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Some Nights

Fiction from the world of
Lesbian Ninja Vampire Cheerleaders With Chainsaws Save the World From Zombies

By Bradley K. McDevitt

© 2013, Bradley K. McDevitt

Warning.. there is some evry NSFW language in this story.


Some nights, it doesn't pay to get out of bed, even if your bed is a luxury coffin large enough for two.

For example, nothing ruins your night quite like a horde of zombies, unless it is a horde of naked, horny zombies led by the twelve-foot tall demon with six penises, each the length of a man's arm, that had been assaulting female students and attempting to penetrate our campus' defenses for weeks now,

Yeah, definitely not a good start to my evening.

But a forty foot leap into the horde with my chainsaw going full-blast ruined a couple of the zombies' nights too. They might have been expecting an easy meal, but i had no intention of being easy prey. Besides, from the erections the demon was sporting, he had more in mind than serving me up as an entree, but i don't fly Male Airlines USA, and never have. He was still protected by a shitload of zombies though… time to fix that.

Rotten brains, blood, viscera and zombie cum splattered in all directions as I whipped he business end of my chainsaw through one from head to crotch, not-so neatly bisecting him. Not that i had time to admire my handiwork... five more zombies piled on top of me, forcing me to my knees as their teeth tried to tear into my flesh.

Uh, uh, baby... not gonna work! A second’s concentration to call upon the primal power of female vampirism, and my skin turned as tough as steel,  well, at least as tough as aluminum. I could feel and hear teeth breaking when one tried to bite my left buttock and another, my arm. Moans of frustrated confusion turned to howls of fear as I flexed my muscles and thrust to my feet, flinging dead men in all directions, and unfortunately also shredding every miniscule bit of clothing I was wearing to rags.

As if it were not obvious what it wanted to do to me, the demon grew an extra few erections until its groin looked like an X-rated Hydra, with all its heads pointed right towards me, not that I was having any of that shit.

With all of Dean Lilith’s power flowing through me, I flung the chainsaw at the demon and tore into the nearest zombie with my bare hands, ripping its head right off its shoulders. I was pleased to see my chainsaw had hit and dug itself deep into the demon’s shoulder before jamming. Another zombie grabbed me in a bear hug from behind; it did not appreciate it when I broke its grip, and tore both its arms off at the shoulders in the doing.

Too many zombies. Even with all I had already killed—again--  I was not going to be able to get to the demon before one of the zombies got a lucky shot in, and I had no desire to end up zombie chow after only eighty years of enjoying my new existence.

Abandoning human form, I rose into the sky, flapping leathery wings furiously to gain enough height. The demon roared, trying to grab at me, but when you’re twelve feet tall and your target is the size of a bat, you don’t have much of a chance. At about a height equal to the Administration Building, the tallest building on campus at twelve stories, I figured I had enough altitude.

Snarling and baring my fangs, I reverted to human form right above the demon, summoning all my strength as I fell back towards the Earth. My transformation caught the demon off-guard, and I slammed into it from above with the force of a freight train.

The force of the impact drove it to its knees, giving me the few seconds opening I needed. The demon’s skull was thick, but not thick enough to keep me from ripping out its brain. It was a sizzling mass of corruption that burnt the flesh off my hands, but even a creature from Hell couldn’t live after I threw its brain three hundred feet into the air.
It was just about that time that the noise of my chainsaw brought a half-dozen of my fellow ninja to the fray and mopped up the rest of the zombies. As for myself, I headed back to my dorm room.
When I got there, the door was open and Dean Lilith was waiting for me.
Her voice was pure honey. “I got the report of how well you took care of that demon, Denyse. I am pleased. How are your hands?”

I showed her, and she tisked over the damage.

“We’ll have to do something about that…” I am not sure how the kiss she was giving me after that was supposed to fix my hands, but I was not complaining as we melted backwards into my coffin together. Somewhere along the line, she lost her clothing, and I was already naked from earlier.  “You know, Denyse, I have been meaning to get to know you better..” she whispered as she lowered her open mouth to my waiting pussy.

Some nights, it does pay to get back in bed, especially if your bed is a luxury coffin large enough for two.
Some inspirational writing in warmup for a possible project....


A Vignette

©2103, Bradley K. McDevitt

My third game of solitaire, and I think I am gonna win this hand. Then I think I am gonna blow my brains out. I normally hate solitaire... I prefer poker; the whole social aspect of card playing. But there is no one around, at least not alive, so here I am playing solitaire.

And i can't even play with a normal deck of cards... all I could find in this room where i am barricaded in was, of all things, an old Tarot deck, so i am having to improvise. All I have is my gun, a kerosene lamp, the deck, and this tape recorder, which I can barely hold, my hand hurts so much.

Not that it is gonna matter. I can hear from the rising level of noise outside the room, more and more of them are arriving every minute. That door isn't going to hold much longer, and I only have one bullet left.

The card I just drew was "The Lovers," and it reminds me of the one good aspect of this situation: at least my wife Anna won't be among them. We had been together eighteen years when she got bit: all it took was for both of us to see how bad the bite was, a meeting of the eyes, and a nod.

"Save the last bullet, hun… I love you" she whispered, then I shot her between the eyes.
She and I had been the last survivors in our little band, now Anna was gone. For all I knew, I was the last living person, period.

It had been months since we had seen anyone, at least anyone still alive. We had started out from Charleston, about twenty of us, trying to get far enough north that maybe the cold would slow them down enough to give us a chance.

It was a nice idea, it just didn't work. We kept getting picked off, one or two at a time. A few were still in good enough shape to come after us, afterwards. I had to shoot what had been my brother in law, right in front of my wife. The only way I could recognize him was his red hair: his face and most of the flesh off his upper torso had been gnawed off, not that it seemed to bother him, and it didn't stop him from ripping out my friend Joe's throat.

It didn't get better from there. A few of us just ate their bullets, overcome with despair… not sure I could blame them. Through all of New jersey and New York, we had not seen anyone alive, just hordes and hordes of them, all trying to get to at our rapidly dwindling little crew.

By the time we crossed into Canada, there were only six of us left, and we lost Tina, Bill, and Ahmed when the van broke down in Hamilton. Before we could find another usable vehicle… well, I try not to think about it too much.

Another card pulled: "The Fool." Which is what I probably was not to just eat a bullet and be done with after I shot Anna. The next day as just a blur of tears and avoiding the dead until I ended up here, in this little room, talking into this tape recorder. The picture on the card shows a guy walking down the road, I guess that will not be me. I won't be leaving this room alive: I can see the hinges on the door deforming and starting to rip loose of the frame, so it won't be long now.

Time to finish this game, I am almost at the end of the deck, and my hand is really hurting. No wonder… I can see the blackness spreading from around the bite I got about an hour after Anna.

The hinges just gave way. The dead are flooding into the room, stalking towards me, time for me to go now.

The last card is "Death." Didn't win this hand after all, I guess.
... Should i be disturbed or amused that my one-year-old great-nephew Liam is wandering around the house trying to eat my favorite eyeball?
Lesbian Ninja Vampire Fun Fact #14
At 1st, flamethrowers were thought 2 b a good weapon against zombies ... but fried zombies...woohee. Ick!
Lesbian Ninja Vampire Fun Fact #12

Slaughtering Zombies with chainsaws is dirty, messy work… all the more reason for Lesbian Ninja Vampires to shower after a battle… together (to save water, of course)
Lesbian Ninja Vampire Fun Fact #11
Dean Lilith's favorite color is actually Powder Blue... but just for appearances, she tells everyone it is, of course, black.
A Lesbian Ninja Vampire invented catsup, because even 4 a Vampire, dipping your Fries in blood sounds gross. Plus, they get soggy real fast…

Woohoo, I am a celebrity! I have a CASE of art books here, in case anyone wants one... $9.99 (that is the standard retail price, free S/H domestic), and i will personalize any way you want.. just msg me on FB or Yahoo Messenger!…
working my way through a huge pile of sketches for Popcorn Press for "Invasion of the Saucer People!"
Back to work... been feeling under the weather this weekend... but I got cats, ogres, aliens, and tentacled horrors to draw. A typical week.. except for the cats.
Just to let you all know, Jess (aka, the adorable wife and web-mistress) just finished a massive update of my website with literally hundreds of illustrations. Check it out if you have a few hours to kill (lol) at….
Question for the group. I am thinking of trying to fund my raunchy humor game Lesbian Ninja Vampire Cheerleaders With chainsaws Save The World From Zombies with an Indie-Gogo project, and having original artwork from the game for some supporters be one of the perks. First off, does this sound like a valid idea, and do any of you think there is even any demand for such an offbeat game at all (for reading for humor's sake, if not actually running?)
and my wife's IndioGoGo fundraiser is live! Come check it out at:…
Two more headshots for Chaosium out to bed... back on Goodman Games in the morning, then Battlefield Press tomorrow night... the fun never ends!
and some work time before Valentine's Day dinner with the wife..Goodman Games and Battlefield Press on tap today..on the virtual turntable: the soundtrack to Matango: Attack of the Mushroom People (classic bad Japanese horror flick)
Done with  the cover design for Tilted Windmill Press, now onto a  rush job for Goodman Games, then back onto my other jobs! Time for coffee! On the virtual turntable: i dunno yet, but it is gonna be LOUD!... anyone got suggestions?
so: finals for chaosium coming along, sketches for Battlefield Press, and a full-pager for Goodman Games to be taken to sketches (from a 4" tall thumbnail).. not the best productivity week so far, but not the worst... On the virtual turntable: super-fast paced techno anthology