It's stupid how I'm still angry at him, and I think I always will be, which is why I stopped talking to him and why I couldn't (and probably can never) be friends with him. What he said to me and how he treated me near the end of our relationship (and recently) will probably always be a part of me, whether as a way to remind myself never to have someone like that in my life again or because I just can't seem to let go of things that hurt me. There is no doubt in my mind that in some way, my personality also led to the demise of the relationship, but I still can't bring myself to forgive him, and there was definitely precedent for my fears/worries.
How did I miss all of those red flags? Or did I notice them and just push them away because I was so desperate for "love" and attention? I talk to my friends about the stuff he said and did, and they tell me I should have noticed this stuff sooner and essentially left him. How could I have been so blind? Trying to break up with me the day (same night???) after taking my virginity. Having me drive an hour to visit him and participating in a sex-filled weekend, just to break up with me right after. In fact, I'm almost 100% percent sure he broke up with me right after we had sex, which goes to show just how much he took advantage of me. He could have fucking just called me up to break up with me, but NO. He had to have one last rendezvous because he knew the break-up was coming. Plus (like I typed in my previous journal entry), he never made the effort to visit me. *I* always had to drive the two hours back and forth just so we could spend time together. I feel like he only put effort into the relationship when it came to sex because he's so fucking obsessed with it. The kicker, and what pretty much put the nail in the coffin is he had the nerve to warn me to not be so upset with a guy who breaks up with me just because I have protruding pelvic bone. I CANNOT believe he thought that I would actually keep talking to him after all of that shit, plus more. (Even though I did for a bit, I eventually broke off all contact and blocked him. Thankfully.)
I wish I could tell him that the main reason why I never could get used to talking to him is because if I kept doing it and actually considered him a friend, it would be like me forgiving him for all that he's said and done, and I feel like I shouldn't forgive him. To be honest, I feel like he doesn't deserve any of my attention, and I hope for his sake and the next women he dates, he treats her better because no woman deserves to feel unloved, unwanted, and not beautiful. I don't care about all the compliments he gave me(, which quite frankly, I still believe was for the sole purpose of getting into my pants again). They mean nothing. He left. Actions speak louder than words, so how can I believe anything he said?
I hope I get over this anger soon, but like I said I probably never will. He was my first everything, and how the hell do you let that go when in the end, all it did was cause you so much pain and bitterness?