences when I watched the original way back in 2010. I can relate to Kino and how growing up means you get a lobotomy haha. Maybe one day I will be bored enough to just take off and travel...

Got back into BajiQuan training since quitting Muay Thai, no one to really practice with though and stance training is still boring and painful. Ordered a standing bag to practice with, might upload videos just for my own sake even if I practice poorly. Maybe when I'm an old man I'll look at that and laugh.

Still reading philosophy a bit for now, not that much to write on though.

Overall I can't regret my college years that much -- I tried. I needed those large gaps of time, sophomore year I still don't really regret The Sky and most of my writing. I probably won't have another big gap of time like that where I can just be creative for a while now.

Finished my animation, took a while cause of voice... And work slows down the pace so much. I don't know if I'll have the energy to really go hardcore into it, I still don't have that much room to just write:

  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: Bernard Williams
  • Watching: Baji videos every day
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Still not really getting to enjoy my job. It isn't the worst, but it still eats up so much time and energy. Some days after I get home I still feel pretty frustrated. Still drawing a bit though and might have animation done later this month... Wish I had the space to write more as well too. For the most part I can't just shut off my mind and accept the world like most people, so I feel all of these workweeks really are wearing me down inside. Just being forced to sit down (and not randomly browse or think) may be an issue. Didn't get fatter luckily enough, though. Still, the only real vacations would be long weekends... Is Memorial Day next? and the Christmas break.

Also old enough to complain about taxes now, it's risen to over 25% recently :/ Although I suppose many humanities majors are still either stuck in debt or doing lower-paying jobs...

Shadow of the Colossus for PS4 looks pretty good, even if the gameplay is pretty much the same. I love all the added details on the cliffs and rocks in the background, all of the grass looks better too. Now just wish they made a second one with more colossi, hah. Really takes me back to the summer of 2011 when I first played it, how the years have just gone by... As I get older maybe there's just going to be more and more nostalgia. On the other hand EBF5 is taking longer than expected, sure that will be good too though... Not looking towards any more games in particular. Decided that I had to cut out a lot of gaming to keep other hobbies alive. I guess in a sense I still need room to be creative.

Also thought of Madoka again and was thrown back to the past haha. Still no sequel after Rebellion came out in 2013.

Started Muay Thai training and had to buy equipment. Pretty interesting but my cardio sucks is all, and as always I'm not that flexible, even if it doesn't particularly require higher kicks. Did play a bit more Magic -- I got 2-0-1, and 3-0 with Goblins, but at the 4K at the end of January I lost 4 straight and dropped (to D&T, Grixis Delver, and 2 Sneak and Shows) which is pretty sad I guess. Maybe one day Goblins will get more for their decklists :/ Probably not going to spend more on another deck, really pricey to do so even if I build off of existing pieces from Pox.

No more Filthy Frank this year which is pretty sad. I didn't follow any new Youtube channels, eh.

Yuki Yuna S2 was a letdown, but at the same time that's kinda expected of a sequel. I watched through Fate/Apocrypha, a lot of random things in fights and the plot wasn't that good either but not bad I guess? Jeanne and Mordred were probably my favorites, Sieg still seemed like a Gary Stu overall to me, Sisigi(?) the muscle man didn't really have much of a backstory either... They crammed 14 duos instead of the usual 7 I guess, making it really awkward. Dunno what I'm going to watch next, I did start Kino no Tabi 2017, but overall that one is also a remake, so there's nothing that new in it besides improved production values.

I still feel like in a sense many adults really just turn off their minds to conform to the system, much like Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye? Existential anxiety and guilt, heh. I suppose a lot of people are worn down from working life.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: Heidegger
  • Watching: Yuki Yuna S2
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
First month or so I was just pretty bitter about losing one of my main sources of support, it didn't end too well either. New therapist didn't really help much at all, I was pretty clumsy with the conversation myself. Going to CMAC two times a week and for 3ish hours each day became a more draining, but did have less classwork with only 3 classes. Still, I passed a lot of time on Granblue Fantasy and watching janky Thunder games, both of which were sort of ugly and pointless in their own ways. Thunder did have a lot of good games but I also sat through a number of blowouts.

February mood improved a bit I guess. I got to watch and read Mahouiku, which was pretty enjoyable overall, especially after only watching mediocre stuff last month. (Although I'm not sure when more light novels or anime seasons will come out) GATE S2 wasn't that great though. Only went out once with my CMAC group on a Sunday, was pretty fun though. In March new Zelda came out -- decent distraction from mediocre life, for around 2 weeks at least. I didn't get too much done on Spring Break, and by the end of March my PC started screwing up my drawing software. As for writing, I finished Legend of Shade 2 in mid-February, but pondered on what to do next for a good two weeks. Was still hard returning to Zusa...

April to mid-June the mood improved a little along with the weather? Had some fun chats in Mahouiku Discord as well. Returned to Chivalry Medieval Warfare late April I believe, even though I didn't get too into it. Also was pretty hype about EBF5, which hopefully will come out soon. Still, the days went by and I wasn't particularly making the best out of my last remaining time at college, even though I had two additional free days (Tues. and Thurs.) I also put off finishing my big animation project which is overall pretty bad. When I finished Zusa's transformation sequence I felt underwhelmed and didn't want to do another fighting scene. The buggy software continued, resetting my PC a bunch, probably overall delayed me 1-2 hours a week. Remember back in 2014 I got really mad at my PC randomly shutting down, and now it has this problem on top of that. Maybe should have bought a new one earlier in the year.

I graduated and played Horizon Zero Dawn but didn't get that much time to relax. I started rereading Legend of Shade in July, still overall didn't have the confidence that I wanted. The weeks continued to pass without me clicking much on animation or writing until late into the month when I started Legend of Shade 3. It looked like redemption finally the first two weeks or so (and got new idea for animation), but soon enough I had more hoops to go through for employment. Working at Harry's was pretty tiring, but for the beginning I thought it'd manage. 2 week office job in September, I was still feeling fairly confident, I busted in three 13-hour workdays. For now I thought I could enjoy things a bit at least, I was getting back into Magic with the Legacy scene as well. Pox was decently fun but decided to transition to Goblins soon which was the right call.

The one week vacation didn't really feel like much, especially because I still had night shifts at the restaurant. In late September to October I had both paperwork fiascos and a minor car accident, luckily it didn't cost me too much money but I still had to put in a lot of hours with my dad to fix it. My job was pretty boring, and continued to be pretty boring as November rolled around. I felt kind of silly that although I had lucked out on many things in life I was still overall pretty depressed. I played some (DDLC and then) Hollow Knight which was a fun distraction, even though I didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed games when I was in high school. I was also animating a lot less unfortunately, even though I also cut back on drawing by now. Kekkai Sensen & Beyond was a Saturday treat, but beyond that there wasn't that much great in life at all. Being a working adult was noticeably less enjoyable than most of my life before, I couldn't spend so much energy on hobbies and fun things, I'd summarize.

December has been better since I reached out a bit on Facebook and got the support of a wonderful person, not to mention a winter break a bit. Went on a long drive (7+ hours) down to SoCal (near the college) to meet up for a bit too, nothing much after happened. May still get pretty salty come Valentine's and I don't have plans for the future if worst comes to worst, but that's how I've always been.

Also having finished Kekkai Sensen & Beyond I guess overall I'd say it was pretty good, finale was a bit underwhelming though. Liked the character development on Chain, C.C. and such, but still not done on Steven and Klaus who are just pretty straightforwards. Overall the Libra characters are a bit too OP compared to their enemies, but it is still overall entertaining and the animation and action sequences are good. Would stick around for a 3rd season.

In conclusion trying to do 3-6 hours a day of animating, drawing, creative work seems way too draining by now, unless on the weekends. I had averaged that during many creative peaks in late 2014 and in 2015 (with still time for games on the side, ha). And yet so many things I've left unwritten and undrawn is frustrating.

Major goals for next year is probably either get a raise, a more interesting job, or finally a good job and maybe publish, hah, but I guess a lot of stuff is outside my control there. I'm not too sure how much animation I can do either -- might have to compromise that if I also want to keep writing and other stuff alive. No new hobbies really interest me at the moment. Would like to move out into my own apartment but that does mean more work I guess. As far as saving money I don't think I need to change my spending habits that much, spent over 1K on Magic this year, might do so next year to make another deck.

Overall I have noticed, the art since I've started working feels rushed, many seem undone as well. I guess I am overall too tense when thinking that I need to wake up early to do work the next day, and it's also hard to unwind and just accept that I spent 9-10 of the past hours of the day (because traffic and meals) grinding out boring shit on the computer.

Ordered a box of Eternal Masters: Pulled a Mana Crypt (around 70 bucks even if Legacy banned) so can't be too sad about it, got Deathrite Shaman, Visara, Mystical Tutors as other good rares, but overall kind of underwhelmed, wanted Wasteland or Force of Will, and only 1 Brainstorm, 2 Daze, and no Swords to Plowshares as the uncommons. :P Got more than a set of Emperor Crocodile haha...

At the moment my main New Year's Resolutions are moving out and living independently. I'm probably overall a bad cook and will just make pasta most of the time since it's the cheapest though. Will probably move back to SoCal because it is much cheaper and most of my close friends are there by now, haven't made any close friendships back in my hometown, even if it means looking for a new job (that might pay less). Of course every now and then I'm still going to yearn for the past and those high school days, and it also means having to find a new game center if I want to continue playing Magic. I am not sure how much commitment I can have to other projects if I want to keep a full-time job, ha. I'll just have to deal with an angry dad if that's not the "right" decision.

But in the end, following my heart has given me the most happiness in life after all. The days of being able to do philosophy as a student in most of my waking hours is over, I've got crummy office work for bills, but the night life must somehow live on. I have a dumb feeling right now that 2018 is going to be a better year. Still end up feeling a bit too much pressure to try and enjoy or make the most out of my 20s.

Probably still have it better than my brother if he has to grind out med school though. Many of the people from my hs are probably just fully integrated into the system by now, although they might still be bored and lonely.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: who knows now
  • Watching: Yuki Yuna S2
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Took around over 4 weeks in order to finish all the conversion of the old videotapes, then one and a half weeks to upload them. Now I think I'm mostly just doing PowerPoint editing at work. If all goes well (more paperwork) I can work 40 hours starting the 27th, but hopefully I'm not bored to death by the job. I don't know about the contractor status still, if I do well enough I might be able to spend more than just one year here and hopefully get a raise.

I should be thankful of my privileges and whatnot, still don't have to pay rent/food I guess and the gas bill isn't that high, but even then it's just hard to be who I am in such a dull corporate system. Many starving artists these days are probably stuck with dishwasher wages still though and squeeze ramen noodle money from Patreon... Most humanities majors also probably don't make much, ha.

Aside from the inefficiencies and boredom, waking up early everyday is also a pretty big pain in the butt. Technically my schedule is flexible but it's probably not good if I try to do like a noon to 8 schedule, heh. Since I want to avoid the traffic 8 hrs I'm guessing would look like 7:30-4:00 maybe. I still need 7ish hours of sleep to function decent though and maybe a bit more if I count naps.

Got Legacy Goblins, for now I got 2 2-1s, 2 1-2s, one 0-3, and 3-4 at the ChannelFireball 4K, which was overall pretty neat. I am spicing it up by adding Chalice of the Void in maindecks for now, I'm not sure if 4 is a must but it would overall help I believe, also Sudden Demise as a board wipe, prob. mostly effective in D&T and Elves matchup. Pox just has too many problems for me to seriously invest in right now I guess. Most of the decks at CFB are fair & control decks really, one guy is Show and Tell and I've also seen Elves and Storm.

Overall though I'd say hoarding Magic cards isn't really worth all the time and boredom caused by being a working adult.

I also made a Modern deck that's budget, still need to edit it, only went to Free Tuesday once and lost 0-3 with mostly mana shortages, lol.

Kekkai Sensen & Beyond is still pretty fun for now. I also picked up Mahoutsukai no Yome, 3 eps in, which is pretty in a sense but not that entertaining, Elias' head is pretty cool and the dragons turning into trees reminds me of the Ender's Game series where the pequininos (spelling?) turned into trees, ha.

Played Doki Doki Literature Club, fun game, my favorite is Natsuki for obvious reasons. Wish the game was longer or we get a sequel, Monika was interesting. Started playing Hollow Knight which is fun but not that interesting, reminds me of the old days when I'd play Super Meat Boy (in summer 2011 before 11th grade), gameplay was so simple but I enjoyed it so much back then heh. Shadow of the Colossus on PS4 is coming February which is pretty good news. New Zeldas will still have to wait till 2021 and beyond though.

Nothing special for Thanksgiving really, my brother is still on the East Coast studying in med school. At least an extra day off I guess. Also I think it's 2 weeks off for Christmas break? Maybe only 1. Still remember in winter break 2011 that I would just throw away 7+ hours on games (Grief Syndrome and Lost Saga) back then...
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: who knows now
  • Watching: Kekkai Sensen and Beyond, Mahoutsukai no Yome
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
The job that pays $20/hr is pretty silly for now, all I'm doing for the most part is watching old tapes and converting them in Adobe Premiere Pro, so it's usually just sitting on my ass staring at exporting bars. Probably going to be doing something new in the middle of next week. Although that should be easy I had to go through a lot of stress the past 3 weeks -- since the company that pays me is out of state, the paperwork needed wasn't like the other jobs, and even now I'm not sure if I won't get fired the next week.

Since I worked a 56 hour week, a 48 hour week the first 2 weeks of September and so forth I haven't been able to draw or write as much as I had hoped for. My PC is still having problems with drawing software and stuff, I may buy a new one at the end of the year. Thinking about it it is still dropping maybe $400-$500 for a decent laptop though...

Magic has gone a bit better than I expected. 3-0d once vs. Show and Tell, Goblins, and Elves (Engineered Plague in SB just too strong), 2-1ed once, and 1-3, and a handful of 1-2s. Not that bad considering Pox isn't great in the meta. Goblins is almost complete needing 1 Cavern of Souls that's really coming in late in the mail. Met up with an old friend from hs, but he plays Modern while I play Legacy. Will probably go to the Legacy 4K on the 29th, even though it's $40 entry, probably with Goblins. Probably not going to do much Limited, Ixalan isn't particularly exciting.

May splash white in Pox to give it better options against blue control with Jace the Mind Sculptor, although that's not cheap at all, buying duallands and shit.

Still probably need to hound around for a second job -- the job is only 28 hours and the restaurant isn't giving me more hours for now, eh.

Watched episode 1 of Kekkai Sensen and Beyond, looked pretty good, animation and everything. Prisma Illya finished, that show just keeps going on and going I guess, I prob won't bother with manga.

Guess not that much more to write about, work keeping me busy. If I do move out to get an apartment, even if I share, the rent is pretty damn expensive in this area. I guess compared to many young people I'm privileged, but I dunno, many people who shared the same high school with me and such went to Ivy Leagues, and I know someone who is in the top 1 percent for her age bracket. ($60 hourly rate, ha)
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: who knows now
  • Watching: Kekkai Sensen and Beyond
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Last 2 weeks have been pretty busy with work although nothing really interesting.

13+ hour days with 2 jobs last Tuesday, Thurs., and this Tues. The second job besides the restaurant was a normal schedule temp job for $14/hr grading K-8 tests at a school. Taxes do make me kind of upset but not that bad compared to many other countries. Not that proud of myself or anything, Korean immigrants worked 16+ hr days average and CEOs claim to have worked for 2 days straight.

Much caffeine needed for those long days, last week I was utterly drained as I took no coffee Saturday and was just pretty crashed after drinking many cups Tues.-Fri. This week is a bit easier, I finished grading job early and so I was able to catch up a bit on sleep today.

Starting a good job finally that pays $20+/hr on the 25th, a multimedia assistant although idk what exactly I'll be doing. I think I got the job, but I still have to do some more online applications and stuff.

Other strategy might be getting a Paralegal degree, although I'm not sure how much that would help, most Paralegal jobs seem to require 5+ years of experience haha.

Magic yesterday was my first Legacy event and it worked a bit better than expected, I took my Pox and won 1 round vs Reanimator, lost the other 2 to Lands and Grixis Delver. I got a Scarab God from the HoD pack as you get shit as long as you win 1 round, although I can't imagine myself building an EDH around him, which would be the most likely thing. Everyone really does dump $2000 average on the Legacy decks haha, I think I can get a good Goblins for under $1000 though.

Next month S2 of Kekkai Sensen comes out, hope that's good I guess. Watching Prisma Illya 4th season (3wei I think) and it's a bit better than I expected it to be.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: who knows now
  • Watching: Prisma Illya 3wei
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Well I've been working in a restaurant since Monday. Managed not to get fired. Lots of business, running back and forth on the line to replace food, hot trays, cold freezers, heavy plates and all, learned some basic cooking skills too. A bit tiring but luckily I was already in decent shape, most of the other kitchen workers are Mexican/Latin American, many men look well into their 40s and older as well. Only night shifts so only 30 hours in 5 days so far, but I may work today and tomorrow. Pay is around $12.50/hr which is minimum wage here, but since I have privilege of rich ass parents for now I don't have to pay food and rent and other utilities, plus they give a free meal on each workday, the food is pretty good. Will still try to apply for office jobs I guess. Compared to many of my peers from hs I'm pretty far behind, but others probably struggle to find jobs. The alcoholic bum who was evicted in my senior year of college is probably still lagging way behind.

I dunno, when my grandpa immigrated to the U.S. he started work as a dishwasher as well before he learned basic Data Entry with really old computers. In Taiwan he was sort of a community college prof. for Physics.

Besides saving the money I think I will spend on cardboard crack aka Magic the Gathering. I am dumb Legacy player besides Limited, my Pox deck already has a solid core and just needs some more cards, although they are expensive. Usually have to drive pretty far for Legacy events though, my local area usually plays more Modern and EDH. Too bad my old friends from hs won't really talk to me anymore, sad yeah. Realistically speaking Pox decks aren't really meta, Grixis Delver and BUG decks seem the main decks to beat in Legacy, plus having to deal with all the combo decks... I don't know besides Pox I also like Goblins. At least Legacy is probably still more fun than Standard, although they really ought to shrink the reserved list, lands are stupid pricey. I still remember back in 2011 when Pox didn't even have Liliana I would experiment with Loam Pox, BW Pox and stuff with my friend who would run Zoo (which is pretty much extinct in Legacy now) on Cockatrice online.

Got Starcraft: Remastered, for now I'll still play Protoss. New hotkeys will take a while to settle in but my APM is still decent for now. Still think that SC2 looks better visually, but the remastered graphics aren't bad.

Haven't been watching much anime, watching MM! old anime from 2010. Although art style and animation could be better it's not too bad, my favorite was Mio, Arashiko wasn't bad and the rest of the female cast was only okay. Still enjoyed it more than I expected to.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: who knows now
  • Watching: Re Creators, LoGH again
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: random food
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Turned 22. Only had a little party but I guess better than nothing. Maybe it will just be nothing once I hit 29-30 and I live by myself unless I'm lucky enough to get a decent gf or close friends.

Submitted application to several jobs, no response from them really. Paralegal is most likely given my choice of major (Philosophy/Law and Society), a lot of the jobs on indeed look like they value Accounting degrees as well as Business/CompSci as expected. My brother is heading to med school in a few days, although it is a big investment for the family as he won't make any good money for 8ish years. A good number of my friends from high school are still taking extra quarters/semesters to get all their required classes I guess.

Bought Horizon Zero Dawn and Guilty Gear Xrd Rev. 2 on PS4. GGXrd requires PlayStation Plus to play online but I've played some matches with my brother -- he's pretty inexperienced at fighting games and sadly enough GG isn't as newbfriendly as Smash Bros., Injustice, Street Fighter etc. Wish that the Digital Figure mode let you put more than just 10 characters on it too. Watched a bit of EVO -- looks like May is good enough in this version to really start to contend I guess. SSBM part looked like pretty much the same stuff as always. Aside from May which I played on SIGN early last year, I might pick up Jack-O and Johnny, they both seem fun. Might possibly buy 2K18 but sports games aren't that fun imo... Hopefully Shadow of the Colossus on PS4 gives some cool new Easter eggs at least -- if not, I'm not sure if I wanna pay $60 just for updated graphics. Not sure if I want an extra hard mode with extra sigils and extra lifebar too, hard mode is already pretty challenging if I recall. Would still buy new games from Ico Studios, looking back on it the Last Guardian was pretty fun even if it was short.

Looking back at the past I threw in so much time and energy on Lost Saga... Even ignoring the lag, imba and bad community the combo system wasn't that great. Still I haven't found a fighter that really expands on the things it did right. Dunno, I think in 2013-2014 I was a lot more ragier at the time I kept dumping into it. Now it's just meh, ha.

Haven't been playing much PC games, I gifted Chivalry to a friend with Summer sale but I'm still a good amount better at him and he's not rank 15 yet so he can't join rooms and stuff. He doesn't really use any particular class but said he struggles more with Archer.

As for Horizon Zero Dawn I beat it once and I'm not really going to bother much with New Game+. There really isn't much melee combat at all and even though the gameplay is smooth enough one really does get tired of just doing run & shoot arrows. The story was pretty good I guess, I expected the game to be a little longer... In the end I prefer Zeldaish games rather than just a fetchquest style where you have to run over the map. And I haven't really gotten much farther in the new Zelda either. I played it on Hard so it was decently challenging, but I wish that they threw in more enemies rather than just having you fight a DeathBringer and a bunch of other strong enemies in the end. I mostly just used the Shadow Hunter Bow with some good mods, and occasionally Tripcaster.

Continued rewatching Legend of the Galactic Heroes recently I'm on season 3. Looking back even though a lot of the plots ended up with loose ends and stuff (Phezzan and Terraist cult) it was a pretty good show compared to most animes. Rewatched Mahouiku, not really watching anything else atm.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: who knows now
  • Watching: Re Creators, LoGH again
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: rice and stuff
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Graduation ceremony is tomorrow morning, so likely coming home that night or Tuesday. Not much else, finals wasn't too troublesome although I don't know how hard it'll be to get a job. Didn't graduate with any special honors either. Yesterday I talked with a friend for a while and he sort of agreed that it's hard to apply philosophy much on both a personal and political scale if we want to be accurate.

Finished Attack on Titan S2, getting flashbacks much earlier fit in decently well. Hopefully S3 comes out next year as announced and not another 4 year wait. Also watched the 1st two Yuki Yuna movies and they were alright, although the second one had too many SoL shenanigans that weren't executed that well. Hopefully S2 that comes out this fall will expand on the plot... The fight scenes are alright but the Vertex are just simple monsters if I recall.

Kind of on the second season of WIXOSS. Also picked up Re Creators yesterday, not that much to say about it so far. Got Horizon Zero Dawn and Guilty Gear Xrd Rev 2, will have stuff to say about those hopefully.

Hopefully I can finish my big animation project in the next month or so. I'm still mostly dealing with integrating SFX/voice and not redrawing really, hah.

Anyways here are my comments on some goals and shortcomings in college, I guess:

When I entered college in 2013 I still didn't have a clear goal in mind for either animation or writing. Summer was just unproductive. Was doing animation portfolio with 5-6 characters, but even that was random and unorganized really, the extra layer of shading took a toll on my patience too. Making the Zusa OP was the easiest thing that came to mind, and it was somewhat syncable after I did the original transformation sequence. I was able to finish Zusa's Misadventures story by the end of October, although at the end it was still sort of randomly thrown together.

Mature Content

Candor Shade character intro by Candor-Shade

Getting fanfiction back helped a bit once I went on Christmas break in December. Spent a good amount of time doing game animations with Zusa attacks and such yet that never got off the ground (sprites aren't even colored). I had a set plan once 2014 rolled around though. I finished the Hanabi animation of my portfolio by the end of January, and started plugging in real work on Legend of Shade. I still felt rather crappy about everything and wasn't really enjoying my work.

When February rolled around I started Zusa's Legacy. I really didn't think it through and I wanted to capture a big story before the action with narration and all, meaning that I spent most of the month doing less exciting work. In mid-March my tablet stopped working as well. Redeeming factor for me was that Legend of Shade seemed to be making its own decent progress.

Spring Quarter I still felt rather tired and damn hot with the weather. It was pretty stupid of me in retrospect to make the opponents so big with so much detail. I still didn't use much gradients or alpha so my effects still looked rather cheesy, and overall I still did hair pretty poorly. In late April I moved to writing Zusa's Journey, but as May passed by I wasn't really getting into the story as much as I hoped, even if it was an improvement over the initial Zusa. I kept on trucking in June while still feeling pretty shitty and didn't really manage to relax. As you can kind of see the hair and flame effects, movements were really still lackluster then.
2014 Project preview by Candor-Shade

After my birthday on the 11th of July (which I had a decent celebration for) I hopped back to Legend of Shade and began to really find my groove in the story at the end of the month. I wasn't animating any big projects in particular even though I was playing around with Flash. Mid-August I was also clicking with a new animation, and I found a new game in Smite and good anime in Rose of Versailles. In mid-September I really got into the groove and wrote almost every day, making my story much bigger than expected -- I animated a lot too even if I was playing Starcraft 2 on the side. I guess I had more time and energy since I wasn't really in my martial arts club then, and I finally managed to get my own apartment during sophomore year.

After finishing Legend of Shade, in December of that year I worked on a short Zusa animation and tried to figure out how to make a Unity game, but that also fell short. We only had 2 weeks off for winter break (and my finals went to Thursday) so I couldn't get that much done, and I was sick for a few days too. Still I was pretty deep into my main animation project even though it took pretty long to get the forest scene done, and Smite was pretty fun on the side. I didn't plan much for the future and maybe just wished for the good luck to continue.
Hiatus/Redesign by Candor-Shade

I wanted to just see how far I could push myself with my animation portfolio so I put a hiatus in general writing for a couple of months.. But in reality I guess even just doing Quinity's short segment was stressful enough. I didn't have that much experience with lightning effects, saiyan auras before, I guess that one ended decently. Ice effects are even harder for me with Maira, and I discovered after 2-3 hours of drawing my hand cramps and I can't draw that many good curves. Flames effects are probably the easiest for me, although I could have given more explosions with Zusa. Just needed generally more effects and effort with Shade and Shane in the end. Still impressive that I did this while kind of juggling the heavy work with the dragon/volcano scene in The Sky.

My next story, Tales of Quinity started out as I had expected. Soon enough however both the plot and the characters felt iffy and there just weren't that many interesting things to put in. I still was pretty productive with the work, even if I didn't muster the pace I had gone with at the end of 2014. In late May I started the sequel to Legend of Shade, but I discovered it just wasn't that exciting despite me having enough ideas for it. Personal issues got to me, as you can see from my old journal posts. As for my animation, I had delays and ran short on ideas after the dragon-volcano scene. All I knew is I wanted to add more of my OCs into it. I guess positive thing was that I actually liked Legend of Shade when I fully reread the work in early May.

I couldn't do much with the cityscape in The Sky because buildings just require so much detail, probably more than I had used on the volcano-dragon scene. Still, the biggest flaw was not putting enough effort into the scene where Shade flies past Mimi as she carries laundry. Animating Caenus was hard to do, and it was a preview of what would have to come for my next major project. My backgrounds for Icen City were pathetic too. As for my story, I probably should have given Lukais more achievements as the first 60,000 words or so did seem kind of scattered since I had so many characters.

Goodbye Flash by Candor-Shade

When I got back to school in September I kind of started to get more into writing. My supporting characters were being fleshed out, even if everything didn't click like it had with Caenus and Maira. I thought that one way or another things would generally end up working out in that area -- on the other hand, finding the motivation to animate became more difficult, even though I had pretty big gaps of time to do so. Even though my artstyle or backgrounds didn't improve by that much drawing two dudes fighting really does take a toll on me. In addition although working in ToonBoom was more efficient, backing up the file took significantly more time, and it did still glitch up every now and then. I drew some big compilation artworks, but they didn't motivate me that much or make me feel as proud as the previous year.
Ocs 2008-2015 by Candor-Shade

2016 started out okay I guess. I was writing at a moderate pace while resuming pace with animation and also drawing a good amount on the side. I really began to refine my art as well, developing more polished hair and clothes wrinkles and such -- although you can say that I didn't improve as much as I wanted with monsters, dragons and backgrounds. Still, even if my mood wasn't as bad as it was in Winter 2014, I just wasn't into my projects that much. Overall the first segment of Jaren and Shade felt really slow even without the dialogue. I probably could've made Shade's flight path a lot more freeform during his attacks. In addition I felt like I didn't have that many ideas with my novel, Hanabi's side stories were beginning to be a lot more interesting than the main plot at least for me.

I was able to push on for one more month or so in April. Then I sort of hit a motivational lapse with my art as well. Somehow I trucked on with my animation -- it was slightly more interesting as the pace sped up but I was still disappointed that I hadn't really reached the stage where Jaren goes saiyan mode. I decided to more or less put Legend of Shade on hiatus and started writing the remake of Zusa's Misadventures, only to run into difficulty there as well. For the rest of Spring Quarter I just tried to truck on and hope inspiration would come in the next few months like it did in 2014. No side projects were particularly appealing either although I did make this short Maira vs Cardimon sequence.

Summer rolled around and it was still hard to write regularly. I didn't really get into a higher gear with animation either, Jaren's saiyan form was harder to animate although I didn't think I had that many more details -- my music guy was delaying giving me his music as well. I developed pretty good improvement in drawing, although I only experimented with pen and ink and wasn't good enough to develop it more. When I reread Legend of Shade in late August, I did end up finding motivation to put in a few of my edits, but at the same time I wanted to keep a lot of it intact, even if I wasn't that pleased with it then. I expected there was more to add to the story and that I'd be more inspired but that was another disappointment. I still trucked on through that pain and I don't think I wasted that much time on games. Even though I didn't get that much done with Zusa I still set a basic framework for the story, you could say.

My mood did improve as I returned to school in September but I still didn't get into that good of a writing groove. I was still inspired enough to make a few more good drawings, although I didn't have as much motivation to draw Maira as I had expected, plus I had to move to using Krita due to the new tablet. As for the animation, it didn't get any easier with Shade's transformation, and looking back perhaps I was still rigid and lacking... Slowing it down for a few seconds in the final fight before the shield thing probably would have been a good idea?
Arrie Flustered by Candor-Shade

I wanted to more or less finish up my animation and story over winter break but my dad kind of got in the way, ranting like crazy and stuff. I don't blame myself too much for that but it still was pretty shitty. The me of 2012 would have completely broke down in such circumstances, but that's not much consolation. Hoped that I had made more drawings during this time, but the drawings that I did make did end up taking a good number of hours to finish. In general I thought I had more to write with my novel, and it was still hard trying to wrap a long story up.

I spent January in a pretty big slump even though I had more time to spend outside of classes and such. Even though I liked Maira her character development seemed to fall short somewhere. I wasn't too sure of what I wanted to do after Legend of Shade either. And neither did I have too many ideas for new drawings especially after discovering how long extra patterns in clothing and background took. Playing the new Zelda didn't really give me nearly as much inspiration as I wanted, although it was fun.

Overall right now I'm still tiring pretty easily from both animation and writing but I can't see myself stopping. It's both a combination of boredom and a mysterious lack of energy, I suppose. I've considered starting a new writing project after Shade, which I dropped because the concept in general didn't feel original and bold enough. My two main ideas animations after Jaren vs Shade also had serious consideration, but I didn't muster the effort for it so I awkwardly bumbled around.

Probably overall much of what's tiring is the backgrounds I have to do. The Sky was pleasant to animate for the most part because it was my first time really doing backgrounds like that, but buildings are just not as fun to draw. I doubt that I'll be able to find an animation team anytime soon, heh. It would be hard for me to appreciate drawing backgrounds because realistically if I want them to look good it would probably take quite a while for each one.

Most productive year was sophomore year, and I was decently productive till the end of 2015. Perhaps I really just suffered a bad burnout. It's not the worst that could happen as many more years could stretch on... The worst year in overall mood was my freshman year, only near the end of the year did I really feel comfortable with my roommate. (I was still getting used to having to resist college brainwashing as well) Depending on how you factor in drawing and animation productivity, my senior year and freshman year are around similarly tied in lowest productivity.

If we count five and a half years since 2012, from certain perspectives the only real thing I improved on is dealing with pain -- I haven't gotten a good grasp of how to just have fun or be happy. In the last few months of 2011, it felt like life would get better even if it had ups and downs -- I had pretty cool friends even if I was playing too much Lost Saga... I don't know. For most of my life since teenage years I didn't have much to look forwards to, since I wasn't interested in too many things. Blame the autism.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: who knows now
  • Watching: Re Creators, WIXOSS
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: rice and stuff
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Sounds kind of dramatic even though nothing too exciting is going on in life. I graduate in a month or so in mid-June and still don't really have a job set up.

I watched MaiDragon and I guess I liked it. Things were awkward when ep13 tried to make things heavy though. Kanna and Saikawa are still too small but still cute I guess; Lucoa and Shouta were really just there for fanservice and not really funny either, so I would have wanted to see more of Elma and Fafnir. Still enjoyed K-On and Haruhi more back in the day, and for that matter YuruYuri. I don't know what I'm going to watch next really.

Attack on Titan S2 is pretty well-adapted. I still remember the first season feeling dragged out with so much recap at the beginning of episodes and stuff. Like most fans I disapprove of the CGI used for Colossal Titan. I read up to the current chapter of the manga and I guess I also like the story there. It's not enough to inspire me to overcome the creative slump though.

Been playing some more Chivalry: Medieval Warfare, mostly as Vanguard with poleaxe. The servers are still active enough and the gameplay's decently fun even if simple. Tried to play some Smite games last week, they all were losses.

Aside from Plato's Republic and maybe the Being and Time class, our current class on Theory of Justice is probably the deepest we'd get into particular philosophies. I guess we also did do a good amount of Mill's essay Utilitarianism, but overall utilitarianism is a philosophy that needs a lot more supporting texts and definitions to quantify/calculate net happiness and such.

I guess in June I'll recap what I exactly did the last 4 years, and my shortcomings as well. Right now I was thinking of recording what time I felt wasted in college. I probably only wasted around 1/3rd of the time I did in high school with all the moping, Lost Saga, and Homura fanboying I did then.

For freshman year, I probably wasted the most time on Lost Saga especially since I knew that the game was just going to keep going downhill. I played it until the end of August 2014 pretty regularly, even though I did take a small break or two. I watched random Youtube videos a bit too you could say, and ended up hanging out with the wild kittens in the dorms' courtyard a bit too much too.

For sophomore year, it was probably Smite. Granted I didn't think I would get tired of it that badly and thought that matchmaking would improve, but still averaging 4+ games a day of a MOBA, and often a couple more than that on Fridays and Saturdays, really is a decent chunk of time. I probably should have fleshed out my art, animation, and writing more with sketches even rather than trusting the inspiration/momentum I got from 2014.

For last year (junior) it wasn't anything in particular. Probably a combination of watching Starcraft 2, watching/playing SSBM, and regularly browsing /pol/ on 4chan. I still remember how brutal the animation was on me then, along with having to deal with boring school stuff as well, so it was just trying to find some relief in life. Until around late April it was decently fun, then for 5-6 months it was pretty awkward as I had nothing I really enjoyed.

For this year I'll probably recap it all soon enough but I haven't been too productive either. I'll probably regret it depending on how long I'll have to live with parents, eh.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: Greek stories, Rawls again
  • Watching: Attack on Titan S2
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: school shit
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
Not that much to say here. I still didn't bother to beat the new Zelda, I have a bit less than half of the shrines and not many Korok seeds either, did explore quite a bit though. I kind of went back onto Starcraft 2 for a while before stopping. TERA still isn't good enough to be worth playing, and I don't see any other new MMOs being much more fun and stuff.

Hmm, not too much motivation to draw or animate. Putting off wrapping up the big animation project I had been doing a lot... The thing is that I just have to worry about so much when I draw now to maintain quality, it's hard to draw great lines on the first try and all that. Throughout almost all of 2016 there weren't that many enjoyable projects because of that, to be quite honest. Also my PC has recently been giving me trouble as both my drawing softwares refuse to work properly making me have to reboot sometimes.

And putting up growing up and preparing for a job too. I don't think that these college years will be the worst times of my life, egh. Still anxious about quite a bit of stuff you could say. I don't think that this year will be as bad as 2013 seeing that that year I had to deal with 2 mediocre projects in addition to having to watch (play, rather) as my favorite game go down the shitter in Lost Saga. Of course my parents might be even more stressful given that it's been 4 years since then and if I can't move very far up the socioeconomic ladder.

Watching the new Attack on Titan and finished Gabriel Dropout but not much else. Satania was my favorite Dropout I guess, Gabriel was pretty boring to me.

Realistically speaking I don't think I'm going to get a job that pays that much. Just hope I have good games to play or something. I know I need to relax and try to let the creativity just flow, but then I get so serious about things and it seems unfun even if I end up doing it anyways.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: Greek stories, Rawls again
  • Watching: Attack on Titan S2
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: school shit
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
I read arc 5 (Aces) of the Mahouiku/MGRP novels, waiting for the guy to finish translating Queens. Overall story was pretty good I guess. Princess Quake's backstory had me laughing out loud pretty hard.

Animation is really mostly done but my music guy is just taking a while. Then there's going to be more voices and sound effects that need work. I'm still conflicted on what to make next, there's nothing good storywise for me besides doing another fight scene. Don't think I'm ever going to give up animating regularly though, although if I quit for too long it'll be harder for me to be motivated... Of course a 40 hr job would make things a lot harder in the future.

Watched the second season of GATE. I just wish Zolzal and the Tyuuli bunny woman were better enemies in the end and that Itami did more stuff.

Haven't been playing Starcraft 2 at all since January -- meta atm looks like Adept spam and that isn't too fun for me. I still watch a good amount of the GSL though, especially since players are always topping each other. I have a better party in Granblue Fantasy with the recent event -- still no Sara (or lolis at all really) Not too much incentive to grind or do more story. Currently my squad (all SSRs now) is level 48 Nemone, Lvl 42 Anthuria, Lvl 28 Sophia, Lvl 67 Metera (Wind), and Lvl 60 Jeanne D'Arc (Dark).

I bought the new Zelda and have done the 4 Divine Beasts, just need Master Sword and Ganon... Only around 9 more Shrines to get enough Heart Containers for the sword really, I might go and fight Ganon straight-up though. Don't think I'll bother much with side quests. Thunderblight Ganon was the hardest boss for me so far, I took around 90+ minutes to beat him since I would just get hit during the second phase. Beat him by doing a couple of Flurry Rushes and being able to cycle him by knocking the shield out of his hand and just getting up close and spamming. Waterblight was the second hardest, especially because shooting the eye is weird and he doesn't fall down in convenient places during the second phase. Windblight and Fireblight seemed too easy. I did it in the order Wind > Water > Desert > Fire dungeons, it looks like all dungeons speedrun prefers desert before water. Spent a good 40+ hours on the game already, have been playing for maybe five and a half days. Gotten stuck on stupid things and overthinking like always.I beat Skyward Sword in 5 days flat in comparison... Didn't do a full replay of SS either.

Mipha was pretty cute too.

Prefer the old OoT/MM style of dungeons, although I can't be too critical of this game. I would like an expansion of sorts on MM even though I never came close to doing all masks or anything -- the mask concept and transformations were interesting to me. Like the big world and scenery, it's almost opposite from Skyward Sword's closed-world. 100% speedruns will be a drag to do though hahaha. Hope that Nintendo doesn't delay the next Zelda for 5.5 years to do the next big console release... The game was originally supposed to be out 2015 damn it.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: Aristotle and sociology stuffs
  • Watching: Gabriel Dropout
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: school shit
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
A lot has happened and not that much has happened since my last update.

Most likely not going to Law School, my parents want me to take a loan and I've also failed a good bit in my personal life as I probably don't have the conviction or cunning of a lawyer. So this past January has been feeling pretty empty for me without much emotional support. I guess overall besides just being smarter I'd want to be a better liar (or better at political guises you could say) but that skill is quite rare anyways, most likely if I was born different I'd just be a reeee normie.

I'll probably find some tutoring/teaching jobs with my degree and hopefully be able to do something creative with my life if I'm lucky. Having to live at home once I'm done with college will suck though, it's just stressful for me but my parents probably won't let me move out without a good plan.

I'm ready to transition, especially with how little happened last year, and hopefully something good happens to me, but I can't imagine putting in the work weekly to consciously improve things, if that makes sense.

I finished Durarara S2, was just kind of disappointed at how no one really died or the plot didn't progress that much in general. I don't really like the three main characters (Mikado, Masaomi, and Anri) anyways, I sort of liked Celty. Also the yakuza guy and Akane didn't really have their plot fleshed out after the first season, Aoba and his brother just kind of filled up space as well.

Been playing Granblue Fantasy, although the grinding+uncapping has recently gotten quite tedious. I have a level 20 Ogre and am Rank 50, got lucky drawing Dark version of Jeanne and the wind version of Metera but not too much since then. Jeanne can only hard carry to an extent too so I don't have that much incentive to grind through the storyline. I know Dark Fencer builds are popular/recommended but I guess I just wanted to be le hipsters. I want Sara she cute and stronk loli rhawekhrakewh in any case my party currently is Djeeta, Albert (SR from event), Io (SR), Zehek (R), Jeanne (SSR), Metera (SSR).

Watched Tales of Zestiria which was meh as piss especially considering the animation budget it got. Will watch Attack on Titan and One Punch Man S2 which are both supposed to come out this year. 4 years already for AoT and it took 4 years for something so popular to get S2 huh. Back around April 2013 I was still being a complete pleb and I guess this year probably won't be as bad as that one.

I finished Mahou Shoujo Ikusei Keikaku Saturday and it was a pretty good show. Hope for S2 and looking at the novels there's plenty to adapt from. It went a bit too fast considering the plethora of characters I guess, at least the story wasn't that predictable. My favorites were Hardgore Alice and Ripple. The outfits aren't as good as those of other shows I felt, but for the most part the fights and action were good. Maybe plot holes but you can just chalk up most of them as to the characters being stupid, Swim Swim is nutty anyways. Seems silly that they have different girls for each arc, I hope Snow White and Ripple get good roles later.

What happened at UC Berkeley was so funny with the riots about Milo and all. An exciting 4 years ahead of us, although if Trump really does something bad he should be impeached I guess.

I should have both my main animation and story from 2015 done sometime next month. It feels weird looking back on them. Improvement just comes so slow in the creative field. Won't have too much time to draw because of it, at least color drawings take quite a while now.
  • Listening to: Filthy Frank, beyatch!
  • Reading: Kant and sociology stuffs
  • Watching: GATE S2
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: school shit
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.
This may not be the worst year but I still don't want to face myself

The first two or three months started out fine and I felt like I could recover. I wasn't going balls deep into anything but was putting decent effort on everything you could say, especially because in the Fall of 2015 I didn't even animate much. I did watch a lot of Starcraft 2 and was plain frustrated that it still took so long to improve... Still, it's nothing like the time I've dumped into Lost Saga, which is over twice as much in the same time span I estimate. Although Guilty Gear Xrd had its dumb bits I didn't waste as much time as I did with waiting around for LS 1v1s like I did before...

I still can't get mad enough or regret what I did in high school that much, I mean all I recall was that I felt that shitty and didn't want to plan for the future. Lost Saga was just a pretty good distraction from that anxiety even if it may have backfired later on in the end in 2013, 2014 -- but then again that may just be my clingy personality. And I haven't changed that much now even with better self-control. I won't develop a sudden interest in law and legal work even if it's not the worst for me.

From mid-April to maybe August I didn't waste that much time on games even though I'd still watch the Koreans play SC2 -- but still didn't have enough "obligation" to prepare to grow up and whatnot. Similar feelings from summer 2015 were there, just not wanting to really enter the adult world. The good thing was that I got back into shape with basketball, some weight lifting and Martial Arts in fall quarter, but I guess unless I actually become a blue-collar worker or a personal bodyguard that isn't that relevant.

I reached Level 65 with my Archer and Slayer in TERA, which isn't too impressive and grinding the T8+ gears wasn't that fun either. Still, my TERA time is probably a lot less than Lost Saga where on my original OGP account I had 4 level 30 heroes and 1 level 50 hero -- grinding in TERA is relatively easy/simple. Still, in 2012 it was fun derping with Sol and Viking and May, more fun than most of my experiences with other games this year (granted Sol's awkwardness). Given that time seemed to pass significantly slower during high school I'm tempted to say that was all worth it, hah. Even Shadow of the Colossus on emulator and pirated Super Meat Boy were both very fun, and anime was kind of cooler back then too.

In a sense I've just failed many of my resolutions/goals for this year, even though I'm also almost done with a lot of them. I expected at least one big surge of passion, but the moments I had in October, November weren't enough. From May to most of summer my anxiety would get the better of me and I just wouldn't draw enough, putting it off till later in the night. Didn't even rewatch LoGH either though I'm up to episode 54 of it. I've improved on my art even though I'm not using more complex tools or shading, but I still wanted a few more drawings to close out this year.

Despite a lot of good luck coming my way throughout my teens my "weirdness" probably should have been addressed earlier in middle school if elementary school children were too hard to motivate. I think it's a weird philosophical mindset where I ignored something if it didn't seem true or if it was all too temporary. And yet what was permanent or meaningful was suddenly created over an experience rather than just existing logically, as I believed it should...

I guess I'll review college in depth when I hopefully finish it in June.

I didn't get to play Zelda Wii U because of two more delays, but I got to play the Last Guardian. Really good adventure games are some of the best experiences for me, graphics were great as expected too... Story didn't make too much sense. Hopefully I can play Zelda Wii U sometime over the summer before I'm too caught up with law school or paying my own bills some other way.

Dad is being an Asian dad, my brother isn't even good enough... I guess in comparison a lot of the other kids he knows are damn successful and since I'm not severely autistic there's not much of an excuse for me.

Overall Re Zero was probably the best anime I've watched this year too, I wish I could've found more but I guess I was too lazy to even watch anime on many days, ha. Chaika was also pretty good, need to watch S2 of that and S2 of GATE.

So here were my goals in any case:

Work out more -- Potbelly not fully gone but my figure has improved, just would like that six pack and be generally a bit more muscular now, no need to push it too far like some of the guys I see at the rec center.

Finish Jaren vs Shade -- I don't think I added too much into what was planned, but I overestimated my passion/determination for all the frame by frame fighting last year. Still it's kind of sad given that I didn't swap onto any other animations and that I generally had a block of time over the summer. Oh well, in many ways I feel this was more or less worth my time.

No job lol, and no Zelda U but I'm not too upset about either of those.

Finish editing Legend of Shade 1 -- I tacked on a bit 6,000 words I think? I don't know when something is necessary for plot and when something is just an add-on... the line is kind of blurred.

Finish Legend of Shade 2 -- very rare times this year when I felt inspired. Let's blame that. Also blame the fact I got kind of sidetracked with subplots. But I don't think the plot was too bad and I think if I forced myself too much I would've added too many random bits. I hit 300,000 words at least, barely.

Tales of Quinity -- even less for this one, although I did sort of put in a bit of effort on week out of the year, ha. I feel like this story is important in a sense though.

Also made the beginning of a new Zusa -- it was an improvement but over the past couple years I just learned that I'll probably have my hands full with Shade given how many ideas and how much I ended up integrating into that story.

What can I really hope for in the future besides another creative spark? Technology and sex robots, AI maybe? The furthest I'll probably get otherwise would be being lucky with a honeymoon period but I don't think my personality can deal with long term relationships. I know by now that even if high paying jobs are preferable I'm not too concerned with social status either.

Oh well, as I age I'll gradually be getting used to working like a machine, day to night just for survival in this sad world.

Resolutions/goals would be --

Keep up or improve my fitness
Finish editing Legend of Shade
finish Legend of Shade 2
finish my animation
maybe start a new animation
find summer employment and either go to law school or begin living independently somehow here....

Oh, and I did grub out an A in PC Ethnic studies lol. Watched Gochuumon S2 too, pls gibe more Japan.
  • Listening to: love as large as brontosaurus
  • Reading: 4chan
  • Watching: Durarara!! x2
  • Playing: with little girls
  • Eating: rice
  • Drinking: water to wash it all through ._.