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By bonbon3272   |   Watch
2 9 701 (1 Today)
Published: June 18, 2008
"Hey, mom?" Mona Victoria stepped into the kitchen, the richness of spices perfuming the air while her mother prepared dinner. "Stacy just called. She's having a slumber party at her place. Can I go?"

"Who called?" Her mother half turned to peer over one shoulder, hands continuing to kneed dough for biscuits.

"Stacy. She's having a slumber party."

Mona's mother stopped her work to fix a glass of water. "Mona, honey, you know how much I fret when you go with people I don't know."

Mona lowered her eyebrows. "What are you talking about? You've known Stacy for years! And quit calling me that. It's Victoria now. Remember? I switched over when Dad was converted."

"Your father is a good man."

Mona rolled her eyes. "Was, Mom. Was."

"That's nice, dear." Her mother went back to making biscuits while her daughter stood studying her movements.

"Do I need to readjust your circuit again?" The girl walked up and unbuttoned her mother's blouse. She opened a small  metal door to reveal wires running along her mother's back. Reaching in, she switched off a lever. Her mother instantly slumped.

With a sigh, Mona dialed her friend and waited until the rings were finally answered.

"It happened again," Mona said. "Just like last time."

"There must be an error in the memory block. I'll check into it."

"No, I'll do it this time, Stace. I'd like to add in a bit more past memories as well. It's hard to converse with so little data. Maybe an emotion chip would help."

"What!"

Mona held the cell phone away from her ear.

"You might as well have an adult living with you," Stacie said. "Do you really want that? You know how controlling they can be."

"I don't know, Stace. It gets rather lonely not having someone to share feelings with. And this new program, Purity is Reality - it's just not cuttin' it anymore. I liked my parents before they were converted. Even Josh. Remember him? We were thinking of marrying sometime down the road."

"But marriage is illegal now! Don't tell me you're maturing. You know what happens if you’re caught that way."

"I know, but I can't help it. I just wish - "

At that moment, the back door burst open. Men in black rushed in.

Stacie listened in silence. The struggle did not last long. She sighed when the phone was taken over by a new voice.

"We have her, Miss."

"Good. The last thing we need is another adult in our lives. We need to be kids, to be pure." She paused. "See if a chip will erase those nasty memories. Not too much. I'd still liked her to remember me."
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© 2008 - 2019 bonbon3272
Short Story with a twist ~ I changed the title since the contest ended before July.
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Comments9
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devcybiko's avatar
hey bonnie. this is a nice bit of flash fiction. you come to the story sort of in the middle, you establish relationships quickly, and you offer a twist at the end. i like it a lot. there isn't a lot of time for world building in flash - so you have to get in and get to the point quickly. good work!
bonbon3272's avatar
bonbon3272Professional Digital Artist
Thanks Greg. I originally wrote it for a contest, but the contest failed when the person who posted it suddenly left. Bummer, right? Maybe I'll find another contest to submit to. Or magazine.
bloodrose83's avatar
bloodrose83Hobbyist Writer
Back to comment like I said I'd be.

I enjoyed the premise for this a lot. :) I'm not sure if you had a word limit or not and I know with the ultra-short stories it can be hard to do, but maybe a little more 'show' and less 'tell' would help this out a little more. Not that it's not very good as it is. Programming parents, brilliant, I'm sure every kid had a time in their lives where they wished they could do that. =P Poor Mona, too.

I'm curious to know what Mona's dad was converted to. I might have missed that in-text and if I did, I'm sorry. Stacie doesn't seem like she's annoyed with Mona's changes towards adulthood enough to justify the last line in my mind, so maybe adding a line that intensifies her distaste for adulthood a little more might help?

These are just some suggestions on my part, so feel free to implement or ignore them as you will. I still think it's crummy they stopped the contest before you could finish, to me it seems you would have stood a fair chance. :)
bonbon3272's avatar
bonbon3272Professional Digital Artist
Yea, me too. And yes, there was a word limit, but as I didn't fully exceed that, I might want to change it up a bit because I hate the ending. The last line doesn't make sense, and it's too choppy in places. Also, I hate the title.
bloodrose83's avatar
bloodrose83Hobbyist Writer
For me, the title's the last thing I come up with and if I need help, I ask a friend to read it and ask what they might like to name it if it was their story. I don't dislike the ending itself, I just think that it may need a few more details in order for it to make sense within the context it's being portrayed in, if that makes sense? If you need help with it, I'd be happy to suggest things. :)
bonbon3272's avatar
bonbon3272Professional Digital Artist
I think I'll change a few things, the ending for one so that it makes more sense.
bloodrose83's avatar
bloodrose83Hobbyist Writer
Editing's all part of the process. Good luck with everything and if you need help, I'd be glad to assist.
bonbon3272's avatar
bonbon3272Professional Digital Artist
thatnks :)
bloodrose83's avatar
bloodrose83Hobbyist Writer
No problem, anytime. :)
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