Published: November 20, 2015
400 Years Ago . . .
They were calling him Alexander now, and he was not sure why, but it was better than the name they’d used on him before. He liked her, too, the girl who’d named him that, but he didn’t think she was so good at such things, because after she’d called him Alexander, the first time, she hadn’t used the name again, and he and the other younglings hadn’t known what to call her, before he thought of a name for her, but he didn’t want to use it, because it didn’t make sense to him, because he already knew Master Skywalker, and so to caller her Skywalker, or Master, like he’d thought, didn’t make much sense. Or at least not enough for him to tell the others about, and especially not Coldian, the oldest among them, yet.
He wondered why Master Yoda never seemed to remember who he said he was, but it didn’t bother him, because he only ever called him Master Yoda once, in front of the bad one, and it had been true, because he was afraid, and he had not wanted the bad one to know, or he would bind him to the dark side, like all the others, and Coldian knew that was true, but he told Alexander, often, that all he ever had to do was believe in Master Skywalker, and he would be safe from people like the bad one, whom Coldian called Master Windu, and the others called Master Mace Windu.
He did not know how Coldian used the name Master like that, when he spoke to people like the master windu, but he knew that he was not going to be able to tell the others he couldn’t do that; he would simply have to believe that master always meant just what he’d wanted it to mean, and so when Coldian changed what the word meant for himself, just before he said ‘Master Obiwan,” or ‘Master Skywalker,’ or ‘Master Kenobi,’ who were one and the same, in his mind, it was because he knew that Master was just a first name, and shouldn’t have to be carried over from one day to the next, in any sense of the world at large.
Coldian confused Master Anakin, and he knew that that was only because Master Skywalker wanted Coldian to be his apprentice in all things, and to take him on missions, and yet he was still called an apprentice by the fools’ council, and so he was not permitted to take a young one such as Coldian out with him, to be trained in the ways of the Force, out in the galaxy, where it really mattered.
Alexander hadn’t been able to leave the temple for longer than he’d thought, and it was making him ill lately, and he hadn’t known that Master Yoda was simply going to leave them here, on a different planetoid, in the same old temple, because really, a place was only as good as the people in it, and if Master Yoda kept dragging around the same dark presence, Alexander was afraid he was going to have to kill him for it, because it was making Alexander sick to his belly, and he knew that when he got sick like that, and really felt it, it was because it was making everyone else sick, too, and they didn’t know it, so he felt it doubly, for all of them, so he would know he had to change something about himself, and so about the world.
The old one, as Master Yoda was often called in Anakin’s mind, for he was not Anakin, but Alexander, and yet he liked to think he was Anakin, sometimes, out fighting evil with a lightsaber, as a warrior or soldier does, instead of just with his mind, like Alexander had always had to do. Coldian had been protecting the young ones at the temple since before Mace Windu had arrived there, in their fold, a master in name already, and he never knew that it was the same Coldian, so many years later, who was in the temple at the time of the fall of his jedi order, and thought Kyle did not know it either. . .
Hang on. . . who was Kyle, all of the sudden? Alexander didn’t know the name, but he thought he might have to use it, just now, when he saw Master Yoda, for an audience, and he knew that if that wasn’t true, then it wouldn’t matter that he’d used it anyway, because by the time he left his audience, he’d be Anakin again, but not really, because even though he could change his name quite often, here in the temple, Master Skywalker was never the same again twice, every time he saw him, and so Alexander couldn’t make the name Anakin stick for himself, and he didn’t know why.
It wasn’t uncommon for jedi apprentices to take their master’s name, or their friends’ name, just to try it out, and see how it changed them in the way they saw the Force, but Master Skywalker never needed a name that was not Skywalker or Vader, and Alexander knew that no one was allowed to call him Darth Vader yet, because. . .
Alexander found he couldn’t remember who Vader was, and he didn’t know the first name he had just thought of him by. It had to have been Anakin, he realized, and so he knew he’d been thinking of the name Anakin Skywalker, and he didn’t remember why it had sounded different to him, just then, or why he’d thought they weren’t allowed to call him Anakin Skywalker just yet.
Master Kenobi was not the same person as Obiwan Kenobi, because when Obiwan Kenobi came to see the younglings, he was gentle, and easy going, and easier still to laugh at the strange things the children said to him, but never in a way that made them think they should not say them anyway.
Master Kenobi was what he was when the bad one, or the old one were around, and Alexander knew that this was because he was afraid of the old one, or the bad one, even, and he did not want them to know who his friends were, younglings included, so when he was near them, he became someone else, in a moment’s notice, and was easy to talk to, still, but windu would never be able tell that he was friends with the younglings, as Master Kenobi often called them, because when he looked at the younglings, he saw no such person as Master Kenobi was, but he could see the imprint of their friend, Ben Kenobi, who was called Obiwan, to their eyes, and Mace Windu knew of no such person in the temple, and just as he should have, he thought the imprint was merely from a part of himself he had skillfully made himself forget about, and that the young ones loved him and trusted him above all the other masters.
This is what happened every time Darth Vader would come to see them, because he would usually be there right after Obiwan had shown himself, or right after Master Skywalker had told Coldian that he loved him, but could not take him as an apprentice, just yet, and somehow, Anakin knew that this was true, because he was never anyone besides Anakin Skywalker, who was always Master Skywalker to Coldian and some of the others, and who was always Darth Vader, too. He never had to change who he was, because he was so complex, that the bad one never knew what he was by looking at him, and so Anakin Skywalker never had to hide himself at all, in front of the young ones, there at the temple.
The Sith were coming, and Coldian was having nigthmares again. Alexander had thought to go to Yoda to speak of that, today, but he knew that Coldian would do so only for himself if he wanted, and so Alexander did not want to make Coldian a burden on Yoda’s mind, and hate him for it, so when he found Master Yoda, that day, it was in a hall, open to the courtyard, where some of the children had played, earlier, but they’d been told to clear out by the Force, and hadn’t known why, until Alexander had realized he’d need to find someone else waiting there, as he found Yoda, just now, and knew that if they had not left, he would not have appeared, and so he wondered for it.
He stalked Yoda for a while, like he usually did when he approached the sith who called themselves jedi masters, here in the temple, not on coruscant, nor tython, and yet Anakin was not there, and so al the jedi children knew that this was no jedi temple, even though he was sure that Yoda was closer to a star than a jedi, and he was closer to jedi than a sith, save for now, when Alexander wondered why he did not make himself known to Yoda, who had been particularly easy to stalk, just now, and he did not become aware of the boy’s presence there until later, when Alexander and Yoda both knew why.
He was safely out of sight, up on the shoulders of a very tall statue of yoda, out in the courtyard, and near the hall that the real Yoda stood in, and Alexander knew that the statue he was on was not of yoda, but of one like windu, and he did not know why he was confusing the two of them until the old one approached, and it was the bad one, in fact, and yoda was old again, instead of young, like Master Anakin and the other younglings wanted him to be.
Anakin did not look young like the others, any longer, and he did not wear a learner’s braid, but he had long hair, and scar over his left eye, though yoda often forgot what that looked like, or which was left, and which was right.
He was a yoda, just now, Alexander, was, and he knew that that was so that Mace Windu did not know he was there, because he did not want to be found by a windu, just now, and so Yoda, on the floor, let him, Alexander, be a yoda too, for tricks and hidings, which was a good idea, at this time.
“He will not listen to reason, this time, Master Yoda,” said the windu, and Alexander thought he was talking about Master Anakin, who the windu only ever called young skywalker. He did not know that it was the younglings in the temple that had named him that, and he did not know that it meant he was an angel, come to protect them from the evil gathered in the temple, at the bad one’s beck and call, but Yoda did not respond with words, right away, and so the evil windu continued, and Alexander, who was remembering to be a yoda, just then, waited quietly, wondering why Windu would think his own reason should be something another would listen to, anyway, if he were not evil, like he always claimed.
“Not your padawan, is he,” said the real Yoda, staring out at the courtyard, where hummingbirds swooped and spun out their delights. The hummingbirds and other animals who came here near the temple were of a rare sort, and Alexander let himself be distracted by them, for a while, so that he would stay blended in within Yoda’s aura, and so the evil windu he called the bad one did not see him there, up on the statue of a shoulder that looked more like a windu incarnate than it did a real jedi, like Yoda wanted to become, just before he died and became a star again, like he was programmed to do, these days.
“You sound like a droid, with that backwards speaking today, Master Yoda. It is not the boy’s tutelage that concerns me, but his continuing need to make himself noticed by these hair-brained stunts he keeps pulling in the line of his duty as a jedi. It makes the rest of us look reckless, and he cannot be permitted to continue this behavior, whatever his self-invented prophecy might say of him.”
Yoda rose his eyebrows, and said to Windu, clearly, “Not sure what could be done about the weather, if it did not prophecy for itself, Master Windu. No, not sure at all what could be done for it. Thinking jedi must needs be told what they are by a master, you are?”
“Not exactly, Master Yoda,” said Windu, not at all chastened or humbled by the remark that marked him fool. “He needs proper training in our ways, and Master Kenobi has done nothing but spoil the boy since his arrival here, and I doubt Master Quigon would have been so lenient on him, and I am having serious doubts as to the wisdom of placing those two together, any longer. They are a jeopardization to the order’s reputation and standing with the imperial senate.”
“Not one for senator’s disapproval, is Master Windu,” said Anakin, though he was only Alexander, just then, pretending he was Yoda, and Mace Windu did not even realize that it was a child’s voice, up above, that he’d heard, and not Yoda himself, right before him, and so he did not shrink from continuing his dissertation as though they were alone there.
“I am thinking only of the fate of the order, Master,” said Windu, apparently thinking his concern for things gave him the wright to own and control all other things.
“Not for sure you were speaking of mine, Mace Windu?” said the boy, and Yoda did not need to speak for Windu to reply, or start to, before he looked up questioningly at the actual source of the intrepid voice and spotted Alexander up there, watching the two of them.
“What are you doing up there, padawan?” he demanded and almost made it sound like a pleasant request. “You are not supposed to be climbing statues of ancient jedi like they were play things.”
Yoda spoke up this time, instead of Alexander. “Not sure what you mean, that young padawan is. Makes play things of all jedi, living or dead, he does. So why not their statues, he might say to Windu, who he does not think is his master at all.”
“No, son,” he said up to Yoda, who was really Alexander, and yet Windu knew not his real name, anymore. “I am not your master, as one might take an apprentice, but you should know that all the jedi here, who are your superior in wisdom, should be called master by your kind, so that you know you may learn from all jedi, as the wisest among us always do.”
“Do you learn from Master Skywalker?” he asked, not sure why he’d said it, yet.
“Skywalker is not master, young one. I could not-”
“All who are my superior in wisdom?” he asked, cutting off Windu’s ridiculous statement with the question. “I thought that might mean Anakin Skywalker, since he is older than I am, and has been a jedi knight for some time, now. Do you think I should not call him Master Skywalker, though you just said a moment ago, to do so?”
“Very perceptive, young one,” said the windu, who called only himself master, in the truer sense, and Yoda master when he thought it would please him, which it never did. “I am glad you could see through the rouse. You are growing sharper every day, and you’ll be a fine young jedi yet, when you take an apprentice for your master,” he said, and then gave himself an odd look, not sure what he had said that for, just now.
“Old ways strong with this one, they are,” said Yoda, pleased at the turn of phrase Anakin had walked the master windu into. He was not Anakin, yet, but Alexander, and yet the name was no longer there for him, when he called to it, and so the boy on the temple statue did not know who he was, when he slipped down from the statue’s shoulders, and landed lightly on the ground below, before Mace Windu and Master Yoda, as they stood there talking.
“Perhaps you should allow Master Yoda and I a private word, young one. I am dealing with important matters, here, concerning the jedi and the republic that governs us, so you should go and find your friends to play with.”
“My friends are not here,” he said, not sure why Mace Windu had said such a thing to him, as though he knew already what he was for.
“Not here? You’re sure about that? What about the little varuan girl I saw you talking to earlier?” he asked curiously.
“He was not a girl, nor varian. He is a jedi, and doesn’t have a race to be called by.”
“Varian is not a race, young one. It is a species.”
“And the varian’s species is jedi,” insisted Alexander, who found his name again, when he reached for it, and was having trouble remembering what Anakin Skywalker still looked like, and hoped he would fail in rescuing the chancellor in this, his latest mission that had sent him offworld and away from the temple.
“You are not sure what I mean, are you?” asked the windu, and Alexander did not want to talk to him anymore, because he knew he was trying to play mind games with him, and he did not want to show windu, just then, how futile that effort was, for Master Skywalker played so many tricks on him and the other younglings that it had become completely impossible for them to believe the words of Master Windu and others like him as anything less than a ruse to get you to do what he wanted.
“Not sure you are mean?” asked Yoda, quite bemused with himself for the turn of phrase to Windu. “Very sure, this young padawan is, that he does not like his Master Windu, and very sure he is, that Master Windu is mean.”
“Did you know what I mean?” asked Windu, almost sounding playful, like was trying for it. “No, I’m sure you did, young one. Come, have a talk with me in a minute, for the courtyard is beautiful today, and I’d much like to enjoy the sunshine and the company of a wise young jedi in training.”
“Training he is not in, Master Windu,” said Yoda, and with his eyes, he told Alexander to leave, and quickly. Alexander did not like Yoda for that, just then, but he knew that Windu was trying to turn him to the dark side, and make him an apprentice to the sith, which is what windu was, for the sith only drew power from their slaves, as a witch did, and that is what the word windu meant to Alexander, whenever he thought of a name and not a species for what the bad one always was.
The sith did not always do these things, he knew, but he also knew that to call him anything less than a witch would be foolish, for he had to know where the bad ones like windu took their power from, and it was from young ones, like him, who Mace Windu made believe could only draw power from the wisdom of more competent jedi, like he was stupposed to be.
Alexander didn’t leave him right away, when Yoda started to distract Mace Windu from his invitation to the young padawan standing there, but that was only because he was curious for it, and so Alexander was quick in making his retreat, not sure if he could be friends with Yoda any longer at all, and hating him for it, because Yoda would not be there when Master Skywalker and the other jedi needed him there, and he would only just be learning how evil the one they called chancellor truly was, in this.
He didn’t see her coming, but he could feel her, and Alexander did not know why she smelled so strongly of roses and valentine, who was the love of a jedi that the other jedi knew not, and he knew that she was a very special valentine to Anakin Skywalker, because she was sweet, and beautiful, and she did not need an excuse to come to the jedi temple, and she had to make no secret of her love to Anakin, and she was well on with child, and Alexander did not know why he knew her, like that, or why he forgot she was pregnant the moment he laid eyes on her, in the physical, but he wanted to talk to her very much at once, and none at all, at the other.
“Are you Anakin’s friend?” he asked her, meaning wife, when she was through speaking to a jedi knight who had been asking her her business, there at the temple, though she was no member of the order. She had told him off in a way only a jedi could, with a simple trick, that Anakin must have taught her, and he knew that Anakin only taught such things to those he cared deeply for, like the other younglings.
She hid the children with her, and they hid themselves, which was strange, because they did not need Anakin to do it for them. He wondered what sort of friend she was to jedi, and wondered why he wanted to see her naked so very much, and thought that that was what sort of friend she had been and was to Master Skywalker, and he wondered at her for it.
“I’m not his friend if you’re not asking for it,” she said, not sure who the boy was, but not at all coi with him for it. “Are you a friend of little Ani Skywalker too, young master jedi?”
Alexander liked how she said that, and she was not mocking him so cruelly for saying it, but she did not know Anakin in the way that he did, so he was not sure what to say to her, because he had never called him Ani, but the others had, and one of the girls had called Alexander Anakin when she was with him in the most physical senses they could discover, and he did not know why the others thought it was forbidden, because they were both to be jedi, one day, but Alexander didn’t know a great many things about why the other jedi students believed such foolish truthes that were no truths at all.
“I’m his padawan,” he said, not sure why he’d said it like that.
“Oh?” She crouched down to speak to him at eye level, and he knew that she was a good person for it, even though she had not had to crouch very far, because she was not a very big person, like some of the other jedi who came to talk to him, just there at the size he’d stayed in for so long, here in Alderaan, which is not where he was, but that was where she believed she was, and so he wondered who had tricked her and told her that’s where she was, instead of. . .
Alexander didn’t know if he’d been tricked about where they were, too, and he wondered how many planets he’d ever actually been to, in the real world, and he was sure that she could not give him an answer, though he thought of her naked again, and that was nice to see, and he though of having truer sex with her again, and that was nice to feel, but he had never had sex like that with her before, so he did not know why the sensation felt like it should be familiar.
“Are you flirting with me, to make Anakin jealous?” she asked, not sure why he’d said the last thing he’d said to her, and Alexander had spaced out so much in his fantasy that he had no idea what he’d actually said to her.
“Anakin would not be jealous if we were to flirt,” he said, and meant fuck, but when he’d said Anakin, he’d meant himself, and so he knew that it was true, that he could not be jealous of himself. This was the first time he’d ever actually felt like an Anakin before, when he thought the name for himself, and it was a strange name to have, he realized, and he did not know what he was, anymore, other than a jedi, truer born than he’d been before.”
She looked concerned for him, but did not seem to shy away from it, because as she talked to him, he thought over and over again, of laying wither like he’d wanted when he first thought of her like that, and he didn’t know why words came so easily to him, or why she’d laughed, and called him a cute little jedi, and why he remembered that her name was Padmé, and that she had been a queen once, but was not one, and he was curious as to what she was going to do with her twin babies, when she had them with her, and he did not know why she would not remember that they existed for so long after they’d been born to her and Anakin, who would be Darth Vader always, very soon now, and he could tell that that frightened her, and so Alexander, who felt the name Anakin well, just now, asked her why she was so afraid, but he did not say it outright, he simply talked to her, and she talked to him, and he liked her for it, and she liked him, but he knew that his own life was going to become frightening before this pace was out, and he was not sure what to say to her, when she asked him if he could speak like Master Yoda, instead of just Anakin, like that.
“Master Yoda does not speak to me like this,” said Anakin, though he didn’t know why he’d forgotten his other name, just them, here talking to Padmé, the girl he could’t stop thinking of, even though he rarely had to be so strongly there in the physical whenever he talked to people, and he wondered very much why her presence grounded him so effectively, and he wondered how often Master Skywalker used her for such a purpose, and ventured to guess that it was unnatural to think of Master Skywalker like that, when he was so close to no longer knowing her like that, and it wanted to make Alexander sad, just then, but he knew that he shouldn’t be, in front of her, because she could have sex with him if she did not get sad, like he was so often, so he kept the thought to himself, and tried to answer her question again.
Instead he asked, though, “What do you mean when I speak like Anakin?” It wasn’t a question, but an asking of identity, because she’d known something special about him when she’d asked him how he talked that way, and he wanted to know what she saw in him that others hadn’t seen.
“How do you mean?” she asked him, not sure why his dialect was so much like her dear husband’s when he spoke to her without worry, and so much like his when he was pretending to be afraid, for her, for this boy did not have to pretend to be afraid to be afraid, and she wondered if Anakin had learned that dialect from this boy, in particular, instead of the other way around, because she very much doubted if Anakin ever was afraid, and with this boy, called Alexander, she knew it was real. “You sound just like my friend Anakin, when you say some of the things you say. I was wondering if there are other jedi masters you can talk to while you talk to me, like you did just now, when you thought to make love with me, just like he always used to do, with words and pleasant thoughts as you speak. Did you know you were doing that with me, just now, in our conversation?”
He didn’t, but he thought it must be true, because he very much wanted to make love to her right now, but he was still so young to look at, and he didn’t know if she would believe him when he told her he could be older, if he needed to, and he decided that he would try and age a few years, soon, so that people did not always think he was too young to lay with them in the way he wanted to do with her just now.
He spoke to her long enough to get the impression that she knew Yoda, and liked him not, and he thought that was odd, because knowing that, he knew that he hated Yoda, because he was always so angry that Yoda did not kill Mace Windu, like he ought to, and he knew that she did not trust the jedi council about what she knew about Anakin, and he was glad for that, but when he started to feel it for her, he realized that he had always hated the council, too, and hated Yoda most of all, because Yoda was small, and could be young, but he stayed old, and Alexander did not like the way he looked when he was old, and he almost always looked older than Mace Windu, and Alexander did not think that good jedi, as opposed to evil jedi, like the Sith always were, could appear as anything other than young, so he was sure that there was more to be wrong with Yoda than he thought of, just then.
“You are not supposed to be here, Padmé,” said an unpleasantly familiar voice, and Alexander was scared, because he did not know what power over her this Amidala had, but she was there, standing with Padmé’s shoulders, the moment Windu became present, and when she spoke, it was not cold, but angry, and yet icy, and it was a fury she had wielded a thousand thousand times before, and she was never Padmé for it, but her truer self, Amidala, and Padmé used Amidala whenever she was in danger from someone like Windu, and she knew that it was easy to kill him, if she had to, but she was not about to wield a lightsaber to duel with him, just then.
She had one, Alexander realized, and that was incredible. She had made one in her heart, and she drew it now, and it flashed violently, in Alexander’s mind’s eye, clashing with the discolored light of windu’s own saber, which was a false one, engineered in greed and mock apathy, because he had not wanted it to be purple, but he had tried so hard to keep it from turning red, like the Sith’s always did, that he had ended up making it halfway between blue and red, and he was no match for her lightsaber, which was gold, and Anakin, who was Alexander, just presently, did not know where she had come across a golden spear like that, which was how her lightsaber looked to him, just now, and yet, he knew that only words flew between them, and that no light weapons were drawn, but he knew the battle was happening, and it had happened before, and her blade was sharp, and his was dull, and Amidala knew right away why Anakin had brought Padmé there, with his mind, and she knew why Alexander stood their too.
She killed him, there, on the spot, by making him believe that none of his highly touted jedi powers would do any good in a fight with her, and he did not know who she was, and when she revealed herself as Anakin’s valentine, he was frightened, because he knew that she had only shown him for a moment, that she was Anakin’s lover, and in that moment, he was crippled forever after, because he had never come close to knowing the truth about her and Anakin, so he knew that he had been fooled, and manipulated by those he had always believed himself superior to, and for a moment, too, Alexander looked like Anakin’s son to him, and Alexander knew that he had done that for Luke, who was frightened that his mother had shown her face to Windu, but Leia was not there, yet, and so Alexander did not see her name in Padmé’s eyes, and Luke’s did not satay, when Alexander became her son for that moment, instead of Luke, and so Windu did not know she was pregnant with Anakin’s child at all.
He didn’t leave peacable, but willingly fled, and Anakin, who was merely Alexander, at this moment, knew that his time was waning, and that after this, he would bring about his own death, by Anakin’s hands, and he knew that he had tag teamed many great jedi with the use of this, his wife and secret lover, and Anakin who was Alexander wondered what she really was, and he forgot her other name when she looked at him, and she was Padmé no longer, but Amidala, and Anakin was not afraid, but furious, and she was there with him, in her own fury, and he did not know which of them ended where the other began, and he did not know that someone else could share in the wrath he could channel, in a moment like this, and the floors and pillars and walls of the temple seemed to sahke, and this was real in a thousand thousand dreams Anakin had of her, well after Master Skywalker had sent him away, with the others, while he made the sith believe the jedi were gone forever, and when Anakin was born, there on the planet he’d chosen for the clan of the Skywalkers, he forgot her rage, and his hate for Yoda and his ilk, and he was at peace for so few years.
He had peace, too, knowing that he had in fact, made his body look older than hers had been, which he meant by, he had made himself look old enough to lay with her, if he found her again, and he would, though he did not know why that was true, and he did not know who she was, and he did not know what his name had always been before, because when he was born as a baby again, his mother named him Anakin, after her great grandfather, and the father of their clan, and he knew that his father was vile, but he would not be a threat, and he knew that she would raise him not alone, but with his great grandfather Luke, and if he should forget what he was to her, her once begotten son, he only had to forget his name for a moment, and see what he was in the world, and then he would remember again.
But it was not until he remembered the name of his father, when he was nine years old, that Anakin felt the fury he’d long kept beneath his belt, hidden away in the crystal of his warrior’s blade. He’d tried to light the blade, then, and hus fury destroyed it, and when he built a new one, he used a green crystal, for his sister, one day, and he never allowed himself to wield his fury for it, and only his love for peace, and so he knew that when he gave it to her, she would need it, and want it, and he would not be able to be what he was before, when he broke his first master’s blade, until he was ready, and had a new blade of his own.
His father’s blue blade, which he had used in his youth as a jedi knight, did not work right for him anymore, and he did not know why, though Anakin did. He had defeated his father in a duel of the mind, and the old man couldn’t figure out how, and so whenever he went to find his warrior’s weapon, it was lost, for the crystal had never called to him again, once Anakin decided to make it his, and so his father inherited a green lightsaber, but that would not do either, and so Anakin destroyed that one too, and he didn’t know, now, what color his father’s blade was, but he’d imagined it gold, once, and killed himself for it, for it was nearly impossible to break a lightsaber crystal without knowing its wielder there in the physical, and Anakin no longer knew his father’s bladecolor, but he knew that gold was not his color, and he could not be allowed to wield it, and so he shattered his father’s blade, and his father lost his life then, in that moment, as a sithlord cut him down, across the galaxy.
Anakin never told Luke he had killed his own father by thinking ill of him in the right moment, but Luke never seemed to know why, because he didn’t understand why his old padawan had died like that, though he’d never trained under Luke directly, and he knew that something else was happening in the Force that had needed his attention, and so Luke had left the temple where his family and clan resided, and Anakin knew the others would not forgive him if he let them know that his father was murdered by his son’s own will, so he kept it to himself, and for Amidala, for it was her blade that struck down his father across the galaxy, and it was her blade that had glowed violet for a moment, when he’d first seen her, and it was her blade that had been gold, when he’d seen her before, in a pitched deathmatch with his father, and he knew that his father would win, and he would kill Amidala, and he would take her blade, and that could not be so, and so Anakin had shattered his weapon from across the galaxy, and Amidala killed the man she loved, though she’d never loved him, and only pretended to, for the sake of others, and he knew that she had a strange way about her, and he did not know why Amidala had needed Anakin to kill his father for her, through sheer Force of will, like that, but he knew that she had, and it was because Anakin had never had the name Skywalker, like they did, but they had treated him like one all the same, and so when she called to him, it was to turn his father’s own name against him, for he had always fancied himself a Skywalker, which he was, but he had always thought Anakin was one too, which he was not.
And so when his blade shorted out, midstroke, as the crystal within exploded, it was because he’d called himself Anakin, to try and wield the power his son’s name had, but he did not truly know his son’s name, and had called himself Skywalker, and so when the sith called out to her son, who was there on the planet with the clan Skywalker, he had only to speak his own true name in his father’s ear, there across time and space, and when he named himself, and he knew it was true, he had won. Because he said, with his Force of Will, that his name was not Anakin Skywalker, and that a witch like his father was could never draw on his own strength by knowing it.
My name is Amidala too, you fool, he’d said with his will alone. My name is Amidala Anakin, and you will die by my master’s hand, today, for forgetting it, father. And he was proud that he’d killed him just.