It's been a very painful year.
My grandfather fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck, and became a 24/7 job. There was no one able to care for him except me, and feeling guilty for not doing enough for my other set of grandparents that passed away, I promised not to leave him until he was stabilized. It turns out the fall altered his mind, and was very senile and just overall toxic, as well as physically demanding with me having to do just about everything needed to be done and NOT needed to be done. I'm not the kind of person that says no, and the few times I tried just resulted in more emotional trauma than what was already there.
I had to tap into a coping mechanism that I used for the entire year of my senior year in highschool- silence. No one I know could have lasted seven months of social isolation with the most unreasonable person on the planet, so I guess stoicism was a useful ""skill"" to have learned. It won't help me forget the pain, but he's physically near to where he was before the fall- the 'debt' is paid, and the nightmare is over.
Moving forward, I see what needs to happen with the way I make art/code. I had time to think about things when I was there, pacing back and forth in a snowy moonlit field in the deep hours of night. I've always made by trial and error, fumbling in the dark until I make it to the other side. What I need to do is ask "why" first, not "how" or even "what", just why. Why do I need it, why does it exist- only then can I decide where it needs to go, what it is, and how to make it. Knowing what void in the world it fills will determine exactly what needs to happen, so I can complete it without losing direction, speed, or scope.
The first step of this is to reach a state of "mindfulness"- organization, steady routine, and replacing detrimental activities with better alternatives (replacing videogames with reading material, etc.)
I'm still in a state of transition, so I'll attempt to complete the large things I've started, and simply post what I have of small things I know I'll never complete (just for a sense of closure).
Everything in the future will be planned ahead of time and structurally organized, with "why" being the foremost question. (fingers crossed)
^ what I've been up to this year when not crying myself to sleep