So, lately I've been feeling like sh*t, I've been forcing myself to stay up all night and then going to sleep all day so I don't have to worry about my family asking all these questions about how I'm feeling because I know they won't understand and think I'd be lying for attention. My dad is always trying to make me something I don't want to be, he wants me to be like my sister, she's always productive and happy and straight, and I'm just lazy tired, gay and suicidal. I haven't seen him in about 3 months because if i ever saw him again I'd want to hurt myself. He sends me gifts and acts like he hasn't ruined my life, I used to be happy and productive but after everything he did I don't even want to leave my bed. I don't go to school anymore because I just couldn't get out of bed, so I was homeschooled. I was recently diagnosed with adhd (autism) and my dad thinks it's fake, when ever I was around him I always put on a mask, I always kept myself together no matter how much I wanted to cry, I acted like I still loved him but I don't. He is just another person I'll soon forget. My sister is always a b*tch to me because of what he says. She tells me to kill myself and says I'm fat and ugly. I was playing fortnite with her friend and my older sister and I was making some gay jokes, when she asked what a lesbian was I told her and she was disgusted. I'm to afraid to come out to my dad because I know he'd hate me, whenever we went out he'd always joke about wether I was going to get a boyfriend and I'd say nothing or idk because I just couldn't tell him. Everyone thinks they know me but they don't, my family just thinks I'm lazy but really I just hope to fall asleep and nether wake up. My dad thinks it's my mum's fault I won't see him because she hates him but I just want an actual dad that loves me for who I am. Though I don't hurt myself anymore I want too. My dad bought me an Easter egg this year hoping it would fix everything. He refuses to let me see my brother (my brother means everything to me and I've been with him since he was born) and uses him to try and make me go, I can't go see him because he has the right to take me away and my brothers mum can't do anything. He still has my presents from my bday last year (almost a year ago) and refuses to give them to me, he tries to bribe me with a laptop because he knows I want one. He always acts so horrible towards me, whenever my sister did something I was blamed, once my brother tried to stick up for me but he didn't care. My sister kicked me in the back once and even tho there was a bright red mark there he told me to stop looking for attention. His sister is the same (I don't call her my aunt because I don't like her) she always pressures me into stuff and left me alone once with my cousins and sister and brother (4 of them) while her and my dad had fun. I hate my cousins because they are always so loud and greedy. She always relies on me for everything because I'm the oldest so I should be showing them how to behave. I tried to explain I had anxiety but she didn't care and nether did my dad and they assumed I was saying that just to get out of it. When they went to play centers and theme parks I'd want to go in then as soon as we get they're my anxiety just hightens up and I don't want to do it. And since the stuff costs lots of money they take the blame on me and force me to do it because they payed for it. I only did if my brother was there because he wanted me to come. My brother understands if I don't want to do something and never acts like a brat like my sister. When I went he'd ask me to play Roblox and when I said I wanted to talk to my friends he was ok with it but my sister gets mad and tells on me. Once I was talking to some close friends on mine and I swear al ot even tho I'm not allowed and all the covos with my friends are private because I vent alot to my friends and they help me, my dad forced me to show him the messages so we had to delete our chat room and make a new one. I hate him alot and never want to see him again, ever since last year I've just hated him so much, he tried to take me away from my friends and family, My mother suffers from bipolar and alot of other deseases, she's been to hospital alot and my dad makes fun of it, once we thought she had cancer and I thought I was going to lose her and all my dad said was 'what do you want to do when you come live with me' like he didn't even care that I thought she was going to die. (It wasn't cancer and she's fine dw) whenever my mother was taken into hospital wed always stay with my sister, my dad assumes we should stay with him because we shouldn't be around someone like her, my sister also has adhd and very bad anger issues (so bad she broke most of the doors in our house.) And thinks it's dangerous we are around her.
So yeah, I hate my dad. And I hope he burns in hell.
Sorry this was so long, I have alot on my mind and I just had to get it out. <3