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my head  feels heavier than a sack o'potatoes...
and this horrible ring in my ear has decided to start humming...
my vision is far from being anywhere near clear...
while this dry mouth is working on it's fourth bottle of water...

long hours in the rehearsal space....
turn into late night sessions...
i can't be far off now...
when you wanted me to be
left aside when i should have been
i count the hours the crawl on by
and listen for that one of a kind sigh

it could have only been
if you only could have seen
the darkness felt inside
this cycle left to divide

in place for no reason
a calming stare to pull me through...
stale born sorrows
with nothing left to do...
it's right around midnight... and i just came in from the cold...
it hasn't stopped snowing, it won't let up...
something struck me on the way home... i stopped in a park to have wee puff, and watch the snow.... and the silence was numbing... have you ever felt that?... the silence that shrouds the air when it's snowing... the hummm of cars barreling down the freeway... diminished to a wet sideroad driveby...

it's funny what goes through my mind when it snows here... it reminds so much of home... but at the sametime reality reminds me i'm far from it...
i wish i could see them all...with the shines upon their faces, the glows that would keep them warm...
and her eyes that had kept my fire burning...

someday...
i can't quite figure ou what do do with myself...
and boredom keeps wanting to take hold...
i've done everything i could possibly do, taking care of bills, cleaning the house, doing the laundry....
but i just keep finding myself staring lifelessly at this screen...
gazing upon what somebody just posted as a new deviation...

and it just keeps snowing... and snowing, and when it seem to slow down a bit... it just gets's nut numbing outside...
giving me more reason to stay in and stare at a screen for the rest of the day...

I am looking forward to tonight though... rehearsal night...
time to let loose... and light that stale monotony ablaze...
When acoustic pain occurs in the Theater of Rock...
(and judging by thoose hilarious clips from decades past, everyone of it's mutations has been initially felt as brutal or painful, no matter how benign sounding to later ears)...
The pain of the audience is compensated for their pleasure at the spectacle of the sacrifice of the musicians, who, since they are standing closer to the amps, are theoretically expiriencing even greater and more destructive pain.

In fact.... Mammoth sound systems in the hands of deaf or sadistic sound persons often make the room volume louder than the stage volume, but this only heightens the theatrical effect....
In this illusion, the musician is both the sacrificial victim and magical protector who filters the dangerous volume levels through his/her body (literally standing between amp and audience) to protect the audience....
This ritual is not unlike the Shamanistic practice of filtering strong poisons through their bodies so others can enjoy the less toxic residue by drinking their hallucinogenic piss....

In a reversal of star-kissed tuna priorties, Rock audiences are more than willing to suffer bitter acoustic phenomenon in order to achieve ritual/aesthetic satisfaction...

thank you
calCross

LISTENING TO:
CULT OF LUNA
ISIS
EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY
And as it was expected... the building i live in is finally getting torn down, thus all who live there are getting the boot. The thing is i've known this for two years or so... but now it's for real. Over here in Holland they have something called
"anti-squat"... it's just to protect buildings that are empty from illegal squaters... and as an "anti-squatter" you usually get a massive house, church, office building, school or anything that's available at the time for small monthly rent.... i'm talking a hundred bucks or less... with all ammenities included. The thing is when it's time to go it's time to go... and they give you two weeks to pack your stuff and go.  In some cases they offer something else to fall back on... but in this case there is NOTHING....

Quite frustrating thus... so today i've been packing stuff into boxes, finding stuff i have'nt seen in years... and that i thought i threw away.... and then i realized i can never throw anything away, and how much shit i actually have.... it's quite shocking.
All in all i'm glad it's over with... and i don't have to wait for this day come anymore... and just move on...
Living over here in the Netherlands for the last 5 years has been quite the ride...this in reference to culture difference, mentality, everyday life and just the way people are in general. Over here once a year they celebrate "Carnaval"... but only in the south under the big rivers that divde the country into waterlogged islands... The Carnaval over here is something like what they do in Brazil... but they drink a hell of alot more... and for like five days in a row...

I have'nt quite got into the celebrating of it all... dressing up like an idiot an acting like one for that long would probobly screw me up a bit in the heed... but i do work... and where's the best place to work with such an event... behind a bar. In one way you celebrate it as well... but everybodys pissed outta their heeds by the time it's my turn to tip a few... and i'm quite alright with that...

The thing is... i thought us Canadians drank like imbecils... but that's nothing compared to what goes on here... SOOOO the work bell calls... and it's time to let the insanity begin...
Stuck between two cultures... not knowing when and how to say what you feel. Acceptance has it's boundries, and i really could'nt be bothered with what anybody has to say.... cause it only seems to come accross as antagonistic outlooks on common logic and reality as i thought to know it. It's strange though... i keep smiling and nodding my head, and it seems to make them happy... when really they have not a single clue as to what is going through my head... quite amusing.

It's been a while since i've been anywhere near something familiar... or anything that may slightly resemble a vague deja vu from this scattered past that follows me around...

i have all the time... and only in time... will it be
well... it's a new year, and like every year i feel no change.... i only feel something colder from within... a reality that keeps bombarding us with nothing but insane shit.... i'm even a year older, another year on top off the ones that have passed me by like nothing really happened.... where has the time gone? where have i been? and where am i off to now?....

all in all... all is well, and i can't complain.... i just think i need to go home.... breathe some of that air, feel like i'm safe and wrapped in comfort.... that feeling of being home....soon enough..
   This time of year has many meanings, and evokes several different emotions that can only be understood by the ones who expirience them..... i don't know about you but i've been on the brink of inebriatiation almost every night.... for the last week..... and the madness has just begun..... we still have to celebrate New Year's..... time to strap in the ol' liver and just give'er....

   and now i'm stumped for words..... have a good one all....

                          cHriS
   My times of seclusion in a place bound with jaded misunderstanding for anything that's unknown....
   These times have opened a vast unbound creative outlet.... and it seeths as it breathes, pushing on, making way and claiming it's place in the unknown i walk around in....
   Nothing will take this away.... no-one will stand alone
   belief in what is to come is all i have to hold on too....