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As of 9 am on Thursday Toby the Mexican white Schnauzer passed away. We first noticed something was wrong on Monday afternoon when we could not get him to eat his dinner. We assumed due to his teeth and old age that they were rotting away and it hurt him to eat. We tried to give him softer foods he likes like chicken and fish but even his favorite foods still could not get him to eat. My mouth then the night before his passing tried to give him medicine and as he opened his mouth he cried. We knew then something was not right. To make matters worse, he started to shake more and lay his head down like his mouth was sore.  My mom called the vet and left a message Wednesday night saying she was going to take him in the morning to see the vet. She tried to get him to sleep and he was up until 2 in the morning shaking violently in a seizure like state. When she did get a hold of the vet, he met her early to examine him and he said Tobys mass had gotten so big to where it was quite possibly now a tumor, he had gotten blinder and even lost nearly 10 pounds of weight. Poor Toby looked to be in such severe pain that it was at moment my mom decided to end his suffering instead of spending thousands of dollars on bloodwork or teeth surgery. He is in the process of being cremated, and my sister is still getting over the fact that she was in the room with my mom during his final goodbyes. I was in Houston for the rodeo and Galveston while it happened with my dad. I regret not being there to help more but thankful I was able to kiss Toby one last time before his death. He will truly be missed by me and my family as we are struggling to accept he is no longer here. Rudy is still confused and thinks Toby is on vacation as he keeps looking around the house for his big brother. It will take time to get over him but he was the best damn dog, yes he could an asshole and growl at me and people, but at the same time he was so smart and loving. I could go on and on about what a loving dog he was but just typing this journal is becoming difficult on me. I have done nothing but cry for 3 days straight now so if I am still away for a long time this is why. Toby wherever you are, we love you and hope you are finally at peace. We are truly grateful to have spent these last 12 years of our lives with you in it. xoxo
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: A Taste For Monsters by Matthew Kirby
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: nothing
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: Guinness
last night i was experiencing some mild chest pain as i was sleeping. woke up this morning to an even more intensified pain between my breasts and below my bra line. my mom makes me call the doctor assuming it was an upper respiratory infection since im crying that it hurts to breathe. when i get to the doctor he is pressing around on my chest and saying if i did not have a cough or any other pain in my ribcage or sides then it was pain related to something else. he then asked if my bra size was effecting it, or my spine. i said no since i have the correct bra size and never get chest pain during back aches. usually just sometimes headaches and my back felt fine. after feeling around on my chest he said i couldve possible sprained my sternum while sleeping or other things but wanted to do blood work to make sure my hemoglobin levels were fine and that my white blood cells were working properly. there could be a possibility that i am anemic, have blood cell problems or worse. freaking the fuck out hoping im ok. they have to take apparently according to my mom 4-5 bottles of my blood and my mom had to rub my head and hold me down while i screamed and shook violently because i was freaking out so bad when they drew my blood. the nurse had to call my mom into the mom because i could not calm down. the large needle had me panicking so severely. i really really really do not do well around needles. i felt mildly dizzy after but not entirely sick to my stomach. i was still shaking afterwards as well. i just hope i can sleep tonight since as i lay on my bed now...im struggling a bit to type this as my arm is sore from the blood work and im biting on my lip to ignore the chest pain. it feels like a hammer pounded my chest or like i have an orange in there that has been freshly squeezed for juice. if that makes any sense? idk... but yeah  

PS: im pissed cus unless this clears up or we figure out whats wrong i cant drink any caffeine which means no coffee. thankfully i can drink hot decaf tea... (i drink only hot herbal or snapple but shit snapple has caffeine NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) :tears:
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: A Taste For Monsters by Matthew Kirby
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: Batman Season 2 Episode 4
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
well this is just a wonderful jolly old start to the year aint it? the singer of the band "The Cranberries" passed away suddenly yesterday at the age of 46. Im just very startled since I used to listen to her stuff growing up. heck i even sang her songs for a solo audition in high school choir multiple times. my parents saw her live before her band really took off. im just emotional and wish to god it could have been Donald cocksucker ass Trump. all the good people seem to die so suddenly. its just not fair. seriously i want to throw a giant ass party with tacos and everything when Donald drops down dead.  but who knows when the hell that will be? just praying to god we Americans have the common sense not to re-elect him in 2020. knowing how stupid we were to nominate him i wouldnt doubt seeing his ugly ass face only a mother could love in office again.

hope the rest of you all are doing well... just been super busy since the holidays and still wishing i had a damn job. everyone seems to out for the type of positions im applying for in office and its a real pain in the ass. hope to god i find something soon otherwise i literally might at this point get a damn job at mcdonalds. but no i refuse to steep that low with a god awful paycheck. i want at least $7 something an hour but if its a high quality job for experienced computer people like me then id say between $10-15 per hour but really i am not expecting that much for my second job.  also do not want to sound like a gold digger snob with too high of expectations. although i do have high expectations when it comes to finding that special someone in my life and do not expect them to ever come into my life any time soon. i actually am doing fine being single since i seem to attempt to pull into many dipshits anyways. XD well here i go rattling off the walls again.  yeah im gonna go nows im currently freezing my tits off no joke cus its like 30 degrees and dropping down to a low of 13 tonight here in Texas. trying to stay warm. excited cus im making roasted parsnips & carrots with potatoes in a white wine sauce with porkchops and mashed potatoes with chives for dinner. my mom hates parsnips since my grandparents always made them for her growing up. ive been bugging for them all year XD i only get to eat them like literally maybe if im lucky, twice a year. so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy for veggies :D
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: A Taste For Monsters by Matthew Kirby
  • Watching: Casper The Friendly Ghost Cartoons
  • Playing: The Evil Within (almost ready for sequel)
  • Eating: porkchops, mashed taters, and parsnips
  • Drinking: mango pineapple smoothie
if your a Gorillaz fan like me then you would know who Noodle is otherwise you can just use Google. so yeahhhhhhh long time no talk... just have not felt like being on here that much anymore... mehh... too lazy i guess... not motivated either... :S

anyways.........why the hell does it have to rain today? of all damn days...??! shit i was looking forward to putting on damn makeup but that would just rinse right on off as im walking around for candy from my neighbors.oh wells... at least this means more candy left over and probably less trick-or-treaters....
(yes i trick-or-treat but only in my neighborhood with just neighbors houses cus im too damn old for it) it wouldve made my damn costume much more cooler. D: also im going to be fucking pissed if my damn pumpkins get ruined due to the rain. i spent like 2 hours on both. one of which involved painting the entire thing and getting paint all over my hands...and then the traditional carving...this pumpkin had no damn seeds in it hardly for a big ass honker sized thing. but it sure as hell had a lot of guts to pull out....

have not watched too many horror movies for this month sadly... mehhh i guess i just could not find any goodies to watch and well tv sucks since its always the same shit repetitively or like idk...shit ive seen a thousand times. idk... i did see the latest childs play movie ...it was cool but the ending ......O_O is really really twisted.

well im going to see if i can get my new pc game (the evil within) to work... wish i couldve had it for xbox one but none of the stores sell the 3 year old game. i didnt feel like ordering online cus id have to use freaking Amazon... what makes me mad is i had to pay $60 for the damn game on pc when if you buy it for other consoles it cost like $20. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?! ITS BULLSHIT! WHY SO MUCH FOR A DAMN PC GAME?! it had better damn work since idk if i can return it ...more than likely ill get a giftcard ....well hope it also does not scare me too much

so tata for now. byessssssssssss

PS: i have a really bad canker sore from hell thats huge and been over 2 weeks now.. wish this fucker would disappear already. been rinsing it with mouthwash constantly, applying antiacid tablets, using orajel, etc... this fucker does not want to leave! ><
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: The Evil Within
  • Eating: Homemade chicken noodle soup
  • Drinking: Raspberry Diet Snapple tea
Ok i really am not ok now. First the love of my life well i thought he was... but if you read my previous journal you would understand the pain i have in my broken heart... but now the lead singer of one of my favorite bands growing up killed himself today. Chester from the band Linkin Park is dead. I wish this was fucking nightmare. I knew he was suffering from depression like me but i just... wish he could have held on longer. I was even planning to see him in August but.. this is just unbelievable. I will buy the last Linkin Park album now in memory like i need to do with Bowie. I only have his greatest hits but i own all of Chesters albums. I... really really am not ok right now. FUCK MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEE! Im trying not to hit my head against a wall right now. why couldnt it have been fucking Donald ass Trump or Russel Brand?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I really wish this was a god damn nightmare and i was drunk and dreaming this shit up but holy fuck someone just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be alright. cus i feel like the world has gone to shit. :tears:
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: Injustice 2
  • Eating: Casserole
  • Drinking: Purple Haze beer
i cant take it anymore i just want to die. im tired of being alone and no one liking me. im tired of trying so hard for someone to like me to only have them mock me in my face, abuse me or just get fed up with me. idk why im even here in this world. am i just a fucking annoyance to everyone?! and why did my boyfriend have to delete his damn Line account? i feel like its all my fault cus i got mad he didnt wish me a happy birthday. idk if it was he didnt pay his phone bill or what. i feel like its my fault but that would be immature of him. i just... dont want to be here anymore. im tired of crying 24/7. i cant breathe my chest keeps on squeezing me. why did i wake up? no one gives a damn about me and god is just a fucking asshole that wants my life to be a living hell for me all the time.
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: nothing
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: tea
well i was trying to see my vacation pics on my laptop and the old SD card wouldnt pop up so then i tried my camera but got a message saying it cannot be read. So because the card had a small chip that you can insert in you phone, i thought oh well maybe i can email me the pics off my phone. BIG ASS DUMB MISTAKE! THE COCKSUCKING THING GETS JAMMED! so im trying to get it out and when i almost had it with my fingers, the son of a bitching thing gets pushed back further. im trying desperately to find something to pull it out gently and figure oh maybe tweezers would work but instead it ended up screwing it up more. the phone store managed to pull it out and had to unscrew my screen but now said my phone no longer works and theyre trying to see if they can insert a new SIMS card. I now have to wait 4 days to see if i will be getting a new phone or not. im just beyond pissed because im als trying to install the app i had been using to talk to my boyfriend on my laptop and the son of a bitching thing will not log me into my account. i thought id create a new one but noooooooooooooo it asks for a damn phone number to send a verification code. >< fmllllllllll i just hope they can fix it and hopefully when i do get a phone back i can read him or what not. if i get a new phone it will be a samsung s7 edge instead of my S6 active. *sighs* i guess its a good thing its only costing $350 instead of more but still... i really wish i had a damn time machine.
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: Need to buy Resident Evil 7 DLC
  • Eating: wish i could make cinnamon rolls but ovens broken
  • Drinking: water
well I am supposed to be going to Orlando, FL tomorrow with my little sister to Disneyworld for 4 days and then on the 10th we will be going to Universal Studios but I am hoping that I do not get any sicker out there. What started out as a mild runny nose ended up turning into a migraine from hell followed by a slight sore throat has developed into the title of this journal... my damn nose is so congested and swollen i can hardly breathe out of it and constantly have to blow the muscus hurricane out of it. its gross yes i know but shit i just want to be able to breathe its making me sound so nasily and if i blow too hard i sneeze badly which makes me cough and my chest hurts. ughhhhh well on the bright side i can make all those spoiled ass brats there sick. *evil grin* yes you all shall get sick MUAHAHAHAHAHA! plus my dad said if our hotel has a sauna or umm theres a sauna near by i can use that. heck my sister got us fast passes for disneyworld and i finally get to meet Ariel. omg omg omg childhhood dream is finally accomplished. HELL YEAH MOFOS :D XD

but even though I have been to Disneyworld before, i am looking forward to going with my baby sister and umm exploring new rides... we might even do a tea party in the England area of Epcot. hahahaha im kinda hoping to run into Mary Poppins just for laughs but yeah i mean shes cool but god that movies cute and I love Dick van Dyke but shit his crappy fake Cockney accent is hysterical. idk iam tempted to sing that "chim chiminey" song if i run into her XDDD

as for Universal Studios I AM GOING TO HOGWARTS FUCK YESSSSS I AM GOING TO EAT CHOCOLATE FROGS AND DRINK BUTTER BEER BUT HOLY FUCK IF THEY HAVE A RIDE WHERE YOU CAN PLAY QUIDDITCH THEN MY FUCKING MIND IS LITERALLY GOING TO EXPLODE! its already partially exploded when i found out that they have a ride of the train/station. im so excited but yeah hope to god this illness goes away. taking nasal spray and antibotics... thank god for riccola cough drops as well.

well look forward to lots of pics... the international flower festival is going on in Disneyworld so there will be lots of plants that are disney character themed and what not. so excited cus i saw the ending of it when i first went to Disneyworld and it was awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: Ghostland by Collin Dickey (whenever i feel like)
  • Watching: My Little Pony
  • Playing: Really want to buy/play Resident Evil 7
  • Eating: wish i had a mountain of ben and jerrys
  • Drinking: Tea (god bless warm tea right now )
well........i officially have no living grandparents...as of sunday my grandmother passed away. Strangely enough that morning i had a dream that someone was going to die and the first thing i hear when i wake up is my mom screaming on the phone with my aunt that her mother just died. we all were expecting it to happen soon since she had dementia so bad and was really sick but... this happened a little too soon. i am grateful i spent the holidays with her never the less and while i am sad she has passed away....i...regret not having as close of a relationship with my moms parents like i did with my dads. i do have some good memories of spending time with them though. like i remember one christmas season when my grandma made this desert in the oven where you wrap a whole apple with pastry dough and cover it with cinnamon and top it with ice cream. i remember her making us breakfast burritos every morning and tea when i was really sick which i did not drink at the time because my taste buds hated it as a kid XDD. heck she even gave me a vintage English silver tea set for xmas one year... and me being a little girl thought it was meant for tea parties not decoration so i actually used it and got scolded at XDDD. my mother had to hide it somewhere because she was scared of it rusting. but what else is sad is that i found out my dads brother was diagnosed with bladder cancer.. and we are not sure which stage he is at. hes coming to visit in march for a few days due to a work meeting he has out here. i just hope no one else dies or gets sick.. it too me feels like every time i finally get over grieving something else pops up. :( so yeah... and i just wish my ass could find another job soon... not looking forward to doing more office work but... its either that or put up with bitchy customers in my face. lord only knows id get fired right away for cussing the customer out if they had a go at me. i also dont want to go back to college again to change my career. i mean i have thought about it but i fucking hated school period. well... i will admit there have been some assignments ive done that were fun but if you were like me who got bullied badly from daycare up to college then you can understand why school is the place of nightmares. anyways... sorry if i am not talking much lately i just am still in shock from all this...

Ps: I managed to defeat Bioshock in 2 days and Bioshock 2 in 4... damn im good at video games XD well kinda... yeah...
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: Ghostland by Collin Dickey
  • Watching: YouTube subscriptions
  • Playing: Bioshock Infinite
  • Eating: chicken flavored ramen
  • Drinking: nothing...
okay well thanks to a special someone for letting me know about the new metallica album cus my mind after listening to these two songs... im... holy fuck i couldnt stop headbanging and just screaming "FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" omg.. i literally am speechless as hell right now... i am so pumped. i wanna go shoot some zombie or something right now... oh wait... then again there's trump yeah but yeah... fine ill stick to my xbox one... but the day something makes an option where you can blow up a zombie version of trump with a grenade or molotov... then ill start singing the national anthem again. until then feel free to check out for yourself these two new rockcore as shit songs off metallica's  new album, " hardwired...to self -destruct"  which got released today. god i remember my teenage years and some kid years when i used to listen to metallica... its been years since ive heard anything good from them in a long time so this was a real treat for me and i hope it is for any other fans as well.

1.) Moth Into Flame


2). Hardwired


now that i got some energy i think ill start uploading those halloween pictures.. but no one better give me any bullshit shennigans about me uploading them so damn late.
  • Listening to: my head blowing off still from that epic guitar
  • Reading: the end of this journal laughing XD
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: Batman Episodic game by Telltale?, Recore
  • Eating: i was eating some Frito chips earlier...
  • Drinking: Diet Snapple Raspberry tea
well yesterday we had to take mister Rudy to the vet to get his teeth cleaned and being the smart stubborn ass Scottish terrier he is, he refused to go into the doors of the vet so they had to carry him and scoot him into the room because he kept sitting his ass down every time they dragged him along. they also called to inform us that he had a small growth that they removed thankfully before it got bigger and became cancerous. so now my poor little baby has to wear a cone on his head for 10 days and has a BIG as fuck scar/stitches underneath his belly. the poor thing was whimpering and trying so hard to scratch at it last night when we brought him home.

     ive never felt so bad for a dog before in all my life and vet said he had to sleep in a kennel since he could fall off or jump off our beds which could open up his stitches. he also cannot go up and down the stairs so we have to gate those off.  BUTTTTTTTTTTTT after seeing how miserable the poor animal is already feeling, my father and i realized that putting Rudy into a kennel to sleep at night would just be unbearable and uncomfortable for the dog because he already has a hard time trying to lay his head down with the cone in the way. my bed is where he has always slept by my side with his favorite blanket and pillows puffed up to his liking. so hes sleeping by my side for comfort. he fell asleep eventually but i had to keep waking up to make sure he would not scratch and adjust his cone a little bit so he could lay his head against the pillow. thankfully he has pain medicine but being a smart as fuck scottie dog, you have to be clever in getting him to swallow a pill because he wont open his mouth up if he sees it, he will jerk his head away and back up from you if you try to get it down his throat. he does not like peanut butter either. we could hide in yogurt which he lovessssssssss but the dairy could make the medicine not be as affective. so we have to rely on treats in hopes that he does not spit it out. he also is a little princess when it comes to treats. XD but hes doing ok despite the fact that every time i look at him and gaze into his eyes with that blue cone around him it just makes me wanna bawl some more and hug him. so yeah i... may not upload any stuff right away... idk maybe the halloween pictures will be tomorrow or thursday. i know i keep putting it off but this happened unexpectedly and my baby is more important than me plopping my ass down in front of my laptop and uploading pictures for amusement. one might question me then as to why i am writing this journal even? well to inform you all why i might not be on that much lately.

     so yeah... AND FURTHERMORE I HOPE THIS DAMN TIME I UPLOAD PICTURES OF ME NO PERVERT MAN WANTING TO GET LAID TRIES TO FLIRT WITH ME AGAIN.  YOU WILL FAIL MISERABLY AND KNOW WHAT A DOG FEELS LIKE WHEN IT GETS SPADED IF YOU EVEN TRY TO COME NEAR ME. SHEESH SORRY BUT IM NOT INTERESTED! GO WANK OFF IN THE CORNER AND CRY TO YOUR MOTHER ABOUT WHAT A PATHETIC MISERABLE EXCUSE OF A MAN YOU ARE! just wanted to get this off my chest because i have been getting alot of guys flirting with me in public, and there's a bit of weirdos on here too...not all men but... i know there are some out there that are morons...  and im literally one step away from going full on Clockwork Orange mode/crazy bitch mode on them. just needed to get that off my chest because i feel like the woman being violated by Donald Trump every time some idiotic imbecile man tries to hit me up. i swear to god i hate  when guys that think sex is the answer to everything.  i get it im cute okay i dont see it but yeah... and still i dont give a flying fuck if i sound like a constable bitchface here but like i have my own dignity/freedom womanly rights and i tend to keep it that way. thank you that is all.
  • Listening to: me laughing inside my head after reading this
  • Reading: the end of this journal laughing XD
  • Watching: nothing but really want to see Moana
  • Playing: Batman Episodic game by Telltale?, Recore
  • Eating: i cant get myself to eat anything
  • Drinking: water
I am NOTTTTTTTTTTTTT ashamed nor apologizing for the title... for once in my life i honest to god agree with other countries that america is pure shit. every one of us americans ought to feel ashamed and stupid for even considering Trump to be president. you all are doing the wrong thing voting on a fucking con artist prickhole who only cares about himself and wears a hobo mans mop end for hair. I mean seriously are you all that fucking stupid!? thats it someone please just kill that fucker if he wins or... idk... i want to be dead. i dont want to live in this shithole anymore i have never been more serious in my life right now. and i am not trying to sound like an attention grabbing whore. its bad enough as it is with the hell ive got through from the start of this year along with the end up until now. i literally feel like the joy of life has been sucked right out from me and this bloodsucking incompetent fool is not helping. and i had a dream last night he won for president. fuck almighty. no one give me any Jesus and God shit either no praying for me... because ive kept my motherfucking cool all year long all day.. and lord only knows we NEED a BIG fucking MIRACLE. I want out of this country... idk where ill go and i cant go by myself because... oh idk because  ill be illegal and im disabled (not handicapped mentally) and probably  will be homeless... well i know what i want for christmas. i want someone to put a damn bullet through that fuckers head. heck id do it myself if i could because i know then even if i went to jail for it at least that fucker the son the damn offspring of Satan himself has been put to rest and i in my mind will go down in history having done a good deed... well getting rid of someone who really really needs... just fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk i dont want to wake up tomorrow. god i hope i die in my sleep. i already know who won after watching the results for hours. THE WORLD IS FUCKED THANKS ALOT MY FELLOW IDIOT AMERICANS! HOWEVER YES LORD FEEL FREE TO LAUGH IN MY FACE IF YOU DO PRODUCE A MIRACLE AS I SLEEP AND CLINTON WINS OTHERWISE ... PLEASE JUST... GRANT ME ETERNAL SLEEP! PLEASE. :tears:

no i am not crazy... i have severe anxiety disorder and i am really really not ok right now I DONT NEED A DOCTOR I JUST WANT THE WORLD TO WAKE THE FUCK UP SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME ITS ONLY A DREAM TELL ME THIS IS NOT REAL FUCKKKK :tears:

and damnit i was drinking until i could not tell what was going on but it didnt do shit... i didnt make my drink strong enough shitttt
  • Listening to: me screaming inside and out
  • Reading: nothing.....
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: Batman Episodic game by Talltale?, Recore
  • Eating: Troll Sugar Cookies
  • Drinking: A BIG ASS SHOT OF BUSHMILLS AND GINGER ALE
as of 3 days ago after sitting down carving out one of 2 pumpkins i carved for halloween, my back was acting up... i assumed it was from sitting down for too long and thought nothing of it...however that pain has progressed worse to the point where i could barely move with out screaming my eyes out and limping. ive had mild scoloisis since i was child.. (my spine curves inward at the end) and well ive had back pain before but never to the point where after taking aspirin, using a heat pad and taking a bubble bath, it all does not help... my doctor has given me steroids and muscle relaxers for pain and recommended walking more and doing exercises to see if it loosens up suggesting that i pulled it out. if this doesnt not help i am to go back and get an x-ray because they think I might possibly have a torn disk in my spine or something else wrong. so im sorry if i upload my halloween pics a bit late whether it be a week or too.. i was planning to on Halloween or the day after but ive been crying non stop and have barely done anything other than sit on my ass and play my nintendo 3ds all day. i feel like a 75 year old women and im only 25.... lord someone just stick one of those fucking needles they give to preggies during childbirth. i hate needles but i seriously wish i could numb the fuck out of it right now... it hurts to bend over, lay down or even stretch...my back twitches and its unbearable. i just hope i wont be on a damn walker or wheelchair this xmas. :tears:

so yeah NO ONE BITCH ME OUT ABOUT LATE HALLOWEEN PIC UPLOADS EVENTUALLY.
  • Listening to: nothing...
  • Reading: nothing.....
  • Watching: Beetlejuice cartoon series, lilo and stitch
  • Playing: Batman Episodic game by Talltale?, Recore
  • Eating: chocolate chip cookie
  • Drinking: milk
i....got let go and am not welcome back at my job...because it keeps getting busier and busier and i just... cant keep up with it... its not that im not capable of doing it... i just... have to do things at my own pace because... my mind cant handle it... i will miss the nice people yes... but... its a relief to not have to be stressed out over the sound of the bell ringing everytime someone comes in for a meeting...

my only problem now is....wtf am i going to do now with my life? idk... im relieved but in shock.... and .... im going to see groups to make friends and... another doctor to learn more about ...Aspergers Syndrome...and for sure diagnosis...god i swear idk how many doctors ive been too.... and i keep getting told one thing after another...i mean i dont care if i have it or not and im not ashamed of myself if i do or anybody who has it in that particular manner.. i just... feel like i have a right to know the truth...instead of feeling like... denial or... confused as to why... i cant... do things a certain way or communicate ....like i have the words in my head... but i cant get them out.... i...talk more through technology yes... but... it... still takes me a long time to get words to come out still...

I also am capable of doing grammar checking/spelling too when typing but... it takes me such a long time to do it that I get lazy so yeah XD


 and yeah.... i... think ill be ok... just.... really... terrified... i cant described what i am feeling right now tbh.... if i had the option and the money right now i honestly wish i could go spend the week at DisneyWorld....

but.... they just had a hurricane and there's those bastard asshole crocodiles slithering around everywhere. >< idk.. on the bright side ive been learning how to draw realistically with a sketch book doing my first ever actual sketches for the first time in my life and i am pretty... happy with the results :).... now if only i could figure out how to scan them to upload them on here... i also made how they smudge so easily if you rub it against something by accident...


I keep changing subjects... sorry... i just am trying to figure out wth to do right now... heh.... heh.... and.... also trying not to break down bawling again.... y-yeah.....

PS: FUCK YOU TARGET FOR NOT SPECIFYING ON THE DAMN COUPONS THAT IT ONLY WORKS ON TOYS AND BOARD GAMES! WHEN YOU SAY TOYS AND GAMES I AM THINK THAT ALSO INCLUDES VIDEO GAMES BUT NOOOOOOOOOO DAMN YOU! I WANTED THE NEW BATMAN GAME :tears: fuckkkkk was trying to get some early xmas shopping done slowly when i see deals on things at stores....shit i could've saved $25 or $10 off a purchase of $50 or more... son of a bitch...

oh wells... ill just budget and wait for coupons... really dont want to drain my money too down... right now... its not that im being cheap but jesus christ why the hell do they have to make video games so expensive?! greedy ass mofos... ><
  • Listening to: nothing...
  • Reading: nothing.....
  • Watching: might watch George A. Romero's The Crazies
  • Playing: Recore (shit ....2nd boss fight in game)
  • Eating: .....craving seafood....
  • Drinking: wish I could try that new Crown Royal Vanilla
really....JUST FUCKING REALLY?! FIRST WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE GOING APE SHIT ON THE COPS FOR ALL THESE RANDOM SHOOTINGS  HAPPENING DUE TO RACIAL TENSIONS AND HECK PEOPLE EITHER NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES OR JUST THE COPS NOT DOING THEIR JOB PROPERLY IN THE END ALL ALIVES MATTER! except for those fuckers that molest and harm children or just take a life for no god damn reason then yes their lives don't matter but for god's sake.. the world has gone to utter shit with this Presidential debate, all these mass shootings.. . AND NOW PEOPLE ARE DECIDING TO POKE FUN AT PEOPLE TERRIFIED OF CLOWNS BY DRESSING UP AS THEM?! FOR FUCKS SAKE WTF IS GOING ON?! i might as well stay inside my damn house at night. i enjoy walking my dogs but now im scared some crazy mofo dressed up as clown is going to come and rip out my soul. and its not because of that movie "IT" i have a SEVEREEEEEEEEEEEEE phobia of clowns. (joker is coool though... but yes... when... heath ledger played him thats the only time joker scared me...).. but the fact that people are doing it in promotion for a renewal of that classic Stephen King movie or just to peck fun of people like me who suffer from a phobia like that amongst others... is just ... god... idk anymore... im stressed, im confused with what the hell is going on with my life .... the world..  and as of now i have to live in more fear of some pedophile clown coming out to get me both in my sleep and in reality. and we all thought Freddy Kruger was evil but... WHYYYYYYY WHYYYY CLOWNS JUST FUCKING WHY?! WHY COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN BARNEY?! AT LEAST I WOULD HAVE THE GUTS TO PUNCH HIM IN THE BALLSACK! OR SOMEONE DRESSED UP AS THAT GOD AWFUL CRAP BAND ONE DIRECTION OR RUSSEL BRAND?! BETTER YET HOW ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER DRESSED IN AN ACTUAL BEAVER SUIT! im just... ... FUCK YOU CLOWNS *hides under bed* :tears:

PS: i have absolutely no idea when the hell i am going to be able to upload stuff because i have alot going on ... in my life right now that my schedule keeps changing i am literally running back and forth nonstop for weeks... both mentally and physically... and this clown thing is really .... THAT'S IT IM BUYING A DAMN POCKET KNIFE, MAKING SOME MOLOTOVS, AND MAYBE GETTING ME A WINCHESTER RIFLE... then ill set my lazy ass down and chug me several pints of beer and wait for all this shit to pass over idk... im ok just really really reallyyyyyyyyy scared right now. :fear:
  • Listening to: nothing...
  • Reading: nothing.....
  • Watching: SNL
  • Playing: Recore (cant figure out .this boss fight >
  • Eating: pumpkin ice cream
  • Drinking: Bushmills with ginger ale
really.........confused... with life.... dont know how to relax anymore. cant remember.... who i was before that job or what i did for fun... it comes and goes... flashbacks... sometimes... memories.... well sorta... i feel like.... it feels so weird... not being at work... i honestly cant remember the last time ive been able to sit down and relax honestly... and im still trying to ....i just feel like a quitter like im running away... and im not but that job... has had me thrown off so bad... i... just... feel lost period..

i.. might... go to a book store tomorrow to buy some books on how to draw realistic art since ive had.... these... ideas/images stuck in my head for while... also had ideas of decorating for Halloween outside... and trying to find a good day.... to upload... the State Fair pictures..maybe... Wednesday idk when because i . just... am starting to go through more therapy right now. because of my anxiety disorder/depression....and... learning disabilites. ive... had since i was very small..... yeah i said it im not ashamed to admit it... .. i... im terrified... of myself..sometimes... because i get mood swings... which i cant control all the time and i get scared. of failing. due... to being criticized of making mistakes... and things having to be perfect from judgement from some teachers... .. talking to people..because... people would scream at me... telling me to go and be reborn and come out right.... wish i could rewind time and my past..and punch all those fuckers in the face who bullied me so bad. but... oh wells... school was a bitch period.... fucking bullies... rather not going into  full details of the worst bullying experiences of my life...

... but... from the time i started 1st grade up through college... yeah.. pure hell... but for this website and those that stood by me through the years... i really honest to god... thank you from the bottom of my heart.... im not trying to sound like one of those pathetic excuses that rant out their feelings like those annoying whiny ass chicks on facebook... i honestly to god... this website has saved... me and helped me get through so many traumatic experiences... growing up... the worst bullying was in high school and god... i just... thank you all for those that were there for me and helped me get through some really tough spots in my life... thank you deviantart for even existing because if it weren't for you guys or this website i... probably... would've been beyond over the edge and idk if i would... even still be here today honestly... but im not giving up on life... i just... am scared..

... and im also not ashamed to admit that im trying really hard not to bawl my eyes out while writing this... its like a combination of happy/scared tears... but ill get through it... perhaps... idk ... just... really not looking forward to more therapy but... yeah... AND NO IM NOT CRAZY/BIPOLAR OR MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE WITH IT... I...JUST... NEED... HELP.... :tears:
  • Listening to: Random 80's songs
  • Reading: nothing.....
  • Watching: My Little Pony or maybe some George. A. Romero
  • Playing: Recore (cant figure out .this boss fight >
  • Eating: red beans and rice
  • Drinking: wish i could chug a whole bottle of bushmills
ummmmmm....well............I have been through quite alot .... of stress lately. its family related...*sighs* really dont look forward to getting old but .. yeah... I am ok just.. also. been having a hard time sleeping or staying asleep at night... Idk why my mind is always wondering..  also i wish the allergy season was not bad because its making my skin want to be mean to me.which is. nothing new... my damn skins always been so evil...during certain seasons... grrrrrrrrrrrrr...although. it just sucks because im itchy more than ever this year. . X__X the pollen and mosquitos are terrible

..as for other things....ummm..... i keep wanting to upload stuff on here because heck i love photography always have always will... but... i just.. i have ideas to upload stuff but not sure what to upload. i guess i am just writing this for people to vote for those that watch and enjoy my art. because i honestly dont know what to upload. here are some options... which ever gets the most comments from the following below will win. oh screw it ill just up all 3 of the things below when i can... right now i am too damn exhausted to think... i also have been really reallyyyyyyyyyyy wanting to write poetry lately i miss that...  its calming however, I have really bad writers block like no tomorrow so if anyone wants to give me some suggestions i will give you some credit in the description box.

    i just yeah... all that is literally on my mind right now is  wanting my allergies and skin to stop being mean right now as well as wanting toby to let me sleep....and... Oktoberfest and apples... seriously why must you tv ads constantly show me pictures of apple strudel and what not?! :tears: YOU'RE MAKING ME WANT TO TURN INTO A GIANT APPLE PIE!  How do I like them apples you say? I LIKE THEM ALL XD except for granny smith apples...... the actual apple not Granny Smith from mlp no shes funny just for any other mlp fan out there reading this. so yeah just give me all some suggestions for poems... maybe ill do a fall one idk or one on apples ........

..for now... i just want to get past this level ive been stuck on for a while in the Blood and Wine expansion pack of the Witcher 3... because after that I am going to play Recore. and then FINALLYYYYYYY GOD IVE BEEN WAITING FOR YEARS FOR THIS HAPPEN! they finally brought Bioshock to a damn system for me too play on. i wanted to play it on my laptop when i was younger but i never had the right software and when i installed stuff like it...it always screwed my laptop up :( SO YEAH AND THANK YOU XBOX FOR BRING ON THE COLLECTION WOO HOOOOOOOO can't wait to buy that as well as ...that batman game from tall tales maybe... idk how it will compare to the other batman games ive played since its episodic but ill give it a go... yeah so list of future things to expect is below and yeah... peace out ....im going to go get my gamer on XD



List of things planning on uploading eventually below:

1. Halloween Decor for this year

2. Legos- (i have one set i just bought a while back i put together and a collection of others i have to rebuild but i am saving up for this batman joker themepark set i want really badly... IT HAS THE DAMN BATMOBILE THAT SHOOTS OUT A CANNON?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE COME OUT WITH THAT SOONER WHEN I WAS KID?! XD im just a really big batman fan ok? dont judge me... that was childhood...that and beetlejuice... and tim burton movies... and xmen evolution/justice league, mlp, tmnt...etc...

3. Disney on Ice- (god i still have... quite a few from the frozen one. there is this one im planning on seeing in november with my mom and a friend maybe....they have snow white... and that was always one of my favorite old disney movies as a kid... i love those cute ass dwarves. Grumpy reminds me so much of Toby my schnauzer... XDD..)
  • Listening to: the sound of my fan blowing cold air on me
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: The Witcher 3: Blood and Wine
  • Eating: chicken and dumplings
  • Drinking: coca cola... (rarely drink soda anymore)
holy shit i want to steal his leather jacket! i love guys in leather jackets its sexy! XD but also why does his jacket remind me of something out of a billy idol music video? OMG ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE BILLY IDOL ON THE NEW ALBUM OR BE INSPIRED BY HIM?! HOLY FUCK YES THAT WOULD EPIC! i love billy idol! anyways... 2Ds got some nice long eyelashes... cannot tell if hes wearing liner or not and hes got a new hairstyle... damnit i am too excited for the new album..... i just... think i may faint... DAMNIT WHY IS HE SO DAMN GOOD LOOKING?! *faints*

www.instagram.com/p/BGJd8OAyvp…


apparently after googling Billy Fury its some singer I have never heard of.... or maybe i have but dont recognize his music..... hmmmmm either way still loving that jacket XD

Also just... why can't i ever get this song out of my head? seriously this makes me wish i could go back into time in the 80's.... and its making me really want to save up for keyboard.... fuck it...next year I am getting one...waited my whole life for one... i am going to do it... even if i have to teach myself to play... heck i used to fuck around on the keyboards during choir class in college XD i would start playing the phantom of the opera.... but i can only play a small part with like one hand... so my experience sucks... whatevers...
  • Listening to: Pet Shop Boys- Always On My Mind
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: YouTube Videos
  • Playing: The Witcher 3: Blood and Wine
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: diet snapple
well before i go into the nightmare i went through coming home from work today... let us all wish my white mexican schnauzer toby a very merry birthday! he turned 12 today yayyy...but then again NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT MEANS HES OLD .....damnit i hate it when dogs get old cus then that means their lifes almost over :tears: oh wells he was a good first doggie but yeah... now hes curled up next to me on my bed in a little ball position fast asleep. so precious :heart: god my dogs are a real comfort to me right now... never been so relieved as of right now to be home... ok brace yourselfs.... because yes this actually happened to me and no its not made up...

as i was getting on the train at the train station from my work coming home.... i noticed this black guy yelling at the transportation police and i figured that if the guy came over i could just scream for help or use my pepper spray but it looked like at the time that they were going to take him to jail since they were taking notes in their notepad. However right as my train comes...i start freaking out because he gets on the train.... well... i originally was not planning to sit near him, however there were almost no seats left on the train and i get clausterphobic as well... i cant stand being trapped around many people in a tight space/corner... i need a bit of space to be able to breath and move my arms if i need to XD. so unfortunately i sat a few rows back from him and literally when the train is at like the first stop he looks at me and starts screaming shit about people smelling like crap on the train and that it smelled like ass on here... which well parts of it kinda did but what do you expect from a train that people liter on and god knows what else they do?! anyways.... then he starts screaming about how the police are idiots and that he could easily take them down but heres what scared me: as hes screaming hes looking at me and then looks around him and screams: I CAN TAKE YOU ALL DOWN! I HAVE WEAPONS! I WILL KILL/HURT YOU ALL! there was so much anger in his face...that i literally grabbed my shit and ran down the stairs as the trains moving...and started hyperventilating... i was telling people to call the police immediately. someone heard me and told me to press the emergency button which i did but i could not talk to the operator since she could not hear me and i was too freaked out... luckily someone helped me but the train did not stop until it got to the next train stop and the doors did not open...the operator starts walking back to investigate but unfortunately the creepy bastard somehow managed to get off at the previous stop before the operator could do anything. luckily i called the police right as i got to the train station near my house and quickly told them what i had happened before i could forget what the guy looked like....

but wait theres MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! literally i could not think at the time it could get any worse but oh it did. right as i am sitting down inside waiting for the bus to come drop me off at the stop near my house.... this guy with a black leather jacket comes over walking near me, looks at me and starts making purring kitty noises... I simply paid no attention to him rolling my eyes with my hands in my pockets touching my phone and pepper spray. he leaves after taking a sip of water from the fountain but literally after he leaves he taps loudly on the glass of the door window to grab everyones attention. I look and right as i look he mouths to me directly that he loves me. HOLY FUCK I LITERALLY LOST IT AT THAT MOMENT! i started crying on the phone to my mom who unfortunately was at the doctors office since she thinks she broke her toe. but she told me to get off at a stop near by and wait for them to come pick me up or just go home...i just decided fuck it i am almost home so i am going home and theres a police station/fire department literally 5-10 minutes up the street from my house. thank god i am home now...

the only good thing about today is that its friday yes and also memorial weekend so i get monday off and do not work until tuesday. 3 DAY WEEKEND YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! also really happy since my soot sprite dress from spirited away and alice in wonderland bracelet set i ordered from hot topic finally came in the mail today. its soooo cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee debating over uploading a picture of me in it or not... but mehhh scared of what people may think of my hair....and that i look ugly ...yeah... umm wells... still trying to calm myself down now... just enjoying some S'Mores flavored M&m's which are limited edition available only at Target. damn theyre gooddddddddddd! xD wells ttyl yeah... xoxo
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: YouTube Videos
  • Playing: Batman: Arkham Knight (bonus content)
  • Eating: S'mores M&M's
  • Drinking: water
Well today is the 38th bday for everyones beautiful favorite blue haired Brit boy singer from the virtual band Gorillaz aka my favorite band. surprised to see no journals in my mailbox XD now i would have done some art or something and no i did not forget his birthday...! I just have been so busy with work that i dont have the time to do much...plus when i do get free time i usually collapse on my bed exhausted, watch some YouTube videos or play my xbox one. so yeah... also i just found out that  Earl the maltese turned 9 yesterday. so yay happy birthday to the little guy. also i must say 2D looks really good for his age and no i am not saying hes old... i think when your 50 i can say thats old but yeah..ohhhh and Toby the schnauzer turns 12 on Friday of this week. :tears: ive had that baby since he was 18 months old... cant believe how old he is :iconsobplz: hes a mean ass son of a bitch of a dog but god i love him hes got the smartest and funniest personality although i wanted to kick his ass the other day since he opened the pantry door and somehow managed to pull out a new bag of chicken jerky treats that he ripped apart to shit. yes he can open and turn doorknobs...not kidding he is literally that off the charts smart! not to brag but seriously i have never met another dog as smart as mine... not saying that there arent smart dogs out there either but... literally you would have to meet my dog for yourself just to see how smart my dog is... he could literally be a circus dog.... but fuck circuses.... :fear: dont even talk about them ...saw a clown yesterday with pink hair that i walked right past at the main street festival in grapevine *shrivers* WHY WAS THERE A DAMN CLOWN THERE?! AND WHY DO PARENTS ENCOURAGE KIDS TO LIKE THEM BY PURSADING THEM WITH BALLOON?! I MEAN YES I LOVE BALLOONS BUT I DONT WANT SOME CREEPY ASS GOOFBALL WITH BIRD SHIT ON HIS FACE MAKING A BALLOON DOG THAT LOOKS LIKE A BENT UP PENIS! sorry but literally the doggie balloon animal just does not looks right to me especially when they first blow it up and start twisting it... and that crown thingy is no better either.... it looks like a circle with a boner on the top... sorry i am being completely random right now XDDDD rofl you know what i just am going to shutup right now and act like i never said anything... i needed a laugh anyways... been having scary nightmares lately... umm wells.. i am going to play the rest of the bonus content on Batman:Arkham knight since i finished the game and then idk what game is next..... but yeah... time to kick that mad hatter fuckers ass... hes my favorite villain from batman besides the penguin and joker/harley. the zombie grundys cool too but i fucking hate the riddler... no offense to fans... but hes so god damn annoying in the batman games.he is especially pissing me off with his catwoman rescue challenges..... i literally want to bitch slap him on purpose to shut him up or use a batarang on his mouth every time i am doing another task and his damn face shows up somewhere in gotham insulting me and telling me to get my ass over to his next challenge.  i can handle the riddles and trophy things mostly.... but the batmobile races its like a rage mode times ten... well gonna go kick some ass now... so...

ttyl xoxox
~Nat~
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: YouTube Videos
  • Playing: Batman: Arkham Knight (bonus content)
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water