text me back
holds my hot hand.
it lingers in my palm,
dances along my life line,
says, see, i always belonged
when i look at my skin
i imagine sadness.
there is no explanation —
my fingers are fear,
the nails of me trembling.
i bite them down but it doesn't help.
i am sad in a way that does not
fit on paper. i am sad in a way
that grows on me like vines.
three days go by and i imagine my bed
as the earth. i imagine that by lying here
i am nourishing something, that something
is drawing energy from me. a single flower
blooms from my chest.
it is nice to feel needed even when you do nothing at all.
i am full of heartache
and i wait for you and i wait for you
on this earth-bed
but i don't think you will ever really come to me.
so i brush my teeth. i wash my hair.
i know you are happy without me and that makes me cry.
it is just me, and my palm-fed grief.
i wouldn't love me, either
You're not an idiot; heartache makes us do things we sometimes look back on and become ashamed of.
I did something similar once to someone I met here on dA; at the time, I loved him way too much and was convinced I couldn't live without him, but he only wanted to be friends. I kept trying anyway. But then I realized I was being kind of rude and selfish for trying to make him think and feel a certain way when he clearly wasn't able to. To this day I get embarrassed in front of myself because, of all people, I know what it's like to be forced to think a thought or feel an emotion that just isn't in me to think or feel.
Sometimes things just are as they are, and one can't really change it. But one can transform the byproduct of the chaos that ensues into something constructive. Like this poem. It's fantastic and constructive. Keep writing, because eventually it will lead to a catharsis that feels freer than you thought you were when you loved the person who seems not to reciprocate.
I tell myself all the time, one of my exes made me feel trapped in a relationship by my own feelings and misconceptions. Then when that ex had broken up with me I at first felt sad but then I felt a great burden lifted from me and I was free from him. Free from beating myself up and believing that he was the end-all and be-all of my life when in truth, he was a scumbag who purposefully tried to make me jealous by bringing up unnecessary things about his exes. And I thought, he needs someone who can actually put up with his bullshit.
Try to think of it like this: if the person you're after doesn't even want you in their life as a friend, then they are not worth your precious time. You have better things to do than to chase after people who are not worthy of your love. Your love is an important and rewarding thing. If someone doesn't see your worth than they are not the kind of person you want to have in your life because they will just drag you down again and again. You'll be worse off in life because of that person.
Right now, all you can do is let the heartache run its course, and of course write about it. You'll feel free in time, trust me. I've been through big breakups like this at least twice in my life thus far and I've learned so much. I've learned that freedom comes from being yourself in a world where people often press you to be something you're not.
Me? I'm an artist, a writer, a lover, and a warrior. I'm not about to let anyone take that away from me. The only way they can is to get through my kung fu grip on what I do and what I know to do. I’m not about to let some jerk tell me that I shouldn’t be an artist, or a writer, or a lover, or a warrior. It will always be in me to create. And if someone doesn’t like it, tough gallotz! They get what they get.
Now go out there and be a poet, be an artist, be someone who truly embodies the saying: “To thine own self be true.”