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July 11, 1995
Last Visit: 7 hours ago
I'd like some more gween tea
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While I am not literally *starving* yet it is difficult for me to balance a normal working life (and hold down 40 hr grinds) due to my overactive imagination, depressive spells etc.! Hopefully your help will help me delay becoming a street artist for at least a few weeks in the future...
I'll try my best to revise/edit the stuff I have written and publish, but even then it's likely I won't make nearly enough money as a writer.
I'm a lazy ass wageslave (2017 graduate)that don't do shit in real life, I just daydream do proletariat job and do muh artsy shit and dump them onto here, Youtube and Newgrounds . ~5.5 yrs experience in Flash, ~3 years working in ToonBoom Harmony. I started using SmoothDraw in summer 2014, Krita late 2016. I've worked almost every day for Sept. 2013 to August 2015 and have always at least drawn regularly. My black and white sketches are usually just done with normal pencil and paper.
Drawing and flat out daydreaming of stories has always been a passion of mine. I probably drew more anime/manga stuff regularly since high school which means maybe 9+ years by now. Animation seemed to me as an ideal form of creative work as it requires tremendous patience even with talent, and since for the most part you get out what you put in.
Overall artists can't make much money at all unless working for a big company, and I didn't get an art degree either hehe.
Heroines by the years: 2009-2011: Rhyme (Hazel hair and eyes) 2011-2012: Hanabi Holbeck (black hair and grey eyes) 2011-2013: hard Homura fanboy (from Megucas) 2012-2013: May Sinker (messy blue-black hair, yellow eyes) 2012-2014, 2016-: Zusa Karasu (Twintails, red eyes, red flames) 2014-: Maira Snow (white-silver hair, purple eyes, thick eyelashes) 2017-: Nila Straese (curly short black hair, vampire eyes)
If you want to look for any of my novels in the future, see Legend of Shade, Tales of Quinity, and Zusa's Misadventures.
Current Residence: United States Favourite genre of music: Classical, J-Pop, Video Game Favourite style of art: Anime/manga, Abstract, Surrealism Operating System: Windows MP3 player of choice: My mind, PC Wallpaper of choice: waifu Skin of choice: Fragile epidermis Favourite cartoon character: Yang Wenli (muh democracy), Oskar von Reuenthal (the feelz) Girls -- Rem (Re:Zero), Miuna Shiodome (NagiAsu), Kyoko Sakura (Madoka) Personal Quote: "Andy, your iceberg is completely submerged. It's touching hell; that's how deep it is."
Favorite visual artistKantoku, Adam Phillips (animator), Matt Roszak (kupo707)Favorite moviesPuella Magi Madoka Magica: The Rebellion Story, The Disappearance of Haruhi SuzumiyaFavorite TV showsLegend of the Galactic Heroes, Kekkai Sensen, Fate/Zero, MadokaFavorite bands / musical artistsYuki Kajiura, Kalafina, Ai Ninomiya, Filthy Frank e_eFavorite booksHaruhi Suzumiya (series), Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov, Thus Spoke ZarathustraFavorite writersNietzsche, Kafka, Dostoevsky, myselfFavorite gamesLost Saga (prerereforms), Shadow of the Colossus, EBF 4, Starcraft 2Favorite gaming platformPCTools of the Tradea disturbed and strange mind, ToonBoom Harmony, medium sized tablet, Flash 8 and SmoothDraw, KritaOther InterestsLolis, BajiQuan
Would draw the striped dress again featured in 2017? Even simple stripes here can be tough to draw. Maybe should have added a bit more detail to hair and backgrounds, but then again, I didn't have that much time with animating and of course, job.
Did seriously consider Physics. Once again delving into philosophy and literature. Sophocles Electra and Other Plays (4 total) and Heidegger's Nietzsche study (Being and Time still gives me random memories with the weird conception of disclosedness). Will definitely share thoughts and comments on it although few will be able to discuss it, although I have not reread Nietzsche's major works (Zarathustra, Beyond Good and Evil) for a while now. (and I still remember how one instructor at college corrupted him for feminist agenda. Don't care too much, he will die early as a fat neckbeard though.)
Also making my way through Nabokov's Ada, or Ardor again -- first read was in 2011. As for writing, did bootup Zusa story again, but don't think I will finish it by end of the year...
As for animation, shorts like these are pretty much all I got for now:
It still took around 45-50 hours by a rough estimate, even with some loops and cutting corners... (the "middle view" is the hardest with two characters in their full outfits!) last year I said I would compromise with 50 seconds or less animation and got around 40%?, but come September throwing more and more hours felt ridiculous. It would be different if I either got donations to Patreon, or was famous, but I doubt most of my work will hit 10K views before I get published....
OKC has been on fire, although GSW will probably still win in 6/7 games (unless Curry injury).
Haven't been writing too much this year, and I don't plan to finish any major works either. Still, for the first four months of 2018 I was in a relative drought. Still no progress publishing, did do round 1 of Zusa's Misadventures 2016/2018 edits and will be more aggressive this year. Publishers seek sub-100K works for the most part and the book I was pushing to be published is 250K plus.
Doing some Baji training too.
As for Magic the Gathering, modded Pox for the most part adding 2 Spawn of Mayhem (probably better beater than Phyrexian Obliterator with 4 black CMC and Spectacle) -- Big Eldrazi seemed too much time and money, perhaps. I doubt it will solve Pox's main problems (when I played it actively less than 40% winrate), but will help, in any case didn't play the deck at all for over a year.
Went 1-2 this Wednesday and came across Arclight Phoenix Grixis and UR Delvers with Pteramander and Risk Factor now. Did not get to bust out Spawns though! Don't think the deck is strong enough to play regularly...
DoorDash delivery... Usually $14+ for dinners (5PM onwards) got tipped only once. Working extra hours at security shift too -- still, a 12-hour shift beats most days at the corporate grind, and less caffeine too. Getting free pizza from the employees too!
Have started the Slime anime, but doesn't look that interesting so far...
They talk about social degeneracy and teen preggos with 3 baby daddies though. Philosophically speaking maybe the conservatives are right then? I can't imagine this supporting a stable society in the long run. Of course, social issues are quite complex. In Sociology we did share a study by someone named Mazza about government programs helping poor black fathers though according to T. Sowell and even Pat. Moyniham, there's not a predestined amount of poor teenage fathers, welfare studies exist in UK as well...
Of course, I don't know too many people 50, 60 plus to vouch for such matters.
Main news, aside from finishing the 10+ year compilation, I read through The First Three Minutes by Steven Weinberg, went through Introduction to Cosmology textbook, and threw in more hours on Epic Battle Fantasy 5. New particle physics text is on the way. I played most of the main story on hard, but have gone through miniboss on Epic, the 4 premium dungeons on Epic, and Temple of Trials 5 bosses on Epic. Pretty fun game overall and have been cheesing too much with Ninja Skirt w/Anna and Revive. Cat-God and Matteus, Natalia were the harder ones for me, while Neon Valhalla was surprisingly easy with the right setup (Black Widow, Soul Eater, Earth Skills, Tsunami) Overall probably not going for 100% completion though.
Toying with the idea of Eldrazi Post in Legacy. Seems more fun than regular Eldrazi, I could tear apart Goblins for D&T, but D&T seems overall less fun.
Finished rewatching the main series of Haruhi. Still overall like it after 10 years and basked in quite a bit of nostalgia. Very few fictional characters really seemed as self-aware as Kyon. And yes really did rewatch Endless Eight -- 8x8 equals Endless 64...
I won't be very active drawing and animating next year, due to time constraints. If you would like to see more from me please support me on Patreon.
Also decided to rank the last 10 years in my mind, from best to worst. I would say overall I calculate for average happiness during those years -- however, given the type of being I am, some major accomplishments or pleasures are able to outweigh otherwise bad years. If I really wanted to I could try and rank 2003-2008, but at the same time there wasn't that much I could remember from those years, in addition to less mood swings.
Without a doubt as number 1. Although the first few months were difficult, I finally got my own laptop in April and things went pretty well from there. My writing wasn't at its best at all, but I didn't worry much about it since I felt I still had plenty of time. I originally just split the original Shade into two major arcs, and filled it with subplots without thinking too hard about it -- although later on, those two villains became more minor characters. I was also pretty poor writing supporting characters back then, but I did try with Hanabi and Rumi, the Purifier, who is no longer a part of the story. I nostalgically replayed the N64 Zeldas, then during summer break got really deep into both Shadow of the Colossus (on emulator) and Super Meat Boy -- the latter I raged a lot when dying and stuff. I got A+ on all light stages and completed the dark world, but I never bothered much for bandaid/warpzones or trying out the additional characters. Animewise, Haruhi finally released novels 10/11 which was hype but didn't like it that much when reading; watched Madoka for the first time too. Along with the first true honeymoon period of having a waifu (Homura) I got balls deep into Lost Saga in September, playing with friends from school as well, sort of making fun of one of them too much. I was mainly playing Joker/Viking with sub-optimal setup (balloons) but I had mad speed and just got really into the beat em up and faction. I made fun of one of my irl friends too much and liked watching him rage too. I still remember back then I was horrible with Fire Mage though. I met probably my best online friend ever (BowandSword) in November as well. Writing it out the pleasure seemed shallow, but at the same time this year was the year when I had the best methods of escaping my usual depression and anxiety? I also had never really gotten into an MMO community before that -- back in middle school I mostly played Gamecube games, Flash games and read books. Back then writing my cringe fanfic felt good too -- it dwarfed my initial weebspurt in 2008 with Nagato, perhaps I was just much hornier, hah. As far as my animation quality goes it wasn't that great, but here are some memorable samples (Cupid shoots heart, Kyubey) In general this was also the year when I went full-weeb, I would drown my sorrows after school by hoarding pictures of lolis. (sounds stupid to most people but it worked, damn it) I guess one sad thing is one of my kittens died, but at the same time he was only around 1 year old so I didn't have that deep of an attachment. Also, this year I still had roughly 2 years left of high school, so I didn't feel like I had to worry much about the future.
A pretty solid number 2. Like 2011 I had a rough beginning, especially because college during this school year went almost full SJW, particularly with feminism so they'd drop it in every humanities class, while I just recently redpilled from the internet. Also got sick at the beginning of the year, and was still running with Zusa even though it didn't get as far off the ground as I hoped. Roommate stayed up into the night too many times. Lost Saga was at that point pretty bad, but I didn't have much else to play for the first half of the year, and Homura was less of a comfort as well. However, in April/May I watched Legend of the Galactic Heroes for the first time. A lot of loose ends but overall the series didn't disappoint, probably gave more inspiration as well. Still, most of the work I did the first half with Zusa's story and animation didn't manifest successfully. While initially I was upset I didn't get to relax much during the summer, I rediscovered SSBM, played Zelda SS, and hit a creative streak, you could say. Even though I was disappointed with Zusa (I don't plan to really continue the plot threads I started in 2014) I got lost in the world of Shade from July to early December. I finally decided to make things... grittier and realistic with the idea of Caenus as a hero-dictator, and the "Republican" ideology of Shane as the light hero also worked. The simple idea of a flying animation clicked while Zusa's animation I threw in way too many different villains and made the world and story too big. I also finally found drawing software that was free and comfortable to work in SmoothDraw, although none of my drawings in 2014 were that good. I discovered Smite as well and Starcraft 2, although initially quite clumsy with it (Lost too much to MMM and Roach allins in WoL). Rose of Versailles and Ping Pong the Animation were other good shows I enjoyed this year. And the replay of Epic Battle Fantasy 4 on Hard was pretty cool. (I never got the Premium version though) Despite the shortcomings earlier in the year, I would say this year was the year where I was overall the most satisfied with my work. I experimented with many things in animation, and although I never got flame effects down that well, I pushed myself to greater heights... (I finally learned how to be more comfortable with both gradients and backgrounds for shading)
I was initially surprised to find myself putting this as high as #3 -- while I had some of the worst depression of my life during this year, in addition to Lost Saga addiction/rage, I also had my closest friendships, and dare I say brotherhood that likely won't be common in the rest of my life. I was having trouble focusing in school due to a combination of being too depressed and horny due to no real Homura, I didn't think I was playing well enough in Lost Saga (but Sol was pretty horrible without high stats in skills), but for the first six months or so my best friend online, BowandSword, would faction (2v2 usually) a few times every week, even when my irl best friend took constant breaks from Lost Saga. I never had such close friendships for most of my other years -- even during MtG it was usually 1v1. It felt like it was often the 2 of us vs the world. The game was pretty flawed admittedly, with IceTemp, horn, dominating the meta and lagging, and 1v1 had stupid combos too. I could've learned Hazama faster if only I knew how to mash buttons back then. Mind you, BowandSword still had Unicorn Lancer and Ice Mage which were utility and decent w/ground hits, although Joker and Sol were pretty weak and awkward in the meta. I got a little lucky and having to retake summer classes wasn't that horrible. In retrospect AP Lang was a better class than many intro classes at UC Riverside, especially due to the diversity of viewpoints, although the God unit was imbalanced with far less arguments against God's existence. In Lost Saga I met more Canadian friends, although the game started to be shutdown, I still bothered grinding my Joker to level 50 (which was a lot of hours on the old OGP server and I didn't grind Hard Sade) through November even though it was a pretty lowtier hero, as my best friend stuck with Sol too. I had some good times with reform Viking and May though -- May's wep was pretty op at the time. During the last couple of months I started to feel really empty though, and had problems writing, just a lot of dark weirdness crept into my mind. My writing was overall disappointing as well, especially since this was supposed to be the year that I wanted to finally get off the ground. (although in a sense I got better writing a supporting cast by introducing the first version of Caenus) I still had trouble developing most of the villains and supporting cast; perhaps I was too reluctant to portray factions and countries at war? And overall the fight scenes were awkward and messy -- the original Shade used more dark magic and less strength+tactics. Luckily my best friend (and therapist) was still there, and I met another group of online friends.
Despite my difficulties this year still ranks high overall. I was really into animation, I guess, although my art quality was still lacking. Flash had its limitations and for most of the year I still was relatively inexperienced with digital shading. Still, after the dragon-volcano scene I really began to burn out. (I think I may have cut corners a bit with Shane riding his horse...) Both mind and body, as I remember developing a bit of eyestrain from animating. I also somewhat realized the sheer difficulty of also adding background detail. Adam Phillips is ungodly for dropping 14 a day with extra hours in his backgrounds... I wasn't as into games compared to the previous years. Smite has its MOBA problems (long games/toxic players), TERA had its MMO problems and at the end of the year I was still really learning macro cycles for SC2, as I went Adept drop and Chargelot Immortal too often. (At least vs Z, which was frustrating for lower rank players) LotV was also in a dumb blink-stalker disruptor meta which dragged out games a lot. Lost Saga was beyond dead at this point though. The loneliness was almost unbearable, as well as the nostalgia bombs in the middle of the summer. I didn't think it would be that hard to make more friends and meet more people, high school really was something special. However, at the same time I still got to live away from my parents, and the classes then weren't as bad as logging in 8 hours of work -- although we had to read a lot of boring for history in the fall, the prof. told us where to focus and I got lucky with the other classes (still good enough at maths). I enjoyed Tad Williams' original Memory Sorrow and Thorn series to some extent, even if it dragged on at times with some useless side characters, the detail was vivid and unique. Animewise there was Kekkai Sensen and Nagi no Asukara even though the latter wasn't that good? Plenty of shortcomings writingwise to think about it, but at the time I didn't worry about it that much, and pure productionwise still a good word-count, and I was still more invested in the story than average. I wish there were more good things to say about the year -- I would've gotten more accomplished for sure if I hadn't fallen into the depression after losing my friend. In addition, as good as Starcraft 2 was it also did not provide the social... casualness that Lost Saga had allowed me, it really is meant to be 1v1 game. Despite my reread of my 2014 work, I didn't know where to edit it yet.
The first couple months were rather tough, I'd have to admit. Threw a lot of time on Granblue Fantasy and Thunder games (with Westbrook heavy carry), had trouble continuing writing throughout the year. However, the new Zelda game and having fun on Mahouiku Discord somewhat made up for it. (although I wish BotW's world was less empty) Also the martial arts club was active enough although our leader skipped meetings near the end. I wasn't able to continue with longer animations either, in a sense I was kind of disappointed I would have to settle for two short transformation scenes, and I didn't finish the second one either. Although I played less Starcraft 2 I scattered attention on Chivalry Medieval Warfare and Smite a bit, which were decent in their own ways. I struggled to write because I never felt like I had properly closed Shade, and new ideas for whatever reason were hard to come by, even considering completely changing story and writing style. Eventually I'm glad I progressed significantly with Zusa's plot, although I may have taken a few too many risks. Looking back the stuff I did write this year wasn't that bad, but I lost a lot of confidence due to my 2016 shortcomings. The working grind come August nevertheless got me down and for the last four months I had a hard time writing and thinking of plot, unfortunately. Overall I wish I had drawn a bit more as well, although part of improving my artwork was the anxiety and laziness. Honestly drawing can involve staring at lines and shading for just too many hours. I also was clumsy enough to crash my car near the end of the year and that took more hours to repair. Hollow Knight and Magic the Gathering Legacy were fun diversions enough (although Pox had its shortcomings), reconnecting with two of my friends from hs -- still, nothing like the time I had in 2011 when I threw away hours on Super Meat Boy. I also had a couple of friends from college talk to me more this year, which might be the last social interaction I'll get in a long time. Would rank this higher if I just managed to write more -- even 20K more words would've done, as this really was the last year I found comfortable opportunities to write... But I guess animation moreso kept my hands full, drawing detail in outfits is no joke. Although even animation I had around six weeks of struggle since I wanted to make another OP (90 secs), but realized I couldn't due to time constraints...
The first four months of a 40-hour corporate job was definitely one of the worst times in my life. I made an active effort to cut down on gaming so I'd have more time for other stuff, but drawing on low energy really is a strain... Granted, I still did waste time watching Thunder games (2018 went downhill after losing Roberson). I tried new things and nothing worked. Perhaps caffeine kills me. In any case if the corporate job went on for the rest of the year I would probably have to rank this in the bottom three -- suppressing depression turned to numb-ness and very little creativity to write decent segments. Monotony is probably many times as harsh on me than it is on the average person. When May swung around I was done with it. Luckily had the time and energy to finally wrap up Zusa version 2, which I failed to do so last year. (although admittedly, it still does need a good amount more editing before being publishable, it's another option of Shade never gets off the ground) I also finally mustered enough confidence to put in the necessary edits to Shade and sent off to publisher(s). I spent approximately half my time on video games as before and enjoyed them significantly less. Magic was on average alright, and I got lucky quite a few times with Goblins. I still did follow eSports a bit. This year though I enjoyed drawing less and animation a lot less admittedly sacrificing them for writing? It's a pretty sad realization that it's difficult to compromise such passions with a 40 hour grind. Regardless, I didn't accomplish nothing in the artistic field, and thanks to the new Osten Ard book from Tad Williams book I sort of had more inspiration for the literary field -- While I may have thrown in too many characters and subplots, I was definitely more enthusiastic writing than most of 2015-2017. Got to finally finish LoGH rewatch. The game I got the most into this year was Epic Battle Fantasy 5, which I never really beat yet (although it is big more fun and I am better than it than my playthroughs of EBF4), nor will have time to really get many achievements in the future... Also had a good more fun with Hollow Knight but never really got back into Smite. As far as publishing went, in the end I didn't see much progress and got rejected by 2 out of the 5 I submitted to. Overall, however, seeing the hours go by at work and my shortcomings, this year is still pretty close to 2016, just slightly better.
I'm surprised this year ranked so low, but nevertheless it has too many disappointments to ignore. While I was able to have time and energy at college, depression and writer's block got to me, and two of my roommates were also annoying -- weed-smoking son of feminism first half and alcoholic beerpong toilet-clogging fuckboy the second, and my parents in the middle of it were frustrating too. I threw in many hours of watching Starcraft even though sOs had trouble transitioning to LotV and Stats didn't yet ascend to his current level. (while Parting failed to adapt in general) And I can't say it was all pure laziness -- I really did try to experiment more with writing and the supporting characters and everything just got messier in the story. I also never got as good at SSBM as I had hoped, it really was a tough game, although I got kinda decent in GGXrd Sign on Steam with few rooms. I couldn't get into the Law material as well, as hard as I tried, though I got decent enough grades. In the meantime perhaps it was just lack of raw experience that made my animation awkward -- that was a good thing when it came to animating The Sky, but two characters makes things a lot more difficult. In addition I found myself seriously trying to invest in politics but disappointed overall with how the media played everything out, and how our uni like most others just decided to side with the left. Although it wasn't needlessly indoctrinating like freshman year, I also had to take a fair number of boring classes in order to get major requirements (although better than job, still count against this year). While I had more time gaming and drawing for that matter I'd still have to admit this year was still slightly worse than 2018. I wasn't able to make the proper edits to my best writing either, and was unsure whether or not I had messed up story-wise, and even in August-September when I had more time after summer classes I still... lacked enough ideas for Zusa, even though the story was more stable, and from September to December I didn't feel as fulfilled with the writing as I expected, overall clumsy with character development and just threw in battles. Overall it was a battle between being guilty about not-writing, and guilty about not-thinking hard enough for my plots -- probably because it was my first time writing such a large world with many villains and subplots! I wasn't disappointed in all of my work, but at the same time, I sort of expected more out of the year given that it was my last year before entering the workforce. Animation wise I had disappointments all around and don't want to think too much about it -- too ambitious, inexperienced, and disorganized. Post-endgame in TERA was quite pointless as well, and overall despite throwing hours into it still came short to the fun I had in Lost Saga 2011-2012... The nostalgia and the fresh bouts of loneliness were a bit more cruel as well, perhaps. Later in the year I guess I played the Last Guardian which was fun. Enjoyed anime less although Re:Zero was good.
Ranks in the bottom three because my psychological issues were more severe then, and the drug I had previously used called Lost Saga went offline for 2 months, then downhill with rereforms and OP pay2win gear every single week. (I was exhausted after pouring dumb amount of work on another messy fanfic by February...) What went from a derpy fighter with mixups, guardbreak, team position/combos etc went to usually a bunch of Card Magicians jump spam until they had OP stun skills. Which is sad because I also really wanted my stuff back, levels, gears, and all. It does sound shallow but keep in mind, from K-8th grade I had a hard time with friendships, so LS was my main avenue in that area. Didn't bother picking up a new game then and sort of got way too much into porn and fapping. Writing didn't take off as well as I wanted to, with Wonder and Zusa's Misadventures. I remember many difficult nights where almost an hour would pass just thinking, trying to summon the motivation to write more. Shortage of ideas overall, for Zusa I gave her too many powers instead of keeping it simple, and my supporting cast didn't work out too well. (Having to force the creation of Tachi in the middle, cyborg-girl that I never bothered to rewrite) Maybe too much Lost Saga influenced, ha. I suppose I really didn't just want to write a generic villain, even though it proved disorderly with the early versions of Shade. In the first version, hiding the superheroes from the public as with many animes was a poor choice as well. I finished my senior year animation and felt bummed, didn't animate again till September but at the time I was still stretching the limits of my patience. I added more shading in general, but overall still sucked with effects. At the time I was introduced to men's rights but was still very skeptical, although by the next year the university proved their point. College transition was very awkward in general with crazy anxiety esp. with crowds of people, it took a while for me to get physically used to martial arts club and be social enough as well. The dorms were pretty noisy at times and I hated the public bathrooms, which was an issue into 2014. Continued to rely on porn and fap. Good things were anime -- Darker than Black and Fate/Zero, and the Madoka movie at the end. Also Epic Battle Fantasy 4 and Castle Crashers were good but they didn't make up for losing the home I had in Lost Saga. I even dumped pointless hours into DragonNest during LS shutdown. At the very end Rebellion did trigger a second honeymoon-ish phase with my final egotistical fanfic, although I also got sick near the end of the year.
Overall depressed almost through the entire year. I suppose in the first few months or so I had Digimon Tamers which looking back was a pretty good show, other anime was the original Kino's Journey. The Last of the Dashkin was also an inspiration and I laughed with Chris too much about Epic Beard Man, and still some more Colony and Sonny 2. Read some Kafka and his stories were half-inspiration, although I'd never write something as purely... grim? Writingwise I had mixed feelings, wrapping up my first book (Bittersour) was annoying, but at the same time finishing Beckoning of Phantasmagoria in October gave me more hope. Again, still awkward time-travel elements and the supporting cast was not that deep. (And still random Sonny 2 references) Wasted a lot of time in general watching mediocre shows on Netflix, although Avatar the Last Airbender was overall decent, it seemed a bit too long and cheesy at times. On the other hand for the last 2 months I still didn't have that many more ideas for my next work. Animationwise I got improvement, but at the same time it was quite the grind for a 15-year old, and I never got off the ground trying to create small games either. Also did have some fun in school projects. I did try my hand drawing on paper a few times but really didn't like much of my art. Still remember how much I hated school and life, getting nowhere with my crushes for sure. And initially Eric Fu was annoying as fuck by reciting anti-Japanese WWII propaganda and obsessing over face shapes. Speaking of WWII I hated everything more after I saw people killing everyone in World History. Better than 2009 because I acquired more social skills, but I was still quite awkward. (I got closer to a new friend who was in classes through Magic the Gathering sorta) At the end of the year at least I had the Haruhi movie, Nagato was a cute. Sounds lame, but my life really was pretty grey without it.
This was the first year of dealing with major depression and not finding a way to cope, and also not wanting to grow up at all. My writing became a lot darker than before. I had major focus issues, some insomnia by the end of middle school, my general neurosis among other people amplified, and in addition I never discovered masturbating until August so sexuality confused me. I rewatched shows and realized how the magic of childhood seemed to leave me, and yet the adult world (sitcoms, jokes etc) seemed so shallow. I think I had always suppressed my feelings and then this year was when things became too intense to ignore -- I tried to write more but never liked much of my writing this year. I even went on a pretty significant hiatus in the middle of it, struggling with ideas in November. I didn't understand depression and I thought that there was a possibility that things would be this bad for the rest of my life. Probably daydreaming too much in middle school made my emotional issues roll into a snowball rather than be able to be more distracted. I also struggled with real friendships and my parents and the school never helped with with those. My dad just tried to push me into the model of success despite the fact that he never attempted to build a trustworthy relationship with me beforehand, and I saw making money as shallow. Sonny 2 was an upside (back then I thought getting to Zone 7 vs Corruptor was an accomplishment), but Haruhi season 2 made me rage pretty hard with Endless Eight, although the trailer in December gave me hope for its future. I hated all of my original writing after spiraling out of control with fanfic as well. And yet I had nothing else because my social skills were garbage back then and it still took me a long time to develop trust with my therapist. The only social activity I could have was fucking Colony.