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Literature
Dragonslayer
In the land of Pyrûn, an exporter of lead
Ruled by a king (who’s extremely inbred)
Homeland of giants, but the giants are dead
So the towns are beset by a dragon instead
You can only burn down and eat all a man’s stuff
So many times before he’ll say, “Enough!
It’s time for the dragon to see that we’re tough,
Our knight will extinguish that piteous Puff!”
So out rode their champion, in gleaming steel armour
Bearing his shield with its heraldic llama
To be the right hand of the force they call Karma
(At this point it’s safe to assume there’ll be drama)
Up the Mountain of Dread, it’s Obsidian Stair
He choked on the poison of fresh alpine air
As he approached the black Cave of Despair:
The prime real estate of the great dragon’s lair
“Hark, scaly one! Beast of fire, come forth!”
Challenged the knight from the back of his horse
“You raze all our homes and you show no remorse
So our judgement upon you I
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Literature
Tweedling
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
They are all that's left, you see
This is why they are (in rhyme)
The final clones of Tweedleprime
Tweedle-if and Tweedle-or
Ran afoul of wild boar
Tweedledon't and Tweedledo
They fell ill with bucket-flu
Tweedlethis and Tweedlethat
Eaten by the Cheshire Cat
Tweedleda and Tweedleniet
They played Wonderland roulette
Tweedleblow and Tweedlebreeze
Each contracted mime disease
Tweedleslow and Tweedlequick
Kitchen with the candlestick
Tweedleflash and Tweedlejava
Lost their lives in molten lava
Tweedlesheer and Tweedleskid
"Will it blend?" They sure did.
Tweedlehigh and Tweedlelow
Snapped up by the Monstrous Crow
Tweedlepaul and Tweedlegeorge
Fell into a daisy forge
Tweedlejohn and Tweedleringo
Savaged by a happy dingo
Tweedlewitch and Tweedlewizard
Could not combat Bill the Lizard
Tweedleherp and Tweedlederp
Poisoned by a giant's burp
And not forgetting Tweedleprime
Who swallowed whole a caustic lime
Which just leaves Dum and little Dee
An oversight, you will agre
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Literature
Jug o'rum
Down in the bayou,
Luisiana stream.
Fertiliser runoff,
The trematodes teem.
A polliwog hatched,
A polliwog matured,
Deep inside his limb bud,
A tissue fluke secured.
He crawled out of the river,
And now we see his plight:
For there's two feet on his left side,
While three grow from the right.
It's Banjo! The greater-spotted bullfrog with five legs.
Down in the tributary,
Mississippi creek.
Population: normal,
Plus one freak.
With so many parasites,
It's not a way to live.
They get in all the tricky spots
With diseases they're eager to give.
The frog had one conclusion:
A new home must be sought!
But the journey would be perilous
And with many dangers fraught.
He found a little rivulet
Outside a chemical plant.
Such a place is bounteous
With many "gifts" to grant.
For every other worm he ate
And every green slug grim,
Would cause him cramps and with a splot
He'd sprout an extra limb.
Poor Banjo! The greater-spotted bullfrog with eighteen legs.
So he hopped and he flopped
To the f
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Hadean Earth by Bullet-Magnet Hadean Earth :iconbullet-magnet:Bullet-Magnet 39 11
Literature
Tears of an Unfinished Recital
Tears of an Unfinished Wedding Recital
There's a wedding on in half a year
So let's get organised.
A big event to engineer
Are you sure we couldn't downsize?
"Now many of us have something to read,
Poems that we have chosen.
In mind for you, something different indeed.
Perhaps you would compose one?"
There's a wedding coming, four months due
Locale is booked , it's all in hand,
The tux is ordered for the groom
We're considering a band.
"And how's your poem coming along?
(Of course I hate to nag)
But two months now have come and gone
The time ain't gonna drag."
There's a wedding on in two month's time
The dress is bought- good news, it fits!
So far it's cost a pretty dime
The price is mounting, I'll admit.
"But about your poem, have you begun?
We're giving you pride of place!
By now it really should be done
You'd best get composing in haste."
There's a wedding on, one month to go
We're deciding on a menu.
As for wines, perhaps Bordeaux,
Do they have it at this venue?
"So is your
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Literature
My Heart: a tribute
My heart: it is four-chambered
It's quite a sight to see.
It pumps blood right up through my lungs
Then round the rest of me.
I am quite fond of it, oh yes.
The reason is quite plain.
For if it should stop working
I would feel a lot of pain.
My left arm- it is cramping
It feels like it's on fire.
My chest is fit to bursting
The situation's dire.
It seems my heart is angry
It's marching out on strike.
Why must my body hit the bricks
While on the office hike?
The paramedics calm me down
They say it's just angina.
It complicates my poem's end
'Cause it rhymes with "girl's va
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Simic Ragworm by Bullet-Magnet Simic Ragworm :iconbullet-magnet:Bullet-Magnet 5 18 Mister Sinister by Bullet-Magnet Mister Sinister :iconbullet-magnet:Bullet-Magnet 1 25
Literature
A day in the life of a penny
On behalf of the RSPP
To whom it may concern: I am a penny. A coin made from copper and tin, and, for reasons unbeknown to me, entirely self-aware.
This presents itself with a few problems. First of all: why am I sapient? There appears to be no reason for it. I just am, and it's maddening. Second of all, I am still a mere penny, so I am also blind, deaf dumb, and otherwise completely unable to sense or interact with the world. And believe me it is hellish.
I remember the day that it happened, clearly as anything."Huh? What? Whaaaa!" I cried in my thoughts. "Who am I? And what do I mean by 'who am I?'" and other such unoriginal nonsense. It really is quite embarrassing, which is particularly strange in itself, given that there was no one to hear it. Though not nearly as odd as my current dictating of my story in my own mind on the off-chance that some strange little man is somehow transcribing it. But I must! With no company nor means to express myself, I fear I may go entirely m
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"Turn to page 35 of the nearest book to you," commanded the Internet meme. I cast around the room and laid my eyes upon Robert Rankin's The Educated Ape and other Wonders of the Worlds, a book I have not yet read but certainly plan to in the next few days. The meme continued: "The third sentence determines your sex life in 2013."

Such fun. Okay, page thirty-five... here we are. Third sentence... okay.

"It is all about theory and putting it into practice."

JOLLY GOOD VERY HELPFUL

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Bullet-Magnet
Doctor Doodad
United Kingdom
Guild of Calamitous Intent: Junior Member
Masters of Evil: Auxiliary Member
Legion of Doom: Affiliate, July '10 Villain of the Month
Evil League of Evil: Applicant
Republican Party: Council of Elders
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:iconavfc4me:
avfc4me Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2018
We moved. Come find us.
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:iconraenafyn:
Raenafyn Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
As it would appear, the last comment is me wishing you happy birthday two years ago...
If you ever return to your account, Happy Birthday!
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:iconraenafyn:
Raenafyn Featured By Owner Edited Jun 26, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday! :cake:

Edit: I realize I already wished you happy birthday earlier in the week, but eh, why not? XD
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:iconavfc4me:
avfc4me Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2015
You are still the funniest man on the planet. 
The Daily Show needs someone to take over. I was sitting here looking through old stuff and trying to remember...

What I remember, on nearly every post, is how incredibly BRIGHT and WITTY you are, and combine that with a keen bit of wordsmithing and Damn. 

It's an honor. 
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:iconraenafyn:
Raenafyn Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy early birthday! :party:
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:iconavfc4me:
avfc4me Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014
So what ever happened to the bird planet? Did people stop calling it that? 
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:icondraco-94:
Draco-94 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014
I keep waiting for your avatar to accidentally cut his pony tail off with that lightsaber lol
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:iconbullet-magnet:
Bullet-Magnet Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014
Oh man, you have no idea, I had to train him for months to not do that. That ate into precious potty-training time. For me.
Reply
:iconakumaryoshi:
AkumaRyoshi Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Cool artwork :D
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:iconraenafyn:
Raenafyn Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Dem Steampunk Goggles :icondatassplz:
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