cambiare-magico's avatar
Post consultation
By cambiare-magico   |   Watch
24 44 1K (1 Today)
Published: September 2, 2012
This drawing was made about a month ago directly after my very first surgical consult using pencil, paper and pro marker pens.

It was very hard going, meeting a surgeon. The man had to cover himself by telling me every single aspect that could go wrong before we even began. My excitement at getting a step closer to surgery was quickly crumbled. I wasn't comfortable with this surgeon.

He has never worked with a trans-gendered person before, as such I am afraid to let him work on me. I don't care about scarring, I just want to be able to appear aesthetically on the outside who I am on the inside without the constant pain and heat and discomfort of binding. However he seemed to be very focused on scarring and how almost all patients complained about scars after surgery and would not remove their shirts.

I am a trans man. I never remove my shirt as it is. I don't know if I ever really will aside from with people I am extremely comfortable.

But I digress, things are still up in the air with this one. I can only wait and see what happens, but this drawing was based on my initial reaction to the consultation.

Image is © Saku Smith aka *CreatoreMagico
Image size
2355x3457px 5.46 MB
anonymous's avatar
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Comments (27)
DasTierLockjaw's avatar
DasTierLockjaw|Hobbyist Digital Artist
Okay so, I know not everyone shares my ideals BUT the way I look at it, as long as things are where they should be I can handle scarring. I love scars, because to me they add character. I always say, every scar has a story no matter how big or small. Honestly, I'd think the story for those ones will be rather important and something worth being proud. 
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Kingdomkey202's avatar
...Wow, what an asshole.
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Queens-Of-Loath's avatar
Queens-Of-Loath|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Maybe you should look into a gynecomastia like Buck Angel did. I've seen some good results on Youtube.
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Buck Angel is a fantastic guy, I've seen a fair few videos of him but nothing about how he reached the body he has now.

Thank you for your insight.
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Queens-Of-Loath's avatar
Queens-Of-Loath|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I believe I learned about it on his blog. I wanted to know how his chest had basically no visible scars at all because I have a fear of surgery. I don't know what a mastectomy cost but I found that a gynecomastia cost between 3000-6000 with chest reconstruction included. :)
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SynWilliams's avatar
SynWilliams|Hobbyist General Artist
This is exactly how I was feeling when I researched into top surgery. What keeps me going is that I know I will be happier after the surgery, regardless of the scarring. But thank you for this, it's a great way of making people think about what they really want, and showing others what sort of things go through our minds.
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Research can be so daunting, but I think finding the right surgeon and the right people to talk about their experiences with you can really help. I have had my surgery now, and don't regret it at all. I really hope you can hold onto what you know in your heart as well! The scars don't matter at all.
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SynWilliams's avatar
SynWilliams|Hobbyist General Artist
Exactly my opinion. Scars fade, but your emotions and fear rarely do. I know what i want, and nothing will change it
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Skye-Rhyder's avatar
You can get it done in Colorado, there's a whole community.

I'd get a new surgeon.

Good luck!
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for your comment and well wishes! I am in the UK so unfortunately Colorado was a no go for me. However, I DID get a different surgeon and am now very happy with the results.
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Skye-Rhyder's avatar
Good for you! This shouldn't be so hard, especially once you're sure!
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Lokifan's avatar
This is fantastic - the shading and hairs and everything and I love the metaphor of the papers and post-its and hanging round your neck. It gives me a SAD though. You look so sad and worried!!! I'm so glad you came out of it well and look so good <333
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much! Hehe, you have seen first hand the results. No need to have the SAD!
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NekroWuschelSchaf's avatar
NekroWuschelSchaf|Hobbyist General Artist
Such fear of scars are my main reason why I would be scared of having any operation involving my gender. [Though of course I am not allowed to have any operation from the beginning.] It's really sad how people who ARE allowed to have an operation have to fear consequences. :C I...am not sure if I would take the risk if I was allowed to have a surgery.
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Personally I don't even care that much about scars. I felt the surgeon was assuming that about me even though I had told him otherwise.

Out of curiosity, why are you not allowed to have surgery? If you don't want to answer you don't have to of course but I just wondered. It is a huge risk, many people do not take it. There are others ways to transition and live with duel genders without things such as hormone therapy and surgery involved.
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NekroWuschelSchaf's avatar
NekroWuschelSchaf|Hobbyist General Artist
Maybe he...saw it from the eyes of a surgeon. Often when people aren't satisfied with the surgery they blame the surgeon. I have no clue actually.

I am not allowed to have a surgery simply because...well where shall I start? I am biological male but have, asides from genitalia, an extremly female body. Too female for my taste. But I wouldn't want to have a more male body either. I consider myself nothing with a preference for male pronouns but still nothing and would love to have an operation that would actually MAKE me nothing! I...have no reason to be in possession of any female or male characteristics so I would be more then happy if they could all disappear from me. Sadly this sort of surgery doesn't seem to be allowed in a bigendered world like the one we sadly seem to live in. It's a real torture for me to be in possession of "two genders" [or rather one gender and one pseudo gender...the pseudo one seems to be more dominant as everyone I talk to believes I am a female child in the age of 12 or so...which is awkward when you are regarding your real age and chromosomes actually a young man] but considering myself none of them.
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Your situation is a very interesting and complicated one. Being that you identify as neither genders, and both. You are not alone though, there are many like yourself and to be sure, you could pass as either gender when you wanted.

If you ever did want to discuss some sort of change, you could always begin by discussing your feelings with a doctor you trust, or researching other gender queer or duel gendered folks about the internet for help and advice.

Sometimes just having your friends on board can really make a difference. As such I will always think of you as non-gendered and refer to you as such from now on.
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keh-arts's avatar
keh-arts| Traditional Artist
I think this image says so much and is very well thought-out - I think your worries and concerns come across very clearly in the image and in the way his comments are literally hanging around your neck.
:hug:
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I was very 'in the moment of the feeling' when I drew this one. I was in my course, trying to concentrate on the work but instead just thinking about the consult and what to do etc.

Thank you for all your comments love. You are wonderful and supportive and your words mean so much to me.
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drazzi's avatar
drazzi|Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is like my second favourite picture of the set so far. I just love how very YOU it is. And I think the page and papers look fantastically well rendered, as I told you when you did them.

Its funny how even passing medical comments can become labels and things that we can hide behind or become burried under, just as much as anything else.
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:heart: I am also happy with how the papers came out. You are right, the smallest things can bury us. It's hard to step back from it all and think with so much over our heads. But we can be strong! :smooch:
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TennoStoryWriter's avatar
I remember looking up surgeons when I was in the US via a site called TransBucket (?), found very few decent ones who had worked with transgender folk before. My mind has since changed (I identify as more bi/tri gendered now), but I can sympathize with this in a way :I

I mean, who really cares about scars when you on the outside finally matches you on the inside? I really do hope you can find someone who will give you more confidence, it will be a long and difficult process, but if you're confident and happy in the end, that's what matters. Best of luck :hug:
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cambiare-magico's avatar
cambiare-magico|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I identify as male, but am comfortable as a trans male with a female lower half, it's just top surgery I'm going for. I just don't know how long I should take to decide on a surgeon who is 'right' etc

Anyway, thank you so much for your comment. I see you are a friend of *nekophoenix <3 A friend of a friend makes you doubly friend. :hug:
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TennoStoryWriter's avatar
I would have been about the same I think. Its rough to find surgeons who really know what they're doing and aren't just doing it for the extra money. If it wasn't already expensive enough for you, I could suggest a surgeon in America who gets really decent reviews and I've seen her work. I guess its a matter of 'shopping around'? If that doesn't sound disrespectful (I don't mean for it to), it sucks, but I feel people in that situation should be comfortable and happy with their surgeon. Its a stressful process, I really hope in the end you can find someone who makes you feel better and so on, I really do :'c :hug:

It ain't no thang, its a good image <3 Aww, golly, that's real nice of you :'D
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anonymous's avatar
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