literature

lavender

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Literature Text

loss tastes like this: you fucking hate lavender,

so when you broke my heart, i lit my room up with it,

sprayed the perfume, set the diffuser, lit the candles.

i hope the scent swims in my veins, i hope it replaces

the brightredwarm of my blood.


i have dreams where i pull it from my throat

in thick, purple reeds—hanahaki disease,

the doctor in my nightmare tells me—

i leave them on your doorstep, wet and choked.

i wake up. i paint my eyelids purple,

and then i cry my makeup off.


when you broke my heart, i wanted to break yours, too,

but i couldn't.

hurting you meant guilt heavy on a heart that was already shattered. already bleeding.

hurting you meant grief in the cathedral of my chest

make it burst open in hymn, that organ of my heart,

loud, river-flown.


hurting you meant you would hurt, too.

there is no poetry in hurting somebody else.


loss tastes like this: you apologize. i forgive you.

i let you back in. this is the part where the whole crowd boos—

i know how this goes.

but maybe you don't understand what it feels like to want somebody to love you so badly

you would kick your own teeth in.

you would swallow them down.


you would let them hurt you again because the thought of not having them burns.

maybe you don't understand the terror of the unknown,

because losing her means losing my heart and

i don't want to be without her.


maybe you don't understand, maybe you don't understand.

it's not bad. loving her is beautiful.


i love her like honeywater. it calls hummingbirds, blossoms flowers,

spins dust into ribbons. she was the brightest part of my day,

sunshine to open windows, breeze to curtains.


but sometimes the rain still pours.

i love her but the rain still pours.

the rain still pours.


i still have my grown lavender. i don't know what to do with it.

a prose poem
a word vomit
an i don't know but i am so fucking sad 
-
i haven't written much in a year sorry
Published:
© 2020 - 2021 brokenfragilethings
Comments8
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CouchSessions's avatar

"i have dreams where i pull it from my throat

in thick, purple reeds—hanahaki disease,

the doctor in my nightmare tells me—

i leave them on your doorstep, wet and choked."


Wow.


Also "there is no poetry in hurting somebody else." -- Truths.


<3 That species of lavender never dies, but the stranglehold loosens in time.

myriadwhitedarkness's avatar

'but maybe you don't understand what it feels like to want somebody to love you so badly

you would kick your own teeth in.

you would swallow them down.'


Christ these lines hit so hard. I guess I would start by saying that this poem-or at least the pain in this poem is so visceral and physical. Your use of words here is very very powerful in a way that's a bit like a fall off the top of a building. It speaks to the quality of the poem, but also the expression of the artist...so both, essentially. The second thing I would say from what little I can draw from this is that I hope things get better for you. And I say that from the perspective of someone who has had to learn the very hard way that wanting love to this degree, no one should have to want something this badly in order to receive it. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. Hopefully that doesn't sound patronizing, and I apologize if it does. Discovering yourself via writing after heartbreak is a monumental task, so please be good to yourself. Thank you for sharing, and hopefully the season treats you kindly.

incalyscent's avatar

absolutely STUNNING

brokenfragilethings's avatar
YOU ARE STUNNING THANK YOU
Sagittarianism's avatar

This is a fabulous poem. I know how sadness feels; the only good thing about feeling so intensely is that it yields such genius work as this.

You'll be okay. And don't apologize; you need to take care of you and if that means a long hiatus, then I'm glad.

Feel better, my friend. :hug:


Peace Sign Emoji

brokenfragilethings's avatar

thank you so much for saying this. i haven't had the motivation but

heartbreak truly does do that LMAO


thank you for the well wishes. i hope you are, too!

blanketings's avatar

okay but this is so GOOD though?? it's so raw and powerful and i just love everything about it-- the tone and the imagery are just perfect and that repetition of "the rain still pours" towards the end hit me so hard lmao? i just love this a lot <3 i saw your journal about feeling like you don't know how to write anymore and i've been there-- it def takes a lot of time and false starts to feel natural with it again but this piece is just so natural and flowing and beautiful and just incredible <3

brokenfragilethings's avatar

AHHHH thank you so much : (((


i really appreciate all of this, and the heart you shared in this comment. for reading my journal, too. it's a really bumpy road. thank you for loving this!! it's very messy and all over the place, but i am so happy you like it!

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