"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. All these things will be lost in time, like tears in rain. "
I'm having...something of a Twilight Zone/Outer Limits/Black Mirror moment right now. Things aren't looking good. The party went fine, excellent even, but I did and saw things that made things fall apart afterward. I don't know when I'll be back after posting this. I'd like to say around the time the new year starts, but it's looking like a few weeks at best and never at worst. This isn't a suicide note. I'm going to try to stay stable and living as long as I can. It's just...well, my situation is a lot worse off than I thought, and I don't know how to fix it. In light of that...I'm deeply sorry for all the stories and roleplays I said I was going to do, said I'd do becuse I kept telling myself things weren't that bad. Me saying "I'm sorry" doesn't help much, but if you're upset, I understand. Maybe I'll make it up to you in some other life if it doesn't work out in this one.
I usually don't want to blame possible autism for my problems. I don't usually like to talk about my problems much, for fear of saying that I have it worse than others. Indeed, many people are going through torture far worse than anything I'm going through now. And maybe it's all in my head...But maybe it isn't. I just...know what I percieve. Maybe I'll look back on this goodbye message someday and laugh. Or maybe I'll cringe. But until I can be sure things are safe...I'm here typing this while I can, and just...trying to give you guys some idea of what happened to me. CSI Madmax was a deviant who wasn't so lucky, wasn't able to tell her story before she wound up on the streets. So, I hope this won't be the last you'll see of me, but for now, this is basically my last well and testament. I wound up putting in some otherkin-ish stuff that probably makes no sense, but my trust of my own perceptions isn't great right now.
The...not so open minded relatives I was doing favors for...were abusive parents. I told myself that I wouldn't think of them abusive, that I was a spoiled brat for thinking anything negative against them. But there's a chance they might institutionalize me for seemingly autistic facial expressions or mannerisms, or kick me out for it.
I made the terrible mistake of yelling back when I realized what direction they were going in. I didn't hit them or I swear to high heaven I would not be able to be posting this right now. I learned that my nicer relatives were also under the thumb of my abusers, and I accidentally put them in danger of losing their house. They were disappointed in me, but forgiving. I can't rag on them, at any rate. They helped me apologize profusely to what are, in effect, my owners. Things are stable...for now. I might be able to move into that house still. My friends may be able to pay off that house I was talking about and be truly free.
But that could all fall apart on a whim if my abusers deem it so. I have to take responsibility for my outburst...even thought I don't know if it was really my fault. There is a techique called gaslighting that abusers use to believe your suffering is all in your head. That it's your fault if you get punished for rebelling. That's you're just overreacting, that you're uppity, hysterical.
I don't know if that's what's happening to me. But here I am, just...taking my licks, taking responsibility even if I don't know what's going on, don't know if I have free will or the illusion of it, don't know what's real anymore.
It probably seems like I'm making myself out to be the unluckiest person in the world. But I've emotionally abused people online years ago, until I realized to late that I was acting in my abusers' image. So...I know that...it's not just me that's suffering in this world. This place isn't earth. It's either hell, or purgatory. It's a place where we are giving hearts, but punished for feeling, given mouths but expected not to scream.
"The nail thats stands out gets hammered down," as they say in Japan.
"Existence is pain"...As they also say in Japan.
So, like I said, this isn't a suicide note. I may feel like I can't move forward somtimes. But I never give into that impulse. Don't assume I died out on the streets unless a full two years without contact happens. I'll try to survive, even if I have to resort to...the world's oldest profression. But I'll try. I'll try to make it.
Because...I don't know who I've been in previous lives. I have hunches, and as part of my farewell here, I'll list a few of them in my sign off. I don't have time to be afraid of being put in some cringe compilation screencap, I have other things to worry about.
But I've tried. Damn it all, I've tried again and again, even before this life, to make it work, to find some kind of lasting happiness, to be a better person. And somehow, even I can't trust my own memory or perceptions...I don't think it's ever totally worked. But I'll keep going because...like I said I'm just...wired that way. I can't...stop, no matter how dire things get or how badly I fail.
Maybe we're all just following a script in someone else's story. Maybe none of this actually matters. But I'm not going to give up unless I absolutely have to. If I don't see any of you again, so long and well...even if it's a long, long time, hope to see you again. At least conciousness continuing to exist is something I can count on. I'll try to keep living but for now...I guess I gotta say bye.
- Teresa "Terri" Violet Tsukino/Amy Rose/Sally Acorn/Princess Elise/Blaze the Cat/Wade Wilson