This is considered a followup to my previous journal that I did last week.
I haven't really been the best kind of person that everyone was hoping for me to be. This month was when it really began this massive colossal downfall with very little hope in thinking that I can pick myself back up and continue on down the good path on where I left off. But no matter what I would go, there'd always be mistakes for me to make and dumb decisions that I'd subconsciously make, without double thinking and checking that this would look bad for myself and my persona. As well as my reputation and the general person of who I am, overall. I sure pissed off a lot of people this month and it was because of my idiotic manipulative and corrupt self. The worst part about all this was, I had no idea what I was doing. And I wasn't fully aware on how this was gonna come across full circle.
I've been very infamous for these things. And I came off as selfish, heartless and greedy. Even back then. I'm talking about years ago. Even during the late 2000s, early 2010s. It's actually one of the reasons why I was hijacked by keyloggers back exactly seven years ago, today. This is no secret. Plus, this was even before I branched out to other platforms! I was pissing everyone off, because of how braggy and obnoxious I've been back then. And this was even before I met the friends that are close to me to this day from 2013 and onwards, which I've been having issues with some of them, as of lately. And some of those bad remainings still stick inside of me, today. Even to this day, it still leaves a scar in my brain. The attacks done specifically against me were really bad, but it really got ugly when they also targeted my friends.
Doing what I did here, is how a modern-day corrupt far-right neocon politician acts. And some can argue that I am fit to be that type of person. I was acting not only like an immature, manipulative, guilt- tripping kind of guy who didn't care on how others felt, but also I was being cold, bitter and jealous with others because they were getting stuff from my friend that I had a fallout with, while I argued that I wasn't getting anything despite also being close (though not as close as I wanted to hope to be with). Yes, I felt that way. And though, I did him gifts and multiple requests that the same guy asked me to do. Then I realized, it was because I wanted to show that I liked him a lot. I feel so foolish after guilt tripping and being a crybaby bitch asking for handouts. How can I be an idiot in thinking that he'd owe me stuff in return, when I did things for him? I did them because I really liked my friend a lot. On June 21st, I was already setting the red flag bar because of how I mentioned things that came off as me being that way. Being friends isn't about that. Being friends is about always being there for one another and showing that you always care. They would never leave you, even when tough times happen. Friends are part of your life that come with various connotations and there will be times when hard times happen. But I know that they will always be around for one another and show support. And unfortunately, I wasn't being too supportive. I abandoned the meaning what it's like to be a friend and let my fears and greed get the better of me. And winded up becoming who I didn't want to be. The grandmaster of manipulation. A lot of friends have been really disappointed and they were hoping that I would improve, but....I actually got a lot worse. Probably my worst since February.
If you're really sad for really long periods of times, you'll feel depressed, stressed and irritated. That bitter and jealous behavior will overcloud your judgement and it will control you. You'll get caught into drama and say vicious things that you don't mean to say. And the bad news is, this can give others ammunition to really bring you down. And that's what happened to me. I did this all to myself and not many are too happy about it. And I even came off as a a HUGE control freak who was using others for my own selfish and disgusting gain. And I had no intention. But it came off that way, anyway. And I feel like a blazing loser for such dastardly scheme. And like I said before, I did all that without even knowing nor thinking if this was gonna make me look like the whacko that I've became until it was far too late.
If there's anyway I can fix this, I just want to say that I am terribly sorry for being the idiot that I really was. And I know just simply apologizing isn't gonna be enough for this, due to colossal damages. There is seriously no good excuse to defend my bad decisions. But I am still hoping that others can at least believe in my sincerity to know that I've learned the hard way. I paid the price for my bad actions and that is the loss of one of my close friends being such cost. He has went his separate route in outrage due to how much of a dumb whiny bratty piece of shit I've been. And this really hurts me more than anyone else because my good image has been ripped apart to shreds. And it will take a good long time to piece myself back.
From now on, I will learn to be more patient with others, as well as learning to forgive my friends and forget the troubles without carrying on towards what I've been wanting to explain. It only matters if someone says sorry, just learn to be good and loyal and forgive them. Which unfortunately, I did carry on. And also, I will learn not to be such a cold-hearted bitter and jealous brute towards my friends, as I've been for the longest time. The special story is still cancelled, unfortunately. But most importantly, I should also learn to respect and understand people's differences. And also learn not to have too much hopes or expect too much from others as I have been. As someone who is in his mid-20s, this is to be expected from someone like me. I now know what I did was wrong. I hope that this will NEVER happen again ever again. Nobody should be in a screwed up situation such as this. But when you're the one who actually caused all this drama, people will avoid you like a virus. And here's hoping that some will at least know how bad I feel and how much I think of others now that they feel hurt and upset from how I was towards them.
Well, that's the end of this journal. And this is gonna haunt me for as long if others are still upset over this.- Blue.