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WARNING: This review contains extremely controversial opinions about an

extremely overrated game. If you flame the author over this, then you can fuck

right off.


                                                               BdG Review:

                                                    Super Smash Bros. Brawl



Invariably, when a series goes to the 3rd and 4th installments, the franchise

usually gets worse. However, when I heard about Brawl coming out, I had a

feeling it would break that trend. After all, politicians spend half their time

preaching about how the future will be brighter than the present, and I always

saw myself as a politician (Yeah right).



However, after buying into the hype, I was bombarded with delay, after delay,

after delay (almost as many times as I delayed this review).



But once 2008 rolled around, and the stream of delays finally ceased, I realized

that politicians weren’t the only ones that needed to stop fucking predicting; so did

the fan[boys]. Not one review I saw gave it less than a 9, which annoyed me

immensely, due the fact that I’m a complete bastard.



But finally, about 2 weeks after it came out, the hype was over and done with, and

I thought, “Finally! Now I can play the game in peace!” That explains why I’m not a

politician.



No sooner than a day after I started Subspace Emissary did I finish it, feeling

thoroughly cheated, mostly due to the bullshit-eating, fanservice-dripping ending,

and the fact that every character was unlocked, unlike in Melee when you had to

leave the game on for 24 hours straight to unlock Mewtwo. Seriously Nintendo, if

you’re honestly going to make a fighting game with a story mode (something that

almost invariably sucks), at least make it a coherent one! Brawl’s cutscenes are so

confusing, and so in need of narration, that it makes me wish even Jason

motherfucking Griffith was narrating this mess- er I mean, “Story”.



As soon as you boot up Brawl from the Wii menu, you’re immediately bombarded

with a full-fledged, beautifully-scored 2 minute long cutscene featuring all of the

characters acting like badasses. Imagine my disappointment when I actually

started with the game.



But first I want to talk about the cutscene itself, and I must admit that the graphics

and music are really good. Every single frame is pre-rendered to great effect, and

the music is mostly remixes, which are usually better than the original score.

However those two stars are almost immediately torn off when you get to the

meat of the game, and realize that Nintendo has once again, fucked themselves

over.



Which brings me to the meat of the review; the gameplay and story, and it’s going

to be a while because there’s a MASSIVE amount of it.



When the menu came up, I immediately chose Subspace Emissary, and started

watching the opening movie. Also, on a side note, I will say the story starts off

pretty well. The story starts with Mario fighting Kirby until- holy shit! Aliens! This is

starting to look like the latest Indiana Jones film, only with better acting and

dialogue! But after the aliens attack, everything is pretty much a blur. I suppose

that the characters have to team up and go after the alien thingies, but after the

first 2 cutscenes, the term, “clusterfuck” ceases to be adequate for whatever is

happening in this, “story”.



Anyway, after the first cutscene, things got off to a flying start on the platforming

section. Let me explain, as if you don’t already know:



Subspace Emissary is like Adventure mode in Melee, in that it has platforming

segments broken up by brawling in the occasional boss battle. This is a great idea,

and it is better than Adventure mode in Melee.



However the nitpick express is coming back to haunt me. Although the platforming

is basic but fun, there are two problems.





1. The boss battles add up to little more than button mashing whenever the boss

comes near you.


And 2. The platforming areas are sometimes very badly designed. The idea of the

platforming is to make the game look like the old platformers the characters are

from, i.e., the Ice Climber’s stage looks like the old NES game, and the Metroid

stage is reminiscent of Super Metroid. However, some levels, like Pit’s, for example

look NOTHING like their counterparts. Hell, in Pit’s stage it takes almost 30 seconds

for the first fart-gargling enemy to show up!




Now, those may seem like nitpicks, but put them together and this is what

happens:




Repetitive boss battles + Badly designed platforming = Very dull experience.




You see, the most important aspect of a platformer is that has to be interesting,

littered with amazing boss fights and strategic jumping, like the dragon fight in

Megaman 2. SE, on the other hand, fails in both categories and fails to impress in

every way but, again, the graphics and music.



So, after I finally finished SE, which was pretty long considering this is a fighting

game, I figured that maybe Solo would be better. I immediately chose Ike, being

the cheap bastard that I am, and started Brawling (Pun intended. Humor not

received. Dejected writer committing suicide.)



“Now this is more like it!” I thought to myself as I started going against all comers,

but after a while, I started having strange feelings of déjà vu. The problem is that

Solo mode has hardly evolved beyond Classic mode of its predecessor, which is a

lot worse than it sounds, because this is 7 shit gargling years after Melee was

released.



And that brings me to my next paragraph, the hype. Seriously, this puts The Dark

Knight to shame. Now this isn’t so much as a complaint about the game so much as

a complaint about the politics surrounding it, but I’m pretty sure it was a dumb

idea to have AN ENTIRE FUCKING WEBSITE give away every secret about the game

almost a year before it’s released. I mean, imagine if 3D Realms started a site to

give away every nuance of the plot, secrets, and weapons about Duke Nukem

Forever, a game that seems like it’s never going to be released. We’d think they’d

gone batshit crazy, and you’d be right! (Then again we already knew 3D Realms

was off their rockers, didn’t we?)



No game or anything else, for that matter should be hyped this much, because you

know that unless it turns out to be the Second Coming, it’ll be a huge fucking

disappointment. This, in my mind, is exactly what Brawl is; a disappointment.



Now, I need to go take a shit.



..

.

Okay, I’m back.



Now then, I want to get onto the one thing that we all were all having wet dreams

about the moment Brawl was released, the online multiplayer.



This was a great idea, and still is, and it was also done pretty well, but it has three

problems:




A: The load times are extremely annoying, especially the first time you play.



B: The game lags slightly. At first I thought it was my connection, but once I played

Mario Kart Wii with absolutely no problems whatsoever, I have to assume it’s the

game.



And C: If you play Brawl against complete strangers, you will be bored out of your

skull, and often want to strangle your opponent with your nunchuck (hopefully,

you’re not playing with the nunchuck attachment, though). People get out at the

last second, and they use cheap characters (Yes, I’m aware of the hypocrisy in that

statement, but I don’t care.)



Instead, play with friends. This will usually work a lot better because you’ll be able

to strangle them the next time you see them at school. Although this kind of begs

the question, “Why bother with the online, if playing next to your friend works just

as well?” But now I’m just being stupid.



And finally, I’m going to talk about the stage builder, and the character roster. First

the stage builder.



Now, I think it’s a great idea for a game like Brawl to have a stage creator. Pity you

can’t do enough with it. The key word here is “execution”. it was a great idea, but

once it was done Nintendo failed to realize that having nothing but grey platforms,

grey spikes, and other similarly colored things robs the created stages of the

same fun factor you get in the normal mode, although I must admit the stages I

created with nothing but moving platforms and spikes was rather fun to look at,

and suicidal to play in.



And finally, the characters. After Melee’s incredibly annoying problems with clones,

Brawl promised us, “There are no clones!” However, after playing it I think that the

creators of the game could be good president, because that was a load of utter

bollocks.



There are clones, and lots of them. Albeit, not as bad as Melee, but anyone with a

brain will be able to see that Ganondorf, Fox, and Wolf are all clones of each other,

and that Lucas is Ness, but with a slightly better move set. Most of the characters

can be put into the following groups:





The good:
Captain Falcon, Falco, Fox, Ike, Kirby, Mario, Meta Knight, Pit, Samus and Zero Suit Samus, Snake, Toon Link, and Wario


The bad:
Bowser, Diddy Kong, Donkey Kong, Ice Climbers, Jigglypuff, King Dedede, Lucas, Luigi, Marth, Mr. Game and Watch, Ness, Olimar, Peach, Pikachu, Pokemon Trainer, R.O.B., Yoshi, Zelda/Sheik


And the incredibly overrated:
Ganondorf, Link, Lucario, and Sonic




Yeah, most aren’t that great. And where the fuck is Megaman?!


In closing, Brawl disappointed me to no end. It was repetitive, got boring very

quickly, was repetitive, had annoying loading times, and was repetitive. The two

lone stars for the music and graphics are almost immediately taken away when you

take into account the gameplay and story.



The main problem is that it hasn’t deviated enough from it’s predecessor. it has

plenty of modes of gameplay, but they feel more like work than play, to the point

where it’s the Fable 2 argument:



“You can, but why would you want to?”



You can…


Unlock every character without playing Subspace Emissary.


Get every trophy, assist character, song, and sticker.


Play every demo under the sun,


                                            BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?!


Considering they’ve been working on this game for 5 years, I expected more,

Nintendo. Much more.  So I say, rent it. It’s fun while it lasts, but don’t count on it

to grow wings, form a halo, and start forgiving sins any time soon, although that

would be fucking awesome.
*EDIT* When I said Ganondorf, Fox and Wolf are clones, I meant Falco, not Ganondorf. Whoops!



Finally, the review is up in my new writing style. Hope you enjoy it, and tell your friends. Also, if you flame me because of my opinions, I've got seven words:


Don't read my reviews, you motherfucking troll.

Ciao.
:iconlogicalpencils:
logicalpencils Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2014
If you don't expect people to disagree with you, don't make reviews.
The problem with this review is that you were focused way too much on the SE and the hype. Heck, you said so yourself.
The meat of the game is Brawling, and it's absolutely awesome!
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