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down below
beneath low hanging
leaves

lives a world
so tiny and
serene

rain drops dance
while pink petals
sing

crickets chirp
far below the
evergreen

announcing love and life
on the ground
beneath
:sun:

inspired by JustACapharnaum's lovely macro:
 The ballet by JustACapharnaum
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:iconjustb:
I found this piece to be overall successful. I kind of get the sense that your writing mirrors nature. I think this would most likely be true more or less regardless of what you were writing about, but it is a style which comes across most clearly when the subject matter is nature itself.

From what I've gathered by briefly reviewing some of your work, some of your techniques carry a kind of extra significance when the imagery speaks for itself, such as 'rain drops' and 'pink petals' etc.

One thing to consider is a phrase like,

"down below beneath low hanging leaves"-

I think this phrase is strong. It stands out. It is associative. It is melodic. Look at another phrase here for example,

"crickets chirp far below the evergreen"-

Consider what if this was the only line in the poem, how would the impression in the reader be changed? I want to say that this line is successful in contributing to the poem because if the remainder of the poem were removed, I don't think a reader would come away with a very different impression of the poem overall. In that sense, the line serves the overall mantra of the piece, the art of it, quite well.

Contrast those strong and dynamic lines with the poem's final line:

"announcing love and life on the ground beneath"-

Now, I get that arrangement matters, and that context matters, but when you look at these phrases solely on how they contribute to the overall impression that is left in a reader, I think you have to conclude that this line does the least for the overall impression, and yet, it bears the weight of codifying the poem's imagery within the reader, as a final point of emphasis. In that sense, the final line serves the overall feeling of the piece with the least effectively. That isn't to say that all stanzas should be complete ideas or fully formed images, but it does point out how those stanzas which are more defined, that rely less on the remainder of the poem to carry their significance, do more to serve the impression that a reader leaves with.

I felt this from a previous piece as well. I think the moment of silence line, which I felt underwhelmed. The nice part about poetry is that there is a complete freedom in this regard. It doesn't need to be complete. And it seems as though Haiku is something you enjoy exploring, and it makes perfect sense. These are just ideas to consider as you continue to write and find what you enjoy out of doing so.

Okay, so I was hoping I could submit my review without using this star system because I would rather say what I think than click arbitrary scales of stars. But since it is required, I will at least comment on them. The vision is pristine. You are communicating something very clearly with words, and that is hard to do.

Originality, I feel the style is less than original, but that being said, there is something to be said for making good use out of the style you chose in this piece. It would be one thing to use slow, evocative, imagery-dappled language, using a congruence of line breaks to almost indicate to the reader the speed at which the language should be discerned, almost like suggesting that the words should themselves be savored, almost highlighting the way in which the line blurs- when affording each syllable its due deliberation- between the source of appreciation, to beg the question, is it the words which induce this reverence? Or is it the reverence which ascribes these words? I get that. But it is one thing to do it poorly, and another to make effective use of it. So you get a mark against for originality, but a mark for, for effectively navigating something which has marked many a poetic effort prior.

As far as technique, I think there are some things that could be cleaned up. Some ideas which could be more succinct, perhaps, such that the overall piece is enhanced by each phrase, each word, each pause, with exactness. It is not enough to skip a half note, to reach a final, triumphant chord. When you are being so compact with your words, they all need to count resoundingly. When one is out of place by a smidgeon, the integrity of the whole composition sours.

And finally, with impact, I think you could make a case that you deserve a final mark of "pristine," in this department because in truth, you are hitting the mark with your intent. There are some pieces that I felt less enthralled by, but you clearly can hit your mark. As a matter of fact, you may even be more effective in your impact than in your vision. Perhaps overall that is my summation. I think your vision is there, but an area where you could improve may be in allowing that vision to be more universal, and the impact is certainly there, but when the vision is turned to an "11" as they say in the movie, Spinal Tap, when your vision is less doubtful, your impact will grow by that much more. Blessings!
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:iconburntherabbitout:
Burntherabbitout Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2016
I can't help but smile as I read these poems just creating these calming scenes in my mind 
really nice
also helps that im listening to some guitar
a sunny afternoon 
with butterflies fluttering?
anyways this is nice
Reply
:iconstemmybotanist:
StemmyBotanist Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the rhythmic pacing of this! :noes:
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:iconbrennennn:
brennennn Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2016
Awesome, I'm glad to hear it!  Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconyumi-skull:
yumi-skull Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
woah this is awesome! i like it! 
you also published this on my bday ^^
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:iconbrennennn:
brennennn Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2015
Awesome!  And thank you so much. :)
Reply
:iconyumi-skull:
yumi-skull Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
np
Reply
:iconscarletwarmth:
ScarletWarmth Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2015   General Artist
Great imagery! great flow of words as well. I love your humble tribute to JustACapharnaum
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:iconjustacapharnaum:
JustACapharnaum Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2015
:heart:
I needed brennenxr to write something based on this photograph, I knew he could do just the perfect poem for it :love:
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:iconisaacfrozen:
Isaacfrozen Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2015
This is my fav!
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:iconbrennennn:
brennennn Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2015
Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconmustlovelaura:
mustlovelaura Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2015  Hobbyist
so happy :)
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:iconbrennennn:
brennennn Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2015
:heart:
Reply
:iconhosagu:
hosagu Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
:heart:
Reply
:iconbrennennn:
brennennn Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2015
Thanks Houman! :) :heart:
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:iconhosagu:
hosagu Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
You're welcome Monsieur.
Reply
:iconleopold002:
Leopold002 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
the third stanza really fires the imagination. Heart Hug Love 
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:iconslenderblade:
slenderblade Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2015
technical: rain drops dance 

emotional: this feels just perfect, like morning dew under my bare feet. the scent is there, too. lively and verdant.
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:iconbrennennn:
brennennn Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2015
Thanks, Ian. :hug: I've fixed the error, stupid fingers.
Reply
:iconslenderblade:
slenderblade Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2015
:heart:
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