This is an entry that I'm writing a lot sooner than I've thought. As you can tell from the title, this is gonna be the last entry, hopefully not the definitive final entry, but the last entry in a long time nevertheless. It's not that I won't be on here anymore, but rather, I won't be drawing anymore. Why the early retirement?
It's because of a few intertwined reasons. First, I'm going to be starting architecture school in a few months. It's well known that people in architecture schools don't have a life. As a joke goes, they're merely machines that turn coffee and red bulls into architecture models. I have a friend who's doing architecture. He literally takes more than a week to reply to my messages. Go figure. This alone is hardly a reason for my retirement. I'll have to reference my previous journal entries (which aren't there anymore since I had to do a bit of memory purging).
As you probably know (due to my incessant posting on the topic), I had to pass up on the offer from Cornell Architecture because I couldn't secure a scholarship with my st-t-tutter, even after an appeal. Just in case you're wondering why I didn't just get a loan, well, in Singapore, you're eligible for a loan of 8x your guarantor's income. For me, this translates to a loan for 3 month's tuition I feel obliged to compensate for this loss, even overcompensate. Hence, on top of my architecture course, I'd like to take on other modules. I won't go into details, but let's just say I'll be allergic to sunlight by the time I'm done with my degree. With a normal architecture degree, I would have been able to squeeze in a few drawings during my summer break. That's not feasible with my intended workload. I foresee myself getting sponsorship from Red Bull and Monster Energy.
"You're a rational and just person and you'll rightfully blame that son of a bitch responsible for your stutter - yourself. Every failure directs a bit more hatred inwards. You start personifying your speech impaired self as the asshole responsible for all your failures, in an attempt to rationalize the causeless disability." This is a quote from the entry on the 5 things people don't tell you about stuttering, and therein lies the last reason for my retirement. A large number of my friends are on scholarships to study at prestigious schools like U. Penn, Duke, UCLA, London School of Economics. In fact, in my clique, all but 3 people are going overseas, and the other 2 who stayed behind are doing prestigious courses as well. And then there's me. Whenever I speak to them, I feel a combination of tremendous humiliation and self loathing. People tried to cheer me up by telling me "At least you were accepted into Cornell!". I was always too polite to respond with what I was really thinking.
"...you don't have the means to express yourself, even if your interviewers have the listening capacity of a $200/hour shrink ... It doesn't matter if they empathize with your pain. They cannot hire based on sympathy. The icing on the cake comes when you see people getting the jobs that you wanted, people whose idea of preparing for interviews consists of being clothed and awake." That's another quote from the same entry, and that's exactly what happened. So when you put this and what I mentioned in the above paragraph together, what you get is one pissed off stuttering moron. The idea that I would continue to draw, to devote 40 hours to a drawing while my friends are light years ahead in life is just preposterous. This morning, when I awoke and looked up at the drawings on my wall, I was pissed off to no end so I took them all down.
For the immediate future, I'll try to complete the tutorial that I've been working on. If I don't do it now, it'll be years before I can resume. The way I see it, if everything goes as planned, it'll be about 7-8 years until I pick up a pencil again. Perhaps this would be the perfect reason to complete my tutorial. I will need it.
To all my friends here, thank you for all the support that you've given me over the years. I honestly think that's what really made my experience here so great, and also the reason for my progression. I don't suppose I would be able to draw like I do if people hadn't shown me just what can be achieved with just graphite. So once again, thank you